Cognitive Health Indeed and Word

Two people in the last 24 hours have told me that I should start thinking happy thoughts in order to relieve my depression.
Whoa. Great idea why didn’t I think of that? Damn I’ll get right on it.
Are you fucking kidding me…?

In other news…. was able to sleep in my own bed last night. The bad part was that I was of course alone. Again. Naturally.
I must say it’s a hell of a lot better than my couch though. No AC in the bedroom but the bed itself is mighty fine.

The summer heat in Reno is merciless. I’ve no spa to dunk my head into or sprinklers to run through. The past few months in TKs backyard spoiled me.
On the other hand it could be worse. Lizzie Borden is a Persian and that poor beast must be combed every day or she explodes fur like a time release hair freshener –rim shot-.

Been up since 5:45 this morning which is a record for the past week. My internal clock is all kinds of fucked up (hmmmm don’t say it) and this is the latest I’ve slept in days.
As the sun rose I sat outside with coffee and a cigarette –yeah another bad habit picked up in the last 6 months- finishing an essay by Noam Chomsky on B.F. Skinner

Good Morning America? The Daily Buzz? Nay say I!
Here’s to a ciggie, coffee and words of a brilliant mind to begin a day.

Actually considered going to the gym first but that will wait until later. I’ve not put on any weight but my clothes don’t fit for hell. The extra baggage has shifted into areas not equipped with hand rails.
The problem with strenuous exercise when I’m depressed is this:
When the endorphins kick up I may not get that rush of positive high feelings. Instead, my mind sometimes goes the other way and I sob uncontrollably.
Bad form at the gym doncha know. It’s a pain in the ass wiping down the elliptical when you’re done but toweling up the tears is just plain embarrassing.

Have to work today for awhile besides hitting the gym. Was going to cook chili but have decided to throw away all of the meat I’d purchased.

I’ve no desire to cook for just myself. What’s the point.
I can’t bring any to share with a friend which was my original intention.
Already did the one-time-only pathetic shot of showing up without being invited.
You know, very childish teenage behavior. I was humiliated of course and made zero points.
I consoled myself with the knowledge that everyone in the history of men and women has done this at least once in their lives.
It’s when you make an unannounced visit more than once, or drive by an ex’s house, or continually make phone calls that you slide into stalker territory.
Ugh. I’d rather eat broken glass ala rusted razor blades.

So, I’ll continue to eat my Dreyer’s frozen fruit bars, try to write, finish up Tinfoil Hat Guy’s site, and think thoughts of tweeting birdies, puppies, kittens, smiling chipmunks and sunny happy days.
Scratch that last part.

Cognitive health indeed. I’m a clinically depressed misanthrope and while I am inconsolable over losing my best friend, watching the quail and discussing the universe I will surely drink Drano if forced to consider allegedly happy good thoughts.

Mack the Knife
~miss r

Currently listening:
Beethoven: Symphonien Nos. 5 & 7 / Kleiber, Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra
By: Ludwig van Beethoven
Release date: 23 January, 1996

3 thoughts on “Cognitive Health Indeed and Word

  1. It is irrational to tell a person who is depressed to “think happy thoughts.” Usually when people do this it is because they do not want to see you depressed so are just coming up with ridiculous stuff to shove your sadness away from them so they do not have to acknowledge it. It is rude. Insensitive. Incredibly stupid. And a self defense mechanism.

    When you are depressed the hard stuff is activities of daily living. Getting out of bed. Showering. Dressing. Brushing your teeth. Feeding yourself. Maintaining a domicile. This is what you concentrate on. Because if you can keep these mundane tasks moving forward, you are moving forward.

    I think you have imbued with friend though with every positive attribute and contiually ignore and override the negatives. This person has been at times quite cruel to you and you ignore those moments of cruelty, choosing to “forgive and forget.” That forgive and forget though is overlooking a solid part of this indiviudual’s make up. Allowing yourself to love one part of the person and ignore another part of the whole. That is something to look at. Because the injurious part of the person is still there whether you wish to acknowledge it or not. And he seems very intent on hanging on to every negative thing you have done and seeing that as a larger part of the whole while forgetting the positives. An oppositional force and perspective that is not a good thing.

    Also I think [okay now I am stepping way over the line of what is my business so you can smack me for saying this] that you attribute all his cruel behavior towards you to his inability to forgive himself for things in the past and wish to punish himself for those things, when from an outside perspective it looks like he is not punishing himself at all, he is punishing you. Punishing people for loving us is a bad trait to mix up with.

    Okay, now I have said my piece on something I know little about and that is also none of my business. Part of me is sorry for doing that because that almost always does not go well. But I worry about you, I do not like to see you hurting, and I like it less when I see you forgiving another person for injuring you and blaming yourself for that injury when to me it looks like that person injures everyone who loves him and it is not you at fault, it is something broken in him that will make him be cruel to you.


  2. funny thing, last night i wrote a piece basically espousing this very thought.
    it is so much easier to ignore all of the bad, allowing him to shut down his emotions, and take on the blame myself. painful and idiotic but easier.
    we have all been hurt, helped and shaped by our experiences but basically we remain who we are. to completely blame a past partner for the lack of love and tolerance we show today is selfish and so wrong.

    so knowing this why do i still hurt so badly?

    thank you for your words my friend.


  3. You miss the person you thought he was. You
    want that person back.

    I so know that feeling.

    “Give me back my boyfriend.”

    The problem is when that person was an illusion,
    that person never can come back that person never
    really was. And losing that is like a death.
    It hurts a lot.


Want Your Palm Red? What's up Doc?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s