Hire me or adopt me or kill me

It’s November 1st.
“So what?” I hear you say.
Well, November is a strange month for Miss R.
The obsession with Christmas and the holidays will begin.
The weather may or may not turn conducive to skiing.
Finding last year’s winter wardrobe is a challenge.
Finding out if last year’s wardrobe still fits is always paralyzing.
Of course about everyone in my family has a birthday coming up in the next month as well.
In the next 4 days alone there are three of them.
Matter of fact I’m flying down to Laguna on Saturday morning to celebrate my dad’s 75th and my niece’s 19th.
In less than two weeks I’ll be another year older as well. Jesus.
This isn’t the reason that November 1st agitates and frightens me though. Not this year.

Today marks the first time in more than 20 years that I do not have the rent or mortgage payment on time. Hell, I don’t have any of it and the chances of coming across almost $700.00 in the next 24 hours are pretty bleak.
Halloween wasn’t the only scary thing this week.

Now that it comes down to the bottom line I don’t really want to leave Reno.
Dammit.
Yes Idyllwild is where my daughter is and I miss her. Many old friends and acquaintances are in Idyllwild.
My dad’s getting older and he’s in Idyllwild.
Idyllwild itself is gorgeous and serene.
It’s just that…. I don’t wanna go.

Sure it’s better moving to the same town as my father as opposed to my mother. I can probably get a job quite simply in Idyllwild; I know way too many people there. Moving to Placerville instead entails far more difficulty in finding employment.
If I can’t find a viable job in Reno there’s sure as hell not going to be one in Placerville or Pollock Pines.

Reasons to Go:

1. Have my daughter back home with me. Her grades are back up to A’s and B’s and the goth make-up seems to be a thing of the past as well. She’ll still be an obnoxious ungrateful teen who buys her clothes at Hot Topic but I can live with that.

2. Be closer to my Dad. He’s looking and acting older each time I see him. It freaks me out.

3. My alcoholic friends.

4. The solitude and beauty of daily walks on forest trails. The breathtaking sight of the pines and mountains covered in winter snow.

5. It’s cheaper to live in Idyllwild and there are no ‘transitional’ or iffy neighborhoods. It’s in the middle of National Forest for godssake.

6. Potential employment opportunities at the private Arts High School or for a local business (i.e. old friend).

7. I can’t find a damned job in Reno. Over-qualified. Under-qualified. Have applied for every conceivable position from Web Designer to Barista to Sales Rep in the last few months. Nada.

8. I have no close relationships in Reno anymore. Not my daughter and not a lover or boyfriend.

Reasons to Stay:

1. I fucking hate packing and moving.

2. Idyllwild is a small village. I will never get laid again in my life.

3. There are people in Reno I will miss.

4. No skiing in Idyllwild and the closest ski resorts are a three hour drive to Big Bear.

5. Idyllwild is a small village. I will never get laid again in my life.

6. The closest large stores to Idyllwild are a minimum of one hour away. Down a winding narrow mountain road. Everything’s pretty damned close to home here in Reno. The Truckee River, Wingfield Park, Downtown, and shopping.

7. My father and step-mother live in Idyllwild. Yes at age xx I’m still worried about my parents knowing everything that I do.

8. I left Idyllwild as ‘Someone.’ I’ll return as a groveling pathetic shell of my former glorious self. The humiliation co-efficient is astronomical. Being a nobody in Reno is okay with me. Under the radar and all.

9. Idyllwild is a small village. I will never get laid again in my life.

What to do. What to do.
Of course when my ass is on the street there may not be any decision left to me. So there you have it. A few months bitching about being this looming possibility and now that time is here. Right in my face.

Well fuck me to tears.

~Miss R

Currently listening :
Every Second Counts
By Plain White T’s
Release date: 26 February, 2007

Idyllwild

I’m at the tippy tippy top floor of an old gingerbread tippy tippy top house. Using dial-up.

James picked me up and dropped me off at the airport yesterday morning and after the typically boring layover in San Jose my ass landed in untypically clear (hardly any smog) Ontario.

What am I doing here? There’s no one in the house this morning except for myself and a talkative orange tail-less cat named Bradshaw. My step-mother went to Orange County for a few days but I’ve no idea where my father is.

I don’t have my first appointment at the hosptial until tomorrow so a hike would be nice this afternoon, as I do not really feel like going into town to see any old friends. After finishing this cup of coffee I’ll have to walk down 4 flights of stairs to get another cup. Maybe a hike would be redundant.

The time it takes to schlep downstairs and pour more coffee should be enough time for a page to load on this computer though. Hard to believe that’s all we used to have for years isn’t it? Dial-up I mean, not schlepping.

It’s beauritful here in the trees, surrounded by mountain tops. The air is crsip and clean, since Idyllwild is at a 6000 foot elevation. My daughter will be here for dinner tonight and my old pals and former business friends (same thing) live in town as well.

The sun is bright and the azure sky blue and cloudless. It’s 8:30 am and I can hear occasional bits of a guy down the road singing opera. Yesterday afternoon one of the neighbors rode by. On her horse. This is a small secluded resort mountain town of artists, oddballs, retirees, tree-huggers, the over-educated and the out of place. It’s a reason I lived here for more than 10 years and fit in so very well.

So why am I still crying and craving the darkness?

~miss r