Why the Germans Will Always Lose the War

It’s the cars.
No not the cars specifically.
To be more precise it’s the engineering tunnel vision.
I ditched the Zamboni (image 1) for a ’94 Audi (image 2) . Finally.

Love the new ride. Handles like a sports car, even though it’s a hatchback with AWD. I can make it up the mountain and ski again. Thank goddess.
It also has 230,000 miles on it.
Said Teutonic-Mobile is in pristine condition. Meticulously maintained and not a dent on it. If you look under the hood -as with all German cars- it’s spotless and appears virtually free from mechanical devices or wiring. Weird.

Okay this is why the Germans are fucked forever:
I’d been out all day getting the thing smogged, registered, insured yadda yadda. I’d finally gotten to the gym and it was dark out.
I couldn’t figure out how to use the headlights. I’m parked in front of the gym and it’s pitch dark and I gotta get home.

Oh sure I appear the total cretin but it’s just an act.
Stop laughing right now.

I’ve had a bevy of cars over the years. New and Used. Foreign and Domestic. Just like the men in my life. So, what’s a girl to do? Why, grab the owner’s manual from the glove box; where by the way I DO keep a pair of gloves.

I peruse the glossary for anything resembling:
Headlights, operation of headlights, turning on headlights, headlamps, so you wanna use your headlights, where are the fucking headlight controls, headlamps R us… anything.
I find a single brief page on lights.
It explains in explicit detail the method in which to change the bulb in your headlight.

What I do find is more than 20 pages PLUS a full chapter on the ski bag feature.

Not that this is a bad thing. Especially since I ski. Hell I didn’t know that there was a ski bag feature. It’s just that all I wanted was to turn on the headlights.

I finally figure how to turn on the headlights. Accidentally. Despite the worthless manual.
Operation is totally counter-intuitive and involves two levers on the steering column.

I’m thinking of a ski trip tomorrow afternoon so maybe I’ll relax tonight. Grab a glass of something yummy and that hot spicy Audi owner’s manual.

And that’s why the Germans will never win a war.

They’re too concerned with the big picture. The options. The Fourth Reich.
Hey Shultz. What about a little fucking light in here? I can’t concentrate.

~Miss R

Currently listening:
Seconds of Pleasure
By: Rockpile

6 thoughts on “Why the Germans Will Always Lose the War

  1. Damn Germans. What were they sinking about?

    Always a good idea to check out where things are (lights, etc.) before you actually need to use them. Otherwise you could find yourself in Italy in a pitch black, mile long tunnel at 90 miles an hour in a Fiat with an electrical system (lights) apparently designed by Germans.

    Never mind how I know this….


  2. No. that’s another story for another time. Like when I remember it.

    That has to do with an experience immediately prior to what I refer to as ‘The Monaco Gendarme Incident’. The French, not sharing my birra-fueled joie de la vie and infectious sense of humor apparently do not feel that a proper response to “parlez vous français ?” is “not on your life, pal”. Shrug.


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