2013: Everybody Wants to Rule the World

Happy New Year 2014

Welcome to the YoYo-Dyne 2013 Year in Review!

Is THIS your kitten?!

Cute Kitty picture

New Year’s Eve. A hot Little Black Dress, 8″ Steve Madden stilettos, my Silver Fox coat, a Vintage 1950’s clutch purse and Call-Girl-Red lipstick.
If this doesn’t impress the cat tonight nothing will.

Here are a few of my favorite things from 2013. A collection of Miss R’s best Tweets, original images, stolen images, a cute kitty and the naughty bits too.

Have a healthy happy New Year and remember: Everything happens for a reason. For instance, if you’re on fire it’s because I don’t like you

Miss R Tweets for You!

  • Does the five second rule apply to my dignity?
  • If you suffer a strange pain today just remember that thousands of people die from that every year
  • Do I have to water this poinsettia or will it die on it’s own?
  • I’m sorry I wore your baby as a hat
  • The “Mayday” button on the new Kindle Fire should be renamed the “Let me show you my Ass” button. That’s all I’ll use it for.
  • I like to live each day as thought it’s my last. This explains having no clean laundry and the unmade bed
  • Ex-husband Number One is now available on Aisle Two
  • Gravity has had it’s way with me. At least something has
  • Stop playing the victim. It’s not even a real instrument
  • You’re never too old to throw random shit in other’s shopping carts while they’re not looking
  • A Happy Spanksgiving to you all!
  • I’m in serious trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s
  • Sure, he’s just the pizza delivery guy. With chloroform and some quality time in the basement he’s the one
  • My phone just changed ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that
  • I like you, but not “I’ll let you out of the basement” like you.
This is The Demon Seed. My daughter as a junior in college looks just like I did as a junior in college.   We talk about her grad school choices, watch Doctor Who specials together, fight over the Fall Out Boy knee socks and worry about our white girl problems

This is The Demon Seed. 
We talk about her grad school choices, watch Doctor Who specials together, fight over the Fall Out Boy knee socks and worry about our white girl problems

I had my heart crushed into the bitter coffee of a Starbucks machiatto

I had my heart crushed into the bitter grounds of a Caramel Betrayal Macchiato

Found some really funny people on the Internet. Funny ha ha. the funny strange people are reading this post.

Found some really funny people on the Internet. Found some really strange people on the Internet.

Got sick of people confusing Bi-Polar with psychopath, bugfuck crazy, too lazy to ‘just be happy’ and/or sad just to make you angry. Eric at Black Box Warnings chose me to contribute a guest post on Bi-Polar disorder. Got a new therapist and a new sponsor this year.

Spent a rainy radical week in the Nevada desert for 4th of Juplaya and attended the work parties in preparation of Burning Man. Missed one work weekend to recover from completely unexpected gallbladder surgery… I can now eat any damned thing I like because the gallbladder is GONE.

Things got weird a few days before my yearly foray to Black Rock City in August. Had everything planned to spend the week before The Burn with my daughter and bestie Spankers setting up our theme camp. Then Burning Man itself. My yearly vacation to Magic, Family, Music, Art, Insanity, Bliss and Gratitude. Home.

Instead I spent the Burn in a hospital bed, paralyzed below the waist. Good times.
Today I exercise and stretch to keep those body parts in good working order. You never know when Tall Dark and Hebrew may come knocking on your door. WASP is good too.

Tomorrow is a new year. It doesn’t mean a new start but it implies a shove of momentum to me. We just won’t wake up tomorrow shiny and thin and rich.
Well you won’t but I still hold out hope.

Life is still funny. I’m still funny. The milk smells funny but there’s a cure for that. So I leave you with a tune and a wicked grin
Cheers to friends. Cheers to Life. Cheers for Tears…

Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives… and to the “good life”, whatever it is and wherever it happens to be.
-Hunter S. Thompson

Love, Cute Kitties and Porn
~Miss R

Merry Christmas! The Late Edition

It’s been a crazy few months. Wanted to dash off a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all. This is my favorite gift, from Peter of Wombania

My Christmas Card from the delightful Wombies

My Christmas Card from the delightful Wombies

Taking steps to regain my life back, literally. Really not steps so much as generic ambulation. It’s a start and it’s cooler than bow ties and a fez. The fatigue from the disease is akin to being hit by a truck every single day. The pain too. I ask you all to forgive my absence. The only thing I want for Christmas? A cure for Transverse Myelitis and for all of those who suffer far worse than myself.

Was accepted to the Johns Hopkins Transverse Myelitis program. All set to buy the plane ticket and check in for the first appointment. After much back and forth on the phone it was decreed at the last minute:  there is no housing for out-patients in clinic programs.
What the hell? Don’t they know who I am? Will work for treats.
Rents in Baltimore? Out of my league. Assisted living options in Baltimore for six months? Throw that in the ‘Brother Can You Spare A Dime’ pile as well. Tried everything possible to find funding. Nothing could be done. No charities for TM, no way to set up a fund or charity for myself. It’s still a dream.
Hell, I still don’t have an electric wheelchair, but I’m saving the gelt up.

Making strides far beyond the original prognosis -rim shot-. Hard work makes for amazing results. I lay about the house all day and exercise. It’s possible in Rachael Land
Was given a roughly 10% chance of walking again. Really? Don’t tell me what to do. I’m better off that way.

May you all have a wonderful, fattening, laughter-filled holiday iced with love and joy. If you don’t see me much it’s because I’m working on a new project, the most important one ever. Crafting a new life, learning to walk and talk and shake it baby.

Tripping the Light Fantastic. With no net.
Walk like an Egyptian? Never!
Dance like a Rockefeller? Hell yes.
Puttin’ on Riiiitz!

Putting on the Ritz

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!
~Miss R

The Doctor Needs a New Companion

FB Valentine sm

Unfortunately I’m not young or gorgeous enough. Ohhhh but didn’t Riversong become gorgeous in her 40’s and 50’s. Grooooowl!
As my daughter reminds me: Never leave the house without being dressed and ready to be picked up by The Doctor.

The PS above was a quick knock-off for FB. Now I’m obsessed with fixing it. You know, adjusting just about everything to make it worthwhile; scissors on top of roses (or a knife instead), edges on the top verbiage highlighted somehow, moving the transparent GIFS to the left…

Damned OCD. Plus perfectionism. Plus artistic love.
But I won’t. It’s a reminder.
Practice not Perfection. Or something like that.

Playing piano, finishing songs, working on PS and Corel skills, going to meetings.
Will be working on something far more important than writing. Really. May toss a few words on another blog that I’ve stashed away, but not here.

Will be gaining some strength, and laughter, and learning a new way to live.
Rather former than new. Always using YOUR help, ideas, laughter, and general bizarre writings.

Speaking of silly (and who isn’t)

Still waiting for a Mad Man in a Box,
~Miss R

Penn Jillette: Christmas

This is a damned long video. FEAR NOT!

Eh, just watch through 2:30  or so. More if you want. Dig this. Did I mention he goes on for a bit?
From yet another close personal friend of mine that has no alleged record of my current email

The Semi-Annual Top 15 Halloween Tunes

As usual I’ve been busy getting Funeral for A Friend up to speed on the piano. Neighbors dig me…. Not so much last week when I pulled my fave-to-play Halloween tune out of the floorboards. Dear god my piano softly wept. The neighbors,  not so softly.

 So without further ado:

  1. Every Day is Halloween –Ministry
  2. Funeral for a Friend – Elton John
  3. Corpse Grinding Man – Harley Poe
  4. Superstition –Stevie Wonder
  5. Werewolf – The Frantics
  6. Time Warp –Rocky Horror Picture Show
  7. Werewolves of London – Warron Zevon (also playing this daily –but an easy tune)
  8. I Put A Spell On You – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins
  9. Little Drop of Poison – Tom Waits
  10. RE: Your BrainsJonathan Coulton
  11. Hell – Squirrel Nut Zippers
  12. Bad Things – Jace Everett.(True Blood theme song)
  13. Bad Moon Rising – CCR
  14. Psycho Killer –Talking Heads
  15. Ghost Town –Shiny Toy Guns

Well, it seems there are some new Samhain tunes in town since the last YoYo-Dyne list. It makes an evil girl weep tears of joy. Mind you, this list reflects the author’s opinion.

On the other hand (THING?!) feel free to nominate any others you can think of.

NOTE: any mention of Monster Mash, Twilight Zone, Friday the 13th Theme or anything by Rob Zombie or Alice Cooper will be laughed off the comments page.

Just too easy.

Let us end this fine playlist with a few atrocious pictures of Halloween costumes… that you wouldn’t be caught dead (or decaying) in.

As for Miss R? I’ll be adorned as a serial killer. The costume my usual street attire of black skirt, black stockings, FMPs and black low cut blouse.

No, it’s not Goth.  It’s just that serial killers look like anyone else on the street.

Trick or Treat my friends. Oh, and don’t shoot the piano player.

most offensive 2012 costume

Most Offensive costume of 2012

Pedo Bear Approved!

Damned furry footed freakin’ Hobbits

A Happy, Prosperous, Deranged and Hot New Year!

May you all have the very finest of luck, prosperity, good health, and leather in the coming year!

Happy New Year

Do you know what the best part of my New Year’s Eve  is?

No, not the fresh prawns (major Sale. -gurgle- mmmm Sale), Montaudon Champagne (mmmmm good friends), cheese, water crackers, phone calls to friends near and far. It was finding this picture…
of Donna Reed.
SUPPLIES!

Cheers to all and don’t forget to call a cab tonight. Or as Natalie Wood said as she sailed to Catalina…. Don’t Drink and Dive *

~Miss R

*Management not responsible for bad jokes, profanity, urge to gag, erections lasting more than four hours, desire for more children, putting forks into toasters or dreams of sugar plum midgets dancing in your head

SECRETS REVEALED: The Truth behind Santa and Hanukkah Harry

First, little miss heart-as-black-as-onyx-cold-as-ice (No Styx references or I will find you and kill you) broke down and bought a Christmas turkey today. It’s only me this year (Half-A-Hebe aka my daughter, won’t be here until New Years) so that’s pretty retarded.

Note to Mensa: membership card in the mail

Also picked up cranberries from the produce section, extra butter, Mrs.Cubbisons bread cubes for stuffing, mushrooms, etc. Naturally when checking out of the store I realized the goddamned turkey was FRESH not frozen.

Good thing Hanukkah Harry comes on the 21st… Sorry Santa: no soup for you.

On the bright side I can drink champagne this Christmas Eve and not worry about the hideous Christmas morning hangover which normally throws me into heaves while slicing onions and gutting a large bird at 7:00 am Christmas morning.

I said Christmas turkey as opposed to holiday turkey. Sure, it’s not like we ate ham at Grandma Anna’s at Hanukkah, but still the turkey is considered a noble Christmas tradition.  Honestly I don’t care if you wish me Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Crazy Kwanzaa, Cool Yule or a Festive Festivus (you wouldn’t BELIEVE how great my stripper pole looks with the tinsel). It’s the time of year when we wish for magic and snow. Or in my case, growing up in Los Angeles, rain.

Seriously. Kids actually pray for RAIN on Christmas in SoCal. It’s actual weather.

Lucky Ex-Husband Number One is from Brooklyn. He couldn’t figure out how the hell kids could believe in Santa’s sleigh when there wasn’t any snow. Ever.

Of course he is Jewish, and I explained to him that keeping an oil lamp going for 8 days and nights in the middle of a barren desert pretty much fell into the same category.

Okay back to the topic: So you wanna kill your in-laws this happy holiday season!

No. That’s next week’s post.

 It’s ….Santa and Hanukkah Harry!

I got good news and bad news.

Hanukkah Harry DOES exist, as does Santa. True.

Santa brings a plethora (which is slightly more than a buttload) of gifts on one night. My friend Liqourstore Bear thinks that Santa isn’t real, but has his doubts. After all, how could our parents –constantly whining about upside-down mortgages, collection calls and no you can’t have that cereal it’s $4.99 a box- possibly provide gifts, wrapping paper, and batteries not to mention keep all of those goodies hidden from us?

As always the doubts stem from some jerk-ass kid at school whose parents are Jehovah Witness and don’t even celebrate the poor little bastard’s birthday, nevermind Christmas.

However, you will note that the stockings ARE stuffed by the chimney with care on Christmas morning.

As for Hanukkah yes we receive eight crazy nights of gifts. The problem is that we get the same shit that the Christian kids do. One night is socks, one underwear, etc, etc and hopefully on the final night you get what you REALLY wanted.

Don’t forget that one night you get gelt (the little chocolate coins) to use with your dreidal. No coincidence that gelt (for you goyim it’s Yiddish for money) sounds so much like guilt.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

So, the bottom line is this: kids get gifts at the holidays. It’s the HOLIDAY LAW. Doesn’t matter how broke your parents or grandparents (thanks for the socks grandma) are.

Logic follows (however non-linear) that Santa and Hanukkah Harry DO exist.

All you have to do is Believe…. And always use MasterCard.

~Miss R

p.s. Mom actually purchased the holiday meal. She doesn’t know yet. I have no money nor matchsticks to sell. And yes, I did use her Mastercard.

 

Holidays! Suicide Rates Up! Corporations Thrilled!

It’s actually a myth that suicide rates increase during the holiday season. Same type of urban myth that  insists crime goes up during a full moon.

Sounds Pagan and cool though eh?

Bummer for the Insurance conglomerates.
No more threats of paying out for medical costs until Spring. Party on Doctor Garth.

Paging Dr. Howard, Paging Doctor Fine….

It's a Wonderful Life

Here’s a cheery fucking Christmas ditty. Decided to ditch the Haiku this year.

The perfect picture
Great film and memories most dear
No lighted angel nor pine bough
No comfort this year
Maybe a bell will ring
Maybe I’ll answer
and get my wings

Cheers to all of you celebrating without loved ones; gone and remembered or far away and felt.
Let’s enjoy that tuna sandwich, dearth of lights joy and family. A new year is coming. Make it through the night.

Miss R

Corporate Dress, Magic and Drunken Santas: Part 1

 

santa crawl

Just another night in Reno. Move along nothing to see here.

I was invited to the Magic Underground last night to see Kalin and Jinger. Astounding show.  If you live here in Reno get tickets, and if you’re in Vegas you can also catch them. Close-up magician Jacques Simard boosted my Movado without my so much as noticing.
Here’s the weird part: That afternoon I’d taken the watch to a jeweler and had the band repaired. To say I was cognizant of that watch last night is an understatement.

Yesterday afternoon my friend ~J invites me to this show, the tickets are courtesy of his company. I couldn’t decide what the hell to do last night so I said ‘sure, sounds interesting.’
It was my understanding that we’d see the show then wander around downtown checking out the thousands of Drunken Santas, reindeer, elves and Slutty Mrs. Clauses. I thought that the tickets were a perk of ~J’s job and perhaps one of the owners couldn’t make the show and passed the tickets along. Cool.

Here’s what happened: I got dressed as usual for a night out with friends in Reno. You know; silk whalebone corset, skirt so short that when I lean over to say ‘hi’ you can see my ass cheeks, garter belt, stockings and heels. Oh, and of course my Fab 1950’s black cashmere coat with the huge fox collar. It’s fucking cold outside.

So I get to Magic Underground, it’s dark outside and cold, and have a smoke waiting for my friend to arrive. He shows up and I find that this is not actually a ‘left-over ticket’ evening. It’s the fucking Corporate Christmas Party.

You know that recurring dream? The one in which you show up to school but forgot your underwear? It was just like that except all I was wearing WAS my underwear.

Luckily these people are all geeks (it’s an IT company) and didn’t seem that phased. We all got along great. Oddly I’ve been trying to get a job there.
This seems to be a fine first impression wouldn’t you agree?

~Miss R

 

Shake ‘yer Booty it’s International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Miss aRRRRR attired for Talk Like A Pirate Day

Miss aRRRRR attired for Talk Like A Pirate Day

Avast ye scurvey swine!

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day!
Hard to believe it’s already September 19th. Arrrrrrr

It feels vaguely Fall-like here in Reno today. Windy, cloudy, and a bit of chill in the air. I’m thinking that soup may be a good choice for dinner. Not particularly reminiscent of the High Seas and Anne Bonney but comforting nonetheless.

Anyway, I’ve celebrated Talk Like a Pirate Day (TLAP) for at least six years. When Cabin Fever was still extant my employees were encouraged to dress in Pirate gear for this most amazing and special of days. Okay they were encouraged and threatened.

Cabin Fever on September 19th always featured appropriate décor (heh use your imagination and add a few cheaply acquired nautical props as well,), sales on pirate action figures, pirate flags, eyepatches and other accoutrements of the pirate life, espresso drink specials, contests (always purposely idiotic and amusing. To myself and the staff, not so much the customers) and of course there was much Talking Like Pirates.

Now that my career has careened I can only celebrate at home but I still wish to bring the joy and amazement of TLAP to you and yours.

Here are some Pirate Facts for your proverbial private pirate party enjoyment.

Let me leave you with one question though…
Is a Land Shark anything like a Land Ho?

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Miss R’s 2006 Best Of/Worst Of Awards

2006

What It Is


1) CLUB-HOPPING BUDDY OF THE YEAR
TK (by the way did I mention that he drinks?)

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD
Catie wins!

3) NEWCOMER AWARD
Donna Donna

3) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR
Uhhhhh. Had a lot of them in ’87

4) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR
Starting my new book ‘So You’re Unemployed! Tips and Tools for Dumpster Etiquette’

5) BEST HOLIDAY
Halloween of course

6) MY SONG FOR 2006
World Wide Suicide –Pearl Jam

7) Best Movie 2006
Clerks 2

10) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH
A group of like-minded Anti-Valentines Day Singles at the Pepper Mill. Hey that was a high point! I organized it anonymously on CL and it turned out to be fun and funny (see blog)

11) BEST RELATIONSHIP
my purple vibrator. tough choice here

12) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN
Went as a sane person. Great costume and almost believable

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