I used to be disgusted but now I try to be amused.

Character defects are something everyone has in abundance.
Well except for me of course. -cue laughter from backstage-

Am attempting to incorporate three salient points, as opposed to Salinger points, into today’s musings and meditations

Never confuse boredom with serenity (Easy)
Never confuse drama with human interaction (VERY Difficult)
Never play cards with a cheating cat (Impossible)

Speaking of peculiar behavior (which is a specialty in these here parts) it was time for the monthly chat with Dr. Haveasquishy.
Sadly it’s a bitch to be honest with someone you don’t respect. Hell, I have a problem vocalizing feelings, terrors and thoughts to people I DO respect for fear that my less than brilliant contemplations will offend them and propel them screaming into the night.
We did have a decent session today and I was as honest as I’ve ever been with him.
Progress not perfection.
Am still suicidal and not yet homicidal so I need more couch time. Nothing like being the progeny of a psychiatrist AND growing up in L.A.
Nobody walks in L.A.
They all have therapists though.

Okay here’s what I learned this week:

1. If I am going to re-wire the end of an extension cord the white wire is the common, black is hot and green is ground. I don’t HAVE to use the green either.
2. Never dwell on a hurt or slight whether real or imagined. Mention it immediately and see if you’re being obsessive, overly sensitive or you’re right.
3. Raleys on Mayberry hires every tard in Old Southwest Reno. Surreal.
4. I’d forgotten how talented the singers of Manhattan Transfer were
5. A hub and a switch work differently. A computer on a switch runs faster (albeit imperceptibly) because packets traveling through a hub have to determine if the different computers connected to it actually receive that particular packet of information
6. The first dinosaur bone discovered in America was found in West Virginia and when presented in a scientific paper promptly ignored. The bone was given to a museum and promptly lost.
7. Experience is something you don’t get until just AFTER you fucking need it
8. Master of the House from Les Miserables is evilly tenacious and will not release your brain. UNLESS someone puts on Overkill by Men at Work which will immediately fuck you off with it’s insidious tune and lyrics.
9. Discontinuing a medication which has been in your system for 12 years without weaning down the dosage slowly puts your body into severe physiological and psychological withdrawl.
nausea, uncontrollable weeping, dizziness, stomach cramps, vertigo, inability to concentrate and it just gets better!
Especially Effexor. Especially if you have not had organic chemistry since college and are not a doctor.
10. My Work is maintaining a tan for the benefit of all mankind
11. I need new business cards made up:

Rachael C. Black
Exectutive Ne’er Do Well

12. All the tinfoil in the world will not keep my whack-ass client from contacting me. if only he was a real client. If only I had not lost all of the tinfoil to lizzie in that poker game last weekend.
13. Lizzie Borden cheats at poker. This with no opposable thumbs. Bitch.
14. A teenager forgives pretty quickly and will begin to say I Love You again.
15. Do not walk behind me, for I will only lead into temptation. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
16. If you have to lose sleep, don’t do it alone
17. No matter what happens, there is always someone ready to tell you that it happened according to his/her pet theory.
Rachael’s Corollary I: No matter what happens, there is always someone ready to misinterpret what it means. A few times it’s been me.
18. Directly spraying kitchen ants with Clorox does NOT kill the bastards
19. Stephen Hawking can’t swim for shit
20. My mother saves every goddamned picture she ever took and today I find that I had a super fine do in 1985 -yark-

Yours in Suicidal Ideation and Non Sequiturs,

~The Still Fabulously Deranged Miss R


Dammit I forgot one. Thanks TK

21.
if you’re hungry eat

if you’re thirsty drink
if you’re happy dance
If you’re tired… watch court tv 

Currently listening:
Living In Oblivion : The 80’s Greatest Hits, Vol. 1
By: Various Artists
Release date: 23 March, 1993

turn and face the strange changes

—written May 2, 2007—— 

 

So tomorrow morning my daughter is off to live with her father.
The flight leaves at 10:55 am and she starts school in Idyllwild on Monday.
This is destroying me.

There was another Chernobyl-worthy melt-down Saturday night, at which point I was treated to a verbal barrage equal only to Linda Blair’s character in the Exorcist.
‘Go FUCK yourself.’ You can’t make me stop swearing” Fuck you I don’t have to listen to you.’
All the while said demon was attempting to barricade itself into one of the rooms at TK’s house while intermittently threatening to break a drinking glass and slash her wrists. Oh yes, she also advised TK to go fuck himself as well.
What a great time was had by all. You shoulda been there.

This was the day after TK had allowed her to have a sleep-over there with three of her friends, where they were treated like the spoiled little wanna-be goth princesses they are. Tons of food, TV, late hours, a soak in the spa, etc.

I am exhausted and so very very lucky that TK is even speaking with me. Yeah I’m quite the friend:
“Excuse me TK? I have a surly 114 pound bag of screaming drama with me. May we please come in? Oh is it alright if she is abusive as hell to you for being kind?”

So after the door was besieged and psycho-child was removed to the kitchen table I called…. West Hills! On the drive over my loving daughter kept making attempts –not real or valiant enough- to jump out of the moving car. The machinations were enough to fucking piss me off and bring on an anxiety attack though.
Once there we were ushered into the office of Large Marge.
Oh I liked this bitch. She fucking rocks.

Continue reading

my fucking head hurts. pass the seroquel.

Buenos Dias Dudes!

This blog comes to you from the crumbling asphalt, failing laptop and bathing suited attire of Reno’s own Little Tijuana.

Last night I slept for 8 full hours, with only one awakening.
This is a freakish oddity of such magnitude that a blog mention is called for.
It is the potential reason that much of the day has been spent in tears, commencing within 20 minutes of slipping out from beneath the sheets.

Apparently this much rest is a gross and severe shock to the body.

In an effort to continue the ‘it’s bad for you!’ thing I decided to forgo sunscreen this afternoon. If my life extends another 5 years it will be a freak of nature and just too weird to contemplate. Therefore gaff the sunscreen and bring on the wrinkles say I.

Spent an hour today outside writing a blog on The Ancient Laptop of the Gods (pat. pend). Unfortunately the wireless slot now appears to be totally fried and this model Compaq is too old to burn a CD.
And then ah ha!

Roderick I have a cunning plan.

Somewhere buried in the house were some old 3.5″ discs.
I tore apart the closet, found one, slipped it in to transfer the essay… and the damned diskette just stuck in there. It would not read. It would not eject. It would not have the common decency to self destruct.
I am now sitting at the desktop and trying to pull an occasional thought and coherent sentence (she laughed) from the laptop screen.

It has been a day of horrors. Too bad it wasn’t a day of whores because then I could have ran the wenches and made a few bucks.
But I digress.

My Demon Seed saw a psychiatrist today, as opposed to her regular therapist. She is now on a small dose of an anti-depressant. The doc says she will be fine and her apathy and lack of interest in school is due to the depression. I’m thinking that just living with the kid should have indicated an up in MY dose of anti-depressants.

Earlier in the day I had seen the shrink (don’t go selling crazy we’re all stocked up here) and was prescribed Seroquel.
Fuck me to tears this is the third change in my cocktail in as many months.

The good news is that this drug has been approved by the FDA for the treatment of bi-polar disorder AND it does help insomnia. The bad news is

1. It was originally developed to treat schizophrenia –oh how nice.
2. Dr. Haveasquishy says “Rachael I have to tell you that one of the side effects of this medication is weight gain”

WWWHHHHAAAAT?!

At this point in the session I contemplate going from tearful and incredulous to borderline hysterical.

I’d rather have been told I have six months to live.

He continues on to say that I will have to watch what I eat and get even more exercise. Even More Exercise? Even Less Chocolate?

If I’d been given the six months to live thing I’d have it made!
Cut the gym visits DOWN to 2 to 3 days a week to keep the endorphins up, eat Bavarian pastries at midnight. Bushmills on the rocks for lunch. Bailys in my coffee in the morning. Weed in my brownies oh anytime.

But NO.
I will gain weight and have to increase the calorie counting and gym visits because the meds will theoretically curb my always happy thoughts by helping me to get some damned sleep.
What could be better? I’ll tell you; Seroquel also scrambles
your H1 histamine receptors which increases appetite.

Dr. Haveasquishy ordered blood work to check for lipids, diabetes etc because of the weight gain side effect and the even cooler side effect of this miracle medication… it can speed the onset of diabetes.

I did some research tonight and have found stories and studies of people getting restful sleep… and gaining 50 fucking pounds in one month.

I’m thinking of switching doctors. Maybe to an oncologist. Pass the Bushmills.

50 pounds in one month? Hell, why don’t I just get married again and put on 6’1″ and 185 pounds. No wait. That’s exactly how much I gained when I got married last time. All it took was the divorce decree to have that particular tumor removed.

Not as if weight isn’t an over-riding long-term physical and neurotic problem in this house. Or that the past few men I have been involved with seem to crave thin women.
WTF do they see in me then?
Hell if I know –sigh-.

A great example of my personal obsession was the hour I spent online yesterday (talk about a weird coincidence) researching Abdominoplasty i.e. tummy tucks, trying to figure out how I could rob the local 7-11 to pay for one.

It’s a mere ten grand and leaves a huge, nasty, unsightly and spectacular jagged permanent scar.
No, this is NOT my gut but it is an amazing re-creation. Well pretty close I guess.



Ohhhh but the benefits? Pay no attention that the above pictured bitch needs to take a razor to that scraggly bush…

1. No more pooch hanging down!
30+ years of yo-yo diets, pregnancy, abdominal operations and the like have left me humiliated to even take my clothes off in front of a man.
I’m a goddamned hottie in the dark though. Grrrrrrrrrrr.
2. I can wear a 2 piece bathing suit. I hear that they’re available all of these years later.
3. Wear clothes from ‘real stores’ and toss my fucking Lane Bryant card in the garbage.

Dammit Jim I’m a garden variety neurotic with occasional flights of fancy into the land of suicidal ideation. Is that so wrong?
I’m beginning to think that the only cocktail I need can be found at the Zephyr or TK’s place.

Keep in mind that depression is a boon to the creative mindset.
Happy people are idiots. The only thing they create is a pain in my ass.

Who IS afraid of Virginia Woof-Woof?

So, in conclusion, I’d like to thank you all for attending this conference. I shall bid you a fond adieu as I have no intention of ever leaving the immediate area of this apartment again.
It will take all of my willpower to either avoid any food for the rest of my life (hopefully short if that’s the case) or becoming morbidly obese and never getting laid again. Once again, thereby mercifully shortening my life expectancy.
I’m hesitant to take this new cocktail tonight. Very hesitant.
I’m not a doctor, but I could play one on television.

If anyone in the audience is interested in a used laptop one can be located in the dumpster behind 5XXX La Rue, Reno NV.

Grab yourself a piece-of-shit laptop, and enough left-over medication samples to make a move to Guyana and start-up your very own Jonestown.

First come first served.
Who loves ya babe?

~miss r

Addendum: Decided last night that I AM not taking the fucking Seroquel. The side effects are too scary. I’d rather be depressed and possessed of my normal cheery, cynical demeanor than wearing clothes from Omar the Tent Maker.

retarded survey ver. 1.67.3

Been in isolation mode the past few weeks and have not posted anything. My brain is on hiatus but rather than gaff writing at all this will do for tonight. Had planned on writing a ‘real’ blog’ today while sitting out on the back side of the apartment building. I affectionately call my back ‘deck’  Little Tijuana. Ugh.

 

Unfortunately the old compaq computer has given up the ghost and the wireless card seems to be a goner.

Lost the initiative to create after screwing around with the thing for 30 minutes. So, if you have an older laptop you’d consider parting with for a reasonable price or trade please let me know. On the bright side I did play the piano and annoy the neighbors with my vocals for over an hour. Take that you wretched fleeting muse!


Now regarding this abyssmal survey; I was instructed to write EXACTLY what came immediately to mind and not change it. In the interest of a public service announcement  and free mental health advisory here you go…

——————————————————
1. My ‘ex’ is….
a total fucktard who should only spontaneously combust. Which ex btw? This pretty much covers them all.

2. I am listening to…
the voices

3. Maybe I should…
take those meds

4. I love..
the smell of napalm in the morning

5. My best friend…
is an executive whack-job

6. I don’t understand…
life

7. I lost my respect for…
myself. I have a way better time now!

8. I last ate…
a bowl of ice cream

9. The meaning of my display name is…
 Well that’s pretty damned self explanatory

10. Love is…
bittersweet

11. Somewhere…
an ex-husband is spontaneously combusting

 
12. I will always…
fall in love too hard

13. Love seems to be…
on your fucking mind doesn’t it? dear god.

14. I never ever want to lose…
my disturbed (and disturbing) mental faculties

15. My mobile phone is…
a piece of crap. oh yeah sprint sucks ass

16. When I woke up this morning…
i had lost the will to live. again. wait that’s every morning.

17. I get annoyed at…
let’s narrow it down; what doesn’t annoy me?

18. Parties…
make me nervous

19. My pet(s)…
my cat and my daughter

20. Kissing…
is yummy

21. Today I…
got out of bed. didn’t kill myself. cleaned the house. filled out disability reconsideration paperwork. laughed at the misfortune of others. pretty satisfying day all in all.

22. I wish…
do not get me started

23. I really want…
to be happy.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY (as opposed to my usual devious lies?)—

What would you rather be called?

01. Sweetie or Honey:
neither. Better yet… darling

02. Darling or Hun:
well there you have it. should have read ahead.

PRESENTLY-

01. is your hair wet?:
no should it be?

02. is your cell phone right by you?:
hell no

03. do you miss someone?:
very much so

04. are you wearing chap stick?
ugh. No. dark red lipstick if you please

05. are you tired?
every minute of every day and every night

06. are you excited?
hmmmm what are you offering?

07. are you watching tv?
no. the voices are blocking out forensic files

08. are you wearing pajamas?:
I don’t wear pajamas. Sheesh.

HAVE YOU-

01. recently done anything you regret?:
of course although my rationalization process is finely honed

02. ever lied?:
EVER? Oh please. Of course.

03. ever stuck gum under a desk?
hell no. I always drop it on the sidewalk in the path of unsuspecting pedestrians

04. ever kicked someone?:
not intentionally

05. ever tripped over your own feet?:
every damned day. you don’t ever want to witness my dancing.

TODAY-

01. have you cursed?:
fuckin a

02. yelled at someone?
no

03. have you gotten mad at someone?:
no

RANDOM-

Q: is there a person who is on your mind right now?
A: yes

Q: do you have any siblings?
A: yes

Q: Do you want children?
A: fuck no but I have one anyway

Q: do you smile often?
A: ya all of the time

Q: do you wish on stars?
A: not for years

Q: do you like your handwriting?
A: bwahahahahaha. Good luck reading it

Q: are your toenails painted?
A: yes thanks tk

Q: are you a friendly person?
A: well you’d think so if we were to meet. i’m also a hell of an actress though so watch it.

Q: who’s bed did you sleep in last night?
A: none of your damned business. Pushy little bastard aren’t you?

Q: what size ring do you wear?
A: if it has a diamond or ruby I’ll have it re-sized. don’t worry.

Q what color shirt are you wearing?
A: white cami

 
Q: what were you doing at 7pm yesterday?
A: enjoying a wonderful sunset and luxuriating in the experience of someone making dinner for me

Q: I can’t wait until…
A: i die

Q: Is tom on your friends list?
A: no he’s a tard who makes my code appear fucked up when I write html or JavaScript into my blogs.

Q: Look to your right:
A: Roland D-10, small peavey, computer tower, original litho on the wall, pile of cds to be burned

Q: Ever cried on your friend’s shoulder?
A: rarely. I do not like to have people see me cry.

—————————–


Guess that covers it for tonight. unless i can’t sleep and write a more original piece around 1:00 am.
not that this has ever occurred.

peace and prozac,

~Miss R

Bi-Polar in a Bi-Partisan World and More Nonsense

good morning.
this despite ‘good morning’ being an oxymoron.
weird and terrible dreams all night long and i slept fitfully until after 9:00 am, waking up constantly. fucking constant insomnia of the depressed and damned.

feeling torn up emotionally and physically at this moment and taking a xanax with the first cup of coffee instead of at noon.

it may be time to rethink the plan of waiting until cate graduates from college and reschedule my date with mr. reaper (that’s MR reaper to you now eat the salmon mousse) to high school graduation.

wordpress is my ‘honest’ blog. have had another going on myspace for a year and a half, but the dark machinations in my mind are not revealed there. for godsake it’s myspace.

as their tagline says: myspace a place for friends!

it does not read: myspace a place for dark honesty and gallows humor!

oh if i ever spilled the truly dark things in my mind you would lock the doors and never speak to any person named rachael again, ala no king ever bearing the appellation john of england. yeppers there’s always one freak to spoil it for the rest of the class.

 

Continue reading

How Much Would you pay for my soul?

Have decided that the weekends are my own and I’m under no obligation to answer slews of emails and phone calls from unnamed clients.

A current client sends a minimum of 25 emails each day along with 4 phone calls, all of which I am expected to answer right then goddammit. This is not a high-paying gig. At all. This has become a dance with death. my mouse

Things to consider while contemplating this matter:

  • Yours Truly has 12+ years of experience doing what I do. That would be for a living you perv. I’ve 30 years experience in the other department but am now too old for anyone to actually PAY me.
  • Somewhere in the past is an utterly useless but fairly expensive college education.
  • I am funnier and far more amusing than my clients or employers. Darker too which adds another 1000 points to my High Score.
  • Am going through a horrific period of acute depression via my close personal friend bi-polar disorder (oh yeah I’m bi. I speak Spanish. Into S&M too ‘cause I can speak Spanish and Mexican).
  • The bank account is depleted
  • I am a whack job of paramount distinction

So what we have here is a conundrum: I am too fucked up and distraught to stop weeping or concentrate for longer than 20 minutes at a time but need to support the demon child and myself.

 

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I’m 11 Years Old in Sober Alcoholic Years Today.

December 29 2006

AA sobriety medallion

Today is my 11th AA Birthday. 11 years without a drink, hit of weed, or street drug of any kind. Not even a decent addiction to a prescription drug.

Pretty boring eh? No wonder I’m such a whack-job.

Okay I’m not all that good and perfect. Difficult to believe yes? One sin is continuing to tell people that I stopped smoking 8 years ago. This then leads to the amusing admission that I am still addicted to Nicorette, well Commit actually but you say tomato I say, uh, Commit.

addictive commit lozenges

I quit smoking a year after I quit drinking. Using my Big Brain for good, instead of evil as is it’s normal function, I calculate that the last cigarette was 10 years ago not 8.

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Miss R presents….. The Myspace Winner in our Most Depressing Song at the Holidays Contest!

Miss R presents…..

The 2006 Myspace Winner of our
Most Depressing Song at the Holidays Contest!

Hannukah, Yule and Christmas Greetings to All. Dammit.
I don’t actually know anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa so you’re on your own with that.

Well I’ve got to say that after my last blog there were a lot of entries for our Holiday Contest. The previous Only-Partially-Tongue-in-Cheek essay was replete with references to garden hoses and autos, razor blades, and dark mountain drives. You know, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

So again here’s my original list and at the bottom we have the Best Picks from Miss R’s Blog Readers.

This was fun and cheered me immeasurably. Without further ado….

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Luddites, Psychiatrists, Alkies and Going Home for The Holidays

Hey all,Off to Idyllwild tomorrow morning. Will be there for a week to spend time with my dad and wicked stepmother. She’s not really wicked. Now his second wife, that bitch was the anti-christ. Idyllwild, California is in the San Jacinto Mountains and sits above Palm Springs. 6000 feet above Palm Springs. It’s a tiny village of about 2500 people year round, and probably 5000 people in the summer. A lot of folks in Palm Desert, Palm Springs have their summer homes in Idyllwild.

This is the view from the deck of my old home in Idyllwild.

Haven’t seen my father in almost two years, although we talk weekly on the phone. The trip is my birthday gift.He has a beautiful Knabe concert grand piano, and you can bet I’ve packed some sheet music. Am working on two songs right now and debated packing the only copies of those pieces that I have. Threw them in. Decided if my baggage is destroyed it’ll be a sign that the music sucked. Continue reading

Another Illuminating Overly Personal Day-In-The-Life Blog

Rachael’s Personal Meditation For Monday:

 

Today I will Terrorize my Inner Child


Couldn’t sleep last night. Not exactly a headline is it.

At midnight I took a Restoril after being involved in an IM conversation for about 30 minutes with Scott W.

For some reason Ambien and Lunesta don’t have much effect on me. So Doctor Abu Havasquishy prescribed the Restoril. It’s an older sleeping medication… and praise be to Allah it worked. Of course the night before it worked but only for two hours,  then I woke up at 4:00 am with creepy-crawlies and the committee having a meeting in my head.

Tried to relax with a bowl of dry cereal. Gluten Free ’cause I’m fucking old and my body seems to reject anything tasty except for men. Sadly they don’t seem to be in season.
This brings me to why I woke up at 7:00 am this morning, despite having managed only 10 hours of sleep total within the prior 72 hours.

“Hello Laura?” says a male voice, which I seem to vaguely recognize.
“Uhhhhh no.” It takes a moment to remember that I am in fact NOT Laura. “This is Rachael.”
Dead Silence
“Oh. This is Glen. Hi Rachael. I thought that I was calling my realtor. Um, really I’m not calling other women.” He laughs uncomfortably.

Glen is the guy who took me to dinner last night. A pleasant evening at Washoe Steak House. Here I thought that he was a nice guy because he gave just me a simple peck on the lips after our date. I was home by 7:30 thinking “Coolness. He didn’t try to cop a feel in exchange for the Filet Mignon.”
Apparently because he’s banging Laura. heh.

 

Rachael’s
39
th Birthday Again ™

Note the Tiara please.

Excuse me while I take a bite out of this Godiva truffle.
Yum. Dark Chocolate in this one.

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