Fuckin’ A Fridays: Zombie Edition

It’s Fuckin’ A Fridays!
Resurrected for your enjoyment. Now With More Brrraaaaains

This week’s Interweb assemblage has been garnered via hours of intensive research. avoidance of the human race, procrastination (designing a new header for the blog), physically taxing duties (returning texts) and resisting the incursion and retreat of De Gaulle. And his bladder.

All the while sparing no expense, and at the risk of great bodily harm. Yes!
Dangerously and precariously balanced on the table next to Laptop Command Central totters the aging, dusty and cat hair entombed Stack of Death. A horrifying site of deforestation comprised of collection notices, medical bills, pleas for donations (sucks to be you), credit card offers from banks unaware of Miss R’s credit score, SSD paperwork, Medicare paperwork, and the abomination of them all: a six by 9 inch stack of papers, scraps of papers, and plasticized pieces of paper we like to call To Be Filed.

Never venturing far from YoYo-Dyne’s Secret Underground Bunker located somewhere in Reno, underground, here are the funniest and most amusingly WTF items uncovered this week.

Source

Have finally managed to save time when visitors come by and want to ‘play’ my piano

Read one of those ubiquitous online directives ‘Pick up the book closest to you. Turn to Page 45. The first complete sentence describes your sex life for 2013.’  What I found was “Don’t hold your breath trying to get through.” How do it know?!

Source

That’s it for today. Tune in next week for the continuing saga ‘Getting Off Your Adorable Ass and Accomplishing Something Creative.’ Followed by our new segment ‘Defenestration, Power Bills, and You!’

~Miss R

I Want Your MTV

Could not help myself.
Silliness Rules in Holiday Spirit.

Dare to Be Stupid

Close Personal Friend (oh hell acquaintance. Okay he has no idea who I am after 20 years) of mine deserves a holiday shot.. Weird Al
Hanukkah Harry Approves.

NOTE: Hannukah Harry has been the top Search Term on YoYo-Dyne for two weeks.
WTF. Am only Half-A-Hebe… but that’s another song

Feel free to skip to the last video if you are a 90’s kid (Hrrrumphh)

It’s an 80’s Holiday
(INTRO)

Weird Al…. Remember it. Do it. With Mark Knopler’s approval….

Even BETTER:

Swimmin; Pools… I Want My MTV

~Miss R

A Plethora of Foolishness: A Guide to El Guapo

El Guapo: The Man. The Myth. The Misanthrope.

Today’s Music: Volga Boat Song/Let’s All Dance to Joy Division Mash-Up

You may think that you know El Guapo but you are mistaken my friend.
From his humble beginnings as an Irish Satanic Hindu living on the streets of Paris, selling matchbooks to wealthy Japanese tourists, his exploits continue to amaze the blogosphere.

Certainly he has Alpine skied the Great Lakes, surfed the titan swells of Barstow, and of course his most fabulous feat: Using his parachute but once during that historic dive from the highest most point of the roller coaster on Casino Pier atop Seaside Heights, NJ. AFTER Hurricane Sandy.

El Guapo is truly a living legend.

Here a few pointers you’ll need to truly enjoy Guapola, the home of El Guapo.

1.

BYOB. This tip was passed along from an anonymous high school friend. Guap was once heard to mention over mystery meat and expired milk “Sonny won’t Cher” (sic).

2.

The man loves Poles. Sadly he is Anti-Semantic in person and purposely taunts his ‘common’ readers with correctly placed semi-colons. Not to mention full bladders as he guzzles his daily beer intake. See Above. We are not aware of his full colon exploits.

3.

The El Guano Cave: do not attempt to fund an expedition to his top secret location in Gotham. Although he does reveal his present whereabouts as The City he is in current litigation with next door neighbor, a Mr. Bruce Wayne. Court documents have been sealed but it appears that a conflict has arisen over bats in the belfry.

4.

Never attempt to dissuade El Guapo from his taste in music. Do not laugh, condescend nor feed the animal. It is rumored that he once beat a 43 person crowd of Kenny G. fans to death with a small mammal. Another rumor has it that he used marsupial road-kill as back up.

5.

His weekly Friday Foolishness blog posts are funded by The People’s Front of Judea. Do not mistake this organization for a Zionist conspiracy. Mr. Guapo appears to have chosen the name of this alleged charity organization in order to funnel money. Yes! The proceeds from his writing are wired into a Swiss bank account, via the Cayman Islands (where El Guapo purports to ‘surf’). Money is then transferred to the World Wide Organization for Flies and Sewage. DBA records show that this shell company is a wall shielding The Sally Struthers Anorexia and B-Actress Eradication Program. The man does not wish the world to know of his philanthropic slant.
What else can be said of this adventurer, explorer, giver and supporter of the underprivileged?

Well let’s check this shit out!

– El Guapo Birthday Poll –

El Guapo Readers I hope that this Primer helps your understanding of the madness and brilliance that is El Guapo.
Let us all wish him a Happy Birthday!

Visit Other Posts Celebrating Guapola Foolishness
Alex, Frank, GingerFightBack, GingerSnaap, H.E. Ellis, Kanerva, Suzanne,Weebs, CheekyDiva, Edward Hotspur, M3, Joe, H.R. Nightmare,LoveAndLunchmeat, Kayjai, LizzieCracked, Rachael, ODNT, Brian, Linda, John,Benzeknees, SandyLikeABeach

p.s. blame Red heh

Dial M for….. ‘M’ is for Murder

Here’s my newest hit tune to try and get your ire up. Or Irish. Or Hebe. Perhaps Eye-talian.

Mitt Romney could be a blood relative. Scary.

Before this honorarium here’s a story dealing with murder. Well you faithful readers know PF2 from previous posts. New readers? PsychoFuck2; The last ex-husband.

So anyway he’s buried in the old farmhouse in Michigan. The one I gave over to PF2 in order to escape. Now I’m forced to leave this hip home in Reno due to lack of space.

PF2 lost my house in foreclosure. I was so depressed the party at my house was broken up by the police.

Luckily for the new owners of the place in Michigan the vegetable garden has awesome soil.

Naw not the money is making me move. Everybody Lies.

Yeppers. The basement is full. Despite The Shining furnace. Could not get the damned bodies into the wood or coal burner. Tall bastards. That’s the way I like it like it like it uh huh uh huh uh huh.

Anyway the ground has been frozen solid here in Reno for 5 months. This is NOT a funeral home. No room at the Inn. Hell, I adore dating… just not most of the dates. Basement is full. Garden can’t be dug up for at least another 4 weeks.

Moving is the only option. Oh, I’m not a nutjob like the White City murderer. Just a conscientious dating and single gal. And what’s a fire poker between friends?

 Anyway, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. On to More Murder

Ode to Mitt Romney

 

Mitt Romney Mitt Romney Mitt Romney
You‘re acting the ‘publican zombie.

Mitt Romney Mitt Romney Mitt Romney
Are you sure that you’re not the commie

Mitt Romney Mitt Romney Mitt Romney
Your wardrobe is bought via Palin

The losers behind in the polling
Get cash for the clothes from the mailman

Mitt Romney Mitt Romney Mitt Romney
Your RNC vests are so omni

Can hardly wait till you’re in the bathroom
Just tapping your foot with a zoom zoom

Mitt Romney Mitt Romney Mitt Romney
How can you stay ‘way from the Blacks and Jews

Your comments on all Anti-Mormon
Are all responses to morans.

Mitt Romney Mitt Romney Mitt Romney
Your voting is such a di’chotmy

Think self-deportation shall work
And medical care is for jerks

Mitt Romney Mitt Romney Mitt Romney
I know that you’re just fucking sorry

If murder was legal in this state
You’d be in my garden in slate

No Ted Nugent on this one. Still thinking of a video producer. Oh wait. I’m a  TV producer. Hmmmm need casting suggestions. Any suggestions or volunteers?

M is for Murder. Of our country.

~Miss R

F is for Funny

 

 

Fuck I fooled ‘ya!

F is also for Fall-Out Boy, which is also Funny.

 

 

 

So here’s the hybrid bastard child of both. Two two two funnies in one.

 

For Fuck’s Sake have a Fun Filled Good Friday!

 

 

EXTRA POINTS: If you get the joke in my F graphic

 

 

~Miss R

E is for Empathy

-THIS SPACE FOR LET-

Girlfriend in a Comma

There’s a difference between grammar idiocy and drunken typerism.

Learn it. Know it. Live it.

Orgies for Abstinence

And now an Important Message from the Candidate for the Rest of Us. You know… with brains. Ahmnodt Heare!

 

Ahmnodt Heare for President

The United States have historically fought wars for peace. It must be working because we have been doing it for years. It is in this spirit that I believe we should promote abstinence through orgies.

Certain events prevented me from planning the last two “Orgies for Abstinence”, which could explain why they went so well.  I am back and want this to be the best ever!  Official “Orgies for Abstinence” events are held twice a year:

• The first Friday after Easter – This assures that all those who had chosen to give up abstinence for Lent to participate.  (April 13 is the Friday after Easter in 2012.)
• Election Night – This is an activity that allows Americans what it is like to be a politician.

I am a firm believer in abstinence.  The government has been saying that the “War on Drugs” has been working and that wars in the…

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Two Fer Tuesday Affirmations for The Deranged

Many years ago, in a neighborhood not that far away, I and a friend exchanged our own personal Affirmations For the Day.

In order to bring a bit of true light into your dreary little lives I shall share two of mine which were carefully crafted to bring joy and inspiration to the huddled masses everywhere. You’re Welcome.

“If someone compliments me today
I will look for the hidden agenda”

and if you’re still not enlightened…

“Today I will create a crisis situation
so that i may feel truly alive”

Thinking of making this a weekly post. We all need a mantra for the day. Me, being such a giver, have bestowed two upon you my beloved reader.

Choose wisely Grasshopper.

~Miss R

A Ron Paul Dance

Had to add the video, for old times sake.

If you’re foolish enough to think that Ron Paul didn’t  ‘know about’ the first person newsletters bashing Jews for almost 10 years and his other fabulous. sorry loon, crap then ignore the video.

Wanted to put the song up for Ron’s platform speeches though. You’re welcome Ron. Expect a Cabinet position for Miss R.

SECRETS REVEALED: The Truth behind Santa and Hanukkah Harry

First, little miss heart-as-black-as-onyx-cold-as-ice (No Styx references or I will find you and kill you) broke down and bought a Christmas turkey today. It’s only me this year (Half-A-Hebe aka my daughter, won’t be here until New Years) so that’s pretty retarded.

Note to Mensa: membership card in the mail

Also picked up cranberries from the produce section, extra butter, Mrs.Cubbisons bread cubes for stuffing, mushrooms, etc. Naturally when checking out of the store I realized the goddamned turkey was FRESH not frozen.

Good thing Hanukkah Harry comes on the 21st… Sorry Santa: no soup for you.

On the bright side I can drink champagne this Christmas Eve and not worry about the hideous Christmas morning hangover which normally throws me into heaves while slicing onions and gutting a large bird at 7:00 am Christmas morning.

I said Christmas turkey as opposed to holiday turkey. Sure, it’s not like we ate ham at Grandma Anna’s at Hanukkah, but still the turkey is considered a noble Christmas tradition.  Honestly I don’t care if you wish me Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Crazy Kwanzaa, Cool Yule or a Festive Festivus (you wouldn’t BELIEVE how great my stripper pole looks with the tinsel). It’s the time of year when we wish for magic and snow. Or in my case, growing up in Los Angeles, rain.

Seriously. Kids actually pray for RAIN on Christmas in SoCal. It’s actual weather.

Lucky Ex-Husband Number One is from Brooklyn. He couldn’t figure out how the hell kids could believe in Santa’s sleigh when there wasn’t any snow. Ever.

Of course he is Jewish, and I explained to him that keeping an oil lamp going for 8 days and nights in the middle of a barren desert pretty much fell into the same category.

Okay back to the topic: So you wanna kill your in-laws this happy holiday season!

No. That’s next week’s post.

 It’s ….Santa and Hanukkah Harry!

I got good news and bad news.

Hanukkah Harry DOES exist, as does Santa. True.

Santa brings a plethora (which is slightly more than a buttload) of gifts on one night. My friend Liqourstore Bear thinks that Santa isn’t real, but has his doubts. After all, how could our parents –constantly whining about upside-down mortgages, collection calls and no you can’t have that cereal it’s $4.99 a box- possibly provide gifts, wrapping paper, and batteries not to mention keep all of those goodies hidden from us?

As always the doubts stem from some jerk-ass kid at school whose parents are Jehovah Witness and don’t even celebrate the poor little bastard’s birthday, nevermind Christmas.

However, you will note that the stockings ARE stuffed by the chimney with care on Christmas morning.

As for Hanukkah yes we receive eight crazy nights of gifts. The problem is that we get the same shit that the Christian kids do. One night is socks, one underwear, etc, etc and hopefully on the final night you get what you REALLY wanted.

Don’t forget that one night you get gelt (the little chocolate coins) to use with your dreidal. No coincidence that gelt (for you goyim it’s Yiddish for money) sounds so much like guilt.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

So, the bottom line is this: kids get gifts at the holidays. It’s the HOLIDAY LAW. Doesn’t matter how broke your parents or grandparents (thanks for the socks grandma) are.

Logic follows (however non-linear) that Santa and Hanukkah Harry DO exist.

All you have to do is Believe…. And always use MasterCard.

~Miss R

p.s. Mom actually purchased the holiday meal. She doesn’t know yet. I have no money nor matchsticks to sell. And yes, I did use her Mastercard.

 

Seasonal Serial Killer Disorder

In the last month I’ve survived the end of the world, dad’s birthday (he’s been gone for 3 years now but it’s still painful as hell), a nasty epidural from The Butcher, my kid stressing over her freshman college midterms, my boyfriend packing to move out (even though I asked  him to), male pattern baldness and iron poor blood.

Alright, a few of these may be imagined. Or cured with Geritol.

Why is it that Fall begets stress? Similar to a Cinemafia conspiracy worthy of Oliver Stone.

Decided to do some scientific research to answer the burning question:

Why does the beginning of Fall initiate the beginning of Stress, Cold and Flu Season?

Besides the obvious immediate climate change here in Reno, Nevada.

Our state slogan: No Fall. No Spring. No Soup for you.

Move to the Desert! The Weather is Here. Glad You're Not?

Here’s what I’ve come up with, based on said scientific research. A poll of random Reno-ites, taken over the period of no determinate time, geographical location in the city and particularly no control group. If you’ll note I said scientific and not the scientific method.

The Question posed to our random sampling of the citizens of Reno was:

Why Does Fall Instigate Your Inner Serial Killer?

Here are a few randomly chosen answers:

1. All I can think about is the money my husband brings home and how we’ll pay for my Halloween candy, my birthday presents, other people’s birthday gifts as well of course, my Thanksgiving dinner, my Christmas gifts and of course what is going to be left after all of that? What about my bon-bons? Do you have my remote?
2. What does that mean? Serial Killers? Get the hell away from me
3. Well I don’t like the snow or driving in it. It brings all of the aliens up from Roswell and Rachel to Reno. Haven’t you noticed the radical lack of tin foil during the upcoming cold months?
4. If you don’t get off this here property I’ll shoot ‘ya where you stand
5. As a journalism graduate student at UNR my answer is, uh, ummm, you know like it’s just, ah, stressful.
6. If you don’t get off this here property I’ll shoot ‘ya where you stand
7. I LOVE the Fall and beginning of winter. And of course being from California originally we’re used to serial killers
8. I don’t know. When my husband gets home I’ll ask him what we think.

There were at least 100 respondents and it was discovered that the small sample above was representative of them all.

In Conclusion:

Inhabitants refuse to embrace their Inner Serial Killer, which is sad and may explain the morbid obesity rampant in the city. The vast majority of citizens in Reno are armed with unregistered firearms and WANT to shoot you on sight. Civil Rights of any kind seem to have stopped eight to ten hours south of this place. Or perhaps 30 years. Do NOT send your kids to University of Nevada Reno. There is a ratio of 8 nutters to 10 non-nutters in our city’s populace.

So I’ve found the succinct answer to the question, seasonal stress, urge to kill and iron poor blood.

Move.

~Miss R

Just Can’t get enough of this Apocalypse Shit!

Sing with me!  “Jesus Love the Little Children, Munch Munch Munch Munch”

Here are a few tidbits of religious history that you’re probably not aware of.  And not to worry! Each sect has it’s own incorrect ideas (and dates) for the End of Days. I am aware of them because for some bizarre reason theology and mythology (same thing) fascinate me.  I’m one of those people who are tagged by the Mormons (LDS brand) and Jehovah’s Witnesses (Jehovah Jehovah Jehovah!) in the Do Not Attempt to Assimilate Log.

First off, Christianity itself was built upon the idea of an  immediate apocalypse, one that was to occur during the lifetimes of those first followers. Ooops.
There’s nothing in the bible stating that thousands of years would pass but there are passages in Luke, Romans and Daniel which allude to ‘The End is Near.’ and it was to occur in the first century.

One of my favorite apocalyptic dates was New Years 2000 when all computers were to inexplicably self destruct into a million pieces and mankind would be thrown into the stone age. Celebrated like hell that year. I worked with computers and here were hundreds of thousands of nutbags stocking up on water, ammo, and the last porn left at the 7-11.
But I digress:

How about those Jehovah’s Witnesses? Well their history has been a roller coaster, and the religion was pretty much dead in 1925 when thousands of followers gathered on a hilltop to watch the end of the world… and of course everyone else was drinking bathtub gin and dancing their asses off. It took 50 years for the church to rebuild a following. Here are the main reasons:
1874: Date for Christ’s “invisible presence,” changed to 1914
1914: End of the world
1915: Replaced 1914 for the end of the world
1918: End of the world, the destruction of churches
1925: End of the world with the return of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob
1929: “Beth Sarim” House of Princes built in San Diego, deeded to king David and other biblical prophets for their “soon” return upon the earth
1940’s: End of the World would come with the “soon” battle of Armageddon
1975: 6,000-years of human history, the end of the world would come within “months, not years.”
1994: 80-year Generation of 1914 should bring the end of the world, 1995 redefined the word “generation” to be symbolic of general readiness for the end.

That’s a hell of a lot of Apocalypses. all in one religious sect too!
Look, I could go on about the Seventh Day Adventists, Mormons, Catholics and just about every other religion.

The Jews are still waiting for the Messiah, although the Torah does mention the End of Days there is not a prescribed date. Nor the idea of the Chosen People going to heaven and the Gentiles going to Hell.
Pretty fucking smart: make no predictions and you won’t wind up with spoiled milk, evaporating gallons of water and pallets of stale matzoh.

First sign of the Apocalypse

Here’s a fun page (note I said fun. The authors admit they have no resources to back up their claims.) I can vouch for coming across several of them myself in various scriptures and texts. No that this means a bloody thing
THE REAL DAY(S) OF THE APOCALYPSE!
Scroll to Failed Prophesies.

Now certainly I’ll get some nasty feedback from my readers (Hi Mom! Hi Dad!) and all I can say is: Too fucking bad. Write your own damned blog and I’ll see you Sunday for dinner.

Have a few more visual signs to help get through the coming Days. You’ll notice that NOWHERE in this essay did I include a picture of the Four LOL Cats of the Apocalypse. If I see this damned graphic one more time I’m off to Geneva. to put sugar in the tank of the Large Hadron Collider.

Heh. I got your Supreme Being right here Baby.

Don't blame God! Blame Stephen Hawking, And Me.

Things that herald a coming Apocalypse

~Miss R

Are you ready for your Mystery Date?

No I did not write this ad, but it is one of the better ‘fake’ profiles I’ve found posted on the Interwebs.

Sick. Twisted. Funny as all Hell.

Let’s see if friggin wordpress let’s me use an embed code.

Those bastards. It didn’t work.

Okay then try this….

The Keyboard Kid at 6th Grade Talent Show