A Pictorial Guide to Why I Live For Burning Man. NSFW

Yes, there IS a wine named after yours truly

So I was lucky enough to be gifted a ticket this year. It’s a testament to being kind to others, always be there to help anyone who needs it, friend or stranger, and follow the Ten Principles. Thank god nothing like the 12 Steps.

Here are a few of my fave shots from the past 8 years.

black rock city sign

Critical Tits 2008

Critical Tits

Only a small part of the experience. The rest can only be described as Disneyland for Adults. Clean and Sober or X and Other. Eat your heart out El Guapo heh. Left my naked bar dances out.

Bliss Dance

Bliss Dance: Best most beautiful, musical and lovely piece on the playa last year

oops ater bindage demo

Ah, forgot the PS on this one. Just finished being the ‘demo’ for our Japanese Rope Bondage Class

Burning Band

Burning Band Buds: Moi, David  Silverton of Tubatron fame (also an exec producer for The Simpsons for 20 years) and Birdsong from the New Orleans Jazz band Pair ‘o Dice.

Ancient Solemn Atheist Rain Dance

Ancient Solemn Atheist Rain Dance

Burning Man 2011

The Man burns on Saturday night. It can be seen from space and arrangements are made each year with the NSA to indicate this

Burning Man 2009

I met a gorgeous GORGEOUS young guy from New Zealand (at my age this means he was in his early 30’s. Maybe. Maybe late 20’s but who’s counting) while bartending.

This was at about 3:00 a.m. after the Burning Band (I play flute) gig when I showed up at camp with NO uniform or clothes except my name tag on my bra. Which as we all know basically says “If found wandering in a black-out please return to Spanky’s”

The hottie and I hit it off and when I closed up Spanky’s at 6:00 a.m. he came back to my RV. Well….. he’d been up too late. Uh huh.
I was nestled in the area with OC Charlie, Gina, Birdsong, Catfish, Lucky Bastard and the main Spanky’s thoroughfare.

I come out of the RV at 7:00 a.m. and OC Charlie, Gina and Birdsong are sitting outside our RV’s having a beer. As you do.
Charlie says “Hey Rach how’s it going in there?”
I say “Not so good dude. The guy’s having serious problems gimme a beer.”
After hanging out with my Spanker friends for a while I return to the RV.
Suddenly I hear – on a fucking Bullhorn- Charlie’s voice

This entire scenario went on for at least 5 hours. The poor bastard (gorgeous did I mention that) finally said good-bye in between bullhorn blasts and the rest of the camp looking over to see who was being ummmmm Blasted At.

Final Note: He came back 2 days later wondering where I was and asking if he could  join Spanky’s Village next year.
Mission Accomplished.

Swingers, Small Children and Stupid Ads

Two ads that are pissing me off:

1.  “The BIG one day sale at Lane Bryant!”
Well no shit. The smallest size they carry is a 14. I love that place, they even carry some kick-ass lingerie. I always feel so damned svelte in there. Anyway, what cretin devised the ad tag though? There’s a BIG difference between a size 14 or 18 and a size 26. Ugh.

2. “We have 500 tons of rice in Taiwan that needs to get to Africa and we need it now. Today.”
Hey assholes. What were you thinking accepting a bunch of maggot infested rice from one continent which does you no good unless it’s transported to another continent? How much is it costing you to run this ad over and over and over on every cable channel?

Okay I’m done with that rant. Stay tuned for more fun later.

Swingers Party

Visited a truly slimy yet interesting Swinger Bar/Club last week, thanks again to my pure-as-the-driven-snow (in Reno) houseguests we bundled into their car and headed to Dilligas. It was about 6:00 pm on a Thursday night. Besides the funny bartender (funny haha in case you were wondering) there were two guys in there and we three visitors from another planet.
Lucky me. Just having a pair of fab tits provided two drink offers gratis.  Right away.
Had cranberry juice.  The sleazy swine who purchased them for me didn’t know I wasn’t getting snockered though.
And it was good.

Well, pretty soon there two more single guys so now they’re buying drinks (with vodka yummy) for Lisa. She also has tits.
After playing some pool, dancing on the pole until I was exhausted, laughing, and doing some high intensity time wasting the guys in the bar were buying Dave drinks.
Dave has no tits.
He was however was the only guy in the bar with women who did have tits.

Eventually the bartender showed us the ‘back room’.
Kids, besides a swing it was nothing but a large mirrored room full-up with couches.
Was it titillating (there’s that word sorta again)? No.
I’m thinking…steam clean everything in here, gimme 5 gallons of Clorox and then I’d take off my shoes. But leave my socks on. Everything else too.
Oh well not my scene. Why is fantasy so much better than reality?
I had to go and see it though. In the name of science and all.

Yesterday was dull and I soaked my feet in scented bath salts, grabbed the pumice stone and then gave myself a pedicure. Watched American Gangster on DVD during this time consuming yet comforting process. It’s nice to have friends with access to pirated copies of movies.

A small child was in my house yesterday. She stole my Menthos, ate my toast and attempted to get Lizzie Borden to eat a mint.
Sometimes it sucks to have friends with access to three year olds.

Where did my life go.
For the love of Flying Spaghetti Monster where did my life go?!

Next Blog: Me breaking into my own apartment Wednesday night at 5:00 p.m., through the front window. Wearing hot pink industrial fishnets, a short skirt and no panties. Then the truck broke down in a scary part of town. And I died.

Here’s your Friday Night Affirmation:

“Today I will perform self-obsessive actions
such as asking ‘does my ass look fat in this’
while other people are involved in conversation or trying to rest”

~Miss R

Currently listening:
Your Favorite Weapon
By: Brand New
Release date: 18 February, 2003

i’m finished writing porn. that was quick.

Yeah it was a fun writing the SBT piece this morning, but it was after all a toss-off. No full character descriptions, no real mood. It was just a pornographic essay. Wish I found something redeeming in it but I can’t. Oh well.
Maybe someday I’ll go back and make it into a readable story.

It was an exercise, nothing more, and I certainly didn’t have the feeling of accomplishment which accompanies a piece that I really love writing.
That blog will be changed from Preferred to Private by tomorrow morning.

I’ll keep writing for SBT but my future pieces will be commentaries about sex. After all there isn’t anything funnier than sex right? Except death.
Not taxes though. Death funny. Taxes sad.

Anyway, I spent the better part of the afternoon filling out yet another ream of government paperwork. This time in a last-ditch effort to obtain a rent subsidy.
You know it wasn’t so much the pages and pages of the application. It’s the time taken to find all of the documentation which has to be submitted. My god. I had to locate the payoff letter from my last mortgage… which was three years ago.
What possible relevance could this have to present circumstances? Hell if I know.

Tomorrow I have to photocopy all of this crap, send it in and will then be placed on a ‘waiting list.’
After moving up the list (which appears to be based on some kind of voodoo inspired random generator) I’ll get ‘the appointment.’
No not the apartment. The appointment.
Apparently I get to bring in all of the originals of the crap I’ve already photocopied and hang out with a minion of the government agency.
Yeah it’s a laugh a minute here at Chez Noir.

Took a great walk this afternoon. Looked inside a house that was for rent. It’s way out of my price range (hey so’s a roach infested closet!) but I just adore the 1920’s homes here in Old Southwest. Hardwood floors, sconces, huge windows, wonderful woodwork and reliefs. Plus a dark creepy basement.
What’s not to love there?

Worked on one of my songs before dinner. ‘Acquisition’ it’s called.
I may have an opportunity to play three of my original tunes at a show here in Reno on November 29th.
This means I’ll have to perform for at least one open mic this month. Tomorrow night is the Reno Music Project Open Mic but I’m so not ready.
Hell I spent 20 minutes re-tuning the DX-7 tonight because it was ½ step off key.
What the fuck? How did I do that? Better yet when????

Well my friends it’s time to take it easy. There’s a CSI on tonight you know.
My real life as a swinging single gal.
Bring on the popcorn.

~Miss R

Currently listening:
Casino Lights
By: Al Jarreau, Randy Crawford, Yellowjackets, Neil Larsen, Buzz Feiten, Mike Maineri, Larry Carlton, David Sanborn

Is It True That..? -OR- Burning Man Points of Interest

The True and False Section

It seems out of control for most people: False.

There was NOTHING that shocked me. Of course that probably doesn’t say a hell of a lot considering the source here
2. It’s a bunch of Dumbass (bareass) Naked People: False.
Not even many topless gals with the exception of Critical Tits and Spyder Monkey from Camp Stalker. She rocks. Gotta find that gal again.
3. Sex Sex Sex! False and True.
Well I’m sure that there was hella sex happening. As a woman I couldn’t walk 10 feet without getting hit on. Very flattering; “Will you be my Playa girlfriend?” but have to say that with the exception of a case of crabs in college I’ve avoided STDs my entire life. Thought that I’d keep it that way. I did receive a great sample of lube from the guys at Camp Penguin though. They also were the fine purveyors of red wine and home-made dark chocolate. Gah what goes better than those three things? Nuttin honey.
4. Everyone at Burning Man is a fucking hippie: False.
I am not a fucking hippie. Although I do enjoy fucking I also enjoy regular bathing and attempting to pay my bills. The great thing about Burning Man is that NO ONE gives a shit what you do for a living, or even asks.
5. There are too many under-age folk: True.
Not sure what the hell was up with this. I’d kick my daughter’s ass. I will say that the average age of Burners seems to be early to mid 30’s though.
6. It’s nothing but drugs out there. False.
It’s nothing but booze AND drugs out there!

Okay not really.There are two great sober camps, both Camp Stella and Anonymous Camp.
7. There are no Glow Sticks left in any store within the 100 mile radius of Reno. True!
Every damned one adorned a person on the playa.
8. You can go to Burning Man with nothing but a tent and survive. True.
You would not want to though. This defeats the entire purpose of sharing, meeting and being self-reliant.
9. It’s too dusty and you’ll hate it. True AND False.
It IS friggin dusty but you will not hate it. Dust storms are part of the family sharing process. I did find out that two of them this year were the worst in recent memory. Woo hoo.
10. You have to bring trinkets to trade. False.
You don’t have to do so. I thought to bring stickers from the old inventory and the night of the Bigass Dust Storm gave away at least 20 ‘Nature is Pissed’ Stickers to people who helped me out, smiled or showed kindness. I also received some totally cool gifts including a necklace that looks as if it’s made out of a small femur bone. Got this from a Canadian who could not find his way home one night. I was less lost than he was. There’s a scary thought.
11. Don’t accept a drink or food from anyone because you’ll get dosed. False.
Hell, I WISH!

12. You don’t need a bike because there are ‘public’ bikes. False.
I never saw one of the alleged public bikes during my stay. Bring your own bike for the love of allah.

Continue reading

The Artist Formerly Known As

Tinfoil Hat Guy Client has a new honorific!

I have decided that today August 28, 2007 is a holiday, and that Tinfoil Hat Guy shall be heretoforth be known as
Tinfoil AssHat guy.

Had a meeting with him yesterday. He sat there and in all seriousness told me that the spam he is receiving now is directly related to personal conversations in his house with his wife.
I swear to god you can’t make this shit up.

Have been working on his site all afternoon to try and get caught up.
Am leaving for burning man on Thursday (wish it were today!) or possibly as late as Friday. Will return Monday.
I’m so looking forward to seeing everything at BRC that I’m almost wet;
abstract art, surreal art, deviant art, fire art, body art, car art, garfunkel and art, people art, structural art.

You know what the best part is?
Telling people I’m a virgin.
Yeppers my daughter was the Immaculate Conception and that makes me…. more popular than Jesus.
Hell my middle name IS Christine.
Okay a virgin to Burning man.

So now have some fun.
Say outloud I’m A Virgin!
Do you or do you not fucking laugh?
Well my friends laugh hysterically.

Think everything is ready.
Oh hell it is.
As if My Favorite Neurotic would leave anything out or worse yet to chance.
Well except romance and love. I leave that to chance and it keeps leaving me out.

Guess it is not meant to be at this point in life yes?

Ran some last minute errands in the White-Trash-Redneck-Ugly-Ass-Way-Too-Fucking-Big-(never thought you’d hear me say that didja) -Please-Paint-Me truck this afternoon.
Since the passenger side window does not roll up there’s only so much that can be done in one trip.
Yeah. Think I’ll leave things just purchased (with money I don’t have) in an unlocked window-free vehicle.

Done working for tonight. There’s only so much hellish work that can be completed with my limited knowledge:
Dammit Jim I’m a Webmistress not a Programmer!

~Miss R

Currently listening:
Version 2.0
By: Garbage
Release date: 12 May, 1998

hide and seek

Spent the weekend working. Will code html for food

Deadlines from a client placed me in a position of torturous stress. Slept two hours on Saturday night and was back at work on the site at 5:30 am. All told I got 6 hours of sleep over a prior 72.

This site was supposed to be fully designed, functional and up and running by the time The Oscars aired. The client had purchased air time for the broadcast on a whim Thursday night. Two days prior to this she’d said not to worry since the kick-off date for the company was pushed back another 3 weeks.
Nothing like a two day warning to raise the blood pressure.

They rejected my first design but loved the second one. I’ve still got a hell of a lot of work to do on it though. Gotta say that my design was fab until they had me add 20 paragraphs of text to the index page. Ugh.

The remaining time slaving involves setting up their shopping cart and adding 160 items, including graphics for each one (full size and thumbnail thank you very much) along with enticing descriptions of the merchandise.
Here’s the dilemma: The client runs a company for ‘Ladies Night’ parties. Guess what the products are. Oh yeah...>..>..>..>

How many adjectives can one concoct for vibrators, cock rings and other accoutrements of sexual pleasure?

Speaking of which… what’s another name for thesaurus?

I’m completing the majority of design work when my daughter’s at school or in bed (or decorating her pink slippers with Anarchy symbols) Tonight she came in while I was on the phone with TK. There was a brochure on the desk showing some rather, um, graphic images.
It’s like playing hide and seek around here. Not the fun kind either.
I thank god every day that the kid still thinks that naked people are ‘gross’.

The funniest part of the whole gig is that they are paying me half in cash (a nice stipend even though I quoted them a painfully low rate because I needed the work) and half in product.
I need to re-pen the Alanis song….

It’s like a room full of toys
When you have no boyfriend
Or a ski pass at Rose on powder days
When you have to work
Isn’t it ironic

Maybe I can get in some skiing tomorrow morning before the phone calls start from my client list.
Okay there are only two of them. Sheesh you’re picky. It’s just that I’ve always wanted to say
“I have quite the power Client List, so bring me a bottle of your finest scotch garcon.”

Have also fantasized saying
“You’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” as well.

Well actually I have. It’s just that they were divorce lawyers.

Speaking of lawyers.
No. Let’s not.

So assuming I make it back alive from Mt Rose tomorrow, which also presumes I’ll make it up there, I’ll have to deal with my other client. Paranoid conspiracy theorist crazy guy.
I’ve come to a bizarre realization: people will pay you to hold their hand and listen to their weird crap. All this with a BFA in music. Praise Buddha.
You can’t make this stuff up.

Am seriously considering:
a) running away from home
b) going to beauty school and doing nails and popping gum for a living
c) divesting myself of whiny needy clients.
d) taking up a kick-ass smack habit

Dear god. I might as well be married again.
At least these guys are paying ME and I’m not the one losing their shirt.

Of course with over a thousand dollars in wonderful merchandise coming my way from client number one I’d like to lose my shirt.
Dammit I’m single.

Isn’t it Ironic.

~Miss R

Listening To:

Two Worlds/ Grusin & Ritenour
By: Dave Grusin & Lee Ritenour
Release date: 12 September, 2000


Yep that’s snow out there

Every year I reiterate the same thing so for the sake of continuity and just to make sure that you get it….

What is the ONLY thing better than a day of great skiing?
A day of great sex of course.
Yes a day of great sex. Seem to remember this occurring a few times in my life. You know, hanging out in bed except to get up and make a snack, maybe watch a movie on TV, but basically having a fine time. Some day it could happen again.
So you can see what the ultimate day would be yes? A day of great skiing followed by a night of great sex.
Ahhhh the mind reels with joyous expectation. Hey it could happen again so wipe that smirk off your face.
But I digress.

Continue reading