Atkins for Alkies -Or- How To Lose 10 Pounds in Under a Month

Lose Weight The YoYodyne Way!

Welcome chubbies, chubbettes, fatties, drunkards and of course my family which is monitoring my every move. Wait. That’s the government.

Gimme a chance to adjust the tinfoil. Okay we’re good now. So Chubby. Let’s talk.

Don’t want to give up wine or gin totally? Can no longer ski or exercise as much due to a physical disability? I have great news for you!

Make a few adjustments and TA DA!  Lose 10 pounds in less than a month. We will pay you to lose weight! No. Not really.

Here’s how you do it!

1.      No fucking exercises –unless your Physical Terrorist prescribes it for your back. Trust me it burns zero calories

2.      Eat ONLY meats (red meat, chicken, fish, pork) and green veggies. -shudder-

3.      4 oz of cheese max a day (as much of the Kraft Parmesan for seasoning as you want though)

4.      Eat as MUCH as you can stand. I fucking hate celery but am eating it with cream cheese.

5.      DRINK a half gallon of wine or gin every 3 days or whenever the diet starts to really piss you off

6.      No sugar, bread, popcorn, wheat, potatoes, etc

7.      Okay if you can exercise then go for it. I miss the long walks

I do not recommend this diet for everyone. Hell, if you need to lose 5 or 10 pounds you’re just freaking vain.

If you need to lose 30+ pounds though it works pretty dammed well. No paying for ‘pre-planned meals’, no hours at the gym picking up e-coli from the Stairmaster. Best of all… you can have a damned cocktail every so often.

It’s the ‘Induction’ portion of the Atkins diet but with Tasty Beverages added.  And it works as well as the original!

If you were one of the cool kids who called me fatso, kicked me out of softball and the sandbox then stop reading right now. Piss off. If I could hire you to clean the San Francisco Greyhound Bus Station Women’s Room with your toothbrush I would. Damned economy prevents me from fulfilling many wishes.

Anyway, I have tried every diet known to mankind:

Weight Watchers at age 11: middle aged women pointing out every square in the quilt they’d knitted to denote a pound lost. Uhhhh. was already listening to Diamond Dogs by Bowie. Freaking knitted afghans?

Jenny Craig in my 30’s: Great deal! Nice people, a few walks around the block a day, kind help every day of the week. Cool! Until they told me the cost of their ‘special food.’

Mushroom Diet: Remember that gross thing with fungus in a Tupperware and you were supposed to drink the juice from this crap? Ugh. Early 90’s hell.

In my mid 20’s and early 30’s I also had a fine cocaine diet (er, habit) while living in NYC.  Kept the weight off. Also had a CLEAN damned house. Hey it was the 80’s, it was the law back then.

Then I got married (ex-husband Number One), had a daughter, sat at a desk all day…. to once again find myself a  fatty.

Let’s face it. If any diet actually worked then NO ONE would be fat.

So try the YoYo-Dyne Way! Eat and Drink your way to American Apparel and stop spending all of your cash over at Omar The Tent Maker.

Bon appetite!

~Miss R

warning: YoYo-Dyne is not responsible for loss of appetite, heart palpitations, random sex with strangers, bitchiness, erections lasting more than 4 hours or acts of god.