Seasonal Serial Killer Disorder

In the last month I’ve survived the end of the world, dad’s birthday (he’s been gone for 3 years now but it’s still painful as hell), a nasty epidural from The Butcher, my kid stressing over her freshman college midterms, my boyfriend packing to move out (even though I asked  him to), male pattern baldness and iron poor blood.

Alright, a few of these may be imagined. Or cured with Geritol. Geritol ad courtesy of Welk Family blog at Blogspot

Why is it that Fall begets stress? Similar to a Cinemafia conspiracy worthy of Oliver Stone.

Decided to do some scientific research to answer the burning question:

Why does the beginning of Fall initiate the beginning of Stress, Cold and Flu Season?

Besides the obvious immediate climate change here in Reno, Nevada.

Our state slogan: No Fall. No Spring. No Soup for you.

damned snow all the DESERT

Move to the Desert! The Weather is Here. Glad You're Not?

Here’s what I’ve come up with, based on said scientific research. A poll of random Reno-ites, taken over the period of no determinate time, geographical location in the city and particularly no control group. If you’ll note I said scientific and not the scientific method.

The Question posed to our random sampling of the citizens of Reno was:

Why Does Fall Instigate Your Inner Serial Killer?

Here are a few randomly chosen answers:

  1. All I can think about is the money my husband brings home and how we’ll pay for my Halloween candy, my birthday presents, other people’s birthday gifts as well of course, my Thanksgiving dinner, my Christmas gifts and of course what is going to be left after all of that? What about my bon-bons? Do you have my remote?
  2. What does that mean? Serial Killers? Get the hell away from me
  3. Well I don’t like the snow or driving in it. It brings all of the aliens up from Roswell and Rachel to Reno. Haven’t you noticed the radical lack of tin foil during the upcoming cold months?
  4. If you don’t get off this here property I’ll shoot ‘ya where you stand
  5. As a journalism graduate student at UNR my answer is, uh, ummm, you know like it’s just, ah, stressful.
  6. If you don’t get off this here property I’ll shoot ‘ya where you stand
  7. I LOVE the Fall and beginning of winter. And of course being from California originally we’re used to serial killers
  8. I don’t know. When my husband gets home I’ll ask him what we think.

There were at least 100 respondents and it was discovered that the small sample above was representative of them all.

In Conclusion:

Inhabitants refuse to embrace their Inner Serial Killer, which is sad and may explain the morbid obesity rampant in the city. The vast majority of citizens in Reno are armed with unregistered firearms and WANT to shoot you on sight. Civil Rights of any kind seem to have stopped eight to ten hours south of this place. Or perhaps 30 years. Do NOT send your kids to University of Nevada Reno. There is a ratio of 8 nutters to 10 non-nutters in our city’s populace.

So I’ve found the succinct answer to the question, seasonal stress, urge to kill and iron poor blood.


~Miss R

20 thoughts on “Seasonal Serial Killer Disorder

  1. Of course I can’t speak for Reno, but as it happens,. I did a similar poll in Las Vegas. Since I work in a casino, all my respondents were folks I met there, most of them heavily into casino activities.

    The results: nobody knew that it was Fall. Nobody knew a serial killer, although the casino book will take a bet, at 2000-1, that there is at least one of them on the prowl in the house at any given time.


    • You know I got the same types of response from visitors at several of our casinos here -locals dinner specials- only the idiots from out of town gamble.
      It may be the whole lack of windows and clocks thing. Or more serial killers living in denial here in Reno.
      Let me know if the odds change.


    • you make a good point.Too much daylight to be discovered in summer and the back garden is frozen solid (basement full – sorry no refunds) and impossible to plant bodies. Bulbs. I meant bulbs.


  2. I do all my serial killing in the spring when there is joy in it. I can even convince myself that there is purpose – you know, making room for new life…
    with Fall come the one off murders. No planning, no careful crafting. It’s more like a chore in the fall….

    On the bright side though, the McRib is back!
    Never mind…


  3. Geritol is so much more delicious than Rogaine, and the benefits are at least enough to make the average yuppie ride his/her bike down some scenic pathway in a state of complete bliss. Who needs exercise with products like these on the market?


    • totally going with this one mediausdio. Geritol not only has what plants crave, but it will transform you into a douche wearing tacky to afford an expensive bike.
      And in the words of Robert Benchley ‘Whenever I feel the urge to exercise I lie down until it goes away.’
      Many thanks for stopping by and making me smile


  4. Soooo….
    I really wanted to leave a Reno 911 themed comment
    (except I’m certain you get that all the time).
    Which is a shame.
    Because my Khaki shorts are about the only clean laundry around here at the moment.


    • You have no idea how close that show is to Reality television. Be sure to send that pic of you in the shorts. Reno is also bereft of men in shorts. Plenty of men in tights sure, But not what the single gal is looking for.


  5. All the red leaves just are so many bullfighter’s capes in my eyes. And if I wait to late, I have to stash the bodies at the bus depot. I hate to dig.


  6. Red, know what you mean about the leaves. yep.
    As far as digging I’ll also agree. Now that the basement is full (2 full ‘hidden back rooms -true) and there’s no more room under the floorboards (come right up with a good hammer) I’m forced to stash the damned things behind the vegetation behind the house. Ground is frozen until June anyway.
    Will take your suggestion of bus stops into consideration with one change; thinking of simply leaving said body ON the bus after alighting after a few stops.
    Considering the number of hobos I’ve noticed carrying large body-shaped black bag covered bundles over their shoulders (hey, it’s Reno) who would notice?
    Thank goodness for forensic shows and Dexter. Great tips for ridding the bag of pesky evidence or Hefty bag origination.
    Thanks for the tip!


    • Aren’t you glad they finally renamed CourTV? They should have gone with something besides TruTV though…You know something accurate, like SKEd TV, the network bringing you what NOT to do.


  7. Enjoy the ID channels -which of course I can’t afford with lame-ass Dish Network. Of course Dexter is the touchstone. Plastic sheeting, booties, hair covering, new clothes or better yet nakie! All of that shaving though. Gah, it’s bad enough being a girl and doing the legs, under arms and for many of us other parts of the anatomy. If men only knew what we go through.
    NO ONE cuts my curly locks though.
    Also lacking a harbor to avoid that digging you mentioned previously.

    TruTv has turned into ‘America’s Stupidest -insert noun here- Show.’ Sad isn’t it.
    Like your name idea…SKEd TV. Silly network execs …Pshaw


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