The Staggering Gourmet

Oh I miss Graham Kerr.

So, all that weight I lost while recovering form the back surgery last year? Gained 30 back from the 40 lost.

Totally depressing. Was actually able to wear my cool-ass TRIPP skirts and Goth shirts. First time in five years.

Now…. Not happening. Am back to lying flat on the bed struggling to get that zipper up on my jeans. The fave bondage style jeans? Can get them on but… need a longer –looser- shirt to cover my belly. Just the chains and straps show. Not cool.

So back on to the Atkins I went. Yeah always gain weight afterwards. There is NO diet that works. If they did no one would be overweight.

Hey you on a diet… let that sink in. Eat less, exercise. The only answer,

Well, the depression has overtaken me since I asked my BF to move out in October, and the pain is unmanageable (more on being ‘granted’ Medicaid and losing EVERY decent doctor because of that, later) and of course the snow, ice, blahblah blah. Can only say yours truly leaves the house (i.e. bedroom because I can only afford to heat one room) once a week. Maybe.

So am back to being a fattie. To me at least. Actually med-wise as well. To the ‘charts; I should weigh a minimum of 140 at my Amazon height of 5’2″

Yeah I was the loser in school ‘fatso fatso two by four couldn’t get through the kitchen door’. Worse? I was a ‘brainiac’, straight A’s, last picked for anything in PE geek-o-rama: believed it my entire life and kept picking boyfriends who reinforced it. Look at those old photos now, days when I was in my 20’a and 30’s. Fucking hottie! Fucking dumbass!

Who knew. I didn’t. Broken picker. Surely whined about this previously which brings me to….

New and Improved Improved YoYo-Dyne Diet.

Follow the Easy Street To Weight Loss (Assuming you’ve given up the bulimia in your 20’s and 30’s –want it baaaaack)- and are not anorexic (see dictionary: my sister).

  1. No bread.  note: Do NOT kill yourself yet. You’ll want that death wish later
  2. No taters, cottage cheese, cream cheese, pasta, or..well anything but meat.
  3. Yes this is ASS. All the butter and fabulous fresh pressed olive oil you can eat. Without bread or potatoes or pasta.
  4. Veggies. Not all. Broccoli and Spinach are good. No carrots. No green beans. Certainly no corn or beans! Pretty sure the gas situation is what helps. Who the hell wants to be anywhere near you?
  5. You can already tell your budget is broken by now. But hey! You will lose weight.
  6. So you want a cocktail? Who doesn’t? Thanks to extensive research by John Bigbootie (no longer with YoYo-Dyne due to –REDACTED–) we have discovered that Gin is the lowest in carbs of any adult beverage.

Based upon this discovery we recommend a Gin and DIET tonic for the occasional cocktail. Sorry, if you’re a drunk you’re pretty much fucked. And fat. No not overweight. Fucking fat. Have you SEEN the Midwest or Reno? Pretty sure Mumu’s are sold by the gross here and everyplace else in the West, Exception being San Francisco and LA. Well, you kids back east have the entire South to deal with, so it works out.

  1. Okay cocktails covered but how to combine them and STILL lose weight?! This is where YoYo-Dyne comes in. Lemme ‘splain….

Tonight’s meal: sautéed mushrooms (yes from a fucking can but you CAN make them tasty with caramelizing onions, seasoning, etc), green onions –almost gone but cut those fuckers down, wash em and cut em. Chop fresh garlic (cheap!) in a pan. Add garlic infused (not flavored) oil and REAL butter. Set aside. Oh, hope you added the (cheap-ass) white wine.

Dredge beaten-to-a-pulp skinless boneless Chicken breasts in an egg and a small amount of flour. (Yeah fuck the dead Dr. Atkins on the flour situation). Cook said chicken until just about done. Add the nommy shrooms, onion and garlic. Stir. Hope you added the dammed white wine. Serve. With remaining glass of hideous white wine. You won’t mind because you’re fucking sick of gin.

  1. Oh dear god what a great meal. With leftovers if you use two chickie breasts. Works great when you can’t afford fresh veggies (fucking 1%ers!) and best when you buy the chicken breasts in a bag from Wal-Mart or Winco.
  2. Ta Da! You have used the wine in the chicken, veggies AND your glass. Sure you’ve shot the Atkins level of carbs but you WILL lose weight.
  3. Final note: Do not ever EVER go on a date to a steak house with baked potatoes, fresh cheese bread and appetizers on the menu. Which I did last night. Praying for death now.
  4. Repeat Step One and Pray for Death

All My Nerdy Love,

Voluptuous in Reno

 

Of Funerals, Fireplaces and Fuckers

Been a busy week here at Castille du Blaque.

A funeral but no weddings, sushi twice, the ever present feeling that I’m being poisoned by the fireplace and of course Lizzie Borden (the poker-playing-cheating Persian) horking up the annual winter hairballs at a record pace.

Built a fire this morning at 9:30 (in the fireplace, not the cross on my ex-husband’s lawn. This time.) and it’s up to a sweltering 61F at 5:13 pm.

Damn this castle is old, drafty and cold. The servant’s day off too.  It snowed as well.

Okay it’s a 1921 duplex but it’s my castle. And I’m the only servant…ummm it quit snowing by 10:30 am. in reality.
Still. THE HORROR.

Funeral was for my boyfriend’s mom. Sad, but she’s been very sick for several years.
On the good side my boyfriend took it well. Also fabulous: No fire extinguishers were harmed when yours truly set foot in the church.

Mentioned before that Juanita was a wonderful sweet woman and I’m sure she knew it was time. Am also glad because her husband was abusive to her. At Christmas I saw that bastard pour an entire ashtray full of old butts and trash into her lap. At the time she could not walk by herself, was virtually immobile, and could barely talk.

Offered to help her up and clean off her nightgown. She looked serene and told me it was alright.
Sorry ~P (my boyfriend) but your dad is a world class cocksucking bastard.

Moving along.

Nothing to report besides that Dr. Atkins was blown off for almost a week. And I’ve blown up.  Back on the Taste-less Diet of the Damned today.

May your evening be pleasant, your family healthy, your food tasty and your hairballs land on the linoleum and not the carpet.

~Miss R