Swingers, Small Children and Stupid Ads

Two ads that are pissing me off:

1.  “The BIG one day sale at Lane Bryant!”
Well no shit. The smallest size they carry is a 14. I love that place, they even carry some kick-ass lingerie. I always feel so damned svelte in there. Anyway, what cretin devised the ad tag though? There’s a BIG difference between a size 14 or 18 and a size 26. Ugh.

2. “We have 500 tons of rice in Taiwan that needs to get to Africa and we need it now. Today.”
Hey assholes. What were you thinking accepting a bunch of maggot infested rice from one continent which does you no good unless it’s transported to another continent? How much is it costing you to run this ad over and over and over on every cable channel?

Okay I’m done with that rant. Stay tuned for more fun later.

Swingers Party

Visited a truly slimy yet interesting Swinger Bar/Club last week, thanks again to my pure-as-the-driven-snow (in Reno) houseguests we bundled into their car and headed to Dilligas. It was about 6:00 pm on a Thursday night. Besides the funny bartender (funny haha in case you were wondering) there were two guys in there and we three visitors from another planet.
Lucky me. Just having a pair of fab tits provided two drink offers gratis.  Right away.
Had cranberry juice.  The sleazy swine who purchased them for me didn’t know I wasn’t getting snockered though.
And it was good.

Well, pretty soon there two more single guys so now they’re buying drinks (with vodka yummy) for Lisa. She also has tits.
After playing some pool, dancing on the pole until I was exhausted, laughing, and doing some high intensity time wasting the guys in the bar were buying Dave drinks.
Dave has no tits.
He was however was the only guy in the bar with women who did have tits.

Eventually the bartender showed us the ‘back room’.
Kids, besides a swing it was nothing but a large mirrored room full-up with couches.
Was it titillating (there’s that word sorta again)? No.
I’m thinking…steam clean everything in here, gimme 5 gallons of Clorox and then I’d take off my shoes. But leave my socks on. Everything else too.
Oh well not my scene. Why is fantasy so much better than reality?
I had to go and see it though. In the name of science and all.

Yesterday was dull and I soaked my feet in scented bath salts, grabbed the pumice stone and then gave myself a pedicure. Watched American Gangster on DVD during this time consuming yet comforting process. It’s nice to have friends with access to pirated copies of movies.

A small child was in my house yesterday. She stole my Menthos, ate my toast and attempted to get Lizzie Borden to eat a mint.
Sometimes it sucks to have friends with access to three year olds.

Where did my life go.
For the love of Flying Spaghetti Monster where did my life go?!

Next Blog: Me breaking into my own apartment Wednesday night at 5:00 p.m., through the front window. Wearing hot pink industrial fishnets, a short skirt and no panties. Then the truck broke down in a scary part of town. And I died.

Here’s your Friday Night Affirmation:

“Today I will perform self-obsessive actions
such as asking ‘does my ass look fat in this’
while other people are involved in conversation or trying to rest”

~Miss R

Currently listening:
Your Favorite Weapon
By: Brand New
Release date: 18 February, 2003