Shiny Happy New Survey

alrighty then. there seems to be a miasma of despair and sadness on this blog of late. damned broken heart.
in any case i have decided to write a survey.
as well i should.
it’s cheery.
you’ll like it.

Confused? Perfect.

1. If you were to kill a man, horror movie style, which kitchen utensil would you use?
A salad shooter

2. Did you ever swallow a coin?
Nooooo

3. What was the worst gift you’ve ever received?
A 99 cent package of blank cassette tapes from my boyfriend. I had given him a gold and diamond ring. Yeah I’ve been dumb a lotta years since this was in the 80’s..

4. What is your most embarrassing childhood memory?
when my father showed up blind drunk to my senior piano recital.

5. How many kids do you want?
Just one and I already have her

6. Whats your moms middle name?
Rachael

7. Have you ever operated a fire extinguisher?
Yeah, on my Hyundai on the 91 Freeway outside of Palm Springs. In the middle of No-Fucking-Where-Desert

8. Worst car you ever had to drive and why?
Let me count the ways. No cars….

9. Who do you hate?
No one. I detest everyone though.

10. What do you hope to have accomplished by the end of this year?
a pulse

11. Do you have any reallllly crazy relatives?
Insanity doesn’t run in my family. It gallops.

12. Did you ever wake up under the influence of NyQuil, completely unable to move?
Uh no. Name a FUN barbituate

13. Are you feeling nostalgic right now?
For the way things were a week ago, does that count?

14. Did you own a Lite-Brite?
Never did. I’m still bitter.

15. Can you dive?
You betcha

16. Do you own a mouthpiece for anything?
Ya, two sax mouthpieces and one oboe mouthpiece.

18. Have you ever used a pogo stick?
yeah, I loved em when I was kid

19. Who was the most creative bum you’ve ever met, trying to get some money from you?
One night when TK and I were out a guy asked for a dollar. We said no and he then said “yes but would you LIKE one?”

20. Whats your favorite Jelly Belly jelly bean flavor?
Too fucking random. How about Frost Wine 2001?

21. Favorite food you CRAVE?
TK’s barbeque

22. When was the last time you pulled lint out of your bellybutton?
Wait a minute. I SHOWER every day.

23. Did you ever use someone else’s toothbrush?
probably but I was likely hosed at the time

24. Do you REALLY floss everyday?
no but when I do it’s someone else’s floss

25. What is your favorite cologne/perfume you always wear?
Opium or Coco Chanel. It’s a tie.

26. If you were on Double Dare, would you take the physical challenge?
What the fuck is double dare?

27. What’s the largest living organism that you killed?
The bastard wouldn’t eat the poison mushrooms

28. Did you ever take a lighting bug and smear its guts on your arm so you get a cool glowing effect like war paint?
No you sick fuck. I did catch them on summer vacation in PA when I was a kid though

29. What’s the best toy you’ve ever gotten in a McDonalds happy meal?
I only do sad meals. The toys are usually rocks or really ugly sweaters.

30. if you could be anywhere in the world doing anything right now what would it be?
I’m going to cry now. Piss off.

31. Can you juggle? YES!

32. How do you feel right now?
Like friggin loser. Oh wait. I am.

33. Do you remember that square candy bar called “Chunky”?
yum. I liked Ice Cubes better though

34. Predict the length of the next Peter Jackson movie.
2 years 13 hours and 16 minutes.

35. What was your favorite toy as a kid?
45 singles.

36. Are you willing to go the distance?
Depends on who I’m fighting. Or fucking.

37. Did you answer question 17?
Yes, but only in my head and I’m not telling you the answer
~Miss R

Listening To:
John Hiatt – Perfectly Good Guitar

hide and seek

Spent the weekend working. Will code html for food

Deadlines from a client placed me in a position of torturous stress. Slept two hours on Saturday night and was back at work on the site at 5:30 am. All told I got 6 hours of sleep over a prior 72.

This site was supposed to be fully designed, functional and up and running by the time The Oscars aired. The client had purchased air time for the broadcast on a whim Thursday night. Two days prior to this she’d said not to worry since the kick-off date for the company was pushed back another 3 weeks.
Aaaaaiiiiiiiiiii.
Nothing like a two day warning to raise the blood pressure.

They rejected my first design but loved the second one. I’ve still got a hell of a lot of work to do on it though. Gotta say that my design was fab until they had me add 20 paragraphs of text to the index page. Ugh.

The remaining time slaving involves setting up their shopping cart and adding 160 items, including graphics for each one (full size and thumbnail thank you very much) along with enticing descriptions of the merchandise.
Here’s the dilemma: The client runs a company for ‘Ladies Night’ parties. Guess what the products are. Oh yeah...>..>..>..>

How many adjectives can one concoct for vibrators, cock rings and other accoutrements of sexual pleasure?

Speaking of which… what’s another name for thesaurus?

I’m completing the majority of design work when my daughter’s at school or in bed (or decorating her pink slippers with Anarchy symbols) Tonight she came in while I was on the phone with TK. There was a brochure on the desk showing some rather, um, graphic images.
It’s like playing hide and seek around here. Not the fun kind either.
I thank god every day that the kid still thinks that naked people are ‘gross’.

The funniest part of the whole gig is that they are paying me half in cash (a nice stipend even though I quoted them a painfully low rate because I needed the work) and half in product.
I need to re-pen the Alanis song….

It’s like a room full of toys
When you have no boyfriend
Or a ski pass at Rose on powder days
When you have to work
Isn’t it ironic

Maybe I can get in some skiing tomorrow morning before the phone calls start from my client list.
Okay there are only two of them. Sheesh you’re picky. It’s just that I’ve always wanted to say
“I have quite the power Client List, so bring me a bottle of your finest scotch garcon.”

Have also fantasized saying
“You’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” as well.

Well actually I have. It’s just that they were divorce lawyers.

Speaking of lawyers.
No. Let’s not.

So assuming I make it back alive from Mt Rose tomorrow, which also presumes I’ll make it up there, I’ll have to deal with my other client. Paranoid conspiracy theorist crazy guy.
I’ve come to a bizarre realization: people will pay you to hold their hand and listen to their weird crap. All this with a BFA in music. Praise Buddha.
You can’t make this stuff up.

Am seriously considering:
a) running away from home
b) going to beauty school and doing nails and popping gum for a living
c) divesting myself of whiny needy clients.
d) taking up a kick-ass smack habit

Dear god. I might as well be married again.
At least these guys are paying ME and I’m not the one losing their shirt.

Of course with over a thousand dollars in wonderful merchandise coming my way from client number one I’d like to lose my shirt.
Dammit I’m single.

Isn’t it Ironic.

~Miss R

Listening To:

Two Worlds/ Grusin & Ritenour
By: Dave Grusin & Lee Ritenour
Release date: 12 September, 2000

 

Those Nutty Germans

This is the funniest fucking thing I’ve seen in months.

A GERMAN court is being used to file a lawsuit against Rumsfeld for War Crimes.

Does anyone see the irony in this but me?

Yeah yeah I know it’s not being filed by the German government and yeah yeah I know that some over-paid jaded selfish United States government military freak of nature should be held accountable. After all, the US is routinely listed by Amnesty International for violating civil rights.

Still… Germans suing us for War Crimes!

Stop it. You’re killin’ me. I gotta get a Kleenex and wipe the tears out of my eyes. My belly hurts from laughing. I’m going to fall off this chair and fu#$(T*& J% ……… Dammit that hurt.

Laughing at you not with you,

~Miss R

Currently listening :
Kronos Quartet Performs Philip Glass
By violin David Harrington
Release date: By 17 June, 2003

Isn’t It Ironic (or satiric depending on your IQ)

I‘m feeling almost human this afternoon. Don’t tell anyone but I snuck out to the living room, lifted the key cover on the upright, and played 100 Years by Five for Fighting. Twice in a row.

A nice simple song, nothing strenuous. As opposed to knocking out A Strenuous Life by Scott Joplin which is strenuous. Well not until the second movement, but yeah then it is.

Took a rest and then snuck out again (shhhhhhh) to play and sing Late by Ben Folds.
I. Am. Going. Ber. Serk.

The phone just rang.
“Is Mrs. Robinson at home?”
“No there is NO Mrs. Robinson here, for the TENTH time this week.”
“Are you the owner of this home?”
“No. I’m the renter of this hovel”.
Dead silence. I snickered and hung up.

Whoever it is will call tomorrow and then
“Is Mrs. Robinson at home?”
“Yes! How did you know? Have my exes been gossiping again?”

I caught a lot of good-natured ribbing from friends over the last year and a half. Due to some weird aligning of the planets it seemed that various and colorful dates who had been in and out of my life were generally somewhere between 5 to 15 years younger than myself. Go figure.

Chris, the last guy I dated (we went out maybe half a dozen times) was 30. So for the duration of that diversion Leslie and the guys at work would ask if Ashton Kushner had sent any more flowers or called. Fuckers.

Not really.I love to be teased by those who are intelligent enough to see the amusing side of a situation. To make the distinction between being humorous with a point instead of mean-spirited with a point.

There’s a saying:
Small minds discuss people.
Average
minds discuss events.
Great
minds discuss ideas.

This is not to say that I have a great mind. That’s obvious. Still….
Discussing People?Having been the object of gossip, usually untrue, I keep this type of discourse to a minimum. I am a keeper of other people’s secrets.
Discussing events? Well events of an artistic/cultural or scientific nature yes. The nightly news or alleged Entertainment news? No. I may discuss their implications but do not talk about the events themselves. News items may however cause me to feel.
Discussing Ideas? Yeah I love it. Virtually anything can spawn an idea. The inspiration for this blog came from a comment made by my friend Matt. We were talking about sarcasm and he mentioned that Ironic by Alanis Morrisette has a lot of lines in it that are not really ironic.

That set me to thinking (oh god NO!) about
The difference between ironic and sarcastic.

As a geek you either learn to be funny or to make yourself invisible.
Happily there is a way to incorporate both of these alternatives.

By making light of a situation or presenting something in a humorous manner we are able to deflect others from looking directly at us.
I truly believe that being an ironic or sarcastic person is a direct result of insecurity.

So ultimately we oddballs hope to be viewed as funny, which is acceptable, instead of who we really are, which is insecure and hopefully iconoclastic.

For years I’ve been told that I’m funny. I prefer ironic or even better facetious. It’s just that many folks have to run for the dictionary to look up facetious. Takes too long the make the point then.

Funny is an appellation normally bestowed by those with limited intellect or vocabulary. Or, too much to drink that night.

I’ve always felt myself an outsider. You know, one of the kids who were shunned in school for being too smart, too fat, too weird, and too dark. I relate to others who have outlooks and experiences similar to my own. Everyone does this. It follows that my closest friends are also witty, wry and facetious as well. Outsiders.

If we make others laugh then hopefully they will see us as the fat funny one, the smart funny one, the different funny one.

Dammit as usual my tangent has spawned what should be another blog. So on to the point!

Miss R’s Dictionary presents the following simple definitions:

Sarcasm: a reaction to or observation of an event
Irony: an actual event

Being sarcastic can be a result of irony. Normally it will be a rather barbed reaction, hopefully amusing and not hurtful. Many times it’s both though.

As for Alanis (remember her from about four paragraphs ago?):
The poor woman hasn’t the faintest clue about irony. Or sarcasm.

To wit:
Rain on your wedding day?
That’s not ironic. It’s just bad planning if you’ve rented the local park for your reception.

10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife?
No irony here kids. It would be ironic if you needed the knife, only had the spoons, and THEN received the goddamned knife as a wedding present.
The next day.
That would be ironic.

If you take a look at this essay you will notice I’ve happily assimilated my points by being sarcastic in regards to irony.

My job here is done.

If you didn’t see the point of this piece then I can only point out the obvious conclusion: You suffer from an Irony Deficiency.

~Miss R