Mystery Google

Today I needed a smile. Okay a hug would be fab too but that ain’t gonna happen.

Something positive was clearly indicated by my melancholy upon waking.

So, I went to Mystery Google and typed in ‘depression’

Here is my result: MLIA, Harry Potter, Dinosaurs, Marshmallows, Walmart, Waldo, Google = WIN.

I nearly spit coffee on my keyboard because it cracked me up.

If you’re not familiar with Mystery Google it’s a site that allows you to type in a search and your result is  the result of the last person who searched. Totally random and good for a peek.

Check it out and have a smile, or at the very least a WTF headshake and surreal moment.

~Miss R

Hey Hoser!

Look outside! Snoooooooow.

Welcome to Reno, Nevada.

Saturday you’re cruising a book sale in a tank top and the next day it’s snowing and you’re inside with a bottle of wine and your PJs.

Here’s my link of the day. You’ll thank me later. When you’re too tired to look outside of your window.

The Fucking Weather

A Warm-up

So if you’ve read any of my older posts -going back 3 or 4 years-  you’ll notice some pointless surveys mixed amongst the other detritus of my mind.

Since it’s been months since my last post this is a warm-up to try and get myself back into the groove of writing. Yeah it’s a knock-off quickie (Mmmmm quickie) but it’s something.

There’s a great blog that Celluloid Blonde turned me on to today. It gave me the inspiration to re-activate the wordpress machine. If you’re a screenwriter you’ll dig this. If you’re  an amateur writer you’ll dig this. If you have ANY brains at all you’ll dig this.

Dig it?

Twenty Questions with Absolutoly No Coherent Theme

1. Beatles or Stones?
Beatles While Stoned

2. Have you ever vacuumed the house in your underwear?
WTF is underwear?

3. Do you secretly like disco?
Do you secretly like Screamo?

4. Have you ever had a monster under your bed?
Does my ex-husband count?

5. Coke or Pepsi?
Cabernet

6. If you thought you could get away with it, would you?
Yes. I have finely honed instincts of preservation

7. If you thought you would get caught, would you anyway?
No. I have finely honed instincts of preservation

8. Do you have an adventure fantasy? If yes, what is it?
It involves leather and restrains

9. You’ve lost everything. Do you lie, beg, borrow or steal to get it back?
You phrase this as if it’s THEORETICAL. Sheesh.

10. You’re driving too fast thru a residential neighborhood. A dog and a fat man are crossing the street from opposite directions. You have to hit one to avoid hitting the other. Who gets run over?
Aim for the Fat dude, use him as a cue ball and take out the dog

11. Are you saving that morsel of food that is stuck in your teeth for a special occasion?
No. It’s for you.

12. If you were invisible, where would you hang out?
I am invisible dimwit

13. You are drunk as a skunk. Do you ride A) a mechanical bull B) a stolen motorcycle C) A butt ugly member of the opposite sex
Define”butt ugly”

14. Are we human? Or are we dancer?
We are Devo

15. A train leaves NYC at 2PM EST, heading west at 140mph. A plane leaves LA at the exact same time, heading east at 700mph. Where’s Waldo?
Fixing my goddamned dinner so I don’t miss the connection in Denver

16. You’re standing butt naked on a street corner. Are you A) a pervert B) waiting for the bus C) The Emperor
The EmpRESS

17. What is the color of love?
Black. Just like my heart.

18. Will Michael Jackson be allowed into Rock & Roll Heaven?
They have stricter immigration laws there

19. In one word or less, describe your nose.
It smells terrible –rim shot-

20. Do you think the world is going to end in 2012?
Only if I’m very very lucky.

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

I’ve been thinking. No comments about my working without tools again please.

The past few weeks have found me awash in various levels of depression, obsession, worry (about things financial, physical, blah blah blah) and stress.

There’s a roof over my head. Food in the fridge. A car that runs (knocks on her head). My daughter is healthy and doing well.

Still this miasma of unhappiness, uncertainty, fear and the longing to simply give up permeates the waking hours and the dream time.

Now, don’t get me wrong. The days and nights have been punctuated with laughter, self-deprecating humor, and the usual day to day crap that can make one smile. It’s just that… they’re so far and few between. Couldn’t even get into ‘the zone’ when I went skiing today. A bad sign.

I think I know what’s wrong. I may have an axiom here.

All people require two special items to survive:

1. 1. Physical touch.

2. 2. Encouragement  and kind words

Seems to me that these two facets of life are as indispensible as food, shelter and health.

I’ve been missing both. For a long time. So holistically I’m not healthy. Ya, no shock there but bear with me.

Humans are programmed to feel comfort from touch, from words of solace or compliment. Those wacky fun-loving serial killers you read about were all missing these two critical objects in their lives.

So, I feel better identifying what may be a major cause of this current desolation. There’s no cure on the horizon which gives me little hope, but there’s something positive about all of this self-discovery:

I’m too old to start a new career as a serial killer.

Craigslist? Oh dear god

 

So here’s the problem.

Once again I find myself sans boyfriend or dates. Okay, it’s not as if this hasn’t been a given in the last few years but it’s really getting to me now.

Hell if I know why.

I’ve  given the heave-ho to the  few of the boy-toy/dinner dates I had over the past year or so. What’s the point?  There was no future in any of them. Hell there was no present. Try discussing Mahler, Hawking or Bukowski  with a snow-boarding-hey-dude guy who’s idea of art is the new album cover from Death Cab for Cutie.

At least they looked good.  Of course so do I. With the lights off or my corset cinched tightly, then the lights dimmed.

So let’s say, just for a left-field example, that you were a late forty-something, eccentric, neurotic, darkly witty, moderately talented, exceptionally brilliant woman? Carrying around 20 pounds extra on her frame.  Oh, and you don’t like meeting guys in bars, your weekly outing consists of wrapping yourself up in a parka and a pair of skis to hit the slopes, or going to freaking Costco?

The roomie says ‘Oh Rach guys still hit on you.’ Yes they do! They’re

a)      Drunk

b)      on day pass from the Helen Keller Institute

c)       Northern Nevada Mental Health and Retard Services clients

Here’s the bottom line: I’m about ready to try…. Craigslist.

Don’t say it. I know. I’ve tried it before. Hell, it’s more than a crap shoot. It’s more like Russian roulette. With a fixed table.  And misshapen balls. But those are more balls than I’ve seen in a helluva long time.

Jimmy the Greek wouldn’t front me $5.00. That was before he was dead.

People my age are married, or divorced and married again. And divorced. Wait. So was I. Forget that. The point is that it’s a bitch to find so much as a date, nevermind a steady relationship. I can go out to a bar tonight and get laid but fuck that, pardon the pun. I’m getting too old for that crap. Not the fucking, the one night stands. Hell, I’m tired of being alone. Two of my marriages sucked but hopefully I’ve learned something. If not, at least I can check out those balls.

 

~R

The Train Back Pt. 1

My face was practically pressed against the glass. Through the train window I could see the green hills roll by. Then a factory perched atop one, past the old Busch plant that had been closed for years. Finally the sea came into view and the amusement pier was faintly visible.

One more stop after this.

As the train slowed to the platform I tried to gather all of my things, unsure of how I’d make it out the door on time with all of this crap. A large black valise containing a change of clothes and a few books, my over-sized purse and a black leather jacket.

The woman in the seat next to mine asked how many more stops it was to the zoo. I looked over and said that she may be on the wrong train. Feeling badly (guilt about things that aren’t my fault is a specialty) I tried to grab my belongings while climbing over her, her son and the two seats between myself and the aisle.

The train had stopped and the doors opened. Suddenly that feeling of being underwater occurred. The slow motion feeling of being in a dream.

How in hell would I make it to the platform before the train took off again? Struggling with the bags and jacket it seemed like forever to pass through the rows of passengers and seats. Finally I emerged from the car and ambled to the station. After crossing the worn green tiles and emerging from the building I could see the steep hill ahead.

The hill that wound and curved upwards towards my house. Almost there I considered, and began the long walk.

I’ve been off the rails

I just finished a wonderful book by Larry Brown. It’s the second book of his that I’ve read. The first one was Fay, a novel. Billy Ray’s Farm is a collection of essays and non fiction.

The writing is lyrical, smooth and graceful. Passages that are haunting, brutal, and overflowing with the author’s feelings cut into my heart and head.
Harry Crews has this effect on me, as does Faulkner and Flannery O’Connor.
What is it about the South that breeds such amazing artists?
I don’t think it’s the land itself but who knows. It’s as much a mystery as is the wealth of their talent.

I think about writing every day yet have been able to do so for some months now. Looking back I think maybe my father’s death contributed to my sliding off the rails a bit. My ‘coper’ broke and an inability to concentrate, take care of mundane daily tasks or find motivation for the things which made me sing died.
Note: The dust hasn’t settled over dad’s passing and as of two weeks ago I’m no longer speaking with my sister or my step-mother. More on that in another post.

My daughter arrived from southern California last night. She’s 14, 15 in August, and will be with me for a little over a month. I’m flying her back here again at Thanksgiving and again at the holidays. Then I’ll have to wait until next summer and hopefully three months then. If she doesn’t decide to stay here with me, which I doubt. She’s been with her father for a little over a year and seems settled there now.

Thus far I’ve seen Cate for about 20 minutes. Her friends here in Reno have consumed her time already. Several of them had taken a bus to the airport to meet her at the plane, unbeknownst to her or myself. Waiting for her plane to land a familiar gang of teens surround me, resplendent in their teen Goth glory. They had all taken a bus out to the airport.
I fed them pizza and cokes and her best friend spent the night.

This morning I took the two of them to Zephyr Books. Afterwards Cate announced that she was going to another friend’s house to have pink (or purple) streaks put in her hair and also have that friend use her ‘professional piercing kit’ to pierce another hole at the top of her ear.
I rolled my eyes and said “Okay. This should well.”

In 15 minutes I’m off to pick the little demons up at the Starbucks down by the Truckee River, across from the movie theater.
Then I’m taking best friend back to her house.

Cate wants to watch Shawn of the Dead tonight and eat popcorn and candy. Sounds like a plan.

Goddess only knows what tomorrow will bring but it’ll surely be interesting.
Hormonal Outsider Teenager + Angst = Rachael’s Interesting Summer.
If only I could put my thoughts into the kind of writing which lifts me up. Maybe my favorite authors will send a muse over in dreams tonight.
I can hope but better yet I can start writing again.

~Miss R

My Reno

After languishing in bed for a full 4 hours of sleep last night it was up and off to a waiting room full of desperate uninsured indigents to wait for a doctor’s appointment.
Yes, that would make me one of the above mentioned group.

First come first served (and boy do you get what you pay for) so it was a long-ass wait. For a short-ass visit.

On the way home I passed by the courthouse where I was treated to a group of fabulously bedecked women playing rhythm instruments and waving a sign proclaiming “Prom Queens for Peace!”
Since I’d already driven through our neon strewn downtown, narrowly avoiding tourists, drunken businessmen, gamblers, Stephen Hawking in his souped-up diet coke-menthos powered wheelchair and the homeless this didn’t strike me as particularly odd.
Crosswalks and streetlights mean nothing in this town. Drive at your own peril my friends.

As a trip to the doc’s is normally depressing it seemed a fine idea to stop by Zephyr Books. This is a fairly new used book store located on Virginia and only a few blocks from my house. I was in the mood for another Harry Crews book.
Nothing like a bit of seriously twisted southern gothic to cheer me up.

I asked the proprietor where to look and he directed me to the fiction section where, alas, there were no Crews books to be found. So I diligently looked for something else to cheer me up. Perhaps John Fante, Bukowski, or Augusten Burroughs.
Seems I’m going through a fiction phase right now. I vacillate between this genre and the physics and science tomes. Depends on my mood.
Doesn’t everything.

Well I did find Running with Scissors (recommended by my friend Rebecca) which cheered me up. I also found The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, which surprised me since I was about to order a new copy from Amazon this week. The latter was recommended by TK who is reading it now.
So a bit of fiction and a bit of non-fiction in the mix for this week.
It’s a nifty bookstore. Check it out.

This afternoon it was time to get out of the house again. The sun came out even though the fucking Reno afternoon winds are blowing. I took a walk around my new neighborhood. A strange mix similar to my old place. Immaculately kept Craftsmen homes from the 1920’s next to unkempt 1930’s bungalows next to beautiful brick homes built anywhere from 1910 to the mid 1940’s.
It’s pretty cool. There’s so much to look at if you have an eye for architecture and, well, life in general.

The reason I was able to take a walk was that damned wind. I was supposed to be out on the Reno Chicken Cam Project.
Suffice to say that it involves Nino (one of the other Producers from the TV station where I used to work), similar video mavens, and of course a live chicken fitted with a harness and wireless video cam.
The shoot was supposed to start downtown in front of the El Cortez (a hotel and peculiar bar) at 4:00 and move on from there.
I got an email informing me that the possibility of the chicken literally being blown down the street may put a damper on the project. So, shooting was cancelled for today.

That brings us to right now; where I sit at my desk listening to Joe Jackson, American Spirit burning in the ashtray, beverage of choice at hand and typing this treatise. I gotta tell you that tomorrow may not bring me as many glimpses into Life in Reno.
Unless I leave the house.

~Miss R

In the Night

I sat at the end of a pier in New York City, wrapped in the arms of a man who was making me smile. I felt wanted, safe and secure. We giggled at something which struck us as funny and I laid my head on his shoulder. His arms tightened about me making the warm blood flow to my cheeks and head.

There were others about as well, all gazing at the skies and the moon, a plane taking off into the few clouds wispy in the nighttime sky. Ordinary people laughing in small groups, nodding at shared thoughts and talking softly with a look of wonder upon them.

It was a night of lost time and felicity, and all of us out there. This man and myself, all of the strangers, we felt a bond with this sultry and moonlit evening. A bond with each other and life. I felt a joy which had been missing for so very very long.

I awoke from a lovely dream.

~Miss R

Things I like about the New House

1. No elephants trampling about upstairs and moving cinderblocks and 50 gallon barrels at 7:00 a.m.
2. My next door neighbors are also Burners. Only 117 more days ’till the Man burns!
3. The landlord owns a very cool Gay bar and there’s a chance for a piano gig at the end of the proverbial rainbow. Miss R started out her professional career playing piano in the Long Beach Gay bars. It would be a nice full circle kind of touch doncha think?
4. There’s a patio that DOESN’T resemble Little Tijuana in the slightest. I even have a patch of dirt (I shall command it to be grass soon) of my very own.
5. The neighbor’s cat gives Lizzie Borden something to obsess on during her lazy days perched in the window.
6. There’s room for a grand piano in this place!
7. The windows are strategically placed for maximum sunshine in the mornings. It does a morose and misanthropic soul good with a cup of fresh coffee.
8. I can play Ziggy Stardust at Maximum Volume as per directed on the album cover. There’s also room to dance around in a scantily clad manner given my mood.
9. No one takes my parking space. It’s mine all mine I tell you!
10. My 1930’s and 40’s antique pieces go perfectly in this old cottage. Much funkiness is to be had despite the lack of closet space and noticeable lack of electrical outlets.

Things I Miss About the Old Place

1. I knew where everything was
2. ummmmmmmm okay that’s it.

~Miss R

Currently Listening to:

Jimmy Eat World
Clarity

Bitch Bitch Bitch

I think that the Audi is a gonner.

A friend of a friend was over here along with the friend and her two daughters, for 10 hours on Sunday. The entire car was taken apart and the water pump and heater core replaced.
Trust me. This involved taking apart the dashboard, console and every other portion of the damned front end.
The Audi now runs but the stereo no longer works and oh yeah….it spews smoke.
Diagnosis: the engine went sideways when the car overheated due to the water pump and heater core.
Bottom Line: the new (new for me and was to last for 5 years) car I purchased three months ago, and drove for 3 weeks, is now a pile of shit.

Wait (I hear you say) what else is making you kvetch?
Well (I hear myself say) it could be the move.
Grrrrrrrrr.
There’s a reason no one likes moving. It sucks ass. Oh yeah it’s time consuming as hell when you’re single. There’s the triple reason no one wants to help. It hurts your back and every other part of your anatomy. Including the psyche.

So I’ve got two two two stressors going right now.
Stress bad. Alcohol good but if I drink I can’t accomplish the moving.
Oh the horror.

The blogs have fallen off to virtually nada here. These are my reasons.
Do you like them?
Do you think they’re sexy?
Do you think they’d do well on the catwalk?

Yours in the Abyss of Everyday Life,

~Miss R

currently listening to:
Elliot Smith
XO

A New Home

I have found a new place to live. Huzzah.

It’s a funky old cottage built in the 1940’s. Only about 8 blocks from here and still in the same neighborhood. It sits behind a main house and we’re separated by a back yard… and a lot of reality.

The place has a large enough living room to accommodate the grand piano as well as a finished basement. Although the cottage is a one bedroom the basement will be the new bedroom of the Demon Seed ™.  I’m going to separate the large space with curtains so there’s still plenty of storage.
She’ll like it. A stripper used to live down there. Oh yes, the walls are carpeted. In red. This house is already a good story.

Have to begin paying rent as of the 15th which is far too rapidly approaching. I’ll be throwing money at the place to start (and the rent is high)  but the Joy Factor and Happiness Co-Efficient in relation to having my piano are more than worth it.
Got the key today so I can start in on scrubbing and lining shelves tomorrow.

Naturally I’ve paid the full month’s rent on my current place, as well as giving 30 days notice. I’ll chalk it up to good karma points and take the monetary loss.
So if you’re reading this and really love helping people move you know where I am.
This translates to: I’ll be on my own.
So yeah.

Got out and about fairly early this morning. A trip to the market, the gym, the new place to pick up the key and also a tan. Have had the blues so sometimes sunlight therapy helps. Yesterday afternoon it fucking snowed again.
So I go to lie down in the tanning bed and realize that I’m wearing a thong instead of regulation bikini panties.
Dammit.
You know what? That really burns my ass.

~Miss R

currently listening:
Belle and Sebastian
Dear Catastrophe Waitress

A Grand Situation

I’m drinking a lousy Starbucks coffee but it was purchased under duress.
Well, more like stress than duress but what the hell.

Had to have more bloodwork done this morning, so I was out and about at 8:00 a.m. Since there’s a 12 hour fast required prior to the blood draw I couldn’t make my pot of coffee before I left the house. Hence the stale, burnt, bitter Starbucks.
Not that I think that their coffee is garbage. I don’t.
I think it’s shit.

I’ve been lacking in motivation the past ten days and was sick two days last week. I actually went to see a doctor (hate that, having no health insurance) which is why more blood work was instigated.
This lack of motivation has been inspired by some other causes than those of a physical nature. Such as this one!

The phone rings Thursday night and it’s my step-mother. Seems she’s sold Dad’s house. This was unexpected as the gingerbread manse was priced at a million bucks and is located in Idyllwild; that ephemeral mountain town of few people, beautiful forests, snow-covered peaks, no stop-lights, and my old life.

Here’s the problem. Now that dad’s house has been sold I have less than 40 days to get the concert grand piano (oh it’s bigger than a baby grand trust me) into my possession in Reno.
Uh oh. There’s barely enough room for me in this apartment.
In reality this means that I have less than 40 days to find a new home.

I’ve seen a few places out there and so far nothing I can afford or deem safe.  I’m supposed to go and look at a house today. It’s owned by an acquaintance who’s moving out of state and it sounds perfect. Fabulous location, landscaped yard, plenty of room for my daughter, myself, the grand piano, keyboards and antiques as well.
Everything except for one small detail. The rent is almost double what I can afford.
There’s potential though: The house is supposed to be split into two parts, with both having their own entrances. Theoretically this means I could rent the house and sublet half of it.
This frightens the hell out of me. For good reason.

Donna told me to ’take a chance!’ and do it.
I don’t know. It seems that every time I’ve taken a chance recently, well in the past year or so, my luck hasn’t been that great. In fact it’s been lousy and I’m tired of being beat up. Or better yet, beating myself up. The bruises take a long time to heal and while I look good in black, blue just isn’t my color.

In case you’re thinking ’Rachael why don’t you sell the piano and buy a smaller one or simply consider leaving the piano in Idyllwild?’ I’ll tell you that there’s no way.

For one thing it is the sole thing that my father left to me. That piano is alive. It’s more than a gorgeous piece of furniture. It’s more than a musical instrument. It’s more than a piano… which for me is saying volumes.
This Knabe grand has been in the family since the 1930’s. My father learned to play on it. I can remember him playing when I was a little girl and this is what inspired me to learn. When I was a teenager and would visit him on the weekends this piano saved my life. His family then (a psycho step-mother and her psycho brood) were very cold and hostile towards me but I could always escape at the keyboard and into my music.
My father knew this. We shared the gift and love of music through this physical thing made of wood and strings.

So it will stay with me. When I die it will go to my daughter. I hope so anyway. It would be a good legacy. There is no gift so fine as music and memories.

I’ll let you know how the house hunt goes.
Oh, and if you reside in Reno and know of a 2 bedroom place with a living room large enough for a grand piano then please do contact me.
Soon.
Really really fucking soon.

~Miss R

Idiots!

What is the deal. Must be me. Oh sure I knew that when I put something on the web it would be out.

there.

still.

So after I came to see the light i realized that Donna was my hero.

You all know Donna from past comments.
If there were no other reason (than my current neurotic reason) then please watch the amusement grow right here….

http://yoyodyne.wordpress.com/2008/03/17/bring-shrimp-and-hookers/

 

oh hell that is so not enough,

here is Donna’s Blog