Buy a Gun, Enjoy My Self-Loathing or Move Along Citizen

Have you ever suffered from depression?

bi-polar hell

I mean the type diagnosed by a physician. Not a few weeks of sadness, or grief over a loss or death. Yes, these will all lead to depression but for the majority of people who suffer these or other tragedies it may mean several months or more of counseling, perhaps an anti-depressant for several months in order for a therapist to work with the depressed patient.

No, I’m talking long-term, 20+ years of clinically diagnosed depression including meds and therapy. Followed by an accurate diagnosis of Bi-Polar for at least five years. More meds. Different meds. New cocktails of meds. Sadly current medicine (forced by the insurance companies) no longer truly allow a psychiatrist anything more than prescribing medication. To conquer problems you also must see a therapist. Of which you cannot afford because they rarely accept Medicare and you’re no longer able to pay all of the co-pays if they did.

And if you’ve lost everything; a successful business –that you built up by working 14 hours a day, not being able to hire even one employee for the first two years, finally being featured in magazines, opening more stores, a huge e-commerce business as well, television coverage, and mentions all across the Internet.

Your retirement money, savings, home, vehicle all lost to the recession of the Bush years (and attorneys to divorce and restrain a psychotic ex-husband), and you are dependent on a Social Security Disability stipend of less than $1000.00 a month.
How the hell will you EVER feel better?

Add back surgery, which did not work –FAIL tag-  and the cost of co-pays to doctors and hospitals that you cannot possibly pay off.
Constant pain, inability to swim, hike, ski or even walk long distances. And another surgery being scheduled.
How the hell can you SEE a future?

Have you ever attempted suicide? More than once? More than twice?  And failed? –Insert FAIL tag- . Pro-Tip: pills are too easy to accidentally throw up, or change your mind. Plastic razors chew up your skin and you don’t bleed quickly enough. Use a gun for godssake.

Oh, and you’ll be 50 in another month. Wonderful. With no more close friends; they already know about your problems and seriously don’t want to hear anything else. Hell I wouldn’t. Family you don’t dare reveal your psychological pain with, nor an understanding boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband? Your fabulous fifty party –as if turning 50 is a fucking pleasure and isn’t deathly depressing in itself- will be at home.
The entree a can of tuna fish and a single piece of pie from Raley’s market for dessert. Okay maybe dinner out –my genius boyfriend suggested a casino buffet. I’m thinking the tuna far preferable. And safer.

A call from my daughter –the only reason the suicidal ideation backed off, with her 4.0 grades and beginning college-. A card and call from Mom.
Missing Dad since his death, so no call from him. His birthday is/was a week before mine.

So, I spend 16 out of every 20 hours awake weeping uncontrollably. No longer wanting to live, but not wishing to crush my daughter by blowing this neuro-scrambled brain on the walls.
The back pain never ceases, unless I drink too much. At which point I’ll pay for it in the morning and it’s goddamned fattening as well. Not even self-medicating is a viable option.

Enough self-loathing for today.  Am tired of being witty, enjoyable or even caustic.
I just want it all to end. There are no dreams left.
Some days are like this.


10 thoughts on “Buy a Gun, Enjoy My Self-Loathing or Move Along Citizen

  1. Thank your for your candour and eloquence: describing depression is something I am chronically incapable of, but I empathise with virtually every word you’ve written here and think you’ve nailed it.

    Obviously, though, I’m sorry that you’re suffering. I won’t insult you with platitudes, but I know where you are, and really, truly hope you won’t be there for long.

    Take good care of yourself. x


    • Pandora,
      your response was healing. IT is virtually impossible to talk about the things being diagnosed as bi-polar feel like, affect you, affect others around you and of course… mental illness is still thought of as a ‘well stop being a lazy goddamned slob and pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ kind of illness. Hell, I’d say the majority of people do not believe that it IS an illness.
      Example: My cretinous ex-husband (the second one) screamed at me for taking psych meds. Met him at an AA meeting and he was convinced by the literature (because he was an ignorant fool) that ‘working the program’ would solve my depression as well. Pointed out to him the line in AA’s ‘Big Book’ that states that an alkie NEVER give up medical attention or medication if needed.
      Was in AA for almost 13 years, had a sponsor and sponsored others. Even quit smoking ciggies for 10.
      It never did shit for my depression, but I DID remember where what were once mysterious bruises and nicks had come from heh.
      Began drinking again 4 years ago, but rarely of late; too many pain meds, etc to take a chance of an accidental O.D.
      If I go it will NOT be a damned accident. Too pathetic. As they say ‘if you want something done right do it yourself!’

      Your words mean a lot to me right now. Clearly you are educated and no fool and suffer greatly as well.
      I also wish you the very best.


  2. I’ve lived your life, I’m still living it – I’ve been depressed on and off (mostly on for the past 20 years) since I was a child. Less than a week ago, a shrink I had only spent 20 minutes with suggested I was bi-polar. Where are the manic periods, I wondered? Or, maybe I have borderline personality disorder. Or maybe my ex-husband had it. Or maybe we both have/had it.
    It’s next to impossible to find a good therapist or a shrink who will accept my insurance.
    I have a gun, two in fact, but I won’t use them. I have planned another way to leave this world.


    • Oh there are guns in the house, and I mentioned I failed in prior attempts.
      Understand the frustration in finding a GOOD therapist. Medicare covers psychiatrists -but only 50%. Most therapists -at least here in Reno- do not accept Medicare at all.
      It’s all so wrong. Am still without a therapist because there is no way I can afford one, and can barely pay the quarterly visits to the shrink for the med prescriptions. Without BOTH there is no way to get any better.
      Believe that the current DSM states that bi-polar must be characterized by a minimum of three manic episodes: none induced by drugs, alcohol, etc.

      I now suffer from Dysphoric Mania, but did have more than three conventional manic periods in my life. None for at least 15 years now, unless they have been triggered by a new med. that I was immediately taken off.

      Sounds like the therapist was talking out of their ass.
      My father was a psychiatrist, and I spent a lot of time working in his office and learning as much as I could.
      There are also many more poor therapists and psychiatrists than good ones.

      Just keep trying to find one. I may actually have to move in order to keep on finding any will to live at all. Which is impossible when once a month a visit to a church food bank provides enough canned, starchy crap to survive the last week(s) of the month.

      Truly, look for another therapist. Preferably a psychiatrist to begin with, if possible.
      If I can live for a year and a half with so much physical pain, which exacerbates the emotional pain and hideous depression, you should at least try to find another shrink. Thank you for your honesty. god how I empathize. Please please try to find a therapist who will spend a minimum of 45 minutes for your first consultation.
      It’s the only advice I’m capable of giving at this moment. Here is the address (in the US) for The Samaritans; information, free call and they have kept me from death on 2 occasions.
      Have also checked MYSELF into a psych ward. Avoid a county facility unless it’s a last resort, but you WILL find some help.
      Be well.


  3. Rachael, my beautiful internet friend. I’m so, so sorry to hear you suffering so much. My issues with depression are chronic but relatively mild when compared to what you’re dealing with. But even if I “understood” from being there, it wouldn’t take your pain away.

    There were times indeed when ALL I could think about was ways to do myself in. Whether it was blowing my brains, driving off a cliff or trying to peacefully OD, but all I could think about was how much my family would suffer for the rest of their lives – always wondering if they’d failed me in some way, blaming themselves and I realized I couldn’t do it to them. You are so right to think about your daughter.

    I know it all feels like too much and I’m not good at giving advice – I just hope that each passing day, something, anything gets better.

    You are a beautiful bright light, even in the vast cyber universe and you make my world a better place. Thank you for that. (((hug)))


  4. So sorry to hear you going through this. I’ve had bipolar disorder for years and it was only recently that I sought help and got treatment for it. I used to spend every winter and spring in that hell just waiting for anything to get better. Promising myself that if something, anything got better, I’d feel better. I wish depression went away like that. I hope yours gets better soon.


    • James,
      I hope you feel better as well. Thank YOURSELF for knowing it was something that was a disease and chemical imbalance… and taking the best action possible; getting help and cease fighting what cannot be overcome by sheer hope. It’s a circle; the more you feel change is coming because you want it to, the more depressed you become. It seems like a personal failure; not the disease that it is.

      Keep me up to date alright?

      I have a(nother) epidural scheduled Thursday. Last one did no good but maybe this one will help. Just getting rid of just a small portion of the physical pain should be so much better, and make it easier to work on the mental anguish -smile-.
      Be well


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