Okay first there’s the matter of the hammer to address.
Everyday I go out back to the porch for a smoke and see this hammer on the roof.
It’s been at least a month since the neighbor has worked on the garage and I’m thinking ‘Doesn’t he wonder where the hell that hammer went?’
Maybe in the Spring when he paints the building he’ll find it.
Of course by that time his son will have already been ass-whupped for borrowing dad’s tools and not replacing them.
Anyway let’s move along shall we?
I was recently informed of a few faults that I needed to correct.
1. My vocabulary is apparently not up to snuff. The precise appraisal directed at me was “Do you think that you can keep from saying ‘fuck’ when we go in?”
Ummmm….. no. I don’t think so.
Not say ‘fuck’? Might as well ask me to wear a color other than black, or show respect for elected leaders or even write a song about cute little puppies, happy children and rainbows.
2. My skirts are too short.
Once again who knew. My legs are still great so what the hell?
They’re not covered in varicose veins, nor are they chubby or sporting hirsute growth. I was informed that it is unseemly for a woman my age to wear skirts that short.
I’m going to take it under consideration.
When I turn 75.
3. It’s really bad for my feet and spine to wear high heels.
Get outta town! That’s amazing. Considering that every woman I know has deformed little pinkie toes, back-aches after a night out dancing and spends an inordinate amount of time making sure that she looks good this would never have occurred to me. Tell you what I’m gonna do: Promise to never wear stiletto heels higher than 8″.
Not counting the platform.
4. My diet is unhealthy
This is a vicious lie. My diet is exceptionally healthy in comparison to:
a) my deranged vegetarian teenager
b) 85% of the American people
c) an African child on a late-night infomercial
Since when is a pot of coffee, Dreyers fruit bar and dry cereal a deleterious daily menu? Gah some people are just cretins.
5. Cigarettes and Nicorette are bad for me
Oh please. There’s no proof that nicotine raises blood pressure and ciggies contribute to lung cancer! Why I….
There you have it. Some astute (read: myopic) outside observations about my deficiencies.
I’m pretty sure you all know how closely I’ll take these helpful criticisms to heart.
Now please excuse me while I put on my favorite FMPs, have a smoke while gazing at a forlorn hammer and contemplate kicking someone’s fucking ass.
~The Invariably Altruistic and Benevolent Miss R
By: Death Cab for Cutie
Release date: 30 August, 2005