Food for Obesity. Or Thought

Beauty
Forever with the love of your life
Thin
Genius
Wealth
Common Sense
Humor
Creativity
Famous not Infamous
Sanity
…you don’t get it all
~Miss R

Been MIA for close to a month. Miss you Tony, Red, Guapo, Don, Michelle, Andro, Edward, Ashley, Ahmnodt, Liqourstore Bear, Bearman and all of my other favorite excellent writers.

Life is crazy as are most of us. Here’s a quick post, written in 3 minutes for FB.

NOTE: Usually eschew FB… have no desire to waste my tad ‘o humorous genius on the huddled masses. Well okay the huddled masses are good. It’s the morons and ignorant. Believe that’s a quote from Snidely Whiplash but I could be wrong.

It’s the thought that counts


Murder! Mayhem! Sex! Free Beer!

I am so full of crap. Great headline though eh?
This is my “I am Bored and All Alone in Reno Birthday Survey”.

Please do steal and re-work it for your own glee and amusement.
I did.

you need a bat to the side of your head

Tired of all of those surveys made up by dumb and/or degenerate
high school kids?

How about one made up by a dumb and/or degenerate adult?

50 questions for the people who are a tad older

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Car insurance. Those blood suckers

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Um….. it’s been months and months. Probably TK’s house.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
Who says I’m not a virgin? Sheesh. Lies and whispers I tell ‘ya.

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
Marrying Lucky Ex-husband Number Two. That dickhead.
Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Abraham Lincoln

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sitting on a beach in the sun reading a book while simultaneously being felt up by a hot erotic man. Oh yeah, since this is fantasy I’m drinking a glass of champagne as well.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A pathologist or a movie star

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Two; graduated from the second. could n longer afford the first.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
What shirt?

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
Oh they’re too low. I must pay more.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
Somewhere warm with the ocean nearby… South America maybe

I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Thank god that was a dream –shudder-. Nightmares are my life.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
It’s cold in here and who stole my life?

14. Favorite underwear?
none

15. Favorite thing about the opposite sex?
eyes

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
cleaning up after other people i.e. my kid

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Sure. For CIA pharmacological experiments.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Well that depends if I actually sleep at all

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
George Bush

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy /girl?
That is potentially the stupidest question I’ve ever come across. Pardon the terminology.

21. Have you found real love yet?
I did but of course I’m an idiot romantic

22. When did you first start feeling old?
In the early 90’s when I realized that my vinyl collection far outnumbered my CD collection

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Unbaptized small child. Medium rare.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
An empty wallet

26. Beach or lake?
Beach.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No. I just have a steep learning curve

28. Do you own property?
Technically my daughter is chattel and not property

29. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
Oh yeah I’m gonna post that.

31. What’s your drink?
Club Soda and Bitters. Shaken not stirred.
32. Cowboys or Indians?
Huh? What happened to ‘grown-up survey?’

33. Cops or Robbers?
I always played the Serial Killer. Strangely there is no one around to confirm this

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
Hank Stratton. He was my best friend, which brings me to a favorite joke:
Why did god invent fat girls? So little gay boys would have friends.

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
KRZQ or NPR. Don’t remember.

36. Norm or Cliff?
Norm. Cliff was not amusing just dumb. The same reason I’ve always detested I Love Lucy.

37. Grey’s or The Office?
Neither. Dexter or 60 Seconds to Disaster

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
That should read mistakes plural, this is not an essay and I am not Dostoevsky

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
You mean the cat?

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Dead? Dorothy Parker. Living? Harlan Ellison.

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
For what –raises eyebrows- ?

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
In 1982. Into a tree off of Laguna Canyon Highway. Driving my ’76 Camero. At 50+ MPH. Good times.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Well it wasn’t really me, it was the driver in car in front of me. On the 91 freeway in the middle of the desert coming back from Palm Springs. Seems the engine was on fire. Damned disposal Hyundai

44. Last book you read?
The Lost by Daniel Mendelsohn. An account of the author’s search for family members who were killed by the Nazis in Poland. It’s funny, sad, intriguing and suspenseful.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
Hell no.

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
The front yard. I don’t think that this is so strange though.

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
Camping along the Russian River

48. Do you go to church?
What is this ‘church’ you speak of?

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Funny you should mention that as I have neither

50. How old are you?
19 or 39. I can’t remember…..Steely Dan or Jack Benny

Currently listening:
Small World Big Band
By: Jools Holland & His Rhythm & Blues Orchestra
Release date: 18 December, 2001

-NOTE- This was originally posted in 2007, and answers reflect that time in our/my glorious history. In particular I was 12 years sober, still had retirement accounts, and had not yet sprouted a gray hair; the Demon Seed was not yet into the full tilt boogie evil teen mode. Seems as though nothing else has changed.
Thanks to Max for re-posting this and reminding me. See her answers to my eccentric survey at the previous link.

Oh. my birthday is  actually November 12. Gift registry available at any Dollar Store near you.

A Warm-up

So if you’ve read any of my older posts -going back 3 or 4 years-  you’ll notice some pointless surveys mixed amongst the other detritus of my mind.

Since it’s been months since my last post this is a warm-up to try and get myself back into the groove of writing. Yeah it’s a knock-off quickie (Mmmmm quickie) but it’s something.

There’s a great blog that Celluloid Blonde turned me on to today. It gave me the inspiration to re-activate the wordpress machine. If you’re a screenwriter you’ll dig this. If you’re  an amateur writer you’ll dig this. If you have ANY brains at all you’ll dig this.

Dig it?


Twenty Questions with Absolutoly No Coherent Theme

1. Beatles or Stones?
Beatles While Stoned

2. Have you ever vacuumed the house in your underwear?

WTF is underwear?

3. Do you secretly like disco?
Do you secretly like Screamo?

4. Have you ever had a monster under your bed?
Does my ex-husband count?

5. Coke or Pepsi?
Cabernet

6. If you thought you could get away with it, would you?

Yes. I have finely honed instincts of preservation

7. If you thought you would get caught, would you anyway?
No. I have finely honed instincts of preservation

8. Do you have an adventure fantasy? If yes, what is it?
It involves leather and restraints

9. You’ve lost everything. Do you lie, beg, borrow or steal to get it back?

You phrase this as if it’s THEORETICAL. Sheesh.

10. You’re driving too fast thru a residential neighborhood. A dog and a fat man are crossing the street from opposite directions. You have to hit one to avoid hitting the other. Who gets run over?
Aim for the Fat dude, use him as a cue ball and take out the dog

11. Are you saving that morsel of food that is stuck in your teeth for a special occasion?

No. It’s for you.

12. If you were invisible, where would you hang out?
I am invisible dimwit

13. You are drunk as a skunk. Do you ride A) a mechanical bull B) a stolen motorcycle C) A butt ugly member of the opposite sex
Define”butt ugly”

14. Are we human? Or are we dancer?

We are Devo

15. A train leaves NYC at 2PM EST, heading west at 140mph. A plane leaves LA at the exact same time, heading east at 700mph. Where’s Waldo?
Fixing my goddamned dinner so I don’t miss the connection in Denver

16. You’re standing butt naked on a street corner. Are you A) a pervert B) waiting for the bus C) The Emperor
The EmpRESS

17. What is the color of love?
Black. Just like my heart.


18. Will Michael Jackson be allowed into Rock & Roll Heaven?

They have stricter immigration laws there

19. In one word or less, describe your nose.
It smells terrible –rim shot-

20. Do you think the world is going to end in 2012?
Only if I’m very very lucky.

The Train Back Pt. 1

My face was practically pressed against the glass. Through the train window I could see the green hills roll by. Then a factory perched atop one, past the old Busch plant that had been closed for years. Finally the sea came into view and the amusement pier was faintly visible.

One more stop after this.

As the train slowed to the platform I tried to gather all of my things, unsure of how I’d make it out the door on time with all of this crap. A large black valise containing a change of clothes and a few books, my over-sized purse and a black leather jacket.

The woman in the seat next to mine asked how many more stops it was to the zoo. I looked over and said that she may be on the wrong train. Feeling badly (guilt about things that aren’t my fault is a specialty) I tried to grab my belongings while climbing over her, her son and the two seats between myself and the aisle.

The train had stopped and the doors opened. Suddenly that feeling of being underwater occurred. The slow motion feeling of being in a dream.

How in hell would I make it to the platform before the train took off again? Struggling with the bags and jacket it seemed like forever to pass through the rows of passengers and seats. Finally I emerged from the car and ambled to the station. After crossing the worn green tiles and emerging from the building I could see the steep hill ahead.

The hill that wound and curved upwards towards my house. Almost there I considered, and began the long walk.

In the Night…a dream

nyc moon

I sat at the end of a pier in New York City, wrapped in the arms of a man who was making me smile. I felt wanted, safe and secure. We giggled at something which struck us as funny and I laid my head on his shoulder. His arms tightened about me making the warm blood flow to my cheeks and head.

There were others about as well, all gazing at the skies and the moon, a plane taking off into the few clouds wispy in the nighttime sky. Ordinary people laughing in small groups, nodding at shared thoughts and talking softly with a look of wonder upon them.

It was a night of lost time and felicity, and all of us out there. This man and myself, all of the strangers, we felt a bond with this sultry and moonlit evening. A bond with each other and life. I felt a joy which had been missing for so very very long.

I awoke from a lovely dream.

~Miss R

Murder. Mayhem. Sex. Free Beer.

I am so full of crap. Great headline though eh?
This is my “I am Bored and All Alone in Reno Birthday Survey”.

Please do steal and re-work it for your own gleeand amusement.
I did.

you need a bat to the side of your head

Tired of all of those surveys made up by dumb and/or degenerate
high school kids?

How about one made up by a dumb and/or degenerate adult?

50 questions for the people who are a tad older

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Car insurance. Those blood suckers

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Um….. it’s been months and months. Probably TK’s house.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
Who says I’m not a virgin? Sheesh. Lies and whispers I tell ‘ya.

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
Marrying Lucky Ex-husband Number Two. That dickhead.
Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Abraham Lincoln

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sitting on a beach in the sun reading a book while simultaneously being felt up by a hot erotic man. Oh yeah, since this is fantasy I’m drinking a glass of champagne as well.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A  pathologist or a movie star

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Two; graduated from the second. could n longer afford the first.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
What shirt?

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
Oh they’re too low. I must pay more.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
Somewhere warm with the ocean nearby… South America maybe

I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Thank god that was a dream –shudder-. Nightmares are my life.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
It’s cold in here and who stole my life?

14. Favorite underwear?
none

15. Favorite thing about the opposite sex?
eyes

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
cleaning up after other people i.e. my kid

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Sure. For CIA pharmacological experiments.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Well that depends if I actually sleep at all

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
George Bush

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy /girl?
That is potentially the stupidest question I’ve ever come across. Pardon the terminology.

21. Have you found real love yet?
I did but of course I’m an idiot romantic

22. When did you first start feeling old?
In the early 90’s when I realized that my vinyl collection far outnumbered my CD collection

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Unbaptized small child. Medium rare.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
An empty wallet

26. Beach or lake?
Beach.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No. I just have a steep learning curve

28. Do you own property?
 Technically my daughter is chattel and not property

29. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
Oh yeah I’m gonna post that.

31. What’s your drink?
Club Soda and Bitters. Shaken not stirred.
32. Cowboys or Indians?
Huh? What happened to ‘grown-up survey?’

33. Cops or Robbers?
I always played the Serial Killer

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
Hank Stratton. He was my best friend, which brings me to a favorite joke:
Why did god invent fat girls? So little gay boys would have friends.

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
KRZQ or NPR. Don’t remember.

36. Norm or Cliff?
Norm. Cliff was not amusing just dumb. The same reason I’ve always detested I Love Lucy.

37. Grey’s or The Office?
Neither. Dexter or 60 Seconds to Disaster

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
That should read mistakes plural, this is not an essay and I am not Dostoevsky

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
You mean the cat?

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Now Dead? Dorothy Parker. Still Living? Harlan Ellison.

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
For what –raises eyebrows- ?

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
In 1982. Into a tree off of Laguna Canyon Highway. At 50+ MPH. Good times.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Well it wasn’t really me, it was the driver in car in front of me. On the 91 freeway in the middle of the desert coming back from Palm Springs. Seems the engine was on fire. Damned disposal Hyundai (this was in the early 90’s)

44. Last book you read?
The Lost by Daniel Mendelsohn. An account of the author’s search for family members who were killed by the Nazis in Poland. It’s funny, sad, intriguing and suspenseful.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
Hell no.

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
The front yard. I don’t think that this is so strange though.

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
Camping along the Russian River

48. Do you go to church?
What is this ‘church’ you speak of?

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Funny you should mention that as I have neither

50. How old are you?
19 or 39. I can’t remember. i.e. Steely Dan or Jack Benny

Currently listening:
Small World Big Band
By: Jools Holland & His Rhythm & Blues Orchestra
Release date: 18 December, 2001

 

-NOTE- This was originally posted in 2007, and answers reflect that time in our/my glorious history. In particular I was 12 years sober, still had retirement accounts, and had not yet  sprouted a gray hair; the Demon Seed was not yet into the full tilt boogie evil teen mode.

Baby’s in Reno with the Vitamin D

So another night passed yielding little sleep. Insomnia rules the world in Reno. Insomnia ruled my world in SoCal, NYC and the frozen tundra of northern Michigan as well.

Perhaps it is Fate’s revenge for the years spent drinking and passing out early. I was a fun drunk, then suddenly I disappear from a party and quietly fall asleep in a quiet place.

Too bad my mind has a defect which makes it impossible to know when I am truly drunk. It could be worse, I could have been a mean drinker or born a sociopath with no conscience and an alcohol problem.

Back to the point: more realistically the insomnia is a result of a dark, curious and imaginative mind. I’d like to think so.

 

The shoulders and back are still killing me and feeling wretched this morning. Am thinking I may have to visit a real live masseuse in the next few days. Or grovel sufficiently to one of my friends who are good at this.

Last resort: get a friend’s rabid ankle biter and pay them $5.00 to walk on my back.

Kids will do any damned thing for money.
If I am dating a guy the first thing out of my daughter’s mouth is “do they have kids? Can I babysit?” Gimme your money and no one gets hurt.

 

There’s this machine at the gym which resembles some type of medieval torture device. I’ve seen people strap their feet into it and manipulate the controls. It turns them upside down and appears to stretch the body straight, with the weight held by the feet.

If I could figure out how to use that thing my back would feel a lot better. Or, I’ll have an embolism from being hung upside down and my back would feel a lot better.

 

I’ve a covert addiction to forensic shows. Sorry. That was an abrupt transition but it does tie into the insomnia thing.

The Court TV forensic based programs started to piss me off. After every commercial there is a re-cap of the previous 15 minutes of the show. Granted that my attention span by evening is not as acute as earlier in the day, but my brain is still bigger than kitty’s and lasts longer than 15 minutes. Usually.
Hey! Is that a laser pointer you have there? No? A balled up cigarette package? Oh god please toss it across the floor.

Last night at 2:00 am I came across a new one (to me) on Spike called Post Mortem. Here’s what will suck me into the vacuous realm of television every time:

Black screen with white titles and an ominous voice-over ‘This program shows graphic images which some people may find disturbing etc etc etc’
Yeah baby. That’s the wholesome 30 minutes of gruesome goodness that I’m looking for.

 

By 2:45 I’m hungry since dinner was at 7:00 pm. Hell if I can figure out why keeping my weight down is an issue. As if eating while the metabolism is at hollandaise speed could have an impact.

I rummage in the pantry and find cashews. I eat a few and break the top off of my favorite tongue stud.
Dammit.
It was faceted, looked like a diamond and totally hot. Was being the operative word. At 3:00 am I’m in the bathroom trying to screw in a smooth end piece. If I had a boyfriend I’d actually wear that one not that I’m bitter.

Replacing the ball on a tongue piercing is a major undertaking. It is when you’re sleep deprived and organically spastic anyway. Do you have any idea of how small those screws pieces are? Now imagine trying to get the microscopic parts to connect, into your tongue, at 3:00 am.

Good times.

I’m tired and my muscles are aching. Wah.

Blasting from the kid’s room I’m mercifully hearing Fiona Apple instead of Slipknot and she has thoughtfully left 2 cups of coffee for me.

Another day. Another exciting adventure. Join me won’t you? There’s a sign post up ahead and it reads…. The Twilight Zone.

I’m going to ask the Demon seed to play some Beck now.
Feel like gettin’ crazy with the cheese-whiz.

Where’s Rod when you need him.

~Miss R

the last valentine’s day post swear to god

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.
Hard to believe I’ve posted only two rants this year. I’m slipping.

I’ll be home tomorrow night listening to Miles and watching a flick with the kid.

Well, lest you think I’m getting soft and complacent I have a little something to cheer you up.
Even others such as
Druish philosophers can find the absurd with love and sentiment.

To honor this most joyful of occassions I’ve written an ode to this day of love, smiles and chirping little birdies that should only get shredded to hell in the propellers of a plane.

Continue reading

Confessions of a CraigsList Junkie

Major League Ugly Craigs List Chair

It’s been a long time since the craigslist addiction
has raised its ugly little head. Been close to a year since I perused the site every day.
It pulls you in though. Just when I thought that I was out.
Damned digression.

CL is a microcosm of the world at large and our local Reno version is just too weird and fun to avoid.
I place the current blame at the feet of living a life devoid of full-time 9 to 5 employment.

Here’s the cool stuff that I’ve found on Craigslist
over the last year and a half:

 

Continue reading

I Am Not a Godless Heathen

To paraphrase my friend Jack who may have parphrased me…

Forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last blog…

Yesterday I found a FABULOUS list of intelligent folk who are self-professed atheists. Dear Readers in case you’ve been binge drinking and paying no attention I am among that atheistic number.
Since many of my heroes are listed among them I find a recent poll stating that the majority of Americans distrust and fear atheists to be depressing at best and unsurprising at worst.

To quote John Stuart Mill:
Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative.

To quote Rachael C. Black:
Although it is not true that all religious types are stupid people, it is true that most stupid types are religious.

Eleven years of AA meetings has screwed with my head, but don’t they love it when I speak up and eschew the god thing. Heh.
Burn her! She’s a Witch!
rachael is an angel! rachael is a devil

Please note the purposeful use of the word RELIGIOUS and not spiritual. Although some days I’m not sure of the latter either.

Continue reading

Bi-Polar in a Bi-Partisan World and More Nonsense

good morning.
this despite ‘good morning’ being an oxymoron.
weird and terrible dreams all night long and i slept fitfully until after 9:00 am, waking up constantly. fucking constant insomnia of the depressed and damned.

feeling torn up emotionally and physically at this moment and taking a xanax with the first cup of coffee instead of at noon.

it may be time to rethink the plan of waiting until cate graduates from college and reschedule my date with mr. reaper (that’s MR reaper to you now eat the salmon mousse) to high school graduation.

wordpress is my ‘honest’ blog. have had another going on myspace for a year and a half, but the dark machinations in my mind are not revealed there. for godsake it’s myspace.

as their tagline says: myspace a place for friends!

it does not read: myspace a place for dark honesty and gallows humor!

oh if i ever spilled the truly dark things in my mind you would lock the doors and never speak to any person named rachael again, ala no king ever bearing the appellation john of england. yeppers there’s always one freak to spoil it for the rest of the class.

 

Continue reading

The Spaz Co-Efficient

Writers Block. Skiing. Errands. Torturing a Teenager.
To some degree these have all contributed to my lack of writing over the last week.

Yesterday I’d every intention of writing an entry before retiring for the night. Well, the Road to Reno is Paved with Good Intentions, so here we are this morning instead.
My excursion to the gym last night wiped me out instead of amping me up.

If you had been lucky enough to cruise down Arlington at 7:30 this morning, racing at 15 MPH by the school here, you might have spied yours truly skating across the parking lot here at Chez Noir. An armful of laundry, quarters, and Cheer balanced precariously on a body dressed in pajamas, loafers and a huge brown sweater.
Hell if I know why I’m not engaged or married since this picture alone is not worth a thousand words, but a thousand dollars. In terms of blackmail at the very least.

Continue reading