retarded survey ver. 1.67.3

Been in isolation mode the past few weeks and have not posted anything. My brain is on hiatus but rather than gaff writing at all this will do for tonight. Had planned on writing a ‘real’ blog’ today while sitting out on the back side of the apartment building. I affectionately call my back ‘deck’  Little Tijuana. Ugh.

 

Unfortunately the old compaq computer has given up the ghost and the wireless card seems to be a goner.

Lost the initiative to create after screwing around with the thing for 30 minutes. So, if you have an older laptop you’d consider parting with for a reasonable price or trade please let me know. On the bright side I did play the piano and annoy the neighbors with my vocals for over an hour. Take that you wretched fleeting muse!


Now regarding this abyssmal survey; I was instructed to write EXACTLY what came immediately to mind and not change it. In the interest of a public service announcement  and free mental health advisory here you go…

——————————————————
1. My ‘ex’ is….
a total fucktard who should only spontaneously combust. Which ex btw? This pretty much covers them all.

2. I am listening to…
the voices

3. Maybe I should…
take those meds

4. I love..
the smell of napalm in the morning

5. My best friend…
is an executive whack-job

6. I don’t understand…
life

7. I lost my respect for…
myself. I have a way better time now!

8. I last ate…
a bowl of ice cream

9. The meaning of my display name is…
 Well that’s pretty damned self explanatory

10. Love is…
bittersweet

11. Somewhere…
an ex-husband is spontaneously combusting

 
12. I will always…
fall in love too hard

13. Love seems to be…
on your fucking mind doesn’t it? dear god.

14. I never ever want to lose…
my disturbed (and disturbing) mental faculties

15. My mobile phone is…
a piece of crap. oh yeah sprint sucks ass

16. When I woke up this morning…
i had lost the will to live. again. wait that’s every morning.

17. I get annoyed at…
let’s narrow it down; what doesn’t annoy me?

18. Parties…
make me nervous

19. My pet(s)…
my cat and my daughter

20. Kissing…
is yummy

21. Today I…
got out of bed. didn’t kill myself. cleaned the house. filled out disability reconsideration paperwork. laughed at the misfortune of others. pretty satisfying day all in all.

22. I wish…
do not get me started

23. I really want…
to be happy.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY (as opposed to my usual devious lies?)—

What would you rather be called?

01. Sweetie or Honey:
neither. Better yet… darling

02. Darling or Hun:
well there you have it. should have read ahead.

PRESENTLY-

01. is your hair wet?:
no should it be?

02. is your cell phone right by you?:
hell no

03. do you miss someone?:
very much so

04. are you wearing chap stick?
ugh. No. dark red lipstick if you please

05. are you tired?
every minute of every day and every night

06. are you excited?
hmmmm what are you offering?

07. are you watching tv?
no. the voices are blocking out forensic files

08. are you wearing pajamas?:
I don’t wear pajamas. Sheesh.

HAVE YOU-

01. recently done anything you regret?:
of course although my rationalization process is finely honed

02. ever lied?:
EVER? Oh please. Of course.

03. ever stuck gum under a desk?
hell no. I always drop it on the sidewalk in the path of unsuspecting pedestrians

04. ever kicked someone?:
not intentionally

05. ever tripped over your own feet?:
every damned day. you don’t ever want to witness my dancing.

TODAY-

01. have you cursed?:
fuckin a

02. yelled at someone?
no

03. have you gotten mad at someone?:
no

RANDOM-

Q: is there a person who is on your mind right now?
A: yes

Q: do you have any siblings?
A: yes

Q: Do you want children?
A: fuck no but I have one anyway

Q: do you smile often?
A: ya all of the time

Q: do you wish on stars?
A: not for years

Q: do you like your handwriting?
A: bwahahahahaha. Good luck reading it

Q: are your toenails painted?
A: yes thanks tk

Q: are you a friendly person?
A: well you’d think so if we were to meet. i’m also a hell of an actress though so watch it.

Q: who’s bed did you sleep in last night?
A: none of your damned business. Pushy little bastard aren’t you?

Q: what size ring do you wear?
A: if it has a diamond or ruby I’ll have it re-sized. don’t worry.

Q what color shirt are you wearing?
A: white cami

 
Q: what were you doing at 7pm yesterday?
A: enjoying a wonderful sunset and luxuriating in the experience of someone making dinner for me

Q: I can’t wait until…
A: i die

Q: Is tom on your friends list?
A: no he’s a tard who makes my code appear fucked up when I write html or JavaScript into my blogs.

Q: Look to your right:
A: Roland D-10, small peavey, computer tower, original litho on the wall, pile of cds to be burned

Q: Ever cried on your friend’s shoulder?
A: rarely. I do not like to have people see me cry.

—————————–


Guess that covers it for tonight. unless i can’t sleep and write a more original piece around 1:00 am.
not that this has ever occurred.

peace and prozac,

~Miss R

Executive Whack-Job

I got a puppy!
Not really.

This is true though:

January is:
National Clean Up Your Computer Month
and National Poverty in America Awareness Month

So please let me come over and de-frag your computer and clean up those temp files. In return you can laugh at my penury.

Thank god that National Healthy Weight Week doesn’t start until the 21st. There’s still plenty of time for ice cream at 2:00 am and chocolate for lunch.
Speaking of weight it seems I’ve inadvertently lost 4 pounds in the last two weeks. Well they’re not really lost per se since I don’t miss them and have no intention of finding the fuckers.

In other odd news:

I may have a job as an outside contractor for a site build-out and design, and maybe more work to follow.

On to the heart of the blog…

The other day I mentioned the strange emails which appear in the ol’ Inbox.

Continue reading

A Survey for Procrastinators

The No Lying Survey
–gee as opposed to an “I’m lying about every single question” survey. This is the first one of these I’ve filled out in months, so I’m clearly procrastinating on the day’s agenda—

7. last beverage: coffee
6. last phone call: mom
4. last cd played: full CD? Storytelling: Belle and Sebastian
3. last BUBBLE bath: about a month ago
2. last time you cried: yesterday
1. last meal: full meal? Chicken and Pasta ala TK

SIX HAVE YOU’S:

6. have you ever dated someone twice? yes
5. have you ever been cheated on?: yes
4. have you ever kissed someone & regretted it?: hell yeah
3. have you ever lost someone?: yes
2. have you ever been depressed?: oh no not me
1. have you ever been drunk and threw up? you betcha

SIX things you did in the past three days:

Continue reading

Amazingly Compelling Reasons To Hire Me

My Resume


  • I’m now wombless so will never take maternity leave.
  • You’ll never catch me screwing around on company time. I’m too fucking smart to get caught.
  • My work will be completed way before deadline. I won’t burden you with this knowledge though. How else will there be time to keep up with personal correspondence?
  • I get along with everyone. Even those I secretly loathe.
  • Being clean and sober for more than 10 years virtually guarantees I’ll never call in sick on a Monday or Friday.
  • I make an amusing decorative piece.
  • The Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a Free Bonus. Do you have any idea of how much this contributes to a skillfully designed graphic, snippet of web code, review, column, script, storyboard or production design?
  • My creativity and ingenuity will surprise you. Maybe not in a good way either.
  • If my child is sick or out of school she can bloody well stay home alone. I’d rather be working with you than suffering through the horrors of teen-age hell.
  • My ragtime and stride piano playing will wow you. Maybe you should purchase a piano for the break room and let me spend most of the day in there.
  • We are out of fresh food, gas for the car, Nicorette, money to pay Sierra Pacific, AT&T and the landlord. Do you think it’s cheap supporting a Nicorette habit? Hell, crack is probably less expensive.
  • I really am funny ha-ha and funny strange
  • My successful business acumen and marketing strategies are undeniable. It is only in romantic dealings that I bankrupt.
  • You’ll enjoy my dynamic voice-over work and I promise to eschew any scripts which call for vocalizing the words dog or always. You can take the girl out of Brooklyn

    My last entrepreneurial endeavor
    included owning an espresso bar. 
     Behold my Latte Art heart.

    Cabin  Fever Latte


  • Re-Writing a resume is becoming tedious.
  • A complete and utter distaste for viable real-world skills

Resume Available on Request! yes seriously

Currently listening: Say You Will By: Fleetwood Mac Release date: 15 April, 2003

A Recently Completed Survey

Yesterday my daughter forwarded me a ‘survey’ she’d received and completed. In the spirit of Maternal Love I then answered the questions myself and then forwarded the damned thing to my friends.

Whoever came up with the questions did a fine job, they’re random, telling and amusing. Yeah there are a few duds but that’s just like life isn’t it.

This must surely be the penultimate in narcissistic behavior. Filling out a survey about yourself and posting it on your own blog.

Well too bad. You try amusing yourself for a month while recovering from a womb-ectomy. Ha. I dare you. Particularly if you’re a guy.

Bon Apetit!


You and Jesus go out to dinner – who pays?
Jesus of course. His dad’s got a buttload of money.

Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently?
Texas
You wake up as the opposite gender what’s the one thing you wanna try?
writing my name in the snow while I pee

What’s an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other?
an actual conviction on a serial murder charge. Acquittals are okay.

What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?
Dark Water. It was so fucking bad that I was horrified

You’re sentenced to death and it’s the morning of your execution, what do you want to eat?
the victim of my crime

What’s something that most people do that you’ve never done?
gone to a prom

Right before you die you where do you want to go to…?
the box office to ask for a refund. I didn’t like the ending

Something you’d really like to do but probably won’t ever be able to do?
fall in love with a man who loves me

A wild animal you’d like to have as a pet?
a bobcat

A drug you’ll never try?
do you mean ‘try again’? all of them

If you were an animal what would you be?
a red-tailed black cockatoo. They’re gorgeous and can live 100 years.

What’s something most people don’t know about you?
I can’t say or you’d either laugh or feel pity

Worst way to die?
in a car wreck on the way to pick up the check for my winning lottery ticket

Grossest injury you’ve ever seen?
an enormous abscess. thankfully not on myself.

The worst injury you’ve ever had?
car accident 1982: ruptured spleen, broken ribs, concussion. Now I’m a spleenless bastard.

What city in the U.S. do you want to visit?
Key Largo

What’s something you think would be sweet to know everything about?
love

What’s one phrase you absolutely detest?
“Thinking outside the box.” Wtf am I? A mime?

What makes an awesome party?
good friends

What’s your material obsession?
Cds and musical instruments

Favorite kind of dog?
a cat

Worst drunken habit?
I don’t remember. I was drunk.

Its Saturday at 3 a.m. where are you?
in bed. alone. as always.

Worst job you’ve ever had?
working for a veterinarian. Too depressing.

What’s something your friends make fun of you for?
my Brooklyn-ese

What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever done?
it was many years ago and although I made amends I still regret it. Also it’s not your business

Ever fallen out of love?
sure

What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?
20 years. I was 21 and he was 41. Looking back the guy was probably a borderline pedophile. Ick.

Have you ever dated someone you met online?
yes

Have you ever dated/fooled around with a coworker?
yes

Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more?

yes

Would you tell your parents if you’re gay?
yes

Do you walk around the house naked?
hell yeah. It’s my house.

Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
I’m picky about everything

Why did your last relationship fail?
told the guy that I liked him. stupid stupid stupid. NEVER tell a guy that you like him. no wait. that was why my last relationship never actually became a relationship.

Are you afraid of commitment?
only if it’s involuntary

What’s your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
with the (small) wisdom of age I can unequivocally state that it’s depressing afterwards.

Are you a jealous person?
occasionally

Does it get annoying when somebody says they’ll call you, but doesn’t?
of course.

If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in you, what would you do/say?
“Thank you for asking. Now piss off.” Not really. I’m terrible at saying no if I think it will hurt someone’s feelings.

What would you rather be doing right now?
anything that involved getting out of this goddamned house.

Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
used to be the opposite sex but as I mature I find women to be the best friends. Weird isn’t it.

Can others make you cry easily?
oh god yes. it doesn’t take much either.

Who was the last person to piss you off?
probably my daughter, but that is her job as my progeny

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
hell if I know anymore. What is this ‘sleep’ you speak of?

What personality trait is a must-have in the opposite sex?
sublimely dark humor

Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
nope. I’ve got a discreet tatt and want another as well, but people who are covered in ink don’t do it for me.

Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
yes. more stupidity in an existence rife with it.

Isn’t It Ironic (or satiric depending on your IQ)

I‘m feeling almost human this afternoon. Don’t tell anyone but I snuck out to the living room, lifted the key cover on the upright, and played 100 Years by Five for Fighting. Twice in a row.

A nice simple song, nothing strenuous. As opposed to knocking out A Strenuous Life by Scott Joplin which is strenuous. Well not until the second movement, but yeah then it is.

Took a rest and then snuck out again (shhhhhhh) to play and sing Late by Ben Folds.
I. Am. Going. Ber. Serk.

The phone just rang.
“Is Mrs. Robinson at home?”
“No there is NO Mrs. Robinson here, for the TENTH time this week.”
“Are you the owner of this home?”
“No. I’m the renter of this hovel”.
Dead silence. I snickered and hung up.

Whoever it is will call tomorrow and then
“Is Mrs. Robinson at home?”
“Yes! How did you know? Have my exes been gossiping again?”

I caught a lot of good-natured ribbing from friends over the last year and a half. Due to some weird aligning of the planets it seemed that various and colorful dates who had been in and out of my life were generally somewhere between 5 to 15 years younger than myself. Go figure.

Chris, the last guy I dated (we went out maybe half a dozen times) was 30. So for the duration of that diversion Leslie and the guys at work would ask if Ashton Kushner had sent any more flowers or called. Fuckers.

Not really.I love to be teased by those who are intelligent enough to see the amusing side of a situation. To make the distinction between being humorous with a point instead of mean-spirited with a point.

There’s a saying:
Small minds discuss people.
Average
minds discuss events.
Great
minds discuss ideas.

This is not to say that I have a great mind. That’s obvious. Still….
Discussing People?Having been the object of gossip, usually untrue, I keep this type of discourse to a minimum. I am a keeper of other people’s secrets.
Discussing events? Well events of an artistic/cultural or scientific nature yes. The nightly news or alleged Entertainment news? No. I may discuss their implications but do not talk about the events themselves. News items may however cause me to feel.
Discussing Ideas? Yeah I love it. Virtually anything can spawn an idea. The inspiration for this blog came from a comment made by my friend Matt. We were talking about sarcasm and he mentioned that Ironic by Alanis Morrisette has a lot of lines in it that are not really ironic.

That set me to thinking (oh god NO!) about
The difference between ironic and sarcastic.

As a geek you either learn to be funny or to make yourself invisible.
Happily there is a way to incorporate both of these alternatives.

By making light of a situation or presenting something in a humorous manner we are able to deflect others from looking directly at us.
I truly believe that being an ironic or sarcastic person is a direct result of insecurity.

So ultimately we oddballs hope to be viewed as funny, which is acceptable, instead of who we really are, which is insecure and hopefully iconoclastic.

For years I’ve been told that I’m funny. I prefer ironic or even better facetious. It’s just that many folks have to run for the dictionary to look up facetious. Takes too long the make the point then.

Funny is an appellation normally bestowed by those with limited intellect or vocabulary. Or, too much to drink that night.

I’ve always felt myself an outsider. You know, one of the kids who were shunned in school for being too smart, too fat, too weird, and too dark. I relate to others who have outlooks and experiences similar to my own. Everyone does this. It follows that my closest friends are also witty, wry and facetious as well. Outsiders.

If we make others laugh then hopefully they will see us as the fat funny one, the smart funny one, the different funny one.

Dammit as usual my tangent has spawned what should be another blog. So on to the point!

Miss R’s Dictionary presents the following simple definitions:

Sarcasm: a reaction to or observation of an event
Irony: an actual event

Being sarcastic can be a result of irony. Normally it will be a rather barbed reaction, hopefully amusing and not hurtful. Many times it’s both though.

As for Alanis (remember her from about four paragraphs ago?):
The poor woman hasn’t the faintest clue about irony. Or sarcasm.

To wit:
Rain on your wedding day?
That’s not ironic. It’s just bad planning if you’ve rented the local park for your reception.

10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife?
No irony here kids. It would be ironic if you needed the knife, only had the spoons, and THEN received the goddamned knife as a wedding present.
The next day.
That would be ironic.

If you take a look at this essay you will notice I’ve happily assimilated my points by being sarcastic in regards to irony.

My job here is done.

If you didn’t see the point of this piece then I can only point out the obvious conclusion: You suffer from an Irony Deficiency.

~Miss R