Nothing up my sleeve! Or in my head.

I was prescribed another new medication. Hopefully it will be a better experience than yesterday, which resulted in a delightful afternoon and evening of nausea and physical illness.

Am forcing myself to go for a hike and into the sunshine. My tight clothes and the despair which envelop me are a combination which is sickening.

Was on a medication for the last three weeks which caused me to gain almost ten pounds, did nothing to alleviate my physical or psychological symptoms, and pretty much made me more of a basket case. Doctors giveth and mercifully doctors taketh away.
Who knew that pharmaceuticals were an art and not a science.

Try this one. No.
That one made you worse. Sorry about that.

Try this one. No.
You can go without sleep for 72 hours now though? That’s interesting! Sorry about that.

Take away this one. No.
Now you cry unceasingly, have hoarded enough pills to off all of Washoe County (did you hoard all of those pills? No my sister hoard half of them! thank you thank you very much), purchased a package of straight edge razor blades and have cogent plans to OD in the bathtub while simultaneously bleeding out? Sorry about that.

Take away all alcohol but you can eat whatever you’re craving. No.
You’re gaining weight and your blood pressure is 170 over 140. Again. Sorry about that.

This fucking sucks.
I’ve had a headache for well over a month, no energy or interest in anything or anyone, and I’m sick of puking and crying and wanting to just end all of it.
What to do?

An addendum to the above which was written exceptionally early this morning:

went for that hike then to a meeting. After returning got back info on some fine images of my head.
There’s nothing there. Nature abhors a vacuum and well, that may explain a lot of things.
But seriously folks, nothing showed up. No peculiar growths in areas where they do not belong, no dark spots that need more exploration. On the film not in the psyche.
Think I’ll puke and then lay out in the sun with a book to celebrate.

Although I was kindly offered a place in Vail -my friend Mathew is involved in opening a new restaurant – it would mean divesting myself of everything except clothing, skis and keyboards.
How could one survive without their book collection? Fragile old photos of family? The carefully preserved press releases and magazine/newspaper articles and interviews? Sheet music, aging demo tapes, albums?.
All the sentimental mementos of a life lived to the fullest as I’ve always done everything in full measure; crazily, rashly, with laughter, love, fights and forgiveness, unfettered and immersed in music, insane people, and my beautiful daughter?

What to do.

4 thoughts on “Nothing up my sleeve! Or in my head.

  1. ski bum,
    thank you for the comment.
    oh i’m not surprised at all. since writing this post i’ve found a place to live that is big enough for the grand piano and my 3 pairs of skis and gear -wink-.
    the meds are pretty much levelled off and the stress now is the actual move… and missing the last week of skiing here in tahoe.

    thanks again!


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