Murder! Mayhem! Sex! Free Beer!

I am so full of crap. Great headline though eh?
This is my “I am Bored and All Alone in Reno Birthday Survey”.

Please do steal and re-work it for your own glee and amusement.
I did.

you need a bat to the side of your head

Tired of all of those surveys made up by dumb and/or degenerate
high school kids?

How about one made up by a dumb and/or degenerate adult?

50 questions for the people who are a tad older

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Car insurance. Those blood suckers

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Um….. it’s been months and months. Probably TK’s house.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
Who says I’m not a virgin? Sheesh. Lies and whispers I tell ‘ya.

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
Marrying Lucky Ex-husband Number Two. That dickhead.
Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Abraham Lincoln

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sitting on a beach in the sun reading a book while simultaneously being felt up by a hot erotic man. Oh yeah, since this is fantasy I’m drinking a glass of champagne as well.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A pathologist or a movie star

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Two; graduated from the second. could n longer afford the first.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
What shirt?

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
Oh they’re too low. I must pay more.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
Somewhere warm with the ocean nearby… South America maybe

I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Thank god that was a dream –shudder-. Nightmares are my life.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
It’s cold in here and who stole my life?

14. Favorite underwear?
none

15. Favorite thing about the opposite sex?
eyes

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
cleaning up after other people i.e. my kid

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Sure. For CIA pharmacological experiments.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Well that depends if I actually sleep at all

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
George Bush

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy /girl?
That is potentially the stupidest question I’ve ever come across. Pardon the terminology.

21. Have you found real love yet?
I did but of course I’m an idiot romantic

22. When did you first start feeling old?
In the early 90’s when I realized that my vinyl collection far outnumbered my CD collection

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Unbaptized small child. Medium rare.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
An empty wallet

26. Beach or lake?
Beach.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No. I just have a steep learning curve

28. Do you own property?
Technically my daughter is chattel and not property

29. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
Oh yeah I’m gonna post that.

31. What’s your drink?
Club Soda and Bitters. Shaken not stirred.
32. Cowboys or Indians?
Huh? What happened to ‘grown-up survey?’

33. Cops or Robbers?
I always played the Serial Killer. Strangely there is no one around to confirm this

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
Hank Stratton. He was my best friend, which brings me to a favorite joke:
Why did god invent fat girls? So little gay boys would have friends.

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
KRZQ or NPR. Don’t remember.

36. Norm or Cliff?
Norm. Cliff was not amusing just dumb. The same reason I’ve always detested I Love Lucy.

37. Grey’s or The Office?
Neither. Dexter or 60 Seconds to Disaster

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
That should read mistakes plural, this is not an essay and I am not Dostoevsky

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
You mean the cat?

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Dead? Dorothy Parker. Living? Harlan Ellison.

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
For what –raises eyebrows- ?

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
In 1982. Into a tree off of Laguna Canyon Highway. Driving my ’76 Camero. At 50+ MPH. Good times.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Well it wasn’t really me, it was the driver in car in front of me. On the 91 freeway in the middle of the desert coming back from Palm Springs. Seems the engine was on fire. Damned disposal Hyundai

44. Last book you read?
The Lost by Daniel Mendelsohn. An account of the author’s search for family members who were killed by the Nazis in Poland. It’s funny, sad, intriguing and suspenseful.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
Hell no.

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
The front yard. I don’t think that this is so strange though.

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
Camping along the Russian River

48. Do you go to church?
What is this ‘church’ you speak of?

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Funny you should mention that as I have neither

50. How old are you?
19 or 39. I can’t remember…..Steely Dan or Jack Benny

Currently listening:
Small World Big Band
By: Jools Holland & His Rhythm & Blues Orchestra
Release date: 18 December, 2001

-NOTE- This was originally posted in 2007, and answers reflect that time in our/my glorious history. In particular I was 12 years sober, still had retirement accounts, and had not yet sprouted a gray hair; the Demon Seed was not yet into the full tilt boogie evil teen mode. Seems as though nothing else has changed.
Thanks to Max for re-posting this and reminding me. See her answers to my eccentric survey at the previous link.

Oh. my birthday is  actually November 12. Gift registry available at any Dollar Store near you.

Annual Gluttonous Genocide Gala!

Or as we call it here in the U.S….. Thanksgiving!

rocky horror thanksgiving

I plan on celebrating with a Marie Calendar’s Pot Pie (not that kind of pot.  Just as well as there are no Doritos or Mountain Dew in the house), a few Frescas and later something stronger. Something a lot stronger. That originates in Ireland. Reminds me, there are a few beers in the fridge.
Hold on. Be right back.

Ah, that’s better. So readers eat, drink, be merry. Or if you’re Eddie Izzard be Mary -rim shot-.
For any seriously moronic people get some sleep in too.. you’ll need it. After all, come  Midnight you’ll be in line at Wal-Mart or Macy’s waiting to save that 25 cents on socks!

Miss my daughter but she’ll have a good day with her dad and old friends from High School. I plan on a good day as well.

So let’s all bless our country’s founders, their unswerving commitment to eradicating all of the indigenous people, and of course that greatest of American traditions: A parade!
Wait that’s not it. Over-Eating! yep that’s the phrase.

Pro-tip: Now is the perfect time of year to take up a new hobby. I personally recommend Bulimia.
Easy to learn, a lifetime to master.

Happy Thanksgiving!

~Miss R

Burning Man 2011: Recovery is Slow

Hi All,

Back from Burning Man. Celebrated my 7th year on the playa.  Great year and we were voted Best Bar on the Playa…again. We were not even listed in the guide because we never registered as an official theme camp this year and didn’t bring out 1/2 of what we have for the bar/camp. Despite this (and lack of Teeter Totter of Death, Centrifuge merry-go-round and Chairway to Heaven) all of our prior year guests found us as well as thousands of new friends.

C’mon what is better than BDSM with your Bordeaux?
Still recovering from 8 days of radical self preservation in the middle of the Nevada desert about an hour+ from Reno. Usually over 100F during the day and in the 40’s at night), costumes, dance camps, FABULOUS art this year and seriously great music. could only march one gig with Burning Band this year (fucking back. Doh) with my new melodica. It was the Little Black Dress Parade though; the parade (and our band) is a staple at Burning Man.
Not to mention the madness, laughter, gourmet food and NSFW  shit that went on at our bar/camp; Spanky’s Wine Bar.

And apparently still not done. Several other ‘Spankers’ Spanky's Wine Bar: Burning Manstayed in Reno for another week after the Burn ended.

Spent yesterday at the Grand Sierra Resort, hanging by the pool and drinking margaritas. laughing and swimming with some of my best camp mates. Hell, the picture of our camp to the right is from last year. Haven’t even gone through my (crappy this year) pics yet to re-size and post.

Night The Man burned 2011

Night that The Man burned. Hard to tell due to the dust, but I'm standing in front of one of the best new Art Cars on the playa.e actual experience coming soon. As much of it as I can remember...

Piano Wench (that's me!) and Patrick (Trick) ay Spanky's 2011

Piano Wench (that's me!) and Patrick (Trick) at Spanky's 2011

Taylor (a playa virgin this year!), DocMoc and Yours Truly

Taylor (a playa virgin this year!), DocMoc and Yours Truly. Burning Man 2011

~Miss R
And that’s Piano Wench to you

That’s the way to do the Varsity Drag

the Ruling Class

Just finished watching The Ruling Class, a gem of a film, and shockingly not well-known. Amazing dialogue, satire, bizarre brief yet wonderful musical bits. It is among Peter O’Toole’s best performances. He was nominated for an Oscar. From this there is a soundtrack in my head consisting of The Varsity Drag, Dem Bones and My Blue Heaven .

This is the first time I’d seen it in a good 20 years. Thank you Netflix. Forgotten that one of the female leads was played by the same actress who played Harold’s mother in Harold and Maude. Both were made about the same time, during the Vietnam War. And both were made as indictments of the established order. I believe that MASH was also made the same year.

The Ruling Class leads the viewer to believe that this is a twisted and dark comedy, but as we say at Spanky’s on the playa at Burning Man.

Spanky's Wine Bar at Burning Man

”This will all end in tears.’

We say it as a joke whenever a clusterfuck breaks out.

This is one of the few movies I can watch without tears dropping down my face at the ending. Hell, I’ve cried at the endings of fucking Doctor Who episodes. The Demon Seed admits she has too but the little wench laughs at me when she catches me weeping on the phone, asking why she didn’t warn me. Yes we are both geeks. What about it? You don’t believe me, just step outside and see me baby.

Hey, I was bi-polar before being bi-polar was cool. Not to mention I was a Punk before you were a Punk

Heh. betcha I got you with Fee Waybill and crew. Well pray, really really hard.
To me.
I may bestow  a bit of the title tune on you as well.

Hmmm other firsts? Listed in no particular order but as an exercise to boost the current rock I’m holding for Sisyphus. He had to grab a coffee. Fucker’s been gone over six months.

First student at my college to enroll and begin at age 15 (and the school had already been around for 150 years by then).

First woman in my town to have a tattoo. That was 18 years ago and I don’t want another one. Who the hell Doesn’t have one these days?

First woman my age (45) to have a tongue piercing in the vicinity. Was late to the nipple piercing action but ooh it hurt so good. And feels absolutely delicious now. Too bad gravity has had it’s way with my boobs.

First started my musical ‘career’ playing Gay bars; standards,show tunes and ragtimte. The Whiskey and Madame Wongs came later playing in a punk band. Because I lied about my age. I was 16 not 21. So all you owners that stiffed me way back when? Because all you saw was a girl with big tits standing at an Amazon stature of 5’2″? Go fuck a porcupine you pricks.

First in my family to be the eccentric, but beloved, black sheep and eschew the medical degree deemed proper in our family.
The Demon Seed has declared her intention to get a PhD is psychology. Way cheaper than med school. Her first choice was psychiatrist. So back to doctors we go.

Now I’m almost 50 and I have is my daughter, and she’s going way next month to college, and memories.  And a big-ass concert grand piano.

And perhaps this is why I didn’t cry at the end of The Ruling Class.

Everything changes. Transforms. But mostly sneaks away quietly. It has become so difficult to fight the established order.

And I’m scared as hell. And the current point in life’s curve should probably have had me already hospitalized.

Maybe coming to terms with it all is beginning. And it all started a long time ago. In college.  Fighting back against anything and everything….except Music.

~Miss R

Now go and beg, borrow steal or Netflix ‘The Ruling Class.’ You’ll thank me. And perhaps send a cash tip!

My child is a genius. Yours not so much.

The Demon Seed just finished her last semester with a 4.0, and taking  5 AP classes. She starts at San Francisco State in the Fall. Only a 5 hour drive.

Being a proud mom is about all I can think of today.  The picture below was taken 2 years so in San Francisco, where we went to see Eddie Izzard. The kid’s been on the ball and appreciative of dark humor forever. It was her choice as a Birthday present when she turned 15.

The End

Miss R and the Demon Seed

Yours Truly and the Demon Seed in Haight-Ashbury

A story from the Demon Seed’s childhood

For 10 years I owned a bitchin’ retail game store and espresso bar. Made the best fudge you’ve ever tasted too. Started in the mountains of southern California and then opened the 2nd location in a tourist area of lakes and summer homes in northern Michigan:

Cabin Fever in Crystal Lake, MI

Cabin Fever (and home of http://www.damnedgames.com)

My daughter, The Demon Seed, at age 9, asks ‘Mom I want to work in your store.’
She’d grown up at the store, a 5 year old learning math by making change for customers.

So of course at age 9 I told her I’d pay her …which is why she wanted to work.

Her first task: washing the foam pitchers for the cappuccinos, the fudge kettle (a behemoth that even I needed a step stool to use), the fudge pans…well you get the idea.
She ‘quit’ after 3 hours and asked for her wages.
This is when I dropped the bomb: ‘Cate, the law says that family members are not entitled to wages’. Now this is actually the law and true.
She burst into tears.
I couldn’t take it.

Me being the queen of marshmallows couldn’t bear to tease my free workforce this way.
I gave her $10.00 and she happily made herself a Chai at the big-ass commercial espresso machine (The law also stated that no one under 18 is to operate an espresso machine, what with the boiling water under incredibly high pressure and all) and began helping customers with the games and puzzles we had for sale. Cheerfully I might add.

Look towards the back. Big-Ass Espresso Machine, under the Coffee Menu

She was happy having ‘worked’ the store. I was still amused by my cruel parental joke brief though it was, and my daughter never asked to work again.

Funny thing: When she got to Jr. High School she got a job after school at a local hair salon. She’s about to start college in the Fall, and has held a job weekends and after school every day since Jr. High School.

Demon Seed in Junior High School when asked to work for free.

Apparently she learned a valuable lesson.
Employers who are not related to you WILL pay, on time…. and they won’t laugh either.

The Demon Seed starts at SF State in the Fall and is currently looking for a Part-Time job. She has her resume ready. Hire her and save me some money.

~Miss R

Broken Engine

Well it does has something to do with a motor, Okay, motor skills actually.

The whole  ‘engine’ thing was  more  than a Silly Putty stretch and more like a Stretch Armstrong  kind of stretch.

If you don’  recognize the two items that I’m referring to above  then you’ll just have  fuck  yourself and do some Googling.

And get off my lawn you kids.

There have been very few posts the last three weeks.  The surgery was long and arduous.

Am still using walker, taking opiates (which I a am weaning  myself off of )  feeling  intense pain

Right now the engine is broken and the Motor Skills are irregular and slow. My cognitive abilities appear to be  normal as well.

What’s worrying me is that it seems I’ve forgotten how to type.  Now what kind if weird side effect is this?!

Called doc yesterday to ask some questions.

Forgot to ask about this little tidbit.

Will let you know as soon as I can. This blog has taken over two hours to write.  It should have 15 or 20 minutes. The spelling is so bad, because I’ve forgotten where the keys are, that spellcheck doesn’t recognize th,yjindu.gyuiod!

~Way fucked up in Reno

A Big Fish Story

Taken by fish line

Set the alarm clock for 4:30 am. Spinal surgery tomorrow so today was nuts. Running errands to pick up supplies for my return in 5 days.

This left one final chore. Little did I know it would take all afternoon and lead me from one end of Reno to the other, and every damned place in between.

My holy grail?  1.6 MM  width fishing line. This is some big-ass line. Started at Wal-Mart. Nope. Sent to another sporting goods store. Nope. Then Cabella’s. Nope they were out. Mind you I had a sample of the width I wanted. Finally was recommended to Sportsmen’s Warehouse.

I approached a young clerk first. He couldn’t help me. then he called over an old-timer who had appeared to have been at the store since it opened…probably in the 50’s.

The senior clerk shook his head and headed to the back room. After about 10 minutes he returned empty handed. I thanked them and turned to leave. That’s when the old guy said ‘Say! what do you need this for?’ It’s over 100 pound test. both employees looked at me. I replied  ‘Well, I have surgery tomorrow and have to remove my nipple piercings. They’re metal.’  The poor rednecks’ chins dropped as I said ‘Well you asked!’

They howled with laughter as I walked off smiling.

There was a happy ending (no not that kind you perv). I’d had the fishing line recommended by the piercing shop, but I had also ordered two plastic retainers online. they looked way too small.

Returned to Black Hole (the piercing shop) and told them my dilemma. At which point the owner said ‘No what you need is weed-whacker plastic.’ I said ‘Look, can you just try these retainers and see if they work.’

They fit. Barely.

Good thing. I’d hate to see the expression on the guy in the garden department at Sears when I explained it to him.

See you next week. Gone fishing.

~Miss R

Craigslist? Oh dear god

So here’s the problem.

Once again I find myself sans boyfriend or dates. Okay, it’s not as if this hasn’t been a given in the last few years but it’s really getting to me now. Hell if I know why.

I’ve  given the heave-ho to the  few of the boy-toy/dinner dates over the past year or so. What’s the point? 

There was no future in any of them. Hell there was no present. Try discussing Mahler, Hawking or Bukowski  with a snow-boarding-hey-dude guy who’s idea of art is the new label cover on a bottle of $10.00 wine.

At least they looked good.  Of course so do I. With the lights off or my corset cinched tightly, then the lights dimmed.

So let’s say, just for a left-field example, that you were a late forty-something, eccentric, neurotic, darkly witty, moderately talented, exceptionally brilliant woman? Carrying around 20 pounds extra on her frame.  Oh, and you don’t like meeting guys in bars, your weekly outing consists of wrapping yourself up in a parka and a pair of skis to hit the slopes, or going to freaking Costco?

The roomie says ‘Oh Rach guys still hit on you.’ Yes they do! They’re

a)Drunk

b)on day pass from the Helen Keller Institute

c)Northern Nevada Mental Health and Retard Services clients

Here’s the bottom line: I’m about ready to try…. Craigslist.

Don’t say it. I know. I’ve tried it before. Hell, it’s more than a crap shoot. It’s more like Russian roulette. With a fixed table.  And misshapen balls. But those are more balls than I’ve seen in a helluva long time.

Jimmy the Greek wouldn’t front me $5.00. That was before he was dead.

People my age are married, or divorced and married again. And divorced. Wait. So was I. Forget that. The point is that it’s a bitch to find so much as a date, nevermind a steady relationship. I can go out to a bar tonight and get laid but fuck that, pardon the pun. I’m getting too old for that crap. Not the fucking, the one night stands. Hell, I’m tired of being alone. Two of my marriages sucked but hopefully I’ve learned something. If not, at least I can check out those balls.

~R

1-2-3-4

These are a few of my favorite things:

A vehicle that runs again
Clean sheets
Air Emergency on NGC
Direct TV for 30 days
Rent paid for 30 days
New client –quickie site design (praise jesus for the Christian websites)
Selling my REI tent and sleeping bag on CL
Wrenching my back while cleaning/throwing things away/packing and then finding a single Oxy while cleaning/throwing things away/packing

All of the above occurring in a twenty four hour period with only one instance of complete decompensation on my part

Checked out the Feist video 1234 (featured in the iPod Nano commercial).
The dancing is so cheesy it’s wonderful to watch but the amazing thing is that it was done in one take.

I’ve embedded the version from youtube, so the quality bites,  but WordPress doesn’t want to support a Flash player.

Those swine.

Good song for a Friday though no matter what.
Enjoy.

~Miss R

spiderman and procrastination

Boston headstone

Today we’re gonna talk about my favorite topic to avoid. No it’s not death, as in the pic above which i happily took in Boston.

That’s right.
Spiderman.

Alright I love Spiderman but that’s not really it.
Procrastination. That’s the subject.

Wait minute, Lemme think about this first.
It could be a case of jumping the gun.

Woke up to the news on channel 8; think it’s been revealed that only two channels come in on my TV here in fabulous Reno.

After the shock of realizing
a) That vile shiny hurty yellow thingy is up in the sky
b) Fuckitall I’m still alive
c) I haven’t had sex (with another person) and am still sleeping alone after three weeks
d) The cat is happily shedding next to my face on a clean pillow and pillowcase. Okay formerly clean.

It occurred that maybe I should begin A Routine.

Yes kids, it’s that occasional horrific realization that maybe developing A Routine will acclimate the soul mind and body to Life.

LIFE – adjective–noun
1. The condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.
2. The condition that causes grief, lack of sleep, laughter, heartbreak weight gain and obsessive compulsive disorder. Oh yeah chocolate and coffee too.

So it came to be that I Got Some Shit Done today.
Was at the gym by 11:30 and am now in pain.
Combed the cat but she didn’t mind
Spoke with Tinfoil Hat Client (who is meeting with me tomorrow morning oh happy day)
Wrote a blog entry
Washed the car
Opened a bottle of chardonnay

Let us take two items shall we?

The gym is just a horrid piece of life that has to be reinstated.
As a matter of fact I have gained one pound for each week I have been, um, dumped.

Er, utterly single?

Uh, how about same as it ever was (insert image of david byrne doing a talking heads move).
Dammit. I lost one pound for every two weeks that I was in the last relationship and now it’s reappearing? What the hell is up with that? I thought a woman is supposed to lose weight upon the demise of a coupling.
Leave it to me.
Or leave it to beaver.
Same thing.

Oh yeah the car.
So I have to sell the Jeep. It’s either that voluntarily have it repossessed (no REALLY voluntarily) and lose even more money. I currently owe 4K more than the car is worth.
Don’t ask. I’m a chump and the salesman was a champ.
So the Credit Union told me to try and sell the car because I’ll get more for it than they will. Then I’ll only owe the difference between the balance of the loan and the sale price.
I say unto you…. Bwahahahahahahahahaha.

So Miss R will be making $20.00 a month payments until judgment day.
Isn’t that in a leap year anyway?

So I washed the car. Yes. It’s true.
Said Jeep has been unwashed for over two months, maybe more. It’s been camping in Clear Lake, sitting in TK’s tree-laden driveway, and sloshing through rain. The color of the Jeep was until today beige.
Turns out it is actually black.
Seriously. Who knew.

The best part: Stealth Car Washing.
Here at Chez Noir we do not pay for a car wash. Hell that $5.00 could ALMOST buy a pack of American Spirit Menthol Cigarettes.
My biggest fear was you guessed it, LittleOleMan.

I got back from the gym, supermarket and dollar store. After unloading the unholy purchases I filled a bucket with dishwashing soap, grabbed a few rags, pulled the Jeep over to the garden hose and… got busy by goddess.

No machete-wielding LittleOleMan cying “Ahhhhh get away from the water spigot biaaaaaaaatch. Your flowers are still alive but you shall die!”
No neighbors saying “hey I didn’t know we could wash our cars!” which of course they can’t because they’re not clandestine enough.
No “Goddammit Rachael you left the back window open.”
This last would have been said to myself by the way.

The car is clean. It is time to write the obituary. I mean ad.

On to part two. The chardonnay.
The reason I have not posted the car ad on Craigslist tonight is a direct result of Dollar Store inefficiency.

I purchased what I thought was a perfectly good corkscrew from the Dollar Store a month ago.
Who knew it would bow to the pressures of a bad wine.
Rachael’s Hint for the Day: Avoid –at all fucking cost- Pepperwood Grove Chardonnay.
Not only did it break off the cork screw but it could
take the polish off of my fingernails. Down the drain it went.
Sad sad sad.

Well I see by the clock on the wall that it is time to shut the hell up.
So my friends I leave you with these thoughts…

I wish I could dance in TK’s kitchen to Michael Buble’s Spiderman.
I wish I had more than just Tinfoil Hat Client as an income
I wish I would win Publishers Clearinghouse
But mostly I wish to just get on with it…..

“They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?”

~miss r

What I Did On My Thanksgiving Vacation

I did stay away from the computer during the foray to California.
Got to dad’s on the 18th and returned home yesterday.

Haven’t been online since posting the ‘Germany’ blog on the 20th. After getting settled last night and seeing how many messages there were I decided to take a shower and an Ambien. Had to sufficiently fortify myself for tackling three email accounts besides myspace this morning.

Was at dad’s house for two days before finally getting my tired, yet fabulous, ass up the circular staircase to the computer on the 4th fucking floor. Continue reading