Murder! Mayhem! Sex! Free Beer!

I am so full of crap. Great headline though eh?
This is my “I am Bored and All Alone in Reno Birthday Survey”.

Please do steal and re-work it for your own glee and amusement.
I did.

you need a bat to the side of your head

Tired of all of those surveys made up by dumb and/or degenerate
high school kids?

How about one made up by a dumb and/or degenerate adult?

50 questions for the people who are a tad older

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Car insurance. Those blood suckers

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Um….. it’s been months and months. Probably TK’s house.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
Who says I’m not a virgin? Sheesh. Lies and whispers I tell ‘ya.

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
Marrying Lucky Ex-husband Number Two. That dickhead.
Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Abraham Lincoln

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sitting on a beach in the sun reading a book while simultaneously being felt up by a hot erotic man. Oh yeah, since this is fantasy I’m drinking a glass of champagne as well.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A pathologist or a movie star

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Two; graduated from the second. could n longer afford the first.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
What shirt?

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
Oh they’re too low. I must pay more.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
Somewhere warm with the ocean nearby… South America maybe

I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Thank god that was a dream –shudder-. Nightmares are my life.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
It’s cold in here and who stole my life?

14. Favorite underwear?
none

15. Favorite thing about the opposite sex?
eyes

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
cleaning up after other people i.e. my kid

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Sure. For CIA pharmacological experiments.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Well that depends if I actually sleep at all

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
George Bush

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy /girl?
That is potentially the stupidest question I’ve ever come across. Pardon the terminology.

21. Have you found real love yet?
I did but of course I’m an idiot romantic

22. When did you first start feeling old?
In the early 90’s when I realized that my vinyl collection far outnumbered my CD collection

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Unbaptized small child. Medium rare.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
An empty wallet

26. Beach or lake?
Beach.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No. I just have a steep learning curve

28. Do you own property?
Technically my daughter is chattel and not property

29. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
Oh yeah I’m gonna post that.

31. What’s your drink?
Club Soda and Bitters. Shaken not stirred.
32. Cowboys or Indians?
Huh? What happened to ‘grown-up survey?’

33. Cops or Robbers?
I always played the Serial Killer. Strangely there is no one around to confirm this

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
Hank Stratton. He was my best friend, which brings me to a favorite joke:
Why did god invent fat girls? So little gay boys would have friends.

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
KRZQ or NPR. Don’t remember.

36. Norm or Cliff?
Norm. Cliff was not amusing just dumb. The same reason I’ve always detested I Love Lucy.

37. Grey’s or The Office?
Neither. Dexter or 60 Seconds to Disaster

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
That should read mistakes plural, this is not an essay and I am not Dostoevsky

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
You mean the cat?

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Dead? Dorothy Parker. Living? Harlan Ellison.

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
For what –raises eyebrows- ?

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
In 1982. Into a tree off of Laguna Canyon Highway. Driving my ’76 Camero. At 50+ MPH. Good times.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Well it wasn’t really me, it was the driver in car in front of me. On the 91 freeway in the middle of the desert coming back from Palm Springs. Seems the engine was on fire. Damned disposal Hyundai

44. Last book you read?
The Lost by Daniel Mendelsohn. An account of the author’s search for family members who were killed by the Nazis in Poland. It’s funny, sad, intriguing and suspenseful.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
Hell no.

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
The front yard. I don’t think that this is so strange though.

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
Camping along the Russian River

48. Do you go to church?
What is this ‘church’ you speak of?

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Funny you should mention that as I have neither

50. How old are you?
19 or 39. I can’t remember…..Steely Dan or Jack Benny

Currently listening:
Small World Big Band
By: Jools Holland & His Rhythm & Blues Orchestra
Release date: 18 December, 2001

-NOTE- This was originally posted in 2007, and answers reflect that time in our/my glorious history. In particular I was 12 years sober, still had retirement accounts, and had not yet sprouted a gray hair; the Demon Seed was not yet into the full tilt boogie evil teen mode. Seems as though nothing else has changed.
Thanks to Max for re-posting this and reminding me. See her answers to my eccentric survey at the previous link.

Oh. my birthday is  actually November 12. Gift registry available at any Dollar Store near you.

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Me

One of the requirements for accepting the  Most Versatile Blogger Award is to list 10 things no one knows about you. Whoa. What a diversion from the title of this post.

1. Graduated from high school at age 15. Started college at age 14. Graduated with a BFA in Music Performance at age 20.

2. Was known as an idiot in college by acting my age

3. Created, grew and designed a brick and mortar store plus e-commerce site that made me shit loads of money while your kids were in kindergarten. Lost it all by marrying… too many times.

4. Once won a game of Trivial Pursuit, against 6 other players, in a complete drunken black-out. Had no idea I’d actually played the game until informed the next day by the hubby. That would be the first one. Husband, not black out.

5.  My cat cheats at poker. Biatch has opposable dew claws

6. Could live on escargot, fresh french bread, fresh aspraragus and beef tar tare….for life. Will kill. sorry work,  for tasty food.

7. Own more than 10  furs. Fur is not murder. Fur is fucking warm. Mink coat, ermine throw, fox neck-throw, silver fox 3/4 jacket… FUCK YOU PETA. They’re all vintage  but hey I dig ’em. Did I mention my feelings towards PETA?

8. Daughter has been a vegetarian since age 11

9. My nipple jewelry is WAY cooler than yours

10. Designed and had my only tattoo 18 years ago. Way before any other woman in my town or probably yours. I feel far superior to any ass (literally) with a tramp stamp.

11. (Extra Credit) My humility is only outdone by my size five foot fitting comfortably into my mouth

A Warm-up

So if you’ve read any of my older posts -going back 3 or 4 years-  you’ll notice some pointless surveys mixed amongst the other detritus of my mind.

Since it’s been months since my last post this is a warm-up to try and get myself back into the groove of writing. Yeah it’s a knock-off quickie (Mmmmm quickie) but it’s something.

There’s a great blog that Celluloid Blonde turned me on to today. It gave me the inspiration to re-activate the wordpress machine. If you’re a screenwriter you’ll dig this. If you’re  an amateur writer you’ll dig this. If you have ANY brains at all you’ll dig this.

Dig it?


Twenty Questions with Absolutoly No Coherent Theme

1. Beatles or Stones?
Beatles While Stoned

2. Have you ever vacuumed the house in your underwear?

WTF is underwear?

3. Do you secretly like disco?
Do you secretly like Screamo?

4. Have you ever had a monster under your bed?
Does my ex-husband count?

5. Coke or Pepsi?
Cabernet

6. If you thought you could get away with it, would you?

Yes. I have finely honed instincts of preservation

7. If you thought you would get caught, would you anyway?
No. I have finely honed instincts of preservation

8. Do you have an adventure fantasy? If yes, what is it?
It involves leather and restraints

9. You’ve lost everything. Do you lie, beg, borrow or steal to get it back?

You phrase this as if it’s THEORETICAL. Sheesh.

10. You’re driving too fast thru a residential neighborhood. A dog and a fat man are crossing the street from opposite directions. You have to hit one to avoid hitting the other. Who gets run over?
Aim for the Fat dude, use him as a cue ball and take out the dog

11. Are you saving that morsel of food that is stuck in your teeth for a special occasion?

No. It’s for you.

12. If you were invisible, where would you hang out?
I am invisible dimwit

13. You are drunk as a skunk. Do you ride A) a mechanical bull B) a stolen motorcycle C) A butt ugly member of the opposite sex
Define”butt ugly”

14. Are we human? Or are we dancer?

We are Devo

15. A train leaves NYC at 2PM EST, heading west at 140mph. A plane leaves LA at the exact same time, heading east at 700mph. Where’s Waldo?
Fixing my goddamned dinner so I don’t miss the connection in Denver

16. You’re standing butt naked on a street corner. Are you A) a pervert B) waiting for the bus C) The Emperor
The EmpRESS

17. What is the color of love?
Black. Just like my heart.


18. Will Michael Jackson be allowed into Rock & Roll Heaven?

They have stricter immigration laws there

19. In one word or less, describe your nose.
It smells terrible –rim shot-

20. Do you think the world is going to end in 2012?
Only if I’m very very lucky.

80’s Survey (My Muse is still on vacation)

1. How old were you in 1980?
Mostly 18 (not much has changed)

2. How old were you in 1989?
Mostly 27

3. Were you a Toys R Us kid?
God no. I had these other cool things. You may know them as ‘books and record albums’

4. Did you watch Transformers?
I was a tad old for that

5. Did you see E.T. on the big screen?
Yes, it was okay. Liked “Close Encounters” better

6. Did you own a Lite Bright?
No and I always coveted the neighbor kid’s. Think I’ll head over to Toys R Us and remedy that resentment right now

7. Who is your Favorite Golden Girl?
Hell if I know. Never watched the show.

8. When someone says “Who you gonna call?” You think…?
Either “Ghostbusters” or “no one” because I rarely use the phone

9.What was your favorite toy?
The neighbor kid

10. Did you have a Pogo Ball?
No. What the hell is a Pogo Ball? Sounds like fun.

11. Did you listen to New Kids on the Block?
I’m thanking all the Gods I was already too old for that crap

12. What New Kid did you have a crush on?
That’s a good one! Sorry, but as a teen my heart belonged to Iggy Pop and David Byrne

13. Did you play M.A.S.H?
Is that like “Doctor” with more gore?

14. Did you watch The Care Bears?
I’m thinking No.

15. Did you have Jelly bracelets?
No but I remember those grotesque Jelly shoes. Eesh. Ugly And Uncomfortable.

16. Did you have a charm necklace and/or bracelet?
Oh yes. It went so well with my leather skirt and converse high tops.

17. Did you own a glo-worm?
Is that a toy or a drug?

18. Did you ever own a slap bracelet?
God, what is all of this crap? Was I missing out on important shit while playing all those records over and over in my apartment?

19. The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles?
Sixteen Candles by a mile. Bonus: It still holds up after all these years

20. Did you have a crazy hair style?
Yes children, I sported a spiked neon colored ‘do for a few years.

21. What was your first bike?
Huffy-style. Fun one. I used to jump off of it while in motion and land in neighbor’s yards, which explains some memory loss.

22. Name one thing you still own from your childhood.
My low self esteem.

23. Did you have a Cabbage Patch Kid?
No. They are eerily reminiscent of a hydrocephalic.

24. Did you dress like Madonna?
Madonna dressed like me

25. Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake?
I need to write a shiny new quiz for those of us who were in our LATE teens and twenties during the 80’s. Dear god.

26. Did you watch Miami Vice?
Really liked the music at the time, which was pretty radical for a TV show. Go Jann Hammer

27. Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes?
What is this obsession with jelly?

28. Did you own a Trapper Keeper?
Is it a toy or a drug?

29. Atari or Nintendo?
Atari!

30. Did you play Pac-Man?
Oh, yeah.

31. Which was better: Jem and the Holograms or Barbie and the Rockers?
Well, I don’t know about Barbie (I suspect she’s a talentless hack) but I did watch Jem a couple of times and seem to remember that the “villain” band was called The Misfits (without Danzig and Jerry Only or the songs about murder. I think).

32. He-Man or She-Ra?
How about neither

33. What movie scared you the most?
Hmmm probably Halloween

34. Did you try to dance like Michael Jackson?
No. I’m far too white for that.

35. What Is The First Thing That Comes To Mind When You hear Flux Capacitor, Great Scotts?!!!
Besides a DeLorean? Going out to the desert with the rest of the Creative Services department from KREN and beating the shit out of an old TV, using baseball bats (that’s another story). We took the television remains and left them on the desk of the head station engineer, along with a work-order that said…. ‘Broken Flux Capacitor. Please repair and return to Creative Services’.

36. What other colors did Pepsi come in?
Was there a Clear one? Marketing was just a pointless in the 80’s.

37. Roger Rabbit Or Howard The Duck?
The movie Roger Rabbit is fabulous. The Howard the Duck movie was horrendous. The comics rocked though.

38. Did you ever beg your parents to have your school picture taken with the LASER background?
Uh, I was already in college by 1980.

39. Do you know what the Ninja Rap is?
Does it have anything to do with turtles?

40. Do you know why people cringe when they hear the word BUCKNER?
Can I buy a vowel?

41. Can you name the family members from National Lampoons Vacation movies?
Given enough motivation I probably could.

42. Did you have pump sneakers?
No. What part of high top converse didn’t you get? Although later in the 80’s I migrated over to high-top Reeboks. One pair in black and one pair in bright pink.

43. Did you own HYPER COLOR shirts?
No and I’m not sure what those are. If you mean ugly-ass flourescent shirts, oh yes I had one of those.

44. Did you watch Smurfs?
No. Not even accidentally when I was hung over.

45. What do you miss most about being a kid?
Jumping off my bike onto the lawns of my neighbors.
It doesn’t work as well in a car.

Saturday Survey Says….. Procrastinate

 
1. Do you know someone named Amanda?
Yes. She makes a kick-ass Thanksgiving dinner too

2. Do you know anyone named Chris?
Several people, including myself

3. Ever kissed anyone with a name starting with R?
Yes, it was nice.

4. Ever kissed anyone with a name starting with J?
See above. Hey, I like to kiss.

5. Do you have any siblings?
One

6. Do you look alike?
Fuuuuuck. That’s a resounding no in case you were wondering

7. What color are the walls in your bedroom?
Tacky Apartment White ™

8. Are you named after a grandparent?
Yes. Two of them.

9. Are you a heavy sleeper?
What is this sleep you speak of?

10. Who did you last hug?
TK

11. Are you taller than 5’3?
Only in my FMPs

12. Eaten a bug before?
Both accidentally and dipped in chocolate

13. Ever see a dead body other than at a funeral?
Sadly yes.

14. Who do you love?
Am I supposed to sing along now?

15. Who is your best friend?
My best friend knows who they are.

16. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
This is a No Texting Zone

17. What are your initials?
RCB

18. Do you like to read?
Like it? I live for it.

19. Are you a jealous person?
Innately? Yes. I think most human beings are. It doesn’t correspond to people specifically either.

20. What made you smile today?
A phone conversation

21. What did you do today?
Got out of bed. Went to the market. Got back into bed.

22. What did you do yesterday?
What DIDN’T I do yesterday. Hell, I didn’t get home until 3:00 in the morning.

23. What’s the first thing you would do with a million dollars?
Leave the fucking country for someplace warm.

25. How many hours did you sleep for last night?
four (a banner evening)

26. Who was the last person you had a sleep over with?
Honey there’s a damned divet in my bed because the only one who ever sleeps in it is myself.

27. Who’s the last person that creeped you out?
It takes a lot to creep me out. After all, I’m a parent.

28. Do you like your school?
What?

29. What jewelry are you wearing?
One diamond earring and two silver earrings

30. Anything fun happen today?
I haven’t checked the ammo supply yet

31. Anything bad happen today?
I haven’t checked the ammo supply yet

33. Are you mad at anyone?
Mad? No. I normally get over anger quickly. I’m probably far too forgiving. Okay I am.

34. What’s the last thing you bought?
Time

35. Have you cried today?
Not yet, but it will happen.

36. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I doubt it.

37. Do you have shoes on?
I don’t even have pants on.

38. What’s the closest thing to you that is pink?
Ummm, there are some neon pink fishnets in my top drawer. Not much pink here at Chez Noir.

39. Do you get annoyed easily?
Depends on the Annoy-er

40. Are you photogenic?
God no
–shudder- (as opposed to –shutter-)

41. Do you like to draw?
I only draw people… to the brink

42. Are you good at saving money?
I have no idea. I’ve never had any to save.

43. What should you be doing right now?
Discussing dinner plans with Stephen Hawking. You gotta be careful. Steve is a fucking messy eater.

44. Who’s the sexiest person alive?
Besides myself?

45. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
No. On Saturday mornings I drink Bushmills and watch porn. I watch cartoons on Wednesday.

46. Is there a secret you’ve never told your best friend?
Probably. That’s why it’s a SECRET dumbass.

47. Have you ever told someone you hated them?
Once or twice. I don’t really hate anyone. I just don’t care.

48. Have you ever changed your clothes in the car?
Hell yeah.

49. What are you doing in 2008?
Let me grab this Ouija board….

50. What is your ring tone?
I wouldn’t know. No one calls me. Oh yeah. I just don’t care.

What Tarot Card Are You?

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery – when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

 

This is actually pretty damned accurate for me right now. Weird.

As an aside I used to read tarot cards for a living, amongst other strange and exotic occupations. Fucking liberal arts degree.

I also put exactly zero stock in tarot readings, mediums, psychics, Ouija boards and the National Weather Service.

 

~Miss R

Attention! General Boredom and Major Apathy!




Survey Says….

1. It’s 2AM on the weekend, and you are not home. You are more than likely:
dead in a ditch covered with petrol

2. What’s the last thing you spent more than $100 on?
car insurance. grrrrrr

3. What do your bank checks look like?
rubber

4. Where did the shirt you are currently wearing come from?
hot topic in denver

5. Name something that is on your Christmas wish list
peace and love for all mankind. Not really. Fuck that. A car would be good though

6. What color is your toothbrush?
what toothbrush

7. Name something you collect.
Ouija boards. And dust.

8. Last restaurant you ate at?
Legal Seafood in Boston. Nowhere in fucking Reno that’s for sure.

9. Last person you bought a Birthday card for?
my niece

10. What is your worst bad habit?
that is almost a double negative you cretin. So, I’m gonna say grammer.

11. Name a magazine you subscribe to?
Smithsonian

12. Your favorite pizza toppings?
Extra cheese

13. Who’s number were you looking up the last time you used a phone book?
Who the hell uses a phonebook? Google!

14. Who is the person that you love most?
My daughter

15. What is the last thing you cooked?
Baked Ziti with a ricotta cheese, garlic and mushroom sauce.

16. Name something you wouldn’t want to buy used?
a dildo

17. Which shoe do you put on first?
left

18. What is the last thing you remember losing?
my mind. I think it’s under the couch though

19. What is the ugliest piece of furniture in your house?
the tv/stereo cabinet

20. Last thing you bought and ended up returning?
a boyfriend

21. What perfume/cologne do you wear?
Coco Chanel or Opium

22. Your favorite board game?
I hate board games since I used to sell them in my store

23. Last board game you played?
Cranium

24. Where did your vehicle come from?
a fucking retard

25. If a movie was made about your life what would the theme song be?
over my head

26. You’re sad, who can cheer you up easily?
~c or ~t or ~j

27. What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to?
who does that kind of crap at my age? Most are on marriage number 2 and 3 these days.

28. What house cleaning chore do you hate to do the most?
Scrubbing the floors. I keep wrecking my stockings in that French maid outfit.

29. What is your favorite way to eat chicken?
heh

30. It is your birthday. You hope the cake is?
filled with men!

Currently listening:

Wincing the Night Away

By: The Shins

Release date: 23 January, 2007

Murder. Mayhem. Sex. Free Beer.

I am so full of crap. Great headline though eh?
This is my “I am Bored and All Alone in Reno Birthday Survey”.

Please do steal and re-work it for your own gleeand amusement.
I did.

you need a bat to the side of your head

Tired of all of those surveys made up by dumb and/or degenerate
high school kids?

How about one made up by a dumb and/or degenerate adult?

50 questions for the people who are a tad older

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Car insurance. Those blood suckers

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Um….. it’s been months and months. Probably TK’s house.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
Who says I’m not a virgin? Sheesh. Lies and whispers I tell ‘ya.

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
Marrying Lucky Ex-husband Number Two. That dickhead.
Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Abraham Lincoln

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sitting on a beach in the sun reading a book while simultaneously being felt up by a hot erotic man. Oh yeah, since this is fantasy I’m drinking a glass of champagne as well.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A  pathologist or a movie star

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Two; graduated from the second. could n longer afford the first.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
What shirt?

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
Oh they’re too low. I must pay more.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
Somewhere warm with the ocean nearby… South America maybe

I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Thank god that was a dream –shudder-. Nightmares are my life.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
It’s cold in here and who stole my life?

14. Favorite underwear?
none

15. Favorite thing about the opposite sex?
eyes

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
cleaning up after other people i.e. my kid

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Sure. For CIA pharmacological experiments.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Well that depends if I actually sleep at all

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
George Bush

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy /girl?
That is potentially the stupidest question I’ve ever come across. Pardon the terminology.

21. Have you found real love yet?
I did but of course I’m an idiot romantic

22. When did you first start feeling old?
In the early 90’s when I realized that my vinyl collection far outnumbered my CD collection

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Unbaptized small child. Medium rare.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
An empty wallet

26. Beach or lake?
Beach.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No. I just have a steep learning curve

28. Do you own property?
 Technically my daughter is chattel and not property

29. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
Oh yeah I’m gonna post that.

31. What’s your drink?
Club Soda and Bitters. Shaken not stirred.
32. Cowboys or Indians?
Huh? What happened to ‘grown-up survey?’

33. Cops or Robbers?
I always played the Serial Killer

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
Hank Stratton. He was my best friend, which brings me to a favorite joke:
Why did god invent fat girls? So little gay boys would have friends.

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
KRZQ or NPR. Don’t remember.

36. Norm or Cliff?
Norm. Cliff was not amusing just dumb. The same reason I’ve always detested I Love Lucy.

37. Grey’s or The Office?
Neither. Dexter or 60 Seconds to Disaster

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
That should read mistakes plural, this is not an essay and I am not Dostoevsky

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
You mean the cat?

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Now Dead? Dorothy Parker. Still Living? Harlan Ellison.

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
For what –raises eyebrows- ?

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
In 1982. Into a tree off of Laguna Canyon Highway. At 50+ MPH. Good times.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Well it wasn’t really me, it was the driver in car in front of me. On the 91 freeway in the middle of the desert coming back from Palm Springs. Seems the engine was on fire. Damned disposal Hyundai (this was in the early 90’s)

44. Last book you read?
The Lost by Daniel Mendelsohn. An account of the author’s search for family members who were killed by the Nazis in Poland. It’s funny, sad, intriguing and suspenseful.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
Hell no.

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
The front yard. I don’t think that this is so strange though.

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
Camping along the Russian River

48. Do you go to church?
What is this ‘church’ you speak of?

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Funny you should mention that as I have neither

50. How old are you?
19 or 39. I can’t remember. i.e. Steely Dan or Jack Benny

Currently listening:
Small World Big Band
By: Jools Holland & His Rhythm & Blues Orchestra
Release date: 18 December, 2001

 

-NOTE- This was originally posted in 2007, and answers reflect that time in our/my glorious history. In particular I was 12 years sober, still had retirement accounts, and had not yet  sprouted a gray hair; the Demon Seed was not yet into the full tilt boogie evil teen mode.

Fall Survey Says….

As we used to say in grade school…
Have a nice trip. See you next Fall.




1. Do you like pumpkin pie?
only my own; a pumpkin chiffon, home-made crust and caramelized pecans on top

2. Apple cider?
is it fermented?

3. candy/caramel apples?
caramel apples yum. candy apples gag

4 Are you scared of black cats??
on Friday the 13th when I’m underneath a ladder shattering a mirror

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
only of the past

6. Ever seen a ghost?
every day

7. Do you carve pumpkins every year?
Used to with my daughter –smile-. Probably not this year.

8. What do you like better, Thanksgiving or Halloween?
 Halloween of course. What’s better? Creepiness, costumes, candy and the macabre OR Celebrating Genocide and Family Dysfunction.
Damn. There are a lot of similarities.

9. Do you still go trick or treating?
Honey, I’m too old to trick –on any level- and the last treat I got was divorce papers.

10. Do you have a Halloween costume?
Some people feel that my entire wardrobe qualifies

11.What is your costume?
Well this year I plan to go as Miss Twin Towers. As opposed to Miss Twin Peaks which is my usual appearance.

12. Have you ever been to a real haunted house?
It was allegedly haunted.

13. Ever sleep at a graveyard?
Mmmm yummy. Maybe that’s what I’ll do this year. Care to join me?

14. Which are better… witches or zombies?
Witches of course. Zombies do make better films though.

15. Do you watch scary movies on Halloween?
Natch. This year I plan on watching Steel Magnolias or Bridges of Madison County. Ooooh Scary Boys and Girls! –she says in her best Count Floyd voice-

16. Ever heard of Michael Myers?
Heard of him? Hell I was married to that bastard for 8 years.

17. If Freddy came up to you what would you do?
Call my shrink for an adjustment in my meds

18. Do you get scared easily?
Ya

19. Do you like candy corn?
Didn’t used to but I will eat a few pieces now. There’s something so… child-like about it.

20. Do you know the song monster mash?
Bobby Boris Picket.

21. Do you remember your first Halloween costume?
Yes. A lion. Still have some old 60’s Polaroids somewhere. Always loved kitties. Grrrrrrr.
 
22. Finish the line… TRICK OR TREAT……
Smell my feet gimme something good to eat

23. Do you hand out candy?
I prefer handing out fresh apples with tasty razor blades embedded in their ripe flesh

24. What is your favorite thing about Halloween?
No one fave. The New Year’s celebration (told you I love Witches), dressing up, my daughter’s excitement, costumes and of course chocolate. Oh and razor blades.
 
25. What will you do this year for Halloween?
Sleep in a graveyard. Probably alone. As fucking usual.

26. The actual day of Halloween?
Buy plenty of apples. Well, extra razor blades and LSD too. You don’t want to run out.

Currently listening:
Little Shop Of Horrors: Original Cast Album (1982 Off-Broadway Cast)
By: Alan Menken
Release date: 25 August, 1992

The movie of my life

Thanks Janie!

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic
Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy – your life appeals to a select few. But if someone’s obsessed with you, look out!
Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Currently listening:

Excitable Boy
By: Warren Zevon
Release date: 25 October, 1990

Shiny Happy New Survey

alrighty then. there seems to be a miasma of despair and sadness on this blog of late. damned broken heart.
in any case i have decided to write a survey.
as well i should.
it’s cheery.
you’ll like it.

Confused? Perfect.

1. If you were to kill a man, horror movie style, which kitchen utensil would you use?
A salad shooter

2. Did you ever swallow a coin?
Nooooo

3. What was the worst gift you’ve ever received?
A 99 cent package of blank cassette tapes from my boyfriend. I had given him a gold and diamond ring. Yeah I’ve been dumb a lotta years since this was in the 80’s..

4. What is your most embarrassing childhood memory?
when my father showed up blind drunk to my senior piano recital.

5. How many kids do you want?
Just one and I already have her

6. Whats your moms middle name?
Rachael

7. Have you ever operated a fire extinguisher?
Yeah, on my Hyundai on the 91 Freeway outside of Palm Springs. In the middle of No-Fucking-Where-Desert

8. Worst car you ever had to drive and why?
Let me count the ways. No cars….

9. Who do you hate?
No one. I detest everyone though.

10. What do you hope to have accomplished by the end of this year?
a pulse

11. Do you have any reallllly crazy relatives?
Insanity doesn’t run in my family. It gallops.

12. Did you ever wake up under the influence of NyQuil, completely unable to move?
Uh no. Name a FUN barbituate

13. Are you feeling nostalgic right now?
For the way things were a week ago, does that count?

14. Did you own a Lite-Brite?
Never did. I’m still bitter.

15. Can you dive?
You betcha

16. Do you own a mouthpiece for anything?
Ya, two sax mouthpieces and one oboe mouthpiece.

18. Have you ever used a pogo stick?
yeah, I loved em when I was kid

19. Who was the most creative bum you’ve ever met, trying to get some money from you?
One night when TK and I were out a guy asked for a dollar. We said no and he then said “yes but would you LIKE one?”

20. Whats your favorite Jelly Belly jelly bean flavor?
Too fucking random. How about Frost Wine 2001?

21. Favorite food you CRAVE?
TK’s barbeque

22. When was the last time you pulled lint out of your bellybutton?
Wait a minute. I SHOWER every day.

23. Did you ever use someone else’s toothbrush?
probably but I was likely hosed at the time

24. Do you REALLY floss everyday?
no but when I do it’s someone else’s floss

25. What is your favorite cologne/perfume you always wear?
Opium or Coco Chanel. It’s a tie.

26. If you were on Double Dare, would you take the physical challenge?
What the fuck is double dare?

27. What’s the largest living organism that you killed?
The bastard wouldn’t eat the poison mushrooms

28. Did you ever take a lighting bug and smear its guts on your arm so you get a cool glowing effect like war paint?
No you sick fuck. I did catch them on summer vacation in PA when I was a kid though

29. What’s the best toy you’ve ever gotten in a McDonalds happy meal?
I only do sad meals. The toys are usually rocks or really ugly sweaters.

30. if you could be anywhere in the world doing anything right now what would it be?
I’m going to cry now. Piss off.

31. Can you juggle? YES!

32. How do you feel right now?
Like friggin loser. Oh wait. I am.

33. Do you remember that square candy bar called “Chunky”?
yum. I liked Ice Cubes better though

34. Predict the length of the next Peter Jackson movie.
2 years 13 hours and 16 minutes.

35. What was your favorite toy as a kid?
45 singles.

36. Are you willing to go the distance?
Depends on who I’m fighting. Or fucking.

37. Did you answer question 17?
Yes, but only in my head and I’m not telling you the answer
~Miss R

Listening To:
John Hiatt – Perfectly Good Guitar

retarded survey ver. 1.67.3

Been in isolation mode the past few weeks and have not posted anything. My brain is on hiatus but rather than gaff writing at all this will do for tonight. Had planned on writing a ‘real’ blog’ today while sitting out on the back side of the apartment building. I affectionately call my back ‘deck’  Little Tijuana. Ugh.

 

Unfortunately the old compaq computer has given up the ghost and the wireless card seems to be a goner.

Lost the initiative to create after screwing around with the thing for 30 minutes. So, if you have an older laptop you’d consider parting with for a reasonable price or trade please let me know. On the bright side I did play the piano and annoy the neighbors with my vocals for over an hour. Take that you wretched fleeting muse!


Now regarding this abyssmal survey; I was instructed to write EXACTLY what came immediately to mind and not change it. In the interest of a public service announcement  and free mental health advisory here you go…

——————————————————
1. My ‘ex’ is….
a total fucktard who should only spontaneously combust. Which ex btw? This pretty much covers them all.

2. I am listening to…
the voices

3. Maybe I should…
take those meds

4. I love..
the smell of napalm in the morning

5. My best friend…
is an executive whack-job

6. I don’t understand…
life

7. I lost my respect for…
myself. I have a way better time now!

8. I last ate…
a bowl of ice cream

9. The meaning of my display name is…
 Well that’s pretty damned self explanatory

10. Love is…
bittersweet

11. Somewhere…
an ex-husband is spontaneously combusting

 
12. I will always…
fall in love too hard

13. Love seems to be…
on your fucking mind doesn’t it? dear god.

14. I never ever want to lose…
my disturbed (and disturbing) mental faculties

15. My mobile phone is…
a piece of crap. oh yeah sprint sucks ass

16. When I woke up this morning…
i had lost the will to live. again. wait that’s every morning.

17. I get annoyed at…
let’s narrow it down; what doesn’t annoy me?

18. Parties…
make me nervous

19. My pet(s)…
my cat and my daughter

20. Kissing…
is yummy

21. Today I…
got out of bed. didn’t kill myself. cleaned the house. filled out disability reconsideration paperwork. laughed at the misfortune of others. pretty satisfying day all in all.

22. I wish…
do not get me started

23. I really want…
to be happy.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY (as opposed to my usual devious lies?)—

What would you rather be called?

01. Sweetie or Honey:
neither. Better yet… darling

02. Darling or Hun:
well there you have it. should have read ahead.

PRESENTLY-

01. is your hair wet?:
no should it be?

02. is your cell phone right by you?:
hell no

03. do you miss someone?:
very much so

04. are you wearing chap stick?
ugh. No. dark red lipstick if you please

05. are you tired?
every minute of every day and every night

06. are you excited?
hmmmm what are you offering?

07. are you watching tv?
no. the voices are blocking out forensic files

08. are you wearing pajamas?:
I don’t wear pajamas. Sheesh.

HAVE YOU-

01. recently done anything you regret?:
of course although my rationalization process is finely honed

02. ever lied?:
EVER? Oh please. Of course.

03. ever stuck gum under a desk?
hell no. I always drop it on the sidewalk in the path of unsuspecting pedestrians

04. ever kicked someone?:
not intentionally

05. ever tripped over your own feet?:
every damned day. you don’t ever want to witness my dancing.

TODAY-

01. have you cursed?:
fuckin a

02. yelled at someone?
no

03. have you gotten mad at someone?:
no

RANDOM-

Q: is there a person who is on your mind right now?
A: yes

Q: do you have any siblings?
A: yes

Q: Do you want children?
A: fuck no but I have one anyway

Q: do you smile often?
A: ya all of the time

Q: do you wish on stars?
A: not for years

Q: do you like your handwriting?
A: bwahahahahaha. Good luck reading it

Q: are your toenails painted?
A: yes thanks tk

Q: are you a friendly person?
A: well you’d think so if we were to meet. i’m also a hell of an actress though so watch it.

Q: who’s bed did you sleep in last night?
A: none of your damned business. Pushy little bastard aren’t you?

Q: what size ring do you wear?
A: if it has a diamond or ruby I’ll have it re-sized. don’t worry.

Q what color shirt are you wearing?
A: white cami

 
Q: what were you doing at 7pm yesterday?
A: enjoying a wonderful sunset and luxuriating in the experience of someone making dinner for me

Q: I can’t wait until…
A: i die

Q: Is tom on your friends list?
A: no he’s a tard who makes my code appear fucked up when I write html or JavaScript into my blogs.

Q: Look to your right:
A: Roland D-10, small peavey, computer tower, original litho on the wall, pile of cds to be burned

Q: Ever cried on your friend’s shoulder?
A: rarely. I do not like to have people see me cry.

—————————–


Guess that covers it for tonight. unless i can’t sleep and write a more original piece around 1:00 am.
not that this has ever occurred.

peace and prozac,

~Miss R

Unable to Concentrate on Work…..so Survey Says!

Original instructions: Read the “offense” and if you’ve done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you’ve read each “offense” and added up your total fine.

This survey is amazingly retarded and pointless, therefore a testament to my fear in tackling a new project.


Smoked pot — $10

Did acid — $5

Ever had sex at church — $25

Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40

Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25

Had sex for money — $100

Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican (WTF?) — $20

Vandalized something — $20

Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10

Continue reading

I Am Not a Godless Heathen

To paraphrase my friend Jack who may have parphrased me…

Forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last blog…

Yesterday I found a FABULOUS list of intelligent folk who are self-professed atheists. Dear Readers in case you’ve been binge drinking and paying no attention I am among that atheistic number.
Since many of my heroes are listed among them I find a recent poll stating that the majority of Americans distrust and fear atheists to be depressing at best and unsurprising at worst.

To quote John Stuart Mill:
Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative.

To quote Rachael C. Black:
Although it is not true that all religious types are stupid people, it is true that most stupid types are religious.

Eleven years of AA meetings has screwed with my head, but don’t they love it when I speak up and eschew the god thing. Heh.
Burn her! She’s a Witch!
rachael is an angel! rachael is a devil

Please note the purposeful use of the word RELIGIOUS and not spiritual. Although some days I’m not sure of the latter either.

Continue reading

No Valentine’s Day. Oh Please.

 

 

 It is the things in common that make relationships enjoyable, but it is the little differences that make them interesting.

-Todd Ruthman-

 


 

Spent 3 hours at the gym today. What’s up with that?
I’m a spaz and don’t particularly enjoy -shudder- exercise.
I ski well because the boots hold me up and swim well due to buoyancy issues.

Between the full-tilt 45 minutes of cardio exercise, then stretches, a swim and a steam time flew. I do feel much better and have lost another 2 pounds, which was prior to the steam. Hmmm I weigh less now than I did when I got married. That would be the first time.
Of course certain portions of my body have shifted since then so thank the goddess for both underwire brasseries and my fine legs remaining the same through all time.
It was my first time for a steam, I’ve always been a sauna gal. Not any more.

I’ve decided to stage my ultimate demise in a steam room, enveloped in the warm sensuous arms of the wet eucalyptus air.
Heaven.

Now about Hell….Valentines Day is fast approaching. I abhor it and am suffering attacks of melancholy already.

It wouldn’t be Valentine’s Day without several of my blogs reviling this horrific holiday and my own distate and growing depression as the 14th approaches!

Right? Right.

 

 

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