Seasonal Serial Killer Disorder

In the last month I’ve survived the end of the world, dad’s birthday (he’s been gone for 3 years now but it’s still painful as hell), a nasty epidural from The Butcher, my kid stressing over her freshman college midterms, my boyfriend packing to move out (even though I asked  him to), male pattern baldness and iron poor blood.

Alright, a few of these may be imagined. Or cured with Geritol. Geritol ad courtesy of Welk Family blog at Blogspot

Why is it that Fall begets stress? Similar to a Cinemafia conspiracy worthy of Oliver Stone.

Decided to do some scientific research to answer the burning question:

Why does the beginning of Fall initiate the beginning of Stress, Cold and Flu Season?

Besides the obvious immediate climate change here in Reno, Nevada.

Our state slogan: No Fall. No Spring. No Soup for you.

damned snow all winter..in the DESERT

Move to the Desert! The Weather is Here. Glad You're Not?

Here’s what I’ve come up with, based on said scientific research. A poll of random Reno-ites, taken over the period of no determinate time, geographical location in the city and particularly no control group. If you’ll note I said scientific and not the scientific method.

The Question posed to our random sampling of the citizens of Reno was:

Why Does Fall Instigate Your Inner Serial Killer?

Here are a few randomly chosen answers:

  1. All I can think about is the money my husband brings home and how we’ll pay for my Halloween candy, my birthday presents, other people’s birthday gifts as well of course, my Thanksgiving dinner, my Christmas gifts and of course what is going to be left after all of that? What about my bon-bons? Do you have my remote?
  2. What does that mean? Serial Killers? Get the hell away from me
  3. Well I don’t like the snow or driving in it. It brings all of the aliens up from Roswell and Rachel to Reno. Haven’t you noticed the radical lack of tin foil during the upcoming cold months?
  4. If you don’t get off this here property I’ll shoot ‘ya where you stand
  5. As a journalism graduate student at UNR my answer is, uh, ummm, you know like it’s just, ah, stressful.
  6. If you don’t get off this here property I’ll shoot ‘ya where you stand
  7. I LOVE the Fall and beginning of winter. And of course being from California originally we’re used to serial killers
  8. I don’t know. When my husband gets home I’ll ask him what we think.

There were at least 100 respondents and it was discovered that the small sample above was representative of them all.

In Conclusion:

Inhabitants refuse to embrace their Inner Serial Killer, which is sad and may explain the morbid obesity rampant in the city. The vast majority of citizens in Reno are armed with unregistered firearms and WANT to shoot you on sight. Civil Rights of any kind seem to have stopped eight to ten hours south of this place. Or perhaps 30 years. Do NOT send your kids to University of Nevada Reno. There is a ratio of 8 nutters to 10 non-nutters in our city’s populace.

So I’ve found the succinct answer to the question, seasonal stress, urge to kill and iron poor blood.

Move.

~Miss R

Sex and Drugs and Wheelchair Roll!

I'm a Fall Risk

The yellow band around my arm says ‘FALL RISK.’ Asked the admitting nurse how my reputation preceded me so quickly. She just looked bored.

Alternative bad jokes that later occurred to me:

  • ‘A Risk for ALL Seasons’
  • This armband indicates that I do not expire for six months
  • No you cretin it’s a Pentagram not a Star of David! Wait. That’s my tattoo.

Will be out of this hospital bed in another hour, for the first time since surgery yesterday morning. To receive instruction on that hippest manner of perambulation: the walker. Can’t you see the potential for the Denny’s Senior Discount using one of these babies? Mmmm Eggs Over My Hammy.

Anyway, three hearty hospital meals here so far.  All consisting of mystery broth, apple juice box and some kind of pseudo Jell-O which is comprised solely of 4 types of sugar, coloring, seaweed (carrageenan) and chemicals I can’t pronounce without practice.

If you can remember the Wayback Machine you’ll be able to harken back to the days of coffee dispensers. Before hospitals, airports, schools or train stations had real people making real coffee. Those old vending machines offered coffee, hot chocolate, tea or chicken soup. All choices came out the same spout at the bottom. Not all at once, unless the machine was broken. This wouldn’t make the liquids any less distasteful though. The boiling goodness shot into cheap paper cups that burned the living hell out of your hand.

The point is this: the hospital Mystery Broth tastes EXACTLY like that chicken soup of yore. Pretty sure that this hospital purchased every last container truck full of that broth/soup/salt water. They’re using it to this day.

My senses are surely heightened by the horrendous pain of surgery.  Perhaps highlighted by the morphine drip, morphine button, Percocet, Xanax and Robaxin coursing through my system as I write this.

Well it’s almost time for walkers and wheelchairs. Then in about 2 months… great sex. Okay hopefully any sex. Actually I only put ‘Sex’ in the title to get your attention. And that’s MISS Post Title Whore to you.

Gotta push the button, so I’m outta here. Literally.

~Miss R

A Big Fish Story

Taken by fish line

Set the alarm clock for 4:30 am. Spinal surgery tomorrow so today was nuts. Running errands to pick up supplies for my return in 5 days.

This left one final chore. Little did I know it would take all afternoon and lead me from one end of Reno to the other, and every damned place in between.

My holy grail?  1.6 MM  width fishing line. This is some big-ass line. Started at Wal-Mart. Nope. Sent to another sporting goods store. Nope. Then Cabella’s. Nope they were out. Mind you I had a sample of the width I wanted. Finally was recommended to Sportsmen’s Warehouse.

I approached a young clerk first. He couldn’t help me. then he called over an old-timer who had appeared to have been at the store since it opened…probably in the 50’s.

The senior clerk shook his head and headed to the back room. After about 10 minutes he returned empty handed. I thanked them and turned to leave. That’s when the old guy said ‘Say! what do you need this for?’ It’s over 100 pound test. both employees looked at me. I replied  ‘Well, I have surgery tomorrow and have to remove my nipple piercings. They’re metal.’  The poor rednecks’ chins dropped as I said ‘Well you asked!’

They howled with laughter as I walked off smiling.

There was a happy ending (no not that kind you perv). I’d had the fishing line recommended by the piercing shop, but I had also ordered two plastic retainers online. they looked way too small.

Returned to Black Hole (the piercing shop) and told them my dilemma. At which point the owner said ‘No what you need is weed-whacker plastic.’ I said ‘Look, can you just try these retainers and see if they work.’

They fit. Barely.

Good thing. I’d hate to see the expression on the guy in the garden department at Sears when I explained it to him.

See you next week. Gone fishing.

~Miss R

It’s Nipple Piercing Day!

nipple piercing needle

Have any piercings? Tats? Bones through your nose?  Surely you’ve thought of having at least one of these artistic additions added to your body.

Or maybe you’re just confused about the entire process. But you HAVE thought about it. Don’t lie to me.

Tattoos?: I have one tattoo. It’s self-designed, inconspicuous, will always mean something to me and… 18 years old. At the time I was the only woman in town with a tatt.

Now tats are everywhere. There are at least 10 parlors here in Reno that I can name off of the top of my head. Or yours if you’d sit still.

I refuse to ever have another because they’re no longer a symbol of creativity or the outsider. Here’s a fine example of what I’m talking about: Really hideous tattoos. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. I’ll wait.

really  bad tattoo

Bones through The Nose? Okay this never appealed to me. Let’s move on.

Piercings? My tongue was done five years ago. There’s a cute little cubic zirconium stud in there. Had it done one lonely Christmas Eve. Lost weight that holiday season. You try eating with a tongue swollen to three times the normal size. Had a fabulous speech impediment for those few days as well. The family couldn’t understand if I was calling to wish them a Merry Christmas or was simply calling to say Bwewyyy Ishhhhmush! Lub Yeuo Nuuuu Nommee!

Really wanted to have my nipples pierced that day, but couldn’t afford it. And had heard a lot of horror stories about infection, refusal for the wound to heal, bars and/or rings being torn out…-shudder-.

Decided to take the plunge yesterday. Or rather the needle. Know several people with nipple piercings and none of them had ever had a problem. What the hell. Made an appointment.

Yes I was devoid of any painkillers. C’mon. Some things hurt bad but some things hurt good. It’s all a matter of degree.

Went to Black Hole Piercings in Reno around the corner from my house. Great staff, and cleaner surroundings than any hospital I’ve seen. Besides, they’d done the tongue and I trusted them.
Do NOT Attempt this at home. Unless you’re a complete moron, then go for it. I love seeing Darwin win.
Luckily my boyfriend came with me. He likes to watch.  And take pictures. No I am not posting them, on the blog. If you would care to send a money order for $219.95 to my address then we can arrange something. Make it payable to “Iva B. Haad.”

First the technician wipes down the nips with betadine. Then she took a small pen to mark each nipple to make sure the piercings will be even on each side. At this point you get to stand up, look in a full view mirror, check for yourself, and conclude that you look like a retard wearing only a skirt with your nipples painted orange.

Following this you lay down, your boobies are adjusted, skin is stretched , you take a deep breath and OMG THE PAIN.

Then the tech slips the hoop through the hole (which has been attached to the end of the needle). This was actually more uncomfortable than the actual piercing. Not the pain, just the discomfort.

Hey that wasn’t so bad. Pretty rad actually. Serious endorphin rush.

Now the other nipple. Woo Hoo. Your body is slightly shocked by this point so it’s a more intense.

Have to say, that I left there within 20 minutes, in NO pain and with the list for follow-up care, etc.
It was great. Not for everyone of course, but there are advantages. You’re on your own contemplating the paramount one.

They’ll be healed (and I’ll get to stop the soaking  twice a day in saline solution) in one to six months. Seriously. Depends on your health, how well you follow up, and god knows what else. Just in time for summer, swimming and of course Burning Man. You can’t swim in a pool, hot tub, lake or any place else while these heal. So do it in the winter if you’re going to take the plunge.

The best part? When the piercings heal there is soooo much fabulous jewelry to choose from. And really, who the hell doesn’t need more jewelry?

musical dangling nipple ring

Very cool experience.
And I have the pictures to prove it.

~Miss R

Welcome to Reno! Home of the Homeless!

Reno: Biggest Little City in the World

As usual all things Reno, Nevada interest me. Many times they disgust, amuse, nauseate and confuse me as well. Reno has been my home for six years. Investigating the city has proven far less taxing than digging up the backyard. For body disposal. The neighborhood children dig me –no pun intended- because they get to play in the dirt and use the big rusty shovels while their parents are all still at work. It’s for the kids!

Anyway, there is apparently some kind of depression going on in the country. So I thought it would be interesting (disgusting, amusing nauseating and confusing) to see what Reno has to offer YOU.

Besides being an hour away from fabulous skiing, boasting the Truckee River with   great swimming and kayaking, and a host of (dying) Casinos.

Let’s go!

1.      We have fewer foreclosed homes than Las Vegas

2.      Nevada’s budget gap is worst in nation – next year’s revenues will pay for only 45% of this year’s budget. Reno will be Number One in receiving less funds.

    3.      Reno is only 20 minutes from the state capitol, Carson City. This is where the governor’s mansion and capitol building reside. Our last governor spent an average of less than 12 days out of every nine weeks in Carson City. He spent most of his time in Las Vegas. When he did come to town he was consistently caught with strippers and other high class women. Come on isn’t this great? Would you want a politician spending all of his time so close to you? I’m pretty sure his wife was happy. 

    4.      Reno is projected to have The Worst housing market in the US and has been voted one of the Thirteen National Housing Markets that will never recover. This was posted on Business Insider. Don’t worry. Las Vegas is listed as well. Go Nevada!

    5.      Nevada is Number One in unemployment. I’d like to personally thank Reno for their part in encouraging fast food franchises and chain stores, while taxing the living hell out of start-up businesses. Don’t ask me how I know this.

    6.      Reno WAS the divorce capital of the world. Damn. We lost this one in the 60’s.

    7.      It is against the law in Reno to place a bench in the middle of the street. Yes this is still on the books and a fine law it is.

    8.      Burning Man. Need I say more. Actually, this is the only positive thing I could find to place on this list.

    9.      Reno is the original home of the Harrah’s gambling empire. This means we’re Number One in helping instigate the formation of Gamblers Anonymous.

    10.

    Well the guy who lives next to me in my duplex is outside playing the banjo. Again. Seriously. And it’s barely above freezing out there. Time to hit the basement and get that shovel sharpened. Come children!

    ~Miss R

My Reno

Reno, Nevada downtown

Reno, Nevada. We both look better at night

After languishing in bed for a full 4 hours of sleep last night it was up and off to a waiting room full of desperate uninsured indigent to wait for a doctor’s appointment.
Yes, that would make me one of the above mentioned group.

First come first served (and boy do you get what you pay for) so it was a long-ass wait. For a short-ass visit.

On the way home I passed by the courthouse where I was treated to a group of fabulously bedecked women playing rhythm instruments and waving a sign proclaiming “Prom Queens for Peace!”
Earlier I’d driven through our neon strewn downtown, narrowly avoiding tourists, drunken businessmen, gamblers, Stephen Hawking in his souped-up Diet Coke-Menthos powered wheelchair and the resident homeless. Say, is that last an oxymoron? Anyway, prom dresses bedecking men and women with protest signs didn’t strike me as particularly odd.
Crosswalks and streetlights mean nothing in this town. Drive at your own peril my friends.

As a trip to the doc’s is normally depressing it seemed a fine idea to stop by Zephyr Books. This is a fairly new used book store located on Virginia and only a few blocks from my house. I was craving another Harry Crews book.
Nothing like a bit of seriously twisted southern gothic to cheer me up.

I asked the proprietor where to look and he directed me to the fiction section where, alas, there were no Crews books to be found. So I diligently looked for something else to cheer me up. Perhaps John Fante, Bukowski, or Augusten Burroughs.
Seems I’m going through a fiction phase right now. I vacillate between this genre and the physics and science tomes. Depends on my mood.
Doesn’t everything.

Well I did find Running with Scissors (recommended by my friend Rebecca) which cheered me up. I also found The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, which surprised me since I was about to order a new copy from Amazon this week. The latter was recommended by TK who is reading it now. 
So a bit of fiction and a bit of non-fiction in the mix for this week.
It’s a nifty bookstore. Check it out.

This afternoon it was time to get out of the house again. The sun came out even though the fucking Reno afternoon winds are blowing. I took a walk around my new neighborhood. A strange mix similar to my old place. Immaculately kept Craftsmen homes from the 1920’s next to unkempt 1930’s bungalows next to beautiful brick homes built anywhere from 1910 to the mid 1940’s.
It’s pretty cool. There’s so much to look at if you have an eye for architecture and, well, life in general.

The reason I was able to take a walk was that damned wind. I was supposed to be out on the Reno Chicken Cam Project.
Suffice to say that it involves Nino (one of the other Producers from the TV station where I used to work), similar video mavens, and of course a live chicken fitted with a harness and wireless video cam.
The shoot was supposed to start downtown in front of the El Cortez (a hotel and peculiar bar) at 4:00 and move on from there.
I got an email informing me that the possibility of the chicken literally being blown down the street may put a damper on the project. So, shooting was cancelled for today.

That brings us to right now; where I sit at my desk listening to Joe Jackson, an American Spirit burning in the ashtray, beverage of choice at hand and typing this treatise. I gotta tell you that tomorrow may not bring me as many glimpses into Life in Reno.
Unless I leave the house.

~Miss R

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

Yes but how about fat, drunk stupid and ugly?
I came across a news article today posted on the Forbes website. It lists the most obese cities in the U.S. with photos. The images take a while to wide-load. –Rimshot–.
 
What got me thinking was that there was an article last week about the U.S. city with the ugliest people. If memory severs correctly it was Philadelphia.
I have no idea why. You know, I was born at the Naval Hospital in Philly, although in my defense (oh god get the paper bag!) the military moved our family to Bethesda before I was a year old. Hmmmm a case of tertiary ugliness perhaps. But I digress.

According to the article Memphis ranks number one. Bummer dudes. Must be all of those peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

So this tangent started as a requiem for Thanksgiving.
Just so you’re all aware I did my part to include Reno in the Forbes survey. Sadly the gluttony quotient was not enough to nudge Memphis out of fist place. I’m thinking that we have got to be close though. Have you ever been to West Second Street Bar on the weekends? Holy Christ Batman. Tub o’ Lard galore.
Why Reno? Another question for the ages.
It’s not as if this is a totally sedentary place to live.
Hell, some of the best skiing in the world is within a 30 minute drive (love it. do it. check). Two fabulous lakes for swimming are within a 45 minutes drive including pristine Lake Tahoe (love it. do it. check). The Riverwalk is a fabulous p[lace to walk, jog and bike (love it. do it. check) and there are myriad other trails and back country trails and hikes as well.
I didn’t climb Mt. Rose this year but last year was a kick-ass hike.

Oh sure you could sit on your ass at a slot machine all day. Drink 24/7 in any bar or casino 365 days a year and never see the light of day. Hey, maybe you work an office job and feel deprived on your off hours… so you’re even more slothful than Miss R.
Difficult to believe but possible.

So why is Reno so, well obese is such a harsh word, but hell… morbidly and grotesquely fat?
Not everyone. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I suppose there are hella more cities than us to take the cake.
And eat it.

Hell I’m no Barbie. I’m not even Skipper. Actually I’m Skipper’s mom with an extra 15 pounds distributed in a gravity torn direction.
Still.
I Did eat too much on Thanksgiving.
Why Santa Claus Why?

In fact I was friggin miserable by the time I got home from a fabulous Misfit Holiday Day and Dinner. I could blame the hosts but promised not to. Dammit Amanda. You made me promise not to blame you. Evil wench!
This despite hours of amusement playing video Jeopardy (Oooh there was even a question about Boolean algebra!), surfing the net (geeks geeks geeks) and generally laughing and chatting.

It’s the piecing and picking at the goodies all day. Feta stuffed olives, Prosciutto, sharp cheese, pepper cheese, spinach dip, crispy bread, veggies, red olives, two other kinds of dip, three kinds of crackers, salami, German wines, German beers, coffee and all manner of soda aplenty.
Of course then there was dinner…
50 pounds of meat including a deep fried turkey, spiral sliced glazed ham and a wonderful roast turkey  –seriously folks-, sweet potato bake, mashed taters, gravy, fresh rolls, cranberries, stuffing, three pies…
At what point is it rude to simply cease eating and lay on your host’s couch like a goddamned lump?
Well I don’t know because I already had a food hangover and was home by 6:00 that night.

As I lay on my bed miserably contemplating the long walk requisite for the following morning I realized that I had been right along.
Food is fun.
Food is good
Food is comforting
Food is an addiction

Oh yeah two more things:
Ugly is subjective; dress provocatively and take care with your make-up
You can work that lard off too ‘ya damned Reno fatties.

Happy Holidays

The Curvy, Voluptuous yet not Obese Miss R

Currently listening:
We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank
By: Modest Mouse
Release date: 20 March, 2007