The Staggering Gourmet

Oh I miss Graham Kerr.

So, all that weight I lost while recovering form the back surgery last year? Gained 30 back from the 40 lost.

Totally depressing. Was actually able to wear my cool-ass TRIPP skirts and Goth shirts. First time in five years.

Now…. Not happening. Am back to lying flat on the bed struggling to get that zipper up on my jeans. The fave bondage style jeans? Can get them on but… need a longer –looser- shirt to cover my belly. Just the chains and straps show. Not cool.

So back on to the Atkins I went. Yeah always gain weight afterwards. There is NO diet that works. If they did no one would be overweight.

Hey you on a diet… let that sink in. Eat less, exercise. The only answer,

Well, the depression has overtaken me since I asked my BF to move out in October, and the pain is unmanageable (more on being ‘granted’ Medicaid and losing EVERY decent doctor because of that, later) and of course the snow, ice, blahblah blah. Can only say yours truly leaves the house (i.e. bedroom because I can only afford to heat one room) once a week. Maybe.

So am back to being a fattie. To me at least. Actually med-wise as well. To the ‘charts; I should weigh a minimum of 140 at my Amazon height of 5’2″

Yeah I was the loser in school ‘fatso fatso two by four couldn’t get through the kitchen door’. Worse? I was a ‘brainiac’, straight A’s, last picked for anything in PE geek-o-rama: believed it my entire life and kept picking boyfriends who reinforced it. Look at those old photos now, days when I was in my 20’a and 30’s. Fucking hottie! Fucking dumbass!

Who knew. I didn’t. Broken picker. Surely whined about this previously which brings me to….

New and Improved Improved YoYo-Dyne Diet.

Follow the Easy Street To Weight Loss (Assuming you’ve given up the bulimia in your 20’s and 30’s –want it baaaaack)- and are not anorexic (see dictionary: my sister).

  1. No bread.  note: Do NOT kill yourself yet. You’ll want that death wish later
  2. No taters, cottage cheese, cream cheese, pasta, or..well anything but meat.
  3. Yes this is ASS. All the butter and fabulous fresh pressed olive oil you can eat. Without bread or potatoes or pasta.
  4. Veggies. Not all. Broccoli and Spinach are good. No carrots. No green beans. Certainly no corn or beans! Pretty sure the gas situation is what helps. Who the hell wants to be anywhere near you?
  5. You can already tell your budget is broken by now. But hey! You will lose weight.
  6. So you want a cocktail? Who doesn’t? Thanks to extensive research by John Bigbootie (no longer with YoYo-Dyne due to –REDACTED–) we have discovered that Gin is the lowest in carbs of any adult beverage.

Based upon this discovery we recommend a Gin and DIET tonic for the occasional cocktail. Sorry, if you’re a drunk you’re pretty much fucked. And fat. No not overweight. Fucking fat. Have you SEEN the Midwest or Reno? Pretty sure Mumu’s are sold by the gross here and everyplace else in the West, Exception being San Francisco and LA. Well, you kids back east have the entire South to deal with, so it works out.

  1. Okay cocktails covered but how to combine them and STILL lose weight?! This is where YoYo-Dyne comes in. Lemme ‘splain….

Tonight’s meal: sautéed mushrooms (yes from a fucking can but you CAN make them tasty with caramelizing onions, seasoning, etc), green onions –almost gone but cut those fuckers down, wash em and cut em. Chop fresh garlic (cheap!) in a pan. Add garlic infused (not flavored) oil and REAL butter. Set aside. Oh, hope you added the (cheap-ass) white wine.

Dredge beaten-to-a-pulp skinless boneless Chicken breasts in an egg and a small amount of flour. (Yeah fuck the dead Dr. Atkins on the flour situation). Cook said chicken until just about done. Add the nommy shrooms, onion and garlic. Stir. Hope you added the dammed white wine. Serve. With remaining glass of hideous white wine. You won’t mind because you’re fucking sick of gin.

  1. Oh dear god what a great meal. With leftovers if you use two chickie breasts. Works great when you can’t afford fresh veggies (fucking 1%ers!) and best when you buy the chicken breasts in a bag from Wal-Mart or Winco.
  2. Ta Da! You have used the wine in the chicken, veggies AND your glass. Sure you’ve shot the Atkins level of carbs but you WILL lose weight.
  3. Final note: Do not ever EVER go on a date to a steak house with baked potatoes, fresh cheese bread and appetizers on the menu. Which I did last night. Praying for death now.
  4. Repeat Step One and Pray for Death

All My Nerdy Love,

Voluptuous in Reno

 

Atkins for Alkies -Or- How To Lose 10 Pounds in Under a Month

Lose Weight The YoYodyne Way!

Welcome chubbies, chubbettes, fatties, drunkards and of course my family which is monitoring my every move. Wait. That’s the government.

Gimme a chance to adjust the tinfoil. Okay we’re good now. So Chubby. Let’s talk.

Don’t want to give up wine or gin totally? Can no longer ski or exercise as much due to a physical disability? I have great news for you!

Make a few adjustments and TA DA!  Lose 10 pounds in less than a month. We will pay you to lose weight! No. Not really.

Here’s how you do it!

1.      No fucking exercises –unless your Physical Terrorist prescribes it for your back. Trust me it burns zero calories

2.      Eat ONLY meats (red meat, chicken, fish, pork) and green veggies. -shudder-

3.      4 oz of cheese max a day (as much of the Kraft Parmesan for seasoning as you want though)

4.      Eat as MUCH as you can stand. I fucking hate celery but am eating it with cream cheese.

5.      DRINK a half gallon of wine or gin every 3 days or whenever the diet starts to really piss you off

6.      No sugar, bread, popcorn, wheat, potatoes, etc

7.      Okay if you can exercise then go for it. I miss the long walks

I do not recommend this diet for everyone. Hell, if you need to lose 5 or 10 pounds you’re just freaking vain.

If you need to lose 30+ pounds though it works pretty dammed well. No paying for ‘pre-planned meals’, no hours at the gym picking up e-coli from the Stairmaster. Best of all… you can have a damned cocktail every so often.

It’s the ‘Induction’ portion of the Atkins diet but with Tasty Beverages added.  And it works as well as the original!

If you were one of the cool kids who called me fatso, kicked me out of softball and the sandbox then stop reading right now. Piss off. If I could hire you to clean the San Francisco Greyhound Bus Station Women’s Room with your toothbrush I would. Damned economy prevents me from fulfilling many wishes.

Anyway, I have tried every diet known to mankind:

Weight Watchers at age 11: middle aged women pointing out every square in the quilt they’d knitted to denote a pound lost. Uhhhh. was already listening to Diamond Dogs by Bowie. Freaking knitted afghans?

Jenny Craig in my 30’s: Great deal! Nice people, a few walks around the block a day, kind help every day of the week. Cool! Until they told me the cost of their ‘special food.’

Mushroom Diet: Remember that gross thing with fungus in a Tupperware and you were supposed to drink the juice from this crap? Ugh. Early 90’s hell.

In my mid 20’s and early 30’s I also had a fine cocaine diet (er, habit) while living in NYC.  Kept the weight off. Also had a CLEAN damned house. Hey it was the 80’s, it was the law back then.

Then I got married (ex-husband Number One), had a daughter, sat at a desk all day…. to once again find myself a  fatty.

Let’s face it. If any diet actually worked then NO ONE would be fat.

So try the YoYo-Dyne Way! Eat and Drink your way to American Apparel and stop spending all of your cash over at Omar The Tent Maker.

Bon appetite!

~Miss R

warning: YoYo-Dyne is not responsible for loss of appetite, heart palpitations, random sex with strangers, bitchiness, erections lasting more than 4 hours or acts of god.