this despite ‘good morning’ being an oxymoron.
weird and terrible dreams all night long and i slept fitfully until after 9:00 am, waking up constantly. fucking constant insomnia of the depressed and damned.
feeling torn up emotionally and physically at this moment and taking a xanax with the first cup of coffee instead of at noon.
it may be time to rethink the plan of waiting until cate graduates from college and reschedule my date with mr. reaper (that’s MR reaper to you now eat the salmon mousse) to high school graduation.
wordpress is my ‘honest’ blog. have had another going on myspace for a year and a half, but the dark machinations in my mind are not revealed there. for godsake it’s myspace.
as their tagline says: myspace a place for friends!
it does not read: myspace a place for dark honesty and gallows humor!
oh if i ever spilled the truly dark things in my mind you would lock the doors and never speak to any person named rachael again, ala no king ever bearing the appellation john of england. yeppers there’s always one freak to spoil it for the rest of the class.
perhaps you feel the same way about speaking of your own demons. it could be we’re two sides of that same bent coin; perhaps some child-god placed us on a railroad track to wait and watch the train pass over and then retrieve the twisted prize.
the immediate cause of imminent decompensation is fear of the new project/client. i’m not afraid of lacking the skills, because i’m a kick-ass dancer and magician when it comes to looking like a pro and delivering the finale, but afraid of the stress.
okay I am afraid of lacking the skills too but wtf aren’t we all?
this project has to be finished asap and while i’ve always worked best under pressure and deadlines right now this girl is rather fragile.
said girl is a damned fabulous actress but no one knows what goes on behind the smile, self-deprecating bon mots and laughter I present to the world.
what to do what to do?
my dearest friend tk has left for two weeks on a cruise and I have no one to bounce my concerns on except this forum. no one to talk with or lean on and spend time. my daughter is always here and a joy yet i cannot weep or show fear in front of her. i’m so tired of the struggle to present one face to everyone while i die inside. it is hard work being on stage constantly.
we never know who has the fear and darkness inside when we pass them on the street, in our offices, in our lives. smile at everyone you meet because it may mean the word to them.
here’s to a sense of humor and a reminder that all is not lost. at one time I was happy far more often and there is hope it will come again.
|no skiing today since the conditions here in lake tahoe suck this year. today’s plans are a trip to the gym for a swim, weights and a steam. get my ass out of the house. here’s a pic of yours truly and her Demon spawn from last weekend. I’m the shorter one on the right.|
have a good sunday my friends. i have no interest in organized sports, with the exception of hockey, so have no plans for any alleged game this afternoon. the gym shall be a quiet tomb and place for contemplation and jesus don’t I need more of that –yark-!
here’s a smile to end this little maudlin missive:
–Two Women in the Afterlife–
1st woman: “Hi! My name is Rachael.”
2nd woman: “Hi! I’m Rebecca. How’d you die?”
1st woman: “I froze to death.”
2nd woman: “How horrible!”
1st woman: “It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?”
2nd woman: “I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.”
1st woman: “So, what happened?”
2nd woman: “I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled overwith a heart attack and died.”
1st woman: “Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.”
~The Fabulously Deranged Miss R
currently listening to:
release date: 2006