Murder! Mayhem! Sex! Free Beer!

I am so full of crap. Great headline though eh?
This is my “I am Bored and All Alone in Reno Birthday Survey”.

Please do steal and re-work it for your own glee and amusement.
I did.

you need a bat to the side of your head

Tired of all of those surveys made up by dumb and/or degenerate
high school kids?

How about one made up by a dumb and/or degenerate adult?

50 questions for the people who are a tad older

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Car insurance. Those blood suckers

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Um….. it’s been months and months. Probably TK’s house.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
Who says I’m not a virgin? Sheesh. Lies and whispers I tell ‘ya.

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
Marrying Lucky Ex-husband Number Two. That dickhead.
Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Abraham Lincoln

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sitting on a beach in the sun reading a book while simultaneously being felt up by a hot erotic man. Oh yeah, since this is fantasy I’m drinking a glass of champagne as well.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A pathologist or a movie star

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Two; graduated from the second. could n longer afford the first.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
What shirt?

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
Oh they’re too low. I must pay more.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
Somewhere warm with the ocean nearby… South America maybe

I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Thank god that was a dream –shudder-. Nightmares are my life.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
It’s cold in here and who stole my life?

14. Favorite underwear?
none

15. Favorite thing about the opposite sex?
eyes

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
cleaning up after other people i.e. my kid

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Sure. For CIA pharmacological experiments.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Well that depends if I actually sleep at all

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
George Bush

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy /girl?
That is potentially the stupidest question I’ve ever come across. Pardon the terminology.

21. Have you found real love yet?
I did but of course I’m an idiot romantic

22. When did you first start feeling old?
In the early 90’s when I realized that my vinyl collection far outnumbered my CD collection

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Unbaptized small child. Medium rare.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
An empty wallet

26. Beach or lake?
Beach.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No. I just have a steep learning curve

28. Do you own property?
Technically my daughter is chattel and not property

29. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
Oh yeah I’m gonna post that.

31. What’s your drink?
Club Soda and Bitters. Shaken not stirred.
32. Cowboys or Indians?
Huh? What happened to ‘grown-up survey?’

33. Cops or Robbers?
I always played the Serial Killer. Strangely there is no one around to confirm this

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
Hank Stratton. He was my best friend, which brings me to a favorite joke:
Why did god invent fat girls? So little gay boys would have friends.

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
KRZQ or NPR. Don’t remember.

36. Norm or Cliff?
Norm. Cliff was not amusing just dumb. The same reason I’ve always detested I Love Lucy.

37. Grey’s or The Office?
Neither. Dexter or 60 Seconds to Disaster

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
That should read mistakes plural, this is not an essay and I am not Dostoevsky

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
You mean the cat?

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Dead? Dorothy Parker. Living? Harlan Ellison.

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
For what –raises eyebrows- ?

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
In 1982. Into a tree off of Laguna Canyon Highway. Driving my ’76 Camero. At 50+ MPH. Good times.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Well it wasn’t really me, it was the driver in car in front of me. On the 91 freeway in the middle of the desert coming back from Palm Springs. Seems the engine was on fire. Damned disposal Hyundai

44. Last book you read?
The Lost by Daniel Mendelsohn. An account of the author’s search for family members who were killed by the Nazis in Poland. It’s funny, sad, intriguing and suspenseful.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
Hell no.

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
The front yard. I don’t think that this is so strange though.

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
Camping along the Russian River

48. Do you go to church?
What is this ‘church’ you speak of?

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Funny you should mention that as I have neither

50. How old are you?
19 or 39. I can’t remember…..Steely Dan or Jack Benny

Currently listening:
Small World Big Band
By: Jools Holland & His Rhythm & Blues Orchestra
Release date: 18 December, 2001

-NOTE- This was originally posted in 2007, and answers reflect that time in our/my glorious history. In particular I was 12 years sober, still had retirement accounts, and had not yet sprouted a gray hair; the Demon Seed was not yet into the full tilt boogie evil teen mode. Seems as though nothing else has changed.
Thanks to Max for re-posting this and reminding me. See her answers to my eccentric survey at the previous link.

Oh. my birthday is  actually November 12. Gift registry available at any Dollar Store near you.

Craigslist? Oh dear god

So here’s the problem.

Once again I find myself sans boyfriend or dates. Okay, it’s not as if this hasn’t been a given in the last few years but it’s really getting to me now. Hell if I know why.

I’ve  given the heave-ho to the  few of the boy-toy/dinner dates over the past year or so. What’s the point? 

There was no future in any of them. Hell there was no present. Try discussing Mahler, Hawking or Bukowski  with a snow-boarding-hey-dude guy who’s idea of art is the new label cover on a bottle of $10.00 wine.

At least they looked good.  Of course so do I. With the lights off or my corset cinched tightly, then the lights dimmed.

So let’s say, just for a left-field example, that you were a late forty-something, eccentric, neurotic, darkly witty, moderately talented, exceptionally brilliant woman? Carrying around 20 pounds extra on her frame.  Oh, and you don’t like meeting guys in bars, your weekly outing consists of wrapping yourself up in a parka and a pair of skis to hit the slopes, or going to freaking Costco?

The roomie says ‘Oh Rach guys still hit on you.’ Yes they do! They’re

a)Drunk

b)on day pass from the Helen Keller Institute

c)Northern Nevada Mental Health and Retard Services clients

Here’s the bottom line: I’m about ready to try…. Craigslist.

Don’t say it. I know. I’ve tried it before. Hell, it’s more than a crap shoot. It’s more like Russian roulette. With a fixed table.  And misshapen balls. But those are more balls than I’ve seen in a helluva long time.

Jimmy the Greek wouldn’t front me $5.00. That was before he was dead.

People my age are married, or divorced and married again. And divorced. Wait. So was I. Forget that. The point is that it’s a bitch to find so much as a date, nevermind a steady relationship. I can go out to a bar tonight and get laid but fuck that, pardon the pun. I’m getting too old for that crap. Not the fucking, the one night stands. Hell, I’m tired of being alone. Two of my marriages sucked but hopefully I’ve learned something. If not, at least I can check out those balls.

~R

My W4M CL post

I pulled the aforementioned post from Craigslist since there were actually more than 75 responses within 15 hours and as per usual, most of them were ‘dick pics.’ It does no longer exist there so you’ll never know what I wrote.

You’re better off that way anyway.

Fooled ya. Kept the original

————————————

Are you a Musician?

Stay the hell away.
This goes especially for woodwind players, brass players, percussionists, string players and pianists.

Educated strangely attractive darkly humorous and peculiarly deranged SWF 45 seeks someone to laugh with while cruising cemeteries and guessing how the corpses met their demise.

Please send list of your ten favorite books.

I don’t really give a damn but want to know if there’s anything worth keeping when you leave me.
your grave stone

Okay Gimme the Bad News First

November 28, 2006

Reno, NV. (www.damnedgames.com) In regional news we have the following update from our special correspondent Miss Anne Throp, who passed along the following information regarding the day

The Bad News:  Today the doc said no sex for yet another  two weeks.
The Good News: I’m not dating anyone.

The Bad News:   The snowfall this week has been pathetic
The Good News:  Mt. Rose is opening on Thursday anyway and the Green runs are probably all I should handle to start. I’m not saying that if a miracle occurs and the Zephyr lift also opens….

Other tertiary items of note:

The author kept her cool during the daily phone conversation with her mother instead of reaching through the phone lines and clubbing mom over the head with the receiver. Said maternal figure suggested that:

  Continue reading

Kiss That Frog

Rachael’s Guide To Cold Weather Romance

If you’re a regular reader (do NOT make me go to the irregular joke) you know my amazing and stellar history with men.

I hear you all say
“Rachael how do you do it? You’re a dude magnet!”
Oh sure most of those dudes are sociopaths or latent creeps,
but I still manage to confound my girlfriends.

I have more offers for dates than a Moroccan grocery store.
Okay not really.

Continue reading