An Honest Resume

RESUME

R. C. Black

Position Desired: Anything that involves a lax working environment, Merlot, regular breaks, and complete anonymity
Salary Desired: 60K a year starting is acceptable OR you could pay my phone and electric before it’s shut off on Friday. Either one’s good.

Qualifications:
Piss poor writer with a compelling need to break all rules of grammar which were enforced during college English and writing classes. Mediocre musician with a specialty for ragtime which is of great value if you are making a period film circa 1905 to 1925.
Works well with others by smiling and nodding and then going home at night to create intricate voodoo dolls of the people who have pissed me off.
Ten years of experience in web design which no one in their right mind would pay for. 
Adept at wrecking HTML, JavaScript, CSS, ASP and DHTML.
Extensive experience with PhotoShop; forte is replacing faces on porn star bodies with the people at work who have pissed me off. Then posting them on my blog.
Ten years experience in finance and banking which allows me to gloat when management cannot compute the quarterly budget.
Can barely operate a typewriter but can spew forth sarcasm and sadness with equal fervor when cornered.
Unable to maintain a relationship which is a boon for an employer. No worries about potential  bad feelings between co-workers!

Experience:

KREN TV
Executive Producer of Online Media.

Cruising Youtube and Fark.com while wasting the station’s money with the rest of the production crew making self-serving and satiric videos for the web. Fucking off a lot. Re-designing the station website because it sucked ass. Yea verily. Agitating management. Voice-overs.

CABIN FEVER and DAMNEDGAMES.COM
Owner

Retail bizarre games, toys and puzzles. A waste of 10 years of my life. Lost everything I worked for in the divorce. Malcom Forbes cut me from his last party the bastard. Successful e-commerce site which is also gone. Management of all employees most of whom were drugged out college students and bitter housewives. My people.

Education:
BFA Music Performance 1982
Cal State Long Beach (utterly pathetic isn’t it)

Affiliations:
Alumni: Capistrano by the Sea Home for Cognitive Impairment
Mensa: I probably cheated to get in because I’m a fucking genius

Amazingly Compelling Reasons To Hire Me

My Resume


  • I’m now wombless so will never take maternity leave.
  • You’ll never catch me screwing around on company time. I’m too fucking smart to get caught.
  • My work will be completed way before deadline. I won’t burden you with this knowledge though. How else will there be time to keep up with personal correspondence?
  • I get along with everyone. Even those I secretly loathe.
  • Being clean and sober for more than 10 years virtually guarantees I’ll never call in sick on a Monday or Friday.
  • I make an amusing decorative piece.
  • The Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a Free Bonus. Do you have any idea of how much this contributes to a skillfully designed graphic, snippet of web code, review, column, script, storyboard or production design?
  • My creativity and ingenuity will surprise you. Maybe not in a good way either.
  • If my child is sick or out of school she can bloody well stay home alone. I’d rather be working with you than suffering through the horrors of teen-age hell.
  • My ragtime and stride piano playing will wow you. Maybe you should purchase a piano for the break room and let me spend most of the day in there.
  • We are out of fresh food, gas for the car, Nicorette, money to pay Sierra Pacific, AT&T and the landlord. Do you think it’s cheap supporting a Nicorette habit? Hell, crack is probably less expensive.
  • I really am funny ha-ha and funny strange
  • My successful business acumen and marketing strategies are undeniable. It is only in romantic dealings that I bankrupt.
  • You’ll enjoy my dynamic voice-over work and I promise to eschew any scripts which call for vocalizing the words dog or always. You can take the girl out of Brooklyn

    My last entrepreneurial endeavor
    included owning an espresso bar. 
     Behold my Latte Art heart.

    Cabin  Fever Latte


  • Re-Writing a resume is becoming tedious.
  • A complete and utter distaste for viable real-world skills

Resume Available on Request! yes seriously

Currently listening: Say You Will By: Fleetwood Mac Release date: 15 April, 2003