So You Wanna Know About Reno!

Reno: The Biggest Little City In The World

It’s very important that you know the Weather Forecast for Reno.  Luckily there are only two seasons!
Winter: Six months of bone-chilling cold, snow, five layer (clothing) dip and an unavoidable wish to die.
Summer: Six months of skull melting heat from that big shiny hurty thing in the sky, literally cooking eggs on the sidewalk, foxtails, ants and an unavoidable wish to die.

Hell, I’m not only a resident but a correspondent. Well used to be the latter.
The –redacted- Network had cretinous people that actually Paid Cash Money for text weather updates. This was the most boring and mind numbing facet of an otherwise kick-ass job. So, the asshats who couldn’t be bothered to look out the window in the morning would get a text advising that day’s weather.

Okay, for six months it’s fucking hot and sunny. For six months it’s fucking cold and/or snowing. Only had about 35 characters to work with so you can imagine the excitement of these mass texts. One day my mind went. On a July day sent out to thousands of subscribers ‘Hot. 90% Chance of Snow. High 135F. Low -65F’
Thank god my boss had a sense of humor. Seems a few people were actually confused and called in.

Second: Reno’s Economy

Reno Foreclosure Fun

Frankie, Dean and Sammy played the casinos here in Reno. Frankie owned a portion of one.
There was a Flamingo, Sands, two Hiltons, Hyatt, Fitzgeralds, and all of the originals that are no longer here.
Well some are here. Most of the others have been bulldozed or decaying on the strip.
Thanks to the northern California Indian casinos and utter Idiocy of the City of Reno.

Third:Average People of Reno

In late August there’s a world famous annual art event and temporary community in the desert outside of town..
Come October the citizens who couldn’t get tickets set fire to the city.

Fourth: Modest Mouse

One of the best heart-wrenching videos ever was filmed here.

Tune in later for Part Two: So You Wanna Know about Las Vegas; that other city in Nevada

~Miss R

listening to: Bette Midler; Radio City Music Hall Live 2004

Murder! Mayhem! Sex! Free Beer!

I am so full of crap. Great headline though eh?
This is my “I am Bored and All Alone in Reno Birthday Survey”.

Please do steal and re-work it for your own glee and amusement.
I did.

you need a bat to the side of your head

Tired of all of those surveys made up by dumb and/or degenerate
high school kids?

How about one made up by a dumb and/or degenerate adult?

50 questions for the people who are a tad older

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Car insurance. Those blood suckers

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Um….. it’s been months and months. Probably TK’s house.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
Who says I’m not a virgin? Sheesh. Lies and whispers I tell ‘ya.

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
Marrying Lucky Ex-husband Number Two. That dickhead.
Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Abraham Lincoln

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sitting on a beach in the sun reading a book while simultaneously being felt up by a hot erotic man. Oh yeah, since this is fantasy I’m drinking a glass of champagne as well.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A pathologist or a movie star

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Two; graduated from the second. could n longer afford the first.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
What shirt?

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
Oh they’re too low. I must pay more.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
Somewhere warm with the ocean nearby… South America maybe

I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Thank god that was a dream –shudder-. Nightmares are my life.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
It’s cold in here and who stole my life?

14. Favorite underwear?
none

15. Favorite thing about the opposite sex?
eyes

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
cleaning up after other people i.e. my kid

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Sure. For CIA pharmacological experiments.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Well that depends if I actually sleep at all

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
George Bush

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy /girl?
That is potentially the stupidest question I’ve ever come across. Pardon the terminology.

21. Have you found real love yet?
I did but of course I’m an idiot romantic

22. When did you first start feeling old?
In the early 90’s when I realized that my vinyl collection far outnumbered my CD collection

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Unbaptized small child. Medium rare.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
An empty wallet

26. Beach or lake?
Beach.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No. I just have a steep learning curve

28. Do you own property?
Technically my daughter is chattel and not property

29. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
Oh yeah I’m gonna post that.

31. What’s your drink?
Club Soda and Bitters. Shaken not stirred.
32. Cowboys or Indians?
Huh? What happened to ‘grown-up survey?’

33. Cops or Robbers?
I always played the Serial Killer. Strangely there is no one around to confirm this

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
Hank Stratton. He was my best friend, which brings me to a favorite joke:
Why did god invent fat girls? So little gay boys would have friends.

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
KRZQ or NPR. Don’t remember.

36. Norm or Cliff?
Norm. Cliff was not amusing just dumb. The same reason I’ve always detested I Love Lucy.

37. Grey’s or The Office?
Neither. Dexter or 60 Seconds to Disaster

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
That should read mistakes plural, this is not an essay and I am not Dostoevsky

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
You mean the cat?

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Dead? Dorothy Parker. Living? Harlan Ellison.

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
For what –raises eyebrows- ?

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
In 1982. Into a tree off of Laguna Canyon Highway. Driving my ’76 Camero. At 50+ MPH. Good times.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Well it wasn’t really me, it was the driver in car in front of me. On the 91 freeway in the middle of the desert coming back from Palm Springs. Seems the engine was on fire. Damned disposal Hyundai

44. Last book you read?
The Lost by Daniel Mendelsohn. An account of the author’s search for family members who were killed by the Nazis in Poland. It’s funny, sad, intriguing and suspenseful.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
Hell no.

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
The front yard. I don’t think that this is so strange though.

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
Camping along the Russian River

48. Do you go to church?
What is this ‘church’ you speak of?

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Funny you should mention that as I have neither

50. How old are you?
19 or 39. I can’t remember…..Steely Dan or Jack Benny

Currently listening:
Small World Big Band
By: Jools Holland & His Rhythm & Blues Orchestra
Release date: 18 December, 2001

-NOTE- This was originally posted in 2007, and answers reflect that time in our/my glorious history. In particular I was 12 years sober, still had retirement accounts, and had not yet sprouted a gray hair; the Demon Seed was not yet into the full tilt boogie evil teen mode. Seems as though nothing else has changed.
Thanks to Max for re-posting this and reminding me. See her answers to my eccentric survey at the previous link.

Oh. my birthday is  actually November 12. Gift registry available at any Dollar Store near you.

N is for Neurosis

Kurt Vonnegut -neurotic

Kurt -The Ultimate Neurotic.
Caricature courtesy of artist Kathryn Rathke

Listening to Joe Sample right now, after an earfest of Sinatra. I’m doing an El Guapo here. Posting this late afternoon’s musical choices that is.
Not to be confused with ‘listening similar to’ El Guapo.
EG and Tony: don’t tell Mrs. Guapo

Anyway, tertiary is my middle name. Except this post is N for Neurotic. Ergo, all theorems proved by scientific method; see paragraph above. Same results in pristine laboratory settings (the living room and office) or your kitchen.

Neurosis runs (gallops, bobsleds, careens, bucks…you get the picture) through the family. Being a lifelong over-achiever I’m appointed the poster child for the Black clan.

Go ahead and get married, have the last name of an ex-hubby, change your name legally. The Black curse is upon you all Buahahahaha. –stops for water and takes Xanax-.

Okay, back now. Here are the three main criteria for getting your familial Neurosis on:

  1. Nature: Are you and/or your family subject to any of the following DSM certified symptoms?

a)      Eating Disorders

b)      Bi-Polar

c)      Eccentricity

d)     Black ™ Sheep Family Syndrome

             2. Nurture: Are you and/or your family involved in any of the following professions?

a)      Psychology

b)      Psychiatry (three thumbs up here!)

c)      Waste Management Disposal (+2 if your surname ends with ‘I’ or is similar to the range below Falsetto…)

d)     Addiction Specialization (social workers, AA ashtray cleaning, nursing, dealer –either here in a Nevada casino or located at the local street corner-)

    3. Intelligence/Talent?

a)      Off the charts Mensa 1%er IQ?

b)      Savant i.e. dumb as a box of hair taped up but able to play an oboe in tune

c)      Genius IQ AND musical/photographic/acting/writing/amazing artistic ability

d)     Tap dancing even though Ed Sullivan is still dead

Well faithful readers how do you score? On the test. Not with the opposite (or same) sex.

Years of intensive research have led me to this simple questionnaire. Combined with years of psychiatry, therapy, analysis, medication, hospitalization, straightjackets (oh hell that was a club in San Fransisco nevermind)  and obsessive reading/learning skills. Damn. Reminds me. Forgot to list OCD up there with the ‘Nature’ answers.

Conclusion: Fuck Piaget.

See Online Merriam Webster definition for Neurosis below.
Have left out the pronunciation guideline because if you are reading this you know how to pronounce it.

Neurosis: a mental and emotional disorder that affects only part of the personality, is accompanied by a less distorted perception of reality than in a psychosis, does not result in disturbance of the use of language, and is accompanied by various physical, physiological, and mental disturbances (as visceral symptoms, anxieties, or phobias)

neurotic facebook

Bah humbug. I got ‘yer solution right here. Closer to the Holmes 7% Solution than any meds on the market. Don’t ask me how I know this.

Dr. Rachee Black (I play one on TV, parties and stayed at a Holiday Inn Express) recommends a minimum of 2 G&T’s per evening. Xanax bid or as needed. Some days none are indicated. Those are the days that begin with S; for Somnolence. Watch this Space for upcoming definitions!

*This study may be affected by pharmaceutical US costs, physician co-pay amounts and general degradation professed towards any person suffering from anything BUT admitted Neurosis. Once again, not that I’d know.

Cheers!

~Miss R

 

-addendum: iPod just switched to Elliot Smith; Miss Misery is the first track. Gotta love being in synchronicity with life, the universe and everything. Say isn’t Towel Day coming up?

 

Steak, Asparagus and the Band Next Door

First you’re probably wondering how an Executive Urban Hobo such as myself came to be eating steak and asparagus. No not ‘steak and vegetable ‘food product.’ The real deal.

Well, after receiving the obscene amount of a monthly stipend from SSD it’s time for grocery shopping. Asparagus on sale at $1.88 and two tiny filets wrapped in bacon for $3.97. I don’t purchase anything that isn’t on sale. Hear that Red? –grin-.

Aw, downsizing from Balducci’s and A&P bites heh.

Yes it was a splurge but we here at YoYo-Dyne have put on considerable weight after winning a huge loss after last’s year’s surgery. A tasty splurge.

Back to tuna, cheap ground beef and a bag of frozen chicken breasts to make the rest of the month. Oh how I’d love some fish..mmmmm fishies!

F’ing low carb diet is expensive on my ‘salary’ and a pain in the ass to prepare in the 45F kitchen at night.

Back to the topic. Slight derailment after speaking of a tasty meal. Uh huh.

Fell into a stupor after said tasty meal to be awakened by…The kids next door.

Have mentioned on prior occasion that I live in an old 1928 (drafty, impossible to heat, scary and dangerously wired, big-ass with the requisite spooky enormous basement) duplex. The architecture and lay-out make up for it, I assure you. In the Fall and Spring.

My neighbors are all members of a band. Actually two bands. One’s a sort of Rockabilly. the other Punk. Have played in other bands with two of the neighbors, when we practiced in my basement. Our lead singer and guitarist used to live in this place.

Now their bands practice in their basement. More fried-to-a-crisp electrical cords, small electrical fires and fuse blow-outs on their side now. Told you, this place is old and the circuits prevent the use of a toaster (or space heater) or practice Peavy amp use at the same time. It’s all fun and games until you’re outside in your bathrobe/fleecy sweats and T-Shirt in the snow, at the back of the house, at 7:00 am in 12F weather outside in snow because your Demon Seed is  home from college and uses the microwave and two lamps at the same time..

Second Derail Apology:  This means I can hear everything up from the floor and through the walls when it’s practice time; which sucks on Sunday morning I can tell ‘ya.

They put up with the concert grand piano,  MIC’d vocals, and occasional jam session in the living room on my side so it works out. Yes, we DO blow the damned circuits in the living room too. I blame my bass player friends.

Who doesn’t?

From my nommy stupor tonight I hear a new tune (for best acoustics the bathroom is highly recommended; you can hear the trumpet and banjo far more clearly). These guys play all originals, in both bands. Caught my ear tonight with the sounds of a fave Old 97’s tune ‘Wont’ Be Home’

Dig this tune. Also dig my sleep. It did compel me to make a cocktail though and wake up. Whoop. Can be up all night tonight. Just as well actually.

About 300 blog notifications again…behind. That’s the least of the nasty news today so in reality the tune made my day.

So a shout-out to The Kids Next Door. And their 5 peeps packed into a two bedroom ancient duplex, basement electrical smoke, other tasty smelling smoke, and smiling, wonderful companionship on warm summer nights sharing the porch..

Back to your regularly scheduled madness.

~Miss R

Annual Gluttonous Genocide Gala!

Or as we call it here in the U.S….. Thanksgiving!

rocky horror thanksgiving

I plan on celebrating with a Marie Calendar’s Pot Pie (not that kind of pot.  Just as well as there are no Doritos or Mountain Dew in the house), a few Frescas and later something stronger. Something a lot stronger. That originates in Ireland. Reminds me, there are a few beers in the fridge.
Hold on. Be right back.

Ah, that’s better. So readers eat, drink, be merry. Or if you’re Eddie Izzard be Mary -rim shot-.
For any seriously moronic people get some sleep in too.. you’ll need it. After all, come  Midnight you’ll be in line at Wal-Mart or Macy’s waiting to save that 25 cents on socks!

Miss my daughter but she’ll have a good day with her dad and old friends from High School. I plan on a good day as well.

So let’s all bless our country’s founders, their unswerving commitment to eradicating all of the indigenous people, and of course that greatest of American traditions: A parade!
Wait that’s not it. Over-Eating! yep that’s the phrase.

Pro-tip: Now is the perfect time of year to take up a new hobby. I personally recommend Bulimia.
Easy to learn, a lifetime to master.

Happy Thanksgiving!

~Miss R

Welcome to Reno! Home of the Homeless!

Reno: Biggest Little City in the World

As usual all things Reno, Nevada interest me. Many times they disgust, amuse, nauseate and confuse me as well. Reno has been my home for six years. Investigating the city has proven far less taxing than digging up the backyard. For body disposal. The neighborhood children dig me –no pun intended- because they get to play in the dirt and use the big rusty shovels while their parents are all still at work. It’s for the kids!

Anyway, there is apparently some kind of depression going on in the country. So I thought it would be interesting (disgusting, amusing nauseating and confusing) to see what Reno has to offer YOU.

Besides being an hour away from fabulous skiing, boasting the Truckee River with   great swimming and kayaking, and a host of (dying) Casinos.

Let’s go!

1.      We have fewer foreclosed homes than Las Vegas

2.      Nevada’s budget gap is worst in nation – next year’s revenues will pay for only 45% of this year’s budget. Reno will be Number One in receiving less funds.

    3.      Reno is only 20 minutes from the state capitol, Carson City. This is where the governor’s mansion and capitol building reside. Our last governor spent an average of less than 12 days out of every nine weeks in Carson City. He spent most of his time in Las Vegas. When he did come to town he was consistently caught with strippers and other high class women. Come on isn’t this great? Would you want a politician spending all of his time so close to you? I’m pretty sure his wife was happy. 

    4.      Reno is projected to have The Worst housing market in the US and has been voted one of the Thirteen National Housing Markets that will never recover. This was posted on Business Insider. Don’t worry. Las Vegas is listed as well. Go Nevada!

    5.      Nevada is Number One in unemployment. I’d like to personally thank Reno for their part in encouraging fast food franchises and chain stores, while taxing the living hell out of start-up businesses. Don’t ask me how I know this.

    6.      Reno WAS the divorce capital of the world. Damn. We lost this one in the 60’s.

    7.      It is against the law in Reno to place a bench in the middle of the street. Yes this is still on the books and a fine law it is.

    8.      Burning Man. Need I say more. Actually, this is the only positive thing I could find to place on this list.

    9.      Reno is the original home of the Harrah’s gambling empire. This means we’re Number One in helping instigate the formation of Gamblers Anonymous.

    10.

    Well the guy who lives next to me in my duplex is outside playing the banjo. Again. Seriously. And it’s barely above freezing out there. Time to hit the basement and get that shovel sharpened. Come children!

    ~Miss R

Terrorism in Reno

bombs. they go boom.

It’s not often I tackle a serious subject, but the time has come.
Said some Walrus.

Let’s talk about terrorism.

The kind that hits home. It affects YOU.

It could be instigated by a Muslim. A Christian. A Jew.  A Godless Atheist. Even a Hindu. BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

Make no mistake my friends, the enemy is out there. They are trained in warfare of a painful and cruel nature. Years of training and their target will be any innocent bystander. These ‘people’ all have one thing in common: Your suffering and their glee… and paycheck.

Yes! These are the Physical Terrorists recommended by your friendly personal care physician. A visit to Doctor NiceDude doesn’t seem so great once you’ve been put on the hitlist.

Oh sure, the sign at the clinic says Physical Therapist but we really know what’s going on. Therapist? Dear god it’s even phonetically similar to Terrorist. Watch for a series on a Glenn Beck show soon.

Trust me. I’ve already notified Fox. Never mind the restraining order that was just served to me today.  Signed by one of Glenn Beck’s minions. Ha. Clearly a Fox lackey wants credit for this story.

There’s a pain in my back. Hell there’s a pain in my ass too but I divorced both of them. (a little humor to keep the secret government agencies off of my back.)

A Doc sent me to a doc who sent me to a neurosurgeon who sent me to… The Terrorists.

Americans wake up! The AMA accredited Neurosurgeons in this country are in league with the Physical Terrorist organizations.

Do they arrive unannounced? Planting a strap, exercise ball (it’s a big blue bomb not a big blue ball), weights (which look suspiciously like pipe bombs) or propaganda? Leaving them unattended in your mailbox? Where CHILDREN could access them? NO.

It’s far more insidious. They ‘prescribe’ and send you to your own doom. Then come at you with their ‘exercises,’ stretches, walks though ghetto areas of town and threats of more surgery if you are not compliant.

Fight back America! I for one will stand up against this national threat. As long as the surgery doesn’t prevent me from doing so.

~Miss R

it’s hammer time

Okay first there’s the matter of the hammer to address.
Everyday I go out back to the porch for a smoke and see this hammer on the roof.



It’s been at least a month since the neighbor has worked on the garage and I’m thinking ‘Doesn’t he wonder where the hell that hammer went?’

Maybe in the Spring when he paints the building he’ll find it.
Of course by that time his son will have already been ass-whupped for borrowing dad’s tools and not replacing them.

Anyway let’s move along shall we?
I was recently informed of a few faults that I needed to correct.
Who knew?!

1. My vocabulary is apparently not up to snuff. The precise appraisal directed at me was “Do you think that you can keep from saying ‘fuck’ when we go in?”

Ummmm….. no. I don’t think so.
Not say ‘fuck’? Might as well ask me to wear a color other than black, or show respect for elected leaders or even write a song about cute little puppies, happy children and rainbows.
Sorry.
Fucking rainbows.

2. My skirts are too short.

Once again who knew. My legs are still great so what the hell?
They’re not covered in varicose veins, nor are they chubby or sporting hirsute growth. I was informed that it is unseemly for a woman my age to wear skirts that short.
I’m going to take it under consideration.
When I turn 75.

3. It’s really bad for my feet and spine to wear high heels.

Get outta town! That’s amazing. Considering that every woman I know has deformed little pinkie toes, back-aches after a night out dancing and spends an inordinate amount of time making sure that she looks good this would never have occurred to me. Tell you what I’m gonna do: Promise to never wear stiletto heels higher than 8″.
Not counting the platform.

4. My diet is unhealthy

This is a vicious lie. My diet is exceptionally healthy in comparison to:
a) my deranged vegetarian teenager
b) 85% of the American people
c) an African child on a late-night infomercial

Since when is a pot of coffee, Dreyers fruit bar and dry cereal a deleterious daily menu? Gah some people are just cretins.

5. Cigarettes and Nicorette are bad for me

Oh please. There’s no proof that nicotine raises blood pressure and ciggies contribute to lung cancer! Why I….
Nevermind.

There you have it. Some astute (read: myopic) outside observations about my deficiencies.
I’m pretty sure you all know how closely I’ll take these helpful criticisms to heart.
Now please excuse me while I put on my favorite FMPs, have a smoke while gazing at a forlorn hammer and contemplate kicking someone’s fucking ass.

~The Invariably Altruistic and Benevolent Miss R

Currently listening:
Plans
By: Death Cab for Cutie
Release date: 30 August, 2005

Stephen Hawking is a Fucking Crybaby

This morning I’m sitting outside on the deck, as the sun comes up over the mountains, cup of coffee in hand. Living at 6000 ft is a high.
Being your typical girl my thoughts turn to sound waves and the principles of Van Eck phreaking.
The concept is simple: using radio waves to literally see the screen of another computer user’s CRT.

Here’s a brief explanation from WikiPedia so it’s fairly crap:

Information that drives the video display takes the form of high frequency electrical signals. These oscillating electric currents create electromagnetic radiation in the RF range. These radio emissions are correlated to the video image being displayed, so in theory they can be used to recover the displayed image.My brain was having a problem comprehending the exact mechanisms for this.
So I decided to call Stephen Hawking.

“Steve! It’s Rachael. Get your lazy bragging wheel-chair bound ass out of bed.”
All I can hear on the other end of the phone is a bunch of flopping and thudding.
Jesus. It’s not as if the guy needs his damned beauty sleep. What does he do all day but sit on his ass?

After a moment I hear “Rachael? What time is it? 6:30 in the morning?”
Except I hear it in that stupid machine voice with all the annoying clicks from that damned box he uses.

For all I know he’s pissed but really who cares. It’s not like he’s got a fucking hike scheduled this afternoon.

I explain my questions about the Van Eck phreaking theory. Sometimes Steve is sorta slow up the uptake so I use really little words.

Before I’m halfway through he starts whining about the last time he was over at my house; he’s still holding a grudge after I filled those ten Diet Coke Bottles with Menthos, attached them to the back of his wheelchair, and sent him blasting off into traffic on South Virginia Street.
It’s not as if an accident is going to incapacitate him. Hell he’s already a crip. Jesus dude get over it.

Anyway, after he gets his shit together and back on track I ask why a computer, which is not a radio last time I checked, is emitting radio signals.
Stephen explains that it’s all a consequence of computers being binary (everything is run on transitions from zero to one and back again).
Computer bits are achieved by regulating back and forth from 0 volts (representing binary 0) to 5 volts (representing binary 1). This manifests as a square wave. Grab an old physics textbook off the shelf if you don’t remember what one of these looks like. I’ll wait.

Okay? Well, it seems that in reality these square waves are not ‘perfect’. In other words they don’t have the nice sharp angles and flat lines shown in books. So now take that goddamned textbook and throw it against the wall. I’ll wait.
Right.

Actually the waves have interference in them, even though they jump from 0 to 5 with rapidity. So the square wave actually has lots of really tiny peaks and valleys (smaller waves in the larger square wave) and the lines are not literally flat, straight or exact at all. They look like a kindergartner drew them. Or Stephen.

The little tiny peak and valley waves are called ‘ringing’.This ‘ringing’ between the actual binary numbers resonate within the circuitry of the computer. Since it’s bouncing around looking for a value it emits electromagnetic waves.
Ah ha.

“So Steve what you’re saying is that this resonating turns every wire and metal cable in the computer into a kind of radio transmitter? That whenever the computer is on it’s sending out radio wave emissions?”
“Yes” click click. It sounds like the bastard is gargling with fucking tacks.

I asked The Gimp-Meister how a person determined which emissions represented the signals from the screen hardware and screen buffer. After all if every ringing is being emitted that’s a hell of a lot of information and most of it has got to be just noise.
Steve said that there are very few predictable signals but one of them is the ticks of the CRT monitor reading horizontal and vertical retrace intervals. Note: that last refers to the way a CRT scans the screen to retrieve information from the screen buffer. Go look it up yourself. I can’t do everything. Sheesh.

The bottom line is that by isolating the radio signal pattern from the CRT a person could literally see, on their own computer CRT, what was on the desktop of someone else.
Oh god I’d better not tell Tinfoil Hat Guy Web Client about this. Aiiiii.

Now you have to realize that this conversation took for-fucking-ever what with Steve whacking on his voice keyboard and me constantly saying “What? What? I can’t understand you Dude. Can’t you enunciate for goddsake?!”


The point is that I now have a better understanding of Van Eck phreaking.
Sadly, being just a girl, I’m not certain that my sophomoric explanation can impart this idea to you. Hopefully it can.
It’s pretty damned cool.
Too bad my curiosity doesn’t pay the bills. Stephen probably would have offered to let me stay with him a while except he’s broke right now.
Something about buying a new wheelchair after crashing his into a parked car on South Virginia Street.

Steve. Lighten up. Have a Coke and a smile.

~Miss R

Currently listening:
Tale Spinnin’ [LP Vinyl]
By: Weather Report

Release date: 1975

Sunday Jazz

I almost didn’t walk over to the Sands tonight for jazz.
Great band too. The Ron Star Quintet.
Yet I did!

If He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named were there then he could perhaps believe I was stalking him. I don’t want that. I still care for him of course.

I do want to listen to music though.
If only there were more hours in the day. Between writing stream of consciousness crap, attempting to play the piano, checking my fading tan and meds, working on the last portions of Tinfoil Hat Client’s site, grieving, isolating and hanging on the cross there’s not a minute left for serious stalking.

The Sands is not that far, maybe two miles max.
Just that in heels, even small-summer-sandal-short ones it can be trying and the threat of blisters looms large. There’s a reason for the risk though:
Heels make your ass look just a bit higher and of course if you have good legs (my only attractive physical feature) then wearing flats is just plain stupid. I’m feeling pretty horrible about myself lately and anything but attractive, so even the small fix of heeled sandals can make my step a bit lighter.
Oh yeah I also suffer from White Girl Syndrome. No junk in the trunk. No booty. Heels have gotta help.

The music was fabulous last night. The trumpet player was amazing as was the keyboardist. I’ll definitely make a point to see the Ron Star Quintet again.

Afterwards I went to Wingfield Park for an Artown piece by the Platt Brothers. The park is on the way home from the Sands.
Ummm I was not impressed with the show however and left before it was over. The park was full though. Lots of people with their lawn chairs, all ages, colors and economic strata represented. The sun was going down and the clouds were glorious in their shapes and rosy shades of color.

Lemme tell you about Steve or should I say Skeeve.

There’s this guy that I’d met before at one of the Sands Pool Parties, when I was there with TK (oh fuckit I can mention his name. This is my story after all).
Steve is a whack-job of extra-ordinary magnitude.
He hands TK and I his card and it says something along the lines of….. Author. Musician. Psychiatrist and World Traveler.
I shit you not. The guy is a walking ball of dull ego.
On that night he immediately starts to hit on me, while I’m sitting with TK. After we’d all chatted and listened to the band for a while he came to a startling conclusion.
TK was not gay. Duh. He quickly made his exit after that revelation.

So last night I arrive at the Sands, take off my iPod and throw it into my purse, grab something to drink and find a chair over to the side where I could just listen to the music.
After happily enjoying a great sax solo there appears directly in front of me… Steve.
“Where’s TK?” he says.
“I don’t know. He broke up with me.” I reply.
Now that was just fucking dumb on my part and you can see what’s coming right?
Memo to Self: Wear one of my old wedding rings the next time I go out anywhere.

So Steve sits down and starts in blah blah blah and I’m nodding and smiling the smile of a lobotomy patient and thinking the entire time ‘will you PLEASE just shut the fuck up and listen to the music.’
He didn’t though.

I got to hear ‘we have so much in common’ about 20 times, ‘are you hungry we can grab some dinner’ at least 5 times and ‘can I give you money for a drink’.
What the hell?!
Who does that? Can I give you money for a drink?
You freak of nature didn’t your parents teach you any manners?

What is wrong with me that I cannot simply say “you are an amazing example of an obtuse asshole. Now please go away.”
I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings and am a total chicken.

On the plus side I did get a ride to Wingfield Park with the idiot. We traded phone numbers when I left so he can ‘go over my resume’ and give me some tips, him not knowing I screen my calls.
I was happily at home alone before dark and made myself something to eat. Not before I threw away Skeeve’s phone number though.
Ugh.

How can a person go through life with the personality of a cement brick and absolutely no sense of humor, tact, rationale or sense of others? Add to this he’s not only mentally repugnant he is physically unattractive as well.
So I feel better about myself this morning. I can safely say… At least I’m not Steve.

He did bestow upon me food for a blog though.
Hey thanks Steve.

~Miss R

Letter to my Slumlord

July 26, 2007

Shoenberger & Shoenberger
1665 Lakeside Drive Suite 102
Reno, NV. 89509

Dear Sir or Madam,
I just want to thank you for your letter of June 13th advising me that you care enough to raise my rent.
The first sentence of your letter reads as follows:
“We hope that you are enjoying your new air conditioning unit” and continues with “in our effort to provide a pleasant environment with improvements to the property our costs have increased significantly…” etc. etc. etc. 

Jeepers. To think that my rent will increase based upon an AC unit which is too small to cool the room you installed it in, nevermind the entire apartment .

The mind reels. You are true givers.
After all, it’s a GOLDSTAR! The efficiency rating has to be, what? 1?
On a scale of 50 being the most efficient?

I can’t even turn the thing on without calling the fire department to contain the smoke from the whirring of the electric meter. The aesthetics are fascinating though. The remnant piece of unfinished plywood, randomly splashed with paint blotches of varying color, is an unusual addition. As you have installed this air conditioner in a sliding glass window the 3×4 foot board, with the jagged hole cut out to fit the unit,  makes an interesting statement. Both outside and inside my apartment.
I just have a couple of questions if that’s okay?

First, I’d like to know if this building is scheduled to be painted anytime within the next 10 years? It appears as though it was done 15 years ago and the chipping paint has made the purchase of face masks necessary. Can I deduct these from my rent?

Secondly: The parking lot is kind of frightening. I think that it might have been asphalt at one time but it could have been really filthy black dirt and rocks. Hard to tell. My car has suffered some dings from the debris kicking up and I would like to know if I could deduct the cost of these minor body repairs from my rent.

Third: The yellow jacket problem has become a nightmare. There is still a nest right outside my back door. The little fiends have taken up residence inside the phone box and are wreaking havoc on the back patio.
May I deduct the cost of the can of Raid wasp killer and anaphylactic shock kit from my rent? I’m allergic to wasps.

Speaking of the back patio there is still the matter of there not actually being a back patio.
When I moved in last summer I was advised that the old deck had just been torn out and a new one would be built.
It’s been a year and still no deck. Oddly enough there remain piles of crap left from previous tenants including but not limited to:
one used tire, one dilapidated 15 foot ladder, 3 pieces of a metal bed frame, a huge piece of outdoor carpeting which has been rotting in a pile for more than 6 months, and a proliferation of weeds that could start a brush fire of it’s own volition. I began to refer to the back area as Little Tijuana and by golly the neighbors have all taken up the appellation. You really have to see it to believe it. I was considering selling Chicklets and selling stuffed dead road-kill playing toy plastic instruments back there.

Only on the weekends though.

Let’s not forget the piles of leaves, plastic bags, old copies of the RNR and other junk which blow into the patio and which are never cleaned up or leaf-blown.
I would like to offer my services in the area of this clean-up project. If you would be willing to deduct the rake, hefty bags and labor from my rent.

Now about LittleOleMan. I’m not sure of his name but he seems to be the de facto maintenance man around here. You know the guy I’m talking about? Little? Old? Man?
He is trying to kill my flowers with his weekly fire hose jet spray of water at them.
Now I do realize that your company paid to have these few flowers planted. In fact by the end of last summer mine were the only ones still alive.
May I suggest watering 3 times a week? Without a fire hose?
I’d also be willing to take over this task for a slight reduction in my rent. I’ll even pull the proliferating weeds for no charge!

Well, as you said in your letter, I’d like to thank you for your understanding and I AM proud to be part of your ‘rental family’ as you so kindly refer to us.
Enclosed is my rent check in the amount of $17.89 which should cover my rent minus all of the above mentioned maintenance issues, damage and fire hazards.

Thank you again!
Sincerely,

R.C. Black-Raven
xxx La Rue Apt. X
Reno, NV 89509


 

Currently listening:
Ben Folds LIVE
By: Ben Folds
Release date: 08 October, 2002


 

SEE THE REPLY FROM MY SLUMLORD HERE!

Shiny Happy New Survey

alrighty then. there seems to be a miasma of despair and sadness on this blog of late. damned broken heart.
in any case i have decided to write a survey.
as well i should.
it’s cheery.
you’ll like it.

Confused? Perfect.

1. If you were to kill a man, horror movie style, which kitchen utensil would you use?
A salad shooter

2. Did you ever swallow a coin?
Nooooo

3. What was the worst gift you’ve ever received?
A 99 cent package of blank cassette tapes from my boyfriend. I had given him a gold and diamond ring. Yeah I’ve been dumb a lotta years since this was in the 80’s..

4. What is your most embarrassing childhood memory?
when my father showed up blind drunk to my senior piano recital.

5. How many kids do you want?
Just one and I already have her

6. Whats your moms middle name?
Rachael

7. Have you ever operated a fire extinguisher?
Yeah, on my Hyundai on the 91 Freeway outside of Palm Springs. In the middle of No-Fucking-Where-Desert

8. Worst car you ever had to drive and why?
Let me count the ways. No cars….

9. Who do you hate?
No one. I detest everyone though.

10. What do you hope to have accomplished by the end of this year?
a pulse

11. Do you have any reallllly crazy relatives?
Insanity doesn’t run in my family. It gallops.

12. Did you ever wake up under the influence of NyQuil, completely unable to move?
Uh no. Name a FUN barbituate

13. Are you feeling nostalgic right now?
For the way things were a week ago, does that count?

14. Did you own a Lite-Brite?
Never did. I’m still bitter.

15. Can you dive?
You betcha

16. Do you own a mouthpiece for anything?
Ya, two sax mouthpieces and one oboe mouthpiece.

18. Have you ever used a pogo stick?
yeah, I loved em when I was kid

19. Who was the most creative bum you’ve ever met, trying to get some money from you?
One night when TK and I were out a guy asked for a dollar. We said no and he then said “yes but would you LIKE one?”

20. Whats your favorite Jelly Belly jelly bean flavor?
Too fucking random. How about Frost Wine 2001?

21. Favorite food you CRAVE?
TK’s barbeque

22. When was the last time you pulled lint out of your bellybutton?
Wait a minute. I SHOWER every day.

23. Did you ever use someone else’s toothbrush?
probably but I was likely hosed at the time

24. Do you REALLY floss everyday?
no but when I do it’s someone else’s floss

25. What is your favorite cologne/perfume you always wear?
Opium or Coco Chanel. It’s a tie.

26. If you were on Double Dare, would you take the physical challenge?
What the fuck is double dare?

27. What’s the largest living organism that you killed?
The bastard wouldn’t eat the poison mushrooms

28. Did you ever take a lighting bug and smear its guts on your arm so you get a cool glowing effect like war paint?
No you sick fuck. I did catch them on summer vacation in PA when I was a kid though

29. What’s the best toy you’ve ever gotten in a McDonalds happy meal?
I only do sad meals. The toys are usually rocks or really ugly sweaters.

30. if you could be anywhere in the world doing anything right now what would it be?
I’m going to cry now. Piss off.

31. Can you juggle? YES!

32. How do you feel right now?
Like friggin loser. Oh wait. I am.

33. Do you remember that square candy bar called “Chunky”?
yum. I liked Ice Cubes better though

34. Predict the length of the next Peter Jackson movie.
2 years 13 hours and 16 minutes.

35. What was your favorite toy as a kid?
45 singles.

36. Are you willing to go the distance?
Depends on who I’m fighting. Or fucking.

37. Did you answer question 17?
Yes, but only in my head and I’m not telling you the answer
~Miss R

Listening To:
John Hiatt – Perfectly Good Guitar

What’s in YOUR Inbox?

So you think your life is filled with the odd, unusual and surreal?
Well let’s take a look at just a few emails I’ve received in the last 2 days.
For your reading enjoyment I have included the original text of the email and my response, including pertinent links.
You can’t make this shit up.

Bon appetit!

Nutbag Number One


A bit of background here: I have the remains of my old e-commerce site still online. Most of the mail I get is directed towards the Ouija section of the site and not the retail area but sometimes….

——Original Message——-

From: Raven Slaughter
Date: 5/16/2007 12:21:39 AM
To: blackraven@damnedgames.com
Subject: Ouija Board?

So, I’m on your website and put ‘Ouija Board’ in the search and get:
http://www.damnedgames.com/SearchResults.aspx

Why?
You suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_______________________________________________

Dear Ms. Slaughter,
First let me apologize for your inconvenience. The Search function on damnedgames.com no longer works.

Perhaps you did not read the enormous paragraph at the top of the website which states:
“After 10 Years We are calling it quits. As a matter of fact we are pretty much out of business”.

You must have also inadvertently missed the graphic image link which says OUIJA BOARDS, located directly above the aforementioned paragraph.
Perhaps you also did not notice the additional drop down menu located under the Search Box which gives a direct link to the Ouija Page.

Once again my apologies.
For the record you should be advised of an error in your logic and elucidation.
I do NOT simply suck. I suck exceptionally well. I swallow too.

Have a great day!

~blackraven

——————————————————————————————————————

Nutbag Number Two

More background: This idiot made a comment on one of my blogs.
Today was not the day to do something so silly as to push your personal beliefs as opposed to critique into my overflowing Inbox ‘o Crazies email program.
To quote Bill Maher “If I wanted to hear about Jesus every day I would have voted for Bush”.

The best part of this knuckle-draggers tirade is that he Missed the Entire Point of the Blog.

You’ve probably already read the blog as I’ve posted it here.
Scroll down to the last commenter and then my reply.

Oh life only gets better!

I Am Not A Godless Heathen.
now with moronic reader comment goodness!
—————————————————————————————————-

Nutbag Number Three

Background: This is one of the NORMAL emails I get in regards to my Ouija page every day.

From: LAIMES88@aol.com
Date: 5/15/2007 1:43:13 PM
To: blackraven@damnedgames.com
Subject: Evil spirits and demons. . .

Well my sister once had a ouija board and she told me that it really freaked her out. Siince it freaked her out. She was scared so she threw it in a dumpster. The next day it was under her bed. She tore it in half and threw it out again. Same thing happened and it didn’t have a scracth on it. So finally she put it in a bon fire. It once again wound up under her bed. She asked why it leave her alone. “We need you.” It responed. My sister was really freaked out so she gave it to her friend and never saw it again. Now i’m not the supersitious type but this still disturbs me. I want to get a board of my own and keep a log of what happens with it. Also I think I am starting to believe in these sort of things. A few days ago my sister had gotten some tera? cards. She used them on me and it said i was going to be moving soon. Well yester day i found out that our Apt building is sinking and the Apt manager is to freakin lazy to fix it or doesn’t want to pay for it. So it’s going to be demolished and we have to move. Along with that have you ever heard of forming a symbol with playing cards and then black means yes and red means no. Well me and my friends were doing that once, talking to ghosts, yes or no questions. Well since my friends are weird they ask out of the blue questions. So accoding to that little incident i’m going to be kidnapped this summer, what ever happens to me will be good enoff for me to make into a story and i’ll become a famous auther (My dream) and i’m going to hell. Well that was a lot for me to take. Anywhom my friend, jess, was the one holding the cards. I asked the spirit if it was from hell. It said yes. It the room we had some candles. One of my other friends asked if it was the devil. It said yes and all of the sudden the candle fell over and the flame went out. The cards caught on fire and jess suddenly started to choke me. I gasped for someone to mess up the symbol and someone did. Jess snapped out of it and passed out. So that makes me believe even more. Do you think it’s a good idea to get a ouija board or will i be attacked by an unseen force.
Rei

——-Original Message——-

From: blackraven@damnedgames.com
Date: 5/18/2007 1:43:13 PM
To: LAIMES88@aol.com
Subject: RE: Evil spirits and demons. . .

Dear Rei,
I definitely think that you should purchase a Ouija board! From me of course.
Clearly you’re meant to have one. If nothing else the alphabet is featured prominently and can be of great benefit in the use of grammar and spelling.
I promise that the only unseen force which attacks you will be yet more teenaged drama and angst. Take it from me. Did I mention I’m a doctor?
Also the next time a string of dangerous occurrences plagues you, your friends and your sinking building this happens PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dial 911.
When the police show up they will know exactly what to do. You’ll have no more problems with dumpsters, cards that catch on fire, homicidal friends or parlor games made of cardboard mysteriously appearing under your bed.
You WILL have a kick-ass room-mate named Weird-Ass Wanda at West hills Hospital and a lovely new white jacket.

By the way I’d give up on the famous author dream. That part IS true. All famous authors go to hell and with what you’ve been through don’t you think it’s time for a rest?

Remember: I care!

~blackraven

————————————–

Okay I just can’t go on. It’s too much.
I laugh. Yea verily.
Write on kids. Write on.

~miss r


thanks to Ramblin’ Roger for the cool bush pic

 

 

Currently listening:
Mahler: Symphony No. 2 / Mehta, Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra
By: Gustav Mahler
Release date: 13 June, 2000

Misanthropy and Why You Should Convert to My Religion

“I hate and despise the animal called Mankind but I like the occasional Tom, Dick, and Harry.”
-Jonathon Swift

I’ve been thinking a lot about humanity lately. In general that is.
Between the Demon Seed’s visit to The Home, exchanges with lumbering cretins during my last night out on the town, and past experience I have come to a conclusion.
Humanity cannot be fixed.
People as a species, are selfish, mean, petty and unwilling to change. Oh sure there are exceptions.
Me for instance.
Also the majority of my friends. Of which there are five. On a good day.

Religion says we’re all born with original sin. This is far closer to the truth of the matter than communism which insists we can all improve ourselves and become the best.
It is my expert opinion that both are bullshit.

Webster’s defines Misanthropy as‘a hatred or distrust of humankind’.
Wikipedia defines Misanthropy as

‘whoa dude you guys all suck’.

In the famous words of Pliny the Middle Aged “Cogito ergo doleo!”
If your Latin is a bit rusty it translates to ‘I think therefore I am depressed.’

Are YOU a closet Misanthrope? I’ve devised a test. If you answer 8 of these 10 questions YES then you are probably a misanthrope. Or an alcoholic.

If you’re lucky you’ve hit the double jackpot on that one and should seek immediate intervention in a 12 Step Group.  Or have a drink.
See if I care.

Got a pen and paper handy? Let’s roll and NO NICENESS!

1. I do not understand why solitary confinement to ‘the hole’ should be considered punishment.
2. Mark Twain was not really a misanthrope he just grew into a bitter old curmudgeonly bastard.
3. I plan to leave all of my money to my cat (or dog. if you’re truly crazy about ass-sniffing smelly sneaky walnut brains my ex-husband is single though) and absolutely none to charity.
4. People who applaud my creativity but do not UNDERSTAND the point should be beaten senseless. Not by me because that would indicate interacting with them. Guido in Detroit runs frequent specials.
5. Not only do I know who Ambrose Bierce is I wish I had disappeared into the damned Mexican jungles as well.
6. Political Correctness should be punishable by speedy Execution. No trial.
7. Being blunt but telling a simple truth loses friends but increases knowledge… and it’s worth it!
8. Obviously humankind is to be reviled. Even aliens hate us for godsake. Ever seen Independence Day, Alien or Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Duh.
9. When a ‘friend’ tells you they would prefer that you didn’t swear so much around their kids you say “Go fuck yourself.”
10. You understand that hating people is easy because there is no one else to hate

Well, it’s time to put a hot compress on my hand and find the vicodin.
May you have a solitary and joyous evening. Make yourself a great dinner. Put on some delicious porn.

Solitary confinement is a state of bliss.

Misanthropes of the world unite. We have nothing to lose but our minds.

~miss r

artwork by Sandy Huffaker

Response from my Slumlord

July 27, 2007

Dear R.C. Black-Raven,

It is always a pleasure to hear from our clients! We here at Shoenberger & Shoenberger have amassed a large data base of letters just like your and have enabled out staff to look up issues by type, location and even by tenant.

Goldstar (the parent company of Shoenberger and Shoenberger and a subsidiary of Warner Brothers Television) is a fine brand of Air Recirculation unit met to be used in a small camping tent or other enclosed space. The placement it your apartment was met to increase air circulation on the outside of the unit to increase the drying time of the buildings siding after watering.
The whirring noise you here is actually an artificial sound generated to inform inspectors that the unit is on and running properly. The “smoke” serves the same role but in a visual manner so as to conform to the Americans with Disabilities Act.

We are always happy to answer any and all questions made by our tenants in hops of developing a clear and consistent dialogue between ourselves and out legal counsel.

In answer to your question regarding the painting of the building, we must advise you to not, under any circumstances to come into direct contact with the actual external “paint” of the building. The “paint” layer currently on the building was bought 20 years ago from our supplier in the former Soviet Union and was initially intended as a barrier for the inside of the Peoples Nuclear Reactor number 19. The “paint” contains a very high lead count and several other agents that have been shown to cause cancer of an unknown type in laboratory animals and political “test subjects”. If you are coming into contact with chips or dust from the paint please go to a health care provider as soon as possible. If you decide on your own accorded to scrape the “paint” please do not use any metal tools as this could result in a reaction that has been deemed catastrophic by several government agencies including the EPA, the NSA, FBI and CIA. That said if you were to remove and dispose of the “paint” we could offer you a discount in rent in the amount totaling 3% of your rent. We will not be able to cover any medical expenses or death benefits as a resulting in your decision to handle the “paint”.

Your concern about the condition of the parking lot has been noted in our database. Please be advised that though the parking lot is in a transitional phase from asphalt to the more eco-friendly and socially acceptable dirt lot we can not be held responsible for any damages that may or may not be a result of debris that may or may not be in the lot.

The yellow jackets that you speak off are imaginary. There is simply no creature on the planet that can live for more than a few hours after being in direct contact with the “paint” on the side of the building.

Please feel free to use any of the items that are left from previous tenants for your enjoyment. We are pleased to keep on site not only spare carpeting for repairs but furniture that could be of use to our more impoverished tenants. We are always happy to have an inventory update and will quickly restock the broken flower pot and aluminum cans that appear to have been used in some manner by tenants for a reason other than the aesthetic value for which there were originally placed. If you do start a small business selling candy and memorabilia on site you must acquire a local business permit and submit to Shoenberger and Shoenberger a profit-sharing agenda.

Your flowers are alive? We will speak to LittleOleMan about this today and have the issue rectified.

Shoenberger & Shoenberger
1665 Lakeside Drive Suite 102
Reno, NV. 89509


I confess. This isn’t the real response. It appeared as a comment by my great friend John Geiger.

The original piece ‘Letter to My Slumlord was published simultaneously on my mirror site ,which shall remain nameless because it’s really fucking embarrassing.  This comment is from that posting. It’s funny and deserves its own page. Thanks John. Wherever you are
FYI: the dig at Warner Brothers is there because I was working for The Frog.The Warner Brothers Frog