Response from my Slumlord

July 27, 2007

Dear R.C. Black-Raven,

It is always a pleasure to hear from our clients! We here at Shoenberger & Shoenberger have amassed a large data base of letters just like your and have enabled out staff to look up issues by type, location and even by tenant.

Goldstar (the parent company of Shoenberger and Shoenberger and a subsidiary of Warner Brothers Television) is a fine brand of Air Recirculation unit met to be used in a small camping tent or other enclosed space. The placement it your apartment was met to increase air circulation on the outside of the unit to increase the drying time of the buildings siding after watering.
The whirring noise you here is actually an artificial sound generated to inform inspectors that the unit is on and running properly. The “smoke” serves the same role but in a visual manner so as to conform to the Americans with Disabilities Act.

We are always happy to answer any and all questions made by our tenants in hops of developing a clear and consistent dialogue between ourselves and out legal counsel.

In answer to your question regarding the painting of the building, we must advise you to not, under any circumstances to come into direct contact with the actual external “paint” of the building. The “paint” layer currently on the building was bought 20 years ago from our supplier in the former Soviet Union and was initially intended as a barrier for the inside of the Peoples Nuclear Reactor number 19. The “paint” contains a very high lead count and several other agents that have been shown to cause cancer of an unknown type in laboratory animals and political “test subjects”. If you are coming into contact with chips or dust from the paint please go to a health care provider as soon as possible. If you decide on your own accorded to scrape the “paint” please do not use any metal tools as this could result in a reaction that has been deemed catastrophic by several government agencies including the EPA, the NSA, FBI and CIA. That said if you were to remove and dispose of the “paint” we could offer you a discount in rent in the amount totaling 3% of your rent. We will not be able to cover any medical expenses or death benefits as a resulting in your decision to handle the “paint”.

Your concern about the condition of the parking lot has been noted in our database. Please be advised that though the parking lot is in a transitional phase from asphalt to the more eco-friendly and socially acceptable dirt lot we can not be held responsible for any damages that may or may not be a result of debris that may or may not be in the lot.

The yellow jackets that you speak off are imaginary. There is simply no creature on the planet that can live for more than a few hours after being in direct contact with the “paint” on the side of the building.

Please feel free to use any of the items that are left from previous tenants for your enjoyment. We are pleased to keep on site not only spare carpeting for repairs but furniture that could be of use to our more impoverished tenants. We are always happy to have an inventory update and will quickly restock the broken flower pot and aluminum cans that appear to have been used in some manner by tenants for a reason other than the aesthetic value for which there were originally placed. If you do start a small business selling candy and memorabilia on site you must acquire a local business permit and submit to Shoenberger and Shoenberger a profit-sharing agenda.

Your flowers are alive? We will speak to LittleOleMan about this today and have the issue rectified.

Shoenberger & Shoenberger
1665 Lakeside Drive Suite 102
Reno, NV. 89509

I confess. This isn’t the real response. It appeared as a comment by my great friend John Geiger.

The original piece ‘Letter to My Slumlord was published simultaneously on my mirror site ,which shall remain nameless because it’s really fucking embarrassing.  This comment is from that posting. It’s funny and deserves its own page. Thanks John. Wherever you are
FYI: the dig at Warner Brothers is there because I was working for The Frog.The Warner Brothers Frog