A Survey for Procrastinators

The No Lying Survey
–gee as opposed to an “I’m lying about every single question” survey. This is the first one of these I’ve filled out in months, so I’m clearly procrastinating on the day’s agenda—

7. last beverage: coffee
6. last phone call: mom
4. last cd played: full CD? Storytelling: Belle and Sebastian
3. last BUBBLE bath: about a month ago
2. last time you cried: yesterday
1. last meal: full meal? Chicken and Pasta ala TK


6. have you ever dated someone twice? yes
5. have you ever been cheated on?: yes
4. have you ever kissed someone & regretted it?: hell yeah
3. have you ever lost someone?: yes
2. have you ever been depressed?: oh no not me
1. have you ever been drunk and threw up? you betcha

SIX things you did in the past three days:

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A Recently Completed Survey

Yesterday my daughter forwarded me a ‘survey’ she’d received and completed. In the spirit of Maternal Love I then answered the questions myself and then forwarded the damned thing to my friends.

Whoever came up with the questions did a fine job, they’re random, telling and amusing. Yeah there are a few duds but that’s just like life isn’t it.

This must surely be the penultimate in narcissistic behavior. Filling out a survey about yourself and posting it on your own blog.

Well too bad. You try amusing yourself for a month while recovering from a womb-ectomy. Ha. I dare you. Particularly if you’re a guy.

Bon Apetit!

You and Jesus go out to dinner – who pays?
Jesus of course. His dad’s got a buttload of money.

Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently?
You wake up as the opposite gender what’s the one thing you wanna try?
writing my name in the snow while I pee

What’s an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other?
an actual conviction on a serial murder charge. Acquittals are okay.

What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?
Dark Water. It was so fucking bad that I was horrified

You’re sentenced to death and it’s the morning of your execution, what do you want to eat?
the victim of my crime

What’s something that most people do that you’ve never done?
gone to a prom

Right before you die you where do you want to go to…?
the box office to ask for a refund. I didn’t like the ending

Something you’d really like to do but probably won’t ever be able to do?
fall in love with a man who loves me

A wild animal you’d like to have as a pet?
a bobcat

A drug you’ll never try?
do you mean ‘try again’? all of them

If you were an animal what would you be?
a red-tailed black cockatoo. They’re gorgeous and can live 100 years.

What’s something most people don’t know about you?
I can’t say or you’d either laugh or feel pity

Worst way to die?
in a car wreck on the way to pick up the check for my winning lottery ticket

Grossest injury you’ve ever seen?
an enormous abscess. thankfully not on myself.

The worst injury you’ve ever had?
car accident 1982: ruptured spleen, broken ribs, concussion. Now I’m a spleenless bastard.

What city in the U.S. do you want to visit?
Key Largo

What’s something you think would be sweet to know everything about?

What’s one phrase you absolutely detest?
“Thinking outside the box.” Wtf am I? A mime?

What makes an awesome party?
good friends

What’s your material obsession?
Cds and musical instruments

Favorite kind of dog?
a cat

Worst drunken habit?
I don’t remember. I was drunk.

Its Saturday at 3 a.m. where are you?
in bed. alone. as always.

Worst job you’ve ever had?
working for a veterinarian. Too depressing.

What’s something your friends make fun of you for?
my Brooklyn-ese

What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever done?
it was many years ago and although I made amends I still regret it. Also it’s not your business

Ever fallen out of love?

What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?
20 years. I was 21 and he was 41. Looking back the guy was probably a borderline pedophile. Ick.

Have you ever dated someone you met online?

Have you ever dated/fooled around with a coworker?

Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more?


Would you tell your parents if you’re gay?

Do you walk around the house naked?
hell yeah. It’s my house.

Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
I’m picky about everything

Why did your last relationship fail?
told the guy that I liked him. stupid stupid stupid. NEVER tell a guy that you like him. no wait. that was why my last relationship never actually became a relationship.

Are you afraid of commitment?
only if it’s involuntary

What’s your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
with the (small) wisdom of age I can unequivocally state that it’s depressing afterwards.

Are you a jealous person?

Does it get annoying when somebody says they’ll call you, but doesn’t?
of course.

If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in you, what would you do/say?
“Thank you for asking. Now piss off.” Not really. I’m terrible at saying no if I think it will hurt someone’s feelings.

What would you rather be doing right now?
anything that involved getting out of this goddamned house.

Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
used to be the opposite sex but as I mature I find women to be the best friends. Weird isn’t it.

Can others make you cry easily?
oh god yes. it doesn’t take much either.

Who was the last person to piss you off?
probably my daughter, but that is her job as my progeny

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
hell if I know anymore. What is this ‘sleep’ you speak of?

What personality trait is a must-have in the opposite sex?
sublimely dark humor

Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
nope. I’ve got a discreet tatt and want another as well, but people who are covered in ink don’t do it for me.

Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
yes. more stupidity in an existence rife with it.