Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy Winner of the Week!

A Big Hello to our friends and axe wielding Viewers!

Live from our underground  bunker in an undisclosed neighborhood of Fabulous Reno Nevada, your update on the most highly rated contest now available in any media!

 The Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy Contest

Unpaid Spokesperson in no way represents Rachael's actual image

Unpaid Spokesperson in no way represents Rachael’s actual image

  • Survivor?  For lazy slobs with giant televisions and no job
  • Big Brother? Could not watch an entire episode. It’s that cretinous
  • Jersey Shore? Never seen it but I hear it involves a goodly amount of tanning lotion and buttsx. Time is better spent working on my newest piece of Artwork: Filth Encrusted Used Chewing Gum and Unidentifiable Icky Things On Sneakers.

It’s Interactive too
Not Interactive in the sense of the above listed contests. You know, Vote For Your Favorite by texting IAMABOOB to Sprint at the low low cost of $3.00 per vote. *
*no longer available in Washington D.C. due to overload of communications services during episode airtime.  Re-runs currently crash the Sprint network

Turn your Internet dial to YoYo-Dyne for the newest and best of contests. Guaranteed to benefit you and your karma, but more importantly, it benefits me.

Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy!

This week’s winner is Peter M. and The Wombies! Direct from the Great White North and Wombania come Wine Gums, a treat unknown to we in the lower 48. Just in time for Wombat Day! Get out your chocolate, wine gums, pancake batter and milkshakes on October 22nd. Meet Victor and Victoria, my adopted Wombies. FREE balloons for the kids!

You know they’re Canadian. The UPS delivery guy tumbled down the concrete steps outside repeatedly shouting Thank You Sir May I Have Another after handing over the delightful package.

Last week’s winner is Gina C from The OC! What can I say but… A full fucking pound of See’s Candy. My favorite assortment. Too bad for you folks East of the Mississippi, it’s Fanny Farmer for you.

The Beaver Babe (Gina C), Piano Wench (I AM that Wench) and Pope Dirty Bastard.

The Beaver Babe (Gina C), Piano Wench (I AM that Wench) and Pope Dirty Bastard.

Don Pardo, tell them what they’ve won!

Well Rachael, our two top contestants win this Fabulous Lazy-E Boy complete living room set! Sorry, not available to residents of Canada or California .Shipping not included.

Also, potential fame and fortune for appearing as featured guests on the Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy Contest!

Last, a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat! Sent to our winners in six unwieldy enormous wooden crates. Sorry winners, shipping not included.

Rachael here with thanks to Peter and the Wombies, Gina C and all of you who have sent your good wishes and positive thoughts.

We’ll end tonight’s festivities with an interpretive dance created by me, for you.

I call it ‘The Zombie Pirate Walker Boogie!’

Thanks again and we’ll see you next week for another tingling and suspense filled episode of The Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy Contest!

~Miss R

-bettie page photo courtesy of burymeinthisdress.com-

An Open Letter From Lizzie Borden

Lizzie Borden

Cat or Supreme Being Of All I Observe? I am Lizzie Borden. You decide

They call me a Persian, a Rescue, a Rockstar, a shedding layabout doing nothing but causing a twice weekly house vacuum and a butt-shave every few months. Seems another appellation is litter ass. Whatever the hell that means. Oh, my Feline Fineness has also been referred to as Kitten Cat-ccitore, Queen of the Food Puking, Inbred Psycho Kitty and Jesus Christ Get Out From Under My Feet. I take these as the compliments they are meant to be.

Thanks to my Bast-given opposable dew claws the following news may be disseminated via type and Internet. Hey, Queen of Purrshah here.

Let me meow to you about my exclusion from holiday festivities, lack of combing, and owner dereliction  Due to said ‘companion’  (yeah right) Rachael, over the Christmas weekend, days preceding and day following.

1. Left me alone with Roomie James. Not that it’s a bad thing, but he’s allergic to my gorgeous fur. Plus he will NOT allow me in his room.

2. Miss R claims she attended several parties Christmas Eve. One of which happens to be my former abode. Appalling lack of tact.

3. Noticed a considerable weight gain after Miss R returned. Did I gain the weight? Hell no. Fucking Cat Chow. How much of that crap would you eat?

4. As far as I can tell she probably took a hotel room and watched endless re-runs of Law and Order. And ate Wombie Wine Gums. Claims some guy from the Great White North sent her a few bags. Think his name is Pete.  Seems like her style.

5. She claims she got ‘laid’ while absent for four days. Clearly she stated ‘lied.’ Haven’t seen a man anywhere near her in three years, except for her roomie. Cool ‘FUD Allergic Guy’ Doesn’t Count. He is family. He Gives me treats. Miss R? Good for a free meal, and the bedspread on which I shed, purr – for the 5 hours of 24 that I deign to awaken –  and spread cat litter joy. Off my ass fur.

6. The bitch finally makes it home and immediately stepped in my holiday gift to her: Christmas ribbon festooned puke piles. She yelled at me. Cretinous Human!

7. When my companion returned she was also weighed down with Ham and Beans, Corn Bread, a Breadmaker and a Nook. Have no idea what the Nook is but I do enjoy sleeping on it.

8. Miss R (Petting Girl) disavows any knowledge of cat litter scooping. Were not for James (Allergic Guy) and her trip back one day to pet me, love me and promise to be back soon, I would have died. Seriously, who wants to die in the bathroom? Forever stuck in sand and waste material.

Truly all I can announce is Piss Off. If I were an un-neutered male I’d do just that. Being a spayed female tends to suck at the entire Ease Of Pissing thing.

Will give her points on her return: Miss R did feed me treats after the yelling incident. Stil, if not for James (aka Allergic Guy) I would have changed the locks.
Somehow.
If I could bulk up from 5 pounds and drag a chair.

Hope this helps to explain my Life With Miss R. Do NOT trust her. She likes Wine Gums, Chocolate, and still misses a good stiff martini. She is fretful about DOGS. Heard her muttering about two she had previously owned. Wait.
What is Dog?

Miss R here: Lizzifer has been banished to the living room, my bedroom and kitchen and condemned to a life of Cat Chow and tidbits. She is a liar, freak of nature and cheats at poker.

She cunningly upchucks on any rug in the house. Having hard wood floors this is a feat. She is clearly fucking with me.

Currently available for adoption: Must like small piles of vomit, cat litter all over the house, disposal of yesterday’s dry food because it is stale, and opposable dew claws.
NO DOGS.

Glad I caught this before she hit send.

Oh hell.

A Plethora of Foolishness: A Guide to El Guapo

El Guapo: The Man. The Myth. The Misanthrope.

Today’s Music: Volga Boat Song/Let’s All Dance to Joy Division Mash-Up

You may think that you know El Guapo but you are mistaken my friend.
From his humble beginnings as an Irish Satanic Hindu living on the streets of Paris, selling matchbooks to wealthy Japanese tourists, his exploits continue to amaze the blogosphere.

Certainly he has Alpine skied the Great Lakes, surfed the titan swells of Barstow, and of course his most fabulous feat: Using his parachute but once during that historic dive from the highest most point of the roller coaster on Casino Pier atop Seaside Heights, NJ. AFTER Hurricane Sandy.

El Guapo is truly a living legend.

Here a few pointers you’ll need to truly enjoy Guapola, the home of El Guapo.

    1.

BYOB. This tip was passed along from an anonymous high school friend. Guap was once heard to mention over mystery meat and expired milk “Sonny won’t Cher” (sic).

    2.

The man loves Poles. Sadly he is Anti-Semantic in person and purposely taunts his ‘common’ readers with correctly placed semi-colons. Not to mention full bladders as he guzzles his daily beer intake. See Above. We are not aware of his full colon exploits.

    3.

The El Guano Cave: do not attempt to fund an expedition to his top secret location in Gotham. Although he does reveal his present whereabouts as The City he is in current litigation with next door neighbor, a Mr. Bruce Wayne. Court documents have been sealed but it appears that a conflict has arisen over bats in the belfry.

    4.

Never attempt to dissuade El Guapo from his taste in music. Do not laugh, condescend nor feed the animal. It is rumored that he once beat a 43 person crowd of Kenny G. fans to death with a small mammal. Another rumor has it that he used marsupial road-kill as back up.

    5.

His weekly Friday Foolishness blog posts are funded by The People’s Front of Judea. Do not mistake this organization for a Zionist conspiracy. Mr. Guapo appears to have chosen the name of this alleged charity organization in order to funnel money. Yes! The proceeds from his writing are wired into a Swiss bank account, via the Cayman Islands (where El Guapo purports to ‘surf’). Money is then transferred to the World Wide Organization for Flies and Sewage. DBA records show that this shell company is a wall shielding The Sally Struthers Anorexia and B-Actress Eradication Program. The man does not wish the world to know of his philanthropic slant.
What else can be said of this adventurer, explorer, giver and supporter of the underprivileged?

Well let’s check this shit out!

El Guapo Birthday Poll

Roman Polanski

El Guapo Readers I hope that this Primer helps your understanding of the madness and brilliance that is El Guapo.
Let us all wish him a Happy Birthday!

Visit Other Posts Celebrating Guapola Foolishness
AlexFrankGingerFightBackGingerSnaapH.E. EllisKanervaSuzanne,WeebsCheekyDivaEdward HotspurM3JoeH.R. Nightmare,LoveAndLunchmeatKayjaiLizzieCrackedRachaelODNTBrianLindaJohn,BenzekneesSandyLikeABeach

p.s. blame Red heh

So You Wanna Know About Reno!

Reno: The Biggest Little City In The World

It’s very important that you know the Weather Forecast for Reno.  Luckily there are only two seasons!
Winter: Six months of bone-chilling cold, snow, five layer (clothing) dip and an unavoidable wish to die.
Summer: Six months of skull melting heat from that big shiny hurty thing in the sky, literally cooking eggs on the sidewalk, foxtails, ants and an unavoidable wish to die.

Hell, I’m not only a resident but a correspondent. Well used to be the latter.
The –redacted- Network had cretinous people that actually Paid Cash Money for text weather updates. This was the most boring and mind numbing facet of an otherwise kick-ass job. So, the asshats who couldn’t be bothered to look out the window in the morning would get a text advising that day’s weather.

Okay, for six months it’s fucking hot and sunny. For six months it’s fucking cold and/or snowing. Only had about 35 characters to work with so you can imagine the excitement of these mass texts. One day my mind went. On a July day sent out to thousands of subscribers ‘Hot. 90% Chance of Snow. High 135F. Low -65F’
Thank god my boss had a sense of humor. Seems a few people were actually confused and called in.

Second: Reno’s Economy

Reno Foreclosure Fun

Frankie, Dean and Sammy played the casinos here in Reno. Frankie owned a portion of one.
There was a Flamingo, Sands, two Hiltons, Hyatt, Fitzgeralds, and all of the originals that are no longer here.
Well some are here. Most of the others have been bulldozed or decaying on the strip.
Thanks to the northern California Indian casinos and utter Idiocy of the City of Reno.

Third:Average People of Reno

In late August there’s a world famous annual art event and temporary community in the desert outside of town..
Come October the citizens who couldn’t get tickets set fire to the city.

Fourth: Modest Mouse

One of the best heart-wrenching videos ever was filmed here.

Tune in later for Part Two: So You Wanna Know about Las Vegas; that other city in Nevada

~Miss R

listening to: Bette Midler; Radio City Music Hall Live 2004

The Staggering Gourmet

Oh I miss Graham Kerr.

So, all that weight I lost while recovering form the back surgery last year? Gained 30 back from the 40 lost.

Totally depressing. Was actually able to wear my cool-ass TRIPP skirts and Goth shirts. First time in five years.

Now…. Not happening. Am back to lying flat on the bed struggling to get that zipper up on my jeans. The fave bondage style jeans? Can get them on but… need a longer –looser- shirt to cover my belly. Just the chains and straps show. Not cool.

So back on to the Atkins I went. Yeah always gain weight afterwards. There is NO diet that works. If they did no one would be overweight.

Hey you on a diet… let that sink in. Eat less, exercise. The only answer,

Well, the depression has overtaken me since I asked my BF to move out in October, and the pain is unmanageable (more on being ‘granted’ Medicaid and losing EVERY decent doctor because of that, later) and of course the snow, ice, blahblah blah. Can only say yours truly leaves the house (i.e. bedroom because I can only afford to heat one room) once a week. Maybe.

So am back to being a fattie. To me at least. Actually med-wise as well. To the ‘charts; I should weigh a minimum of 140 at my Amazon height of 5’2″

Yeah I was the loser in school ‘fatso fatso two by four couldn’t get through the kitchen door’. Worse? I was a ‘brainiac’, straight A’s, last picked for anything in PE geek-o-rama: believed it my entire life and kept picking boyfriends who reinforced it. Look at those old photos now, days when I was in my 20’a and 30’s. Fucking hottie! Fucking dumbass!

Who knew. I didn’t. Broken picker. Surely whined about this previously which brings me to….

New and Improved Improved YoYo-Dyne Diet.

Follow the Easy Street To Weight Loss (Assuming you’ve given up the bulimia in your 20’s and 30’s –want it baaaaack)- and are not anorexic (see dictionary: my sister).

  1. No bread.  note: Do NOT kill yourself yet. You’ll want that death wish later
  2. No taters, cottage cheese, cream cheese, pasta, or..well anything but meat.
  3. Yes this is ASS. All the butter and fabulous fresh pressed olive oil you can eat. Without bread or potatoes or pasta.
  4. Veggies. Not all. Broccoli and Spinach are good. No carrots. No green beans. Certainly no corn or beans! Pretty sure the gas situation is what helps. Who the hell wants to be anywhere near you?
  5. You can already tell your budget is broken by now. But hey! You will lose weight.
  6. So you want a cocktail? Who doesn’t? Thanks to extensive research by John Bigbootie (no longer with YoYo-Dyne due to –REDACTED–) we have discovered that Gin is the lowest in carbs of any adult beverage.

Based upon this discovery we recommend a Gin and DIET tonic for the occasional cocktail. Sorry, if you’re a drunk you’re pretty much fucked. And fat. No not overweight. Fucking fat. Have you SEEN the Midwest or Reno? Pretty sure Mumu’s are sold by the gross here and everyplace else in the West, Exception being San Francisco and LA. Well, you kids back east have the entire South to deal with, so it works out.

  1. Okay cocktails covered but how to combine them and STILL lose weight?! This is where YoYo-Dyne comes in. Lemme ‘splain….

Tonight’s meal: sautéed mushrooms (yes from a fucking can but you CAN make them tasty with caramelizing onions, seasoning, etc), green onions –almost gone but cut those fuckers down, wash em and cut em. Chop fresh garlic (cheap!) in a pan. Add garlic infused (not flavored) oil and REAL butter. Set aside. Oh, hope you added the (cheap-ass) white wine.

Dredge beaten-to-a-pulp skinless boneless Chicken breasts in an egg and a small amount of flour. (Yeah fuck the dead Dr. Atkins on the flour situation). Cook said chicken until just about done. Add the nommy shrooms, onion and garlic. Stir. Hope you added the dammed white wine. Serve. With remaining glass of hideous white wine. You won’t mind because you’re fucking sick of gin.

  1. Oh dear god what a great meal. With leftovers if you use two chickie breasts. Works great when you can’t afford fresh veggies (fucking 1%ers!) and best when you buy the chicken breasts in a bag from Wal-Mart or Winco.
  2. Ta Da! You have used the wine in the chicken, veggies AND your glass. Sure you’ve shot the Atkins level of carbs but you WILL lose weight.
  3. Final note: Do not ever EVER go on a date to a steak house with baked potatoes, fresh cheese bread and appetizers on the menu. Which I did last night. Praying for death now.
  4. Repeat Step One and Pray for Death

All My Nerdy Love,

Voluptuous in Reno

 

Two Fer Tuesday Affirmations for The Deranged

cute kittens!

Many years ago, in a neighborhood not that far away, I and a friend exchanged our own personal Affirmations For the Day.

In order to bring a bit of true light into your dreary little lives I shall share two of mine which were carefully crafted to bring joy and inspiration to the huddled masses everywhere. You’re Welcome.

“If someone compliments me today
I will look for the hidden agenda”

and if you’re still not enlightened…

“Today I will create a crisis situation
so that i may feel truly alive”

Thinking of making this a weekly post. We all need a mantra for the day. Me, being such a giver, have bestowed two upon you my beloved reader.

Choose wisely Grasshopper.

~Miss R

Seasonal Serial Killer Disorder

In the last month I’ve survived the end of the world, dad’s birthday (he’s been gone for 3 years now but it’s still painful as hell), a nasty epidural from The Butcher, my kid stressing over her freshman college midterms, my boyfriend packing to move out (even though I asked  him to), male pattern baldness and iron poor blood.

Alright, a few of these may be imagined. Or cured with Geritol. Geritol ad courtesy of Welk Family blog at Blogspot

Why is it that Fall begets stress? Similar to a Cinemafia conspiracy worthy of Oliver Stone.

Decided to do some scientific research to answer the burning question:

Why does the beginning of Fall initiate the beginning of Stress, Cold and Flu Season?

Besides the obvious immediate climate change here in Reno, Nevada.

Our state slogan: No Fall. No Spring. No Soup for you.

damned snow all winter..in the DESERT

Move to the Desert! The Weather is Here. Glad You're Not?

Here’s what I’ve come up with, based on said scientific research. A poll of random Reno-ites, taken over the period of no determinate time, geographical location in the city and particularly no control group. If you’ll note I said scientific and not the scientific method.

The Question posed to our random sampling of the citizens of Reno was:

Why Does Fall Instigate Your Inner Serial Killer?

Here are a few randomly chosen answers:

  1. All I can think about is the money my husband brings home and how we’ll pay for my Halloween candy, my birthday presents, other people’s birthday gifts as well of course, my Thanksgiving dinner, my Christmas gifts and of course what is going to be left after all of that? What about my bon-bons? Do you have my remote?
  2. What does that mean? Serial Killers? Get the hell away from me
  3. Well I don’t like the snow or driving in it. It brings all of the aliens up from Roswell and Rachel to Reno. Haven’t you noticed the radical lack of tin foil during the upcoming cold months?
  4. If you don’t get off this here property I’ll shoot ‘ya where you stand
  5. As a journalism graduate student at UNR my answer is, uh, ummm, you know like it’s just, ah, stressful.
  6. If you don’t get off this here property I’ll shoot ‘ya where you stand
  7. I LOVE the Fall and beginning of winter. And of course being from California originally we’re used to serial killers
  8. I don’t know. When my husband gets home I’ll ask him what we think.

There were at least 100 respondents and it was discovered that the small sample above was representative of them all.

In Conclusion:

Inhabitants refuse to embrace their Inner Serial Killer, which is sad and may explain the morbid obesity rampant in the city. The vast majority of citizens in Reno are armed with unregistered firearms and WANT to shoot you on sight. Civil Rights of any kind seem to have stopped eight to ten hours south of this place. Or perhaps 30 years. Do NOT send your kids to University of Nevada Reno. There is a ratio of 8 nutters to 10 non-nutters in our city’s populace.

So I’ve found the succinct answer to the question, seasonal stress, urge to kill and iron poor blood.

Move.

~Miss R

Adopt an Eccentric!

One Eccentric Dies Every Three Seconds.
You can make a Difference!

Why send money to Africa or Latin America and adopt a child who will never see you or really give a shit?
There are deserving people right here in Reno Nevada who need your help!

Every day another Eccentric is pushed from their home and winds up on the street. It’s sad isn’t it. A life wasted. A worthess college degree, musical talent, and the darkest and most absurd sarcasm on the planet snuffed out like a candle.
But you can help.

That’s right, for only a dollar a day you can help save a local person from a life of petty crime, poverty and all of those gross fucking flies.

When you adopt Rachael here’s what you’ll Receive:

A picture of your adopted Eccentric (please send additional $50.00 for a ‘special’ picture)
A hand-written letter from Rachael thanking you for your generosity and incredible altruistic foresight
A Designated Driver for all of those society functions you attend
A Lifetime supply of dark twisted jokes and observations
An Obsessive Compulsive Streak guaranteeing you a clean spotless home

100% of your donation goes directly to your Eccentric!

Time is running out. Won’t you please help?
Without concerned people such as you this Eccentric will wind up on the streets in a matter of two weeks.
Can you really live with yourself knowing that this Flower of Gentility and Erudition is living under the bridge off of 4th Street?

Make a difference! Give to the Adopt An Eccentric Fund today and see Rachael’s eyes light up and shine again.
With hope.

May Flying Spaghetti Monster Bless you and Hold you with His Noodly Goodness.

Currently listening:
Morph the Cat
By: Donald Fagen
Release date: 14 March, 2006

(not for much longer though because the power is going to be shut off)

An Honest Resume

RESUME

R. C. Black

Position Desired: Anything that involves a lax working environment, Merlot, regular breaks, and complete anonymity
Salary Desired: 60K a year starting is acceptable OR you could pay my phone and electric before it’s shut off on Friday. Either one’s good.

Qualifications:
Piss poor writer with a compelling need to break all rules of grammar which were enforced during college English and writing classes. Mediocre musician with a specialty for ragtime which is of great value if you are making a period film circa 1905 to 1925.
Works well with others by smiling and nodding and then going home at night to create intricate voodoo dolls of the people who have pissed me off.
Ten years of experience in web design which no one in their right mind would pay for. 
Adept at wrecking HTML, JavaScript, CSS, ASP and DHTML.
Extensive experience with PhotoShop; forte is replacing faces on porn star bodies with the people at work who have pissed me off. Then posting them on my blog.
Ten years experience in finance and banking which allows me to gloat when management cannot compute the quarterly budget.
Can barely operate a typewriter but can spew forth sarcasm and sadness with equal fervor when cornered.
Unable to maintain a relationship which is a boon for an employer. No worries about potential  bad feelings between co-workers!

Experience:

KREN TV
Executive Producer of Online Media.

Cruising Youtube and Fark.com while wasting the station’s money with the rest of the production crew making self-serving and satiric videos for the web. Fucking off a lot. Re-designing the station website because it sucked ass. Yea verily. Agitating management. Voice-overs.

CABIN FEVER and DAMNEDGAMES.COM
Owner

Retail bizarre games, toys and puzzles. A waste of 10 years of my life. Lost everything I worked for in the divorce. Malcom Forbes cut me from his last party the bastard. Successful e-commerce site which is also gone. Management of all employees most of whom were drugged out college students and bitter housewives. My people.

Education:
BFA Music Performance 1982
Cal State Long Beach (utterly pathetic isn’t it)

Affiliations:
Alumni: Capistrano by the Sea Home for Cognitive Impairment
Mensa: I probably cheated to get in because I’m a fucking genius

Response from my Slumlord

July 27, 2007

Dear R.C. Black-Raven,

It is always a pleasure to hear from our clients! We here at Shoenberger & Shoenberger have amassed a large data base of letters just like your and have enabled out staff to look up issues by type, location and even by tenant.

Goldstar (the parent company of Shoenberger and Shoenberger and a subsidiary of Warner Brothers Television) is a fine brand of Air Recirculation unit met to be used in a small camping tent or other enclosed space. The placement it your apartment was met to increase air circulation on the outside of the unit to increase the drying time of the buildings siding after watering.
The whirring noise you here is actually an artificial sound generated to inform inspectors that the unit is on and running properly. The “smoke” serves the same role but in a visual manner so as to conform to the Americans with Disabilities Act.

We are always happy to answer any and all questions made by our tenants in hops of developing a clear and consistent dialogue between ourselves and out legal counsel.

In answer to your question regarding the painting of the building, we must advise you to not, under any circumstances to come into direct contact with the actual external “paint” of the building. The “paint” layer currently on the building was bought 20 years ago from our supplier in the former Soviet Union and was initially intended as a barrier for the inside of the Peoples Nuclear Reactor number 19. The “paint” contains a very high lead count and several other agents that have been shown to cause cancer of an unknown type in laboratory animals and political “test subjects”. If you are coming into contact with chips or dust from the paint please go to a health care provider as soon as possible. If you decide on your own accorded to scrape the “paint” please do not use any metal tools as this could result in a reaction that has been deemed catastrophic by several government agencies including the EPA, the NSA, FBI and CIA. That said if you were to remove and dispose of the “paint” we could offer you a discount in rent in the amount totaling 3% of your rent. We will not be able to cover any medical expenses or death benefits as a resulting in your decision to handle the “paint”.

Your concern about the condition of the parking lot has been noted in our database. Please be advised that though the parking lot is in a transitional phase from asphalt to the more eco-friendly and socially acceptable dirt lot we can not be held responsible for any damages that may or may not be a result of debris that may or may not be in the lot.

The yellow jackets that you speak off are imaginary. There is simply no creature on the planet that can live for more than a few hours after being in direct contact with the “paint” on the side of the building.

Please feel free to use any of the items that are left from previous tenants for your enjoyment. We are pleased to keep on site not only spare carpeting for repairs but furniture that could be of use to our more impoverished tenants. We are always happy to have an inventory update and will quickly restock the broken flower pot and aluminum cans that appear to have been used in some manner by tenants for a reason other than the aesthetic value for which there were originally placed. If you do start a small business selling candy and memorabilia on site you must acquire a local business permit and submit to Shoenberger and Shoenberger a profit-sharing agenda.

Your flowers are alive? We will speak to LittleOleMan about this today and have the issue rectified.

Shoenberger & Shoenberger
1665 Lakeside Drive Suite 102
Reno, NV. 89509


I confess. This isn’t the real response. It appeared as a comment by my great friend John Geiger.

The original piece ‘Letter to My Slumlord was published simultaneously on my mirror site ,which shall remain nameless because it’s really fucking embarrassing.  This comment is from that posting. It’s funny and deserves its own page. Thanks John. Wherever you are
FYI: the dig at Warner Brothers is there because I was working for The Frog.The Warner Brothers Frog