Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy Winner of the Week!

A Big Hello to our friends and axe wielding Viewers!

Live from our underground  bunker in an undisclosed neighborhood of Fabulous Reno Nevada, your update on the most highly rated contest now available in any media!

 The Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy Contest

Unpaid Spokesperson in no way represents Rachael’s actual image

• Survivor?  For lazy slobs with giant televisions and no job
• Big Brother? Could not watch an entire episode. It’s that cretinous
• Jersey Shore? Never seen it but I hear it involves a goodly amount of tanning lotion and buttsx. Time is better spent working on my newest piece of Artwork: Filth Encrusted Used Chewing Gum and Unidentifiable Icky Things On Sneakers.

It’s Interactive too
Not Interactive in the sense of the above listed contests. You know, Vote For Your Favorite by texting IAMABOOB to Sprint at the low low cost of $3.00 per vote. *
*no longer available in Washington D.C. due to overload of communications services during episode airtime.  Re-runs currently crash the Sprint network

Turn your Internet dial to YoYo-Dyne for the newest and best of contests. Guaranteed to benefit you and your karma, but more importantly, it benefits me.

Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy!

This week’s winner is Peter M. and The Wombies! Direct from the Great White North and Wombania come Wine Gums, a treat unknown to we in the lower 48. Just in time for Wombat Day! Get out your chocolate, wine gums, pancake batter and milkshakes on October 22nd. Meet Victor and Victoria, my adopted Wombies. FREE balloons for the kids!

You know they’re Canadian. The UPS delivery guy tumbled down the concrete steps outside repeatedly shouting Thank You Sir May I Have Another after handing over the delightful package.

Last week’s winner is Gina C from The OC! What can I say but… A full fucking pound of See’s Candy. My favorite assortment. Too bad for you folks East of the Mississippi, it’s Fanny Farmer for you.

The Beaver Babe (Gina C), Piano Wench (I AM that Wench) and Pope Dirty Bastard.

Don Pardo, tell them what they’ve won!

Well Rachael, our two top contestants win this Fabulous Lazy-E Boy complete living room set! Sorry, not available to residents of Canada or California .Shipping not included.

Also, potential fame and fortune for appearing as featured guests on the Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy Contest!

Last, a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat! Sent to our winners in six unwieldy enormous wooden crates. Sorry winners, shipping not included.

Rachael here with thanks to Peter and the Wombies, Gina C and all of you who have sent your good wishes and positive thoughts.

We’ll end tonight’s festivities with an interpretive dance created by me, for you.

I call it ‘The Zombie Pirate Walker Boogie!’

Thanks again and we’ll see you next week for another tingling and suspense filled episode of The Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy Contest!

~Miss R

-bettie page photo courtesy of burymeinthisdress.com-

Why You No Call? The Children Miss You. I wanna slap you upside the head.

Said no one to me ever. I DO wanna slap you upside the head. You being the Royal You. Similar to the Royal We but spelled Oui. Now it time for a kick ass make-up of days offline. Laissez les bons temps rouler!
Note to Le Clown: This is New Orleans (Cajun) French so don’t be going and gagging at it. I beg your magnificent forgiveness for great times and awful grammar. Speaking only English, Russian and German (which is handy) just recognizing French is fab for moi. Another story for another day.

Changed my wireless/router name to ‘Stephen Hawking Is Locked In My Basement.’ I have no life.
Neither does Stephen….
I DO know how to party. Even without the booze I scare small children. My own is damaged for life. But she looks Mahhhhhvalous.
Please, won’t you help a starving disturbed family? Please send all of your cash to…. me. Information located at page bottom.

Have been so busy with work parties and the Demon Seed’s visit that there are 705 Unopened emails in my inbox. I see a mass delete coming.

Burning Man tickets came in the mail for both myself and my daughter.

Many of you know what happened to my lovely girl demon seed last year. She is coming on back anyway. My sweetie told me ‘Mom, I am NOT going to let some deranged freak ruin what is one of the best weeks I’ve ever had.’ That’s my doll. Saw her last week.
Was supposed to visit her in San Francisco this week. Damned money, or rather lack of, is ass.

We’ve all (Spanky’s Wine Bar and Village) started the yearly mass work-parties up in the Nevada desert to do maintenance, rebuild and build new big kid toys for the camp. Think carnival rides for pervs AND kids. No really, THINK about it.
We have the Teeter Totter of Death, centrifuge (the merry-go-round you push and pull to get spinning) Chairway to Heaven, and two new rides this year.
Having the Orgasmatron for the 15th year on the playa is just icing. We’re not called Spanky’s based on the Little Rascals films.

Here’s a video of our Spank-O-Matic

Okay, just wanted to check in. Miss all of you, all of your writing, all of your smiles. I need ’em. Giving them out for free too.

Rock On Kids. Off to 4th of Juplaya in another week. Hidden Hot Springs on the playa, 1500 people instead of the 60,000 at Burning Man. Firearms, Frogbat… I’ll take a few pics. Spanky’s is making an official presence this year.
No one is in charge of this thing so no one is ever arrested. How cool is that?

Fuck I love summer.

Nerve Blocks and Other Fun Shit

Home from another visit to Dr Mengele. Note: not his real name.

His specialty is pain management which makes the mind wander to ‘why does every patient exiting the procedure suites appear worse than when they left the waiting room?’

Although I stayed at a Holiday Inn Suites six years ago I am not a doctor. Who am I to question such things?

Laying prone on the surgical table, panties pulled down, in a quite ignoble way,  to reveal my lower back and top of  a lily-white flat Irish-Hebraic ass he commenced sticking six shots of white hot Lidocaine into my lower back. To numb it.  What the fuck indeed.

Thankfully heeded mom’s advice and wore a pair of ‘wares with no holes or fading.

After said joy, the real fun commenced with the really long fucking scary needle. To probe the nerves. Playfully called a Paraspinal Facet Joint and Nerve Root Injection Block Test. When the real block is done the same procedure will be performed, but with IV sedation and the nerves will actually be burned off with a laser.

Damn, get to the point.
Okay, so I’m stretched out mumbling obscenities between gasps of pain and Mengele says ‘Hmmm seems as though you have a lot of pain up near where the scoliosis is prominent.’

‘Oh you must  have gotten the films back from the neurosurgeon’ I said.  He replied “No, look at the monitor’. So I did. Wow.

Doc says ‘Yeah, quite a spine curvature there.’
In a totally straight voice I stated…….‘What hump?’

He laughed so hard that the entire operation had to be halted for a minute.

Best fucking grin I’ve had in a week.

Be Well,

~Miss R

Girlfriend in a Comma

There’s a difference between grammar idiocy and drunken typerism.

Learn it. Know it. Live it.

Have You Seen This Cat?

A Pictorial Guide to Why I Live For Burning Man. NSFW

Yes, there IS a wine named after yours truly

So I was lucky enough to be gifted a ticket this year. It’s a testament to being kind to others, always be there to help anyone who needs it, friend or stranger, and follow the Ten Principles. Thank god nothing like the 12 Steps.

Here are a few of my fave shots from the past 8 years.

Critical Tits

Only a small part of the experience. The rest can only be described as Disneyland for Adults. Clean and Sober or X and Other. Eat your heart out El Guapo heh. Left my naked bar dances out.

Bliss Dance: Best most beautiful, musical and lovely piece on the playa last year

Ah, forgot the PS on this one. Just finished being the ‘demo’ for our Japanese Rope Bondage Class

Burning Band Buds: Moi, David  Silverton of Tubatron fame (also an exec producer for The Simpsons for 20 years) and Birdsong from the New Orleans Jazz band Pair ‘o Dice.

Ancient Solemn Atheist Rain Dance

The Man burns on Saturday night. It can be seen from space and arrangements are made each year with the NSA to indicate this

You Can’t Make This Up: Episode 68

Take note of the station that put this on the air… and didn’t notice

~Miss R

I’m Famous. Thank you Bearman!

Bearman mugged me… with the comment ‘Be careful what you wear in your profile pictures’.

Utterly fabulous cartoon!! He even got the purple  streaks in my hair, Burning Band cap and the San Fransisco sunglasses. Not to mention bosom hahahaha

Life is a Series of Rooms

And who we get stuck in those rooms with make up our lives. One room at a time. One minute at a time.

One day at at a time says Bill W. Oh and I had a 12 year personal relationship with Bill. Thinking of healing our relationship and talking again. Couldn’t hurt. Might help. We’ve been out of touch for a while. Life has become peculiar, but not due to the fissure with Bill. Life is…-insert favorite platitude here-. May put up a poll soon on this subject. Have to say El Guapo’s polls can’t be beat though!

Listening to Damien Rice. If you don’t know who he is go out. Listen. You’ll be hooked and caught like a child in a world of wonderful but frightening magic.

Have to thank El Guapo for reminding me to mention the music that plays as I write. He does it with every blog. If you’ve any wasted time to go back to, oh  2006 through 2008 or 2009, you’ll see the same thing was always mentioned at the end of all the YoYo-Dydne posts. Not sure when I stopped. Thanks EG.

This blog is a  Chex Mix (TM in case of sue-age) theme.

So I’m going to choose Door Number One  and go with Carol Merril:  Music!

The ONLY reason to use auto-tune would be the following video. Let’s face it: if you need auto-tune to make your own recording… you suck.

Oh, my quiet honesty. So lovely and sweet. And no room at the Inn…

Enjoy:

~Miss R

I’m STILL The Goddamned Batman!

And with that meme I can only say…

Holy Shit Batman! There are over 269 272 UNOPENED emails still in the inbox. Not counting the ones already opened and unanswered.

What happened to sloth at the holidays? Over-eating to the point of being unable to fit that laptop on your lap?

Oh faithful readers and fabulous writers…. I need time. Just for a few days.

Your intrepid crime fighter had a  molar tooth pulled two days before Christmas, and all things being equal in Gotham City USA -has no dental insurance. It’s true: the Caped Crusader could not afford a root canal, crown and/or bridge and now looks like a crack whore.

ALFRED!!! Where is that ibuprofen you eeeeediot? What? I’ve used the entire 900 pill container? Well fuck it. Where’s that champagne I’ve been saving for New Year’s Eve?  Oh, there’s an ice bucket in the Batmobile.

So my friends, have patience. Replies, avid reading, and potential body detox treatments to follow.

~Toofleth in Weno

aka Mith Arrrr

SECRETS REVEALED: The Truth behind Santa and Hanukkah Harry

First, little miss heart-as-black-as-onyx-cold-as-ice (No Styx references or I will find you and kill you) broke down and bought a Christmas turkey today. It’s only me this year (Half-A-Hebe aka my daughter, won’t be here until New Years) so that’s pretty retarded.

Note to Mensa: membership card in the mail

Also picked up cranberries from the produce section, extra butter, Mrs.Cubbisons bread cubes for stuffing, mushrooms, etc. Naturally when checking out of the store I realized the goddamned turkey was FRESH not frozen.

Good thing Hanukkah Harry comes on the 21st… Sorry Santa: no soup for you.

On the bright side I can drink champagne this Christmas Eve and not worry about the hideous Christmas morning hangover which normally throws me into heaves while slicing onions and gutting a large bird at 7:00 am Christmas morning.

I said Christmas turkey as opposed to holiday turkey. Sure, it’s not like we ate ham at Grandma Anna’s at Hanukkah, but still the turkey is considered a noble Christmas tradition.  Honestly I don’t care if you wish me Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Crazy Kwanzaa, Cool Yule or a Festive Festivus (you wouldn’t BELIEVE how great my stripper pole looks with the tinsel). It’s the time of year when we wish for magic and snow. Or in my case, growing up in Los Angeles, rain.

Seriously. Kids actually pray for RAIN on Christmas in SoCal. It’s actual weather.

Lucky Ex-Husband Number One is from Brooklyn. He couldn’t figure out how the hell kids could believe in Santa’s sleigh when there wasn’t any snow. Ever.

Of course he is Jewish, and I explained to him that keeping an oil lamp going for 8 days and nights in the middle of a barren desert pretty much fell into the same category.

Okay back to the topic: So you wanna kill your in-laws this happy holiday season!

No. That’s next week’s post.

 It’s ….Santa and Hanukkah Harry!

I got good news and bad news.

Hanukkah Harry DOES exist, as does Santa. True.

Santa brings a plethora (which is slightly more than a buttload) of gifts on one night. My friend Liqourstore Bear thinks that Santa isn’t real, but has his doubts. After all, how could our parents –constantly whining about upside-down mortgages, collection calls and no you can’t have that cereal it’s $4.99 a box- possibly provide gifts, wrapping paper, and batteries not to mention keep all of those goodies hidden from us?

As always the doubts stem from some jerk-ass kid at school whose parents are Jehovah Witness and don’t even celebrate the poor little bastard’s birthday, nevermind Christmas.

However, you will note that the stockings ARE stuffed by the chimney with care on Christmas morning.

As for Hanukkah yes we receive eight crazy nights of gifts. The problem is that we get the same shit that the Christian kids do. One night is socks, one underwear, etc, etc and hopefully on the final night you get what you REALLY wanted.

Don’t forget that one night you get gelt (the little chocolate coins) to use with your dreidal. No coincidence that gelt (for you goyim it’s Yiddish for money) sounds so much like guilt.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

So, the bottom line is this: kids get gifts at the holidays. It’s the HOLIDAY LAW. Doesn’t matter how broke your parents or grandparents (thanks for the socks grandma) are.

Logic follows (however non-linear) that Santa and Hanukkah Harry DO exist.

All you have to do is Believe…. And always use MasterCard.

~Miss R

p.s. Mom actually purchased the holiday meal. She doesn’t know yet. I have no money nor matchsticks to sell. And yes, I did use her Mastercard.

 

YoYo-Dyne Loves Physics and Music

This is fabulous. Not just because it has to do with physics, quantum ideas and some of the best scientists on the planet, but you can dance to it.

GAH,  already wrote this blog and was cut off by a power outage. That is the real reason. Not going to re-write the brilliance which was the fist post. So here’s the juice of it.

I can only say that Science Symphony rocks and this is the most recent tune  they have drawn my brain into.

Enjoy.

WARNING: IF you watch a shitload of TV and/or collect baseball cards just move along…

Must Be Something in the Air

that made me post this…

Miss R’s actual gateway drug is a Double Espresso. Or whatever you’re buying

Atkins for Alkies -Or- How To Lose 10 Pounds in Under a Month

Lose Weight The YoYodyne Way!

Welcome chubbies, chubbettes, fatties, drunkards and of course my family which is monitoring my every move. Wait. That’s the government.

Gimme a chance to adjust the tinfoil. Okay we’re good now. So Chubby. Let’s talk.

Don’t want to give up wine or gin totally? Can no longer ski or exercise as much due to a physical disability? I have great news for you!

Make a few adjustments and TA DA!  Lose 10 pounds in less than a month. We will pay you to lose weight! No. Not really.

Here’s how you do it!

1.      No fucking exercises –unless your Physical Terrorist prescribes it for your back. Trust me it burns zero calories

2.      Eat ONLY meats (red meat, chicken, fish, pork) and green veggies. -shudder-

3.      4 oz of cheese max a day (as much of the Kraft Parmesan for seasoning as you want though)

4.      Eat as MUCH as you can stand. I fucking hate celery but am eating it with cream cheese.

5.      DRINK a half gallon of wine or gin every 3 days or whenever the diet starts to really piss you off

6.      No sugar, bread, popcorn, wheat, potatoes, etc

7.      Okay if you can exercise then go for it. I miss the long walks

I do not recommend this diet for everyone. Hell, if you need to lose 5 or 10 pounds you’re just freaking vain.

If you need to lose 30+ pounds though it works pretty dammed well. No paying for ‘pre-planned meals’, no hours at the gym picking up e-coli from the Stairmaster. Best of all… you can have a damned cocktail every so often.

It’s the ‘Induction’ portion of the Atkins diet but with Tasty Beverages added.  And it works as well as the original!

If you were one of the cool kids who called me fatso, kicked me out of softball and the sandbox then stop reading right now. Piss off. If I could hire you to clean the San Francisco Greyhound Bus Station Women’s Room with your toothbrush I would. Damned economy prevents me from fulfilling many wishes.

Anyway, I have tried every diet known to mankind:

Weight Watchers at age 11: middle aged women pointing out every square in the quilt they’d knitted to denote a pound lost. Uhhhh. was already listening to Diamond Dogs by Bowie. Freaking knitted afghans?

Jenny Craig in my 30’s: Great deal! Nice people, a few walks around the block a day, kind help every day of the week. Cool! Until they told me the cost of their ‘special food.’

Mushroom Diet: Remember that gross thing with fungus in a Tupperware and you were supposed to drink the juice from this crap? Ugh. Early 90’s hell.

In my mid 20’s and early 30’s I also had a fine cocaine diet (er, habit) while living in NYC.  Kept the weight off. Also had a CLEAN damned house. Hey it was the 80’s, it was the law back then.

Then I got married (ex-husband Number One), had a daughter, sat at a desk all day…. to once again find myself a  fatty.

Let’s face it. If any diet actually worked then NO ONE would be fat.

So try the YoYo-Dyne Way! Eat and Drink your way to American Apparel and stop spending all of your cash over at Omar The Tent Maker.

Bon appetite!

~Miss R

warning: YoYo-Dyne is not responsible for loss of appetite, heart palpitations, random sex with strangers, bitchiness, erections lasting more than 4 hours or acts of god.

Murder. Mayhem. Sex. Free Beer.

I am so full of crap. Great headline though eh?
This is my “I am Bored and All Alone in Reno Birthday Survey”.

Please do steal and re-work it for your own gleeand amusement.
I did.

Tired of all of those surveys made up by dumb and/or degenerate
high school kids?
How about one made up by a dumb and/or degenerate adult?

50 questions for the people who are a tad older

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Car insurance. Those blood suckers

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Um….. it’s been months and months. Probably TK’s house.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
Who says I’m not a virgin? Sheesh. Lies and whispers I tell ‘ya.

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
Marrying Lucky Ex-husband Number Two. That dickhead.
Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Abraham Lincoln

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sitting on a beach in the sun reading a book while simultaneously being felt up by a hot erotic man. Oh yeah, since this is fantasy I’m drinking a glass of champagne as well.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A  pathologist or a movie star

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Two; graduated from the second. could n longer afford the first.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
What shirt?

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
Oh they’re too low. I must pay more.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
Somewhere warm with the ocean nearby… South America maybe

I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Thank god that was a dream –shudder-. Nightmares are my life.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
It’s cold in here and who stole my life?

14. Favorite underwear?
none

15. Favorite thing about the opposite sex?
eyes

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
cleaning up after other people i.e. my kid

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Sure. For CIA pharmacological experiments.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Well that depends if I actually sleep at all

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
George Bush

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy /girl?
That is potentially the stupidest question I’ve ever come across. Pardon the terminology.

21. Have you found real love yet?
I did but of course I’m an idiot romantic

22. When did you first start feeling old?
In the early 90’s when I realized that my vinyl collection far outnumbered my CD collection

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Unbaptized small child. Medium rare.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
An empty wallet

26. Beach or lake?
Beach.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No. I just have a steep learning curve

28. Do you own property?
 Technically my daughter is chattel and not property

29. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
Oh yeah I’m gonna post that.

31. What’s your drink?
Club Soda and Bitters. Shaken not stirred.
32. Cowboys or Indians?
Huh? What happened to ‘grown-up survey?’

33. Cops or Robbers?
I always played the Serial Killer

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
Hank Stratton. He was my best friend, which brings me to a favorite joke:
Why did god invent fat girls? So little gay boys would have friends.

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
KRZQ or NPR. Don’t remember.

36. Norm or Cliff?
Norm. Cliff was not amusing just dumb. The same reason I’ve always detested I Love Lucy.

37. Grey’s or The Office?
Neither. Dexter or 60 Seconds to Disaster

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
That should read mistakes plural, this is not an essay and I am not Dostoevsky

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
You mean the cat?

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Now Dead? Dorothy Parker. Still Living? Harlan Ellison.

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
For what –raises eyebrows- ?

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
In 1982. Into a tree off of Laguna Canyon Highway. At 50+ MPH. Good times.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Well it wasn’t really me, it was the driver in car in front of me. On the 91 freeway in the middle of the desert coming back from Palm Springs. Seems the engine was on fire. Damned disposal Hyundai (this was in the early 90’s)

44. Last book you read?
The Lost by Daniel Mendelsohn. An account of the author’s search for family members who were killed by the Nazis in Poland. It’s funny, sad, intriguing and suspenseful.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
Hell no.

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
The front yard. I don’t think that this is so strange though.

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
Camping along the Russian River

48. Do you go to church?
What is this ‘church’ you speak of?

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Funny you should mention that as I have neither

50. How old are you?
19 or 39. I can’t remember. i.e. Steely Dan or Jack Benny

Currently listening:
Small World Big Band
By: Jools Holland & His Rhythm & Blues Orchestra
Release date: 18 December, 2001

 

-NOTE- This was originally posted in 2007, and answers reflect that time in our/my glorious history. In particular I was 12 years sober, still had retirement accounts, and had not yet  sprouted a gray hair; the Demon Seed was not yet into the full tilt boogie evil teen mode.