The Most Outlandish Tale About Anxiety and Depression Ever Told

 Wait wait, the story doesn’t start here!  This is a blog hop, people!High Anxiety Blog Hop
Click HERE to start from the beginning.

 

 

I stepped closer. “Whoa! Is that what I think it is?!”

The Cretin Brothers took a step back. Disbelief shown on their ugly faces. Reaching around in the purse my hand found my lipstick tube. I flicked it open and pepper spray hit both of the ugly Midnight Movers.
“Ooops”  I said.

My heart thudded as the immediate arresting thoughts slammed me:

  1. I’d forgotten to re-stock the Xanax in this purse
  2. The phone number for 911 had completely escaped my mind
  3. That tube of lipstick had better not be lost. Revlon discontinued that shade
  4. The portable charger was easy to find in my bag
  5. We’re gonna need a bigger boat

As the ugly stick kids gagged and wiped at their eyes I hobbled over to the item they’d dropped. Tears of gratitude welled in my eyes. Bending down I grabbed the extension cord and plugged it into the charger. In an utterly selfless act I aimed the rounded end of the object towards Tall Guy’s tuchus. With a mighty push on the wheels a glow and hum began to emanate from the missile shaped package. They suddenly understood. Mascara running down his cheeks, Tall reached down to grab his ankles.

Short dark and ugly stood by and watched as the A-Bomb shot directly towards his comrade’s backside “Oh dear Gods! It’s a giant…..

Click HERE to continue the story!

 

Transverse Myelitis: My Feet Are Baked Potatoes!

This is my story of Transverse Myelitis.
Hint: The floor is lava!

If you’re a regular reader -crickets- you know that on August 11th of last year I was diagnosed with a very rare spinal/neurological disease called Transverse Myelitis. ‘TM affects approximately 1 person in a million. Yes, I AM one in a million but that goes without saying.

House MD Vicodin ad

I’ll accept the Oxy instead. Thanks Doc

If you’ve never heard of Transverse Myelitis it’s not surprising. It’s the kind of thing Gregory House would diagnose.

My primary care doctor had never heard of it. A neurologist in a small or medium-sized city may come across one case in their lifetime. It’s a wicked disease with a sudden onset and 80% of the time no forewarning. If a TM sufferer does have severe unexplained weakness in their legs it can be shrugged off with ‘Jesus I need to get more exercise’ or if they pee themselves before getting to the toilet on two or three occasions consider ‘Fuck I’m getting old fast.’

Don’t ask me how I know this.

I was on disability for a completely unrelated illness before the TM onset. Usual story; A mild-mannered writer, musician, Veteran Burner of 8 years and dangerously fast downhill skier. Okay, not so much the mild-mannered.

One day I was running errands with a friend and slowly became disoriented.  I insisted on making a bank deposit. It was Sunday and no banks were open but why let reality get in the way of a swelling brain? My dear friend TK pulled up to a random building, gave a hobo $5.00, and pulled away from the curb back into traffic. Seems this cunning plan satisfied me. He then drove directly to the hospital. I opened the car door, and  stepped out. On to my face. Seemed my legs were no longer listening to my brain.
Next thing I remember is being in the emergency room with a morphine, then Fentanyl, drip. The pain was worse than:

  • a) 29 Hours of Labor and Childbirth
  • b) Passing a Kidney Stone As Big As The Ritz
  • c) Lumbar Fusion and Recovery
  • d) Rupturing Gallbladder
  • e) All of the Above. Combined

There was a barrage of questions which I answered cogently yet have no memory of. Followed by MRI’s, lumbar puncture, blood work and finally neurologists jacking me up with steroids. By the next morning I was paralyzed from the waist down. Screw that! During my two month hospitalization  I went from all wheelchair to sometimes using a walker in the halls, stopped drinking coffee with my forehead, and ditched the catheter. Unexpected and inopportune releases of natural gas still occur and I have to schedule bathroom visits to make sure my bladder isn’t full, but it beats the hell out of a colostomy bag!
The first two weeks in the hospital were also spent with psychosis and hallucinations. This was a side-effect of the steroids. Didn’t make many friends during that time. At one point I briefly came out of it and was chained, with what looked like dog leashes, to a wheelchair. Remember yelling about contacting attorneys, the police and possibly the Better Business Bureau.
Found out later that my restraints were there for my safety. Not the nurses. Whoa.

TM has other dandy symptoms besides paralysis. Chronic pain. Forever. Nerve damage that causes, in my case; electrical shocks, twitches, balance problems, overwhelming fatigue, nerve pain manifesting as molten lava running from hip to foot, ripping into the tops of my feet with what feels like a dragon’s claws. There are a host of bizarre and ever-changing indications. Hell, my blood pressure permanently dropped 20 points. Went from severely hypertensive and on Lisinopril to having an attention-grabbing low B.P. Told you that the cigarettes would never kill me.
I walk on stilts and my feet are baked potatoes.
Right? How the hell do you describe this shit.
In the future I look forward to brain lesions, respiratory failure -told you that the smoking would never kill me- and a possible slide into MS. The latter scares me as there are a few people in my Facebook support group who have faced it. We TMers wake up every morning not knowing what symptoms will occur that day. It makes us braver, more careful of our health, and perhaps a bit more neurotic.

The Grateful and Positive Scale:  I am NOT tied to a bag for the remainder of my life. The lesion is at C4 and my arms work pretty damn well. Bonus: I did not die within 48 hours of a misdiagnosis. Lots of people with TM are quads or remain permanently paralyzed from the waist down. Too many are not diagnosed quickly enough. The paralysis gets to the chest and they die of organ failure, gasping for breath,  before anyone realizes what has happened.
I’m one of the lucky ones. Two neurologists were on staff that night and both had treated a Transverse Myelitis patient.
It’s called Transverse Myelitis as the lesion crosses the spinal cord. The lesion transverses the spine. Myelitis is an inflammation of the spinal cord. For an unknown reason your immune system decides to attack and destroy the mylan (the sheath surrounding the spinal cord), instead of sitting in a corner or working itself up over a flu shot.

There's a Baked Potato Inside Each One

There’s a Baked Potato Inside Each One!

I had to leave my home in Nevada (because I shot a man in Reno, just to see him die), gave away more than half of my possessions, and moved in with -gulp/shudder/eeeek!- my mom. Life is lived in a small bedroom at the back of her house. I only get out for numerous doctor appointments, and now Physical Therapy. P.T. is awesome by the way. Painful, but awesome. The first positive feedback on a miraculous recovery that I received, from anyone, in 6 months, was from one of my P.T. therapists. He said I was serious and making great progress. Whoop!

Unfortunately there is no one in this town that I know. Can’t drive a car so it feels like I’m a prisoner. My boyfriend of 3 years came to visit me during the 5th week of my hospitalization, my legs were still paralyzed.  He said he’d met someone new.
Honestly, I wish I were dead most days.
Between pain and loneliness, being fairly certain that no man will ever want me again, and no longer having a home of my own, life can be a bummer. Okay it sucks.

It took six months for mom to admit that her eldest daughter would be mainly wheelchair-bound for the remainder of her life. My mom is awesome, but she’s the poster for ‘We’ll Simply Ignore it and it Will Go Away Syndrome’. Finally this week she took me to Cripples-R-Us, and we made the leap to reality.

Those bastards wanted $300.00 for the cheapest manual wheelchair model, on sale. Yeah right.
After getting back home I spent close to fourteen hours researching all kinds of chairs online. Actually found the one I test drove and ordered it yesterday. $166.00 fully assembled. I rock. Plus, there’s money left over to pay on the collection accounts with various physicians and hospitals, and two chocolate bars. 70% Dark with Sea Salt.
The chair should arrive on Tuesday. This has cheered me immensely today. I’ll do the daily at home P.T. regimen for the rest of my life, but there’s no way I will walk more than a few steps, with a serious gait weirdness. Can do about 5 minutes in the house, with the Cadillac (a cherry-red walker with brakes and a seat) before the pain skyrockets, feet go completely numb and legs give out.  You better believe I’ve been working it though. ANYTHING to get better and get my life back.

Still, there are situations that most everyone with a spinal cord injury faces. Mainly, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Haven’t saved enough to afford the 20% co-pay for the power wheelchair prescribed by the neurologist. The nerve problems in my hands and arms sometimes cause them to cease functioning correctly. A manual chair is just fine with me now though.
Hey baby, can you give me a little push? -provocative wink-
Where do I go for help? Is there any? If it were not for my mother I’d be homeless. How many people do not have this opportunity? What happens to them? Questions pound my head every waking hour.

Worried about transportation in this very rural area. Worried about finding a place to live. Worried about a motorized wheelchair. I’m too young for everything from low-income senior housing (jesus that sounds depressing eh?) to meals on wheels.
How do I get to the barrage of doctor appointments that TM brings? They’re all in Folsom and El Dorado, a half hour drive. The neurologist, Dr. Mengle, sorry Dengle, is in Sacramento. An hour away.

Force my head to consider the progress and good things. Never did purchase AFO braces for my feet and legs.It’s too late now. I can stand on a foam cushion for 20 seconds, and once, on the floor with my feet together, eyes open, for a full minute.
The Lyrica helps with the electrical shocks and best of all I hardly ever twitch now. Words no longer fail me, unless it’s in response to a surreal utterance by my daughter.
Continue working on getting the pain meds balanced and fine tuned. Right now I’m a walking DEA raid. It’s gonna stay that way. Considering a large stock purchase in Milk of Magnesia.

Found a cool psychologist (makes a stylish bookend to the psychiatrist) here in Hangtown. He’s helped convince me to start a screenplay (been thinking of this for a few years) and use this to begin a new direction of life. As with the Transverse Myelitis, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M DOING! Learning though. Outlining the story, reading scripts, trying to take the director outta my head and remember my only job is to write. For now.
Beats watching Wheel of Fortune and eating Pringles all day.

Get Up. Get Out. Get Better.
Brilliant isn’t it?
These are the words of Lynne Murray, the nifty guy who rolled up and introduced himself to Sandy and I a few weeks ago, as we sat sipping coffee and making a scene at the Cozmic Cafe. Lynn heads a group called the Placerville Mobility Support. There are meetings the 4th Monday of each month. I can hardly wait.

TM sexy~Miss R

A Banner Sunday

Hey there. It’s raining outside. the music library is on shuffle, and I’m taking a break. Just ready to sort out the coming week’s medications, vitamins and assorted supplements. Don’t know why I crave any actual food after choking all of this crap down each day.

Notice the new YoYo-Dyne banner? Cool isn’t it? Adam over at Chowderhead offered to design a banner for the first 25 readers that snapped up his offer. Being adroit at finding all things cheap (see ex-boyfriend) Adam’s offer couldn’t be passed up. You can see ALL of the nifty banners he designed at the above link.

For those of you unfamiliar with YoYo-Dyne, here’s a quick question.
Have you ever watched Buckaroo Banzai? You know, origin of the oft-used phrase ‘no matter where you go, there you are’? If you’re familiar with this 80′s fan classic then you’re okay. No admission fee for You.
But wait! There’s another way you can sneak in under the big-top canvas. Perhaps you’ve read The Crying of Lot 49 by Thomas Pynchon? You’ll see YoYo-Dyne Propulsion Labs show up there for the very first time. Earl Mac Rauch, who wrote the screenplay for Buckaroo, lifted Pynchon’s mythical Rockwell/Boeing/Hughes Evil Giant Corporation (because that could never happen right?) for amusement purposes. An in joke for a very small number of fantasy genre readers.

It wasn’t until I’d begun tossing around the YoYo-Dyne name in various stories, graphics and conversations that The Crying of Lot 49 became a beloved fixture on my own bookshelf. If you get the chance, read it. Almost a novella, it is not a long read. You’ll find a slew of 1960′s pop references, all cleverly and amusingly disguised, in The Crying of Lot 49. Pynchon will take you on your own treasure hunt.
But this one is mine.

Dammit, another movie entirely

Dammit, another movie entirely

So I started to dig around a bit to see if anyone else had been using and happily abusing the Lectroids and Lord John Whorfin. The latter were all running about the YoYo-Dyne warehouses last I heard, screaming something about Planet 10.

I already knew that the YoYo-Dyne name was unavailable in any url form I wanted. Tried to lock down that baby 15 years ago. Someone I worked with at The WB mentioned that she’d seen a YoYo-Dyne Hair Salon, or Hair Something, in one of the Dakotas. Weird but cool.
My own contribution is this blog, and a Facebook page. Listed my employer on FB as YoYo-Dyne Propulsion Systems: Reno Div, Location, Grover’s Mill, N.J.
In the infinite wisdom of Mark Zuckerberg it seems that by collecting 25 ‘Likes’ your page is considered a viable location. Believe it has over 85 members now, and perhaps 15 or so are friends of mine.
My current position, listed on my personal FB page, is CEO, Writer and Fellowship Chair of Banzai Physics. I have a real employer now, YoYo-Dyne Propulsion, that comes up on the link. It must be true.

Found that there was a reference to YoYo-Dyne Propulsion on an old show called Angel, which was a spin-off of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
Seems ABC referenced YoYo-Dyne on a website for a fictional company named PB-Sales. The site was created for the television show Lost. PB-Sales supposedly owned not only YoYo-Dyne but GeoComtex; a Company owned by Van Stratton from Dr. Who. The site’s gone now, but my fangirl neurosis cannot be quelled.

Doctor Who Rules My World

The Doctor is IN

We’ve gone through enough pointless history on YoYo-Dyne Propulsion systems that my ears have been treated to Madness, Zero7, Ella Fitzgerald, Ben Folds, Wagner and The Format. I’d die without music.
It’s all that’s left. My beautiful concert grand is in Reno, on consignment at a retail music store.
I tried to play one more time before it was dismantled and taken from my home. Still had hands like claws, so even a slow rendition of Scott Joplin’s Solace wouldn’t come.

Now I keep music, books and movies close. Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eight Dimension and John Cale singing Hallelujah, Princess Bride and Gogol Bordello. Tom Woodrell speaks to me while Kings of Leon sing Pyro.

A good friend pointed out that life is a spiderweb. Everything is interconnected. I don’t believe we’re separated by 6 degrees, but we may be 3 strands from understanding.

So that’s all I have to share today. Buckaroo Banzai is available on Netflix streaming again. Even if you don’t love the movie the end title sequence is a gem. Never seen anything like it before or since. The only versions of the credits on YouTube are a mess. Eh, get up and haul your ass over to the TV. It’s worth 90 minutes of your time to check out Peter Weller, John Lithgow, Jeff Goldblum and a cast of Lectroids in one of my fave little films.

At least you’ll understand why YoYo-Dyne Propulsion Systems: Reno Division has been invaded by aliens. Time to get back to the pills and my Fresca. The hands are getting better, so cross your fingers. I feel some ragtime creeping into my soul. It really is a banner Sunday.

                  Laugh while you can Monkeyboy!

Buckaroo Banzai Beyond the 8th Dimension

Shot from the End Credits

 ~Miss R: Fangirl Geek or Eccentric Human? Poll next week.

Owner of an original Buckaroo Movie Poster, Two original BB coffee mugs -still in use and unbroken, a shooting script (photocopy) signed by Earl Mac Rausch (not photocopy), a BB studio promo button and of course memories of the first time I saw this film: in New Jersey with friends on the night it was released. The audience stood and gave the flick a standing ovation. Not something you come across much anymore

Hooray For Hollywood

HollywoodHollywood by Charles Bukowski

The Rachael Rad Rating : 5 of 5 stars

I loved this book. See a lot of ‘eh’ reviews. Have no idea if it’s my own involvement in film, writing and Los Angeles of the past that makes this tale a spark of real life. I believe it’s the writing alone that does it.
This is Bukowski as Bukowski, not ‘Hank’.

‘Hollywood’ was and still is a pleasure to read. A must have for any screen writer, rags to riches bum, alcoholic literary being, or the real reason to read Buk or Fante.. The Clean Line.

It’s the story of ‘Barfly’ (a Bukowski book) and the making of that film. It starred Mickey O’Rourke. Bukowski had such a wonderful time seeing the project through and it shows in this work. It is a peek into the real life of an icon.

Some people never go crazy, what  truly horrible lives they must lead
Seems readers either love him or hate him. I met him in a bar, in Long Beach in the very early 80′s, and thought that he was a consummate asshole.
Based on a personal experience I refused to read any more of his work and filled myself with righteous indignation.
What an ass. Me. Not Buk.

The man could write. I feel that Bukowski is one of the Top 5 Best Writers of the 20th Century. His words could immediately sabotage the happiest fool, punch your lights out with the measure of anger at society, and stun you with his graphic and street-level view of humanity, and heighten your mind to poetic grace with his insights. Within the same piece all of these textures could be transfused. You loved with his heart and so hurt with his hurt.
He enjoyed doing live readings with a cooler on the stage next to him. Woe be to a heckler or someone foolish enough to speak too loudly. It’s true. Beer cans can fliy.

Hollywood is a personal story, filled with the real feelings and observations of an author finally revered for their work. Finally taken seriously. Finally able to let his personal side and thoughts of his life come out. It is quite different from any of his other writings. Well, so was Pulp. Pulp however… was truly the ‘eh’ Bukowski.

And Our Musical Selection For This Evening

Currently Listening:  Hollywood Madness

By:
Richie Cole
From:
The Rad Rachael Original Signed Vinyl Stack

Richie Cole: Hollywood Madness

Richie Cole plays an amazing, high energy, gorgeous alto. It’s scary-cool pure synchronicity that a sneaky little subconscious slapped this on the turntable while writing the Bukowski review.

First time I heard Richie I thought “Damn, this guy can blow.. and he’s white!” Couldn’t believe I hadn’t heard him play before. He was an L.A. fixture and his style is the combination of his be-bop roots, and late 70′s and early 80′s fusion. Richie Cole has added his raucous and heavenly talents to other musical acts ranging from Buddy Rich to Manhattan Transfer. That’s a lot of years and genres.

These were the days when my radio tastes went from punk to jazz. Oddly I could never get my punk rock friends interested in Sonny Rollins, Richie, Stanley Turentine or Weather Report. Conversely, the Jazz contingent would never end our nights with a stellar a cappella rendition of Beat on the Brat With A Baseball Bat.
Met Richie at the Queen Mary Jazz Festival in 1982 or ’83. Cool cat. Down to earth and a smile as big as the Ritz. We had a few beers and talked music, and life. Met up with him again at another festival in the early 90′s.

Holy Shit Batman. Age and drugs had taken a toll. No, his entire wallet.
Heard him play then later hit an after-party at a friend’s house. Richie sat alone on a couch, towards the back of the cluttered living room. Naturally I made a bee line and plopped the ass down beside him.
Couldn’t believe that nobody else at the party was in line to shake his hand. He lit up a doob and we smoked and people watched for a while.
Mentioned that I had talked with him before. He remembered me, or at least said he did. Which was nice.
His name, and remarkable style, had faded by 1994.
It was a comfortable chat and I’ll always remember the way it felt in that room. The cigarette smoke, a fire in the old stone fireplace, musicians aplenty, a very faint smell of spilled beer in old carpet, and the quiet peace of smoking a joint with a good friend. Maybe that was it. He wasn’t a long time friend, but he made me feel that way. Left the party and took Richie’s number with me, he took mine as well. A happy ‘I’ll call you when I’m back in town’ and that was the last time I saw him.

Heard later he’d been in and out of rehab for heroin. Same drug that clipped the wings of Bird. It explained his deteriorated appearance.
Never saw Richie again, but I’ve kept his albums through all the years of marriages, divorces (Divorce: noun. Meaning ‘to lose your favorite music.’) and cross-country moves.

Bukowski and Richie Cole are two great examples of my Hollywood. As a L.A. kid, New York City grown-up, Reno, Nevada hell-if-I-know, the memories of my original home and experiences are still easily stirred. Think it’s the same for anyone with a bit of dreamer inside.
A sight, a bar of music, a phrase on paper, can fill our souls with a spate of emotions.
Can’t think of a better reason to elicit Hooray for Hollywood.

~Miss Noir

2013: Everybody Wants to Rule the World

Happy New Year 2014

Welcome to the YoYo-Dyne 2013 Year in Review!

Is THIS your kitten?!

Cute Kitty picture

New Year’s Eve. A hot Little Black Dress, 8″ Steve Madden stilettos, my Silver Fox coat, a Vintage 1950′s clutch purse and Call-Girl-Red lipstick.
If this doesn’t impress the cat tonight nothing will.

Here are a few of my favorite things from 2013. A collection of Miss R’s best Tweets, original images, stolen images, a cute kitty and the naughty bits too.

Have a healthy happy New Year and remember: Everything happens for a reason. For instance, if you’re on fire it’s because I don’t like you

Miss R Tweets for You!

  • Does the five second rule apply to my dignity?
  • If you suffer a strange pain today just remember that thousands of people die from that every year
  • Do I have to water this poinsettia or will it die on it’s own?
  • I’m sorry I wore your baby as a hat
  • The “Mayday” button on the new Kindle Fire should be renamed the “Let me show you my Ass” button. That’s all I’ll use it for.
  • I like to live each day as thought it’s my last. This explains having no clean laundry and the unmade bed
  • Ex-husband Number One is now available on Aisle Two
  • Gravity has had it’s way with me. At least something has
  • Stop playing the victim. It’s not even a real instrument
  • You’re never too old to throw random shit in other’s shopping carts while they’re not looking
  • A Happy Spanksgiving to you all!
  • I’m in serious trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s
  • Sure, he’s just the pizza delivery guy. With chloroform and some quality time in the basement he’s the one
  • My phone just changed ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that
  • I like you, but not “I’ll let you out of the basement” like you.
This is The Demon Seed. My daughter as a junior in college looks just like I did as a junior in college.   We talk about her grad school choices, watch Doctor Who specials together, fight over the Fall Out Boy knee socks and worry about our white girl problems

This is The Demon Seed. 
We talk about her grad school choices, watch Doctor Who specials together, fight over the Fall Out Boy knee socks and worry about our white girl problems

I had my heart crushed into the bitter coffee of a Starbucks machiatto

I had my heart crushed into the bitter grounds of a Caramel Betrayal Macchiato

Found some really funny people on the Internet. Funny ha ha. the funny strange people are reading this post.

Found some really funny people on the Internet. Found some really strange people on the Internet.

Got sick of people confusing Bi-Polar with psychopath, bugfuck crazy, too lazy to ‘just be happy’ and/or sad just to make you angry. Eric at Black Box Warnings chose me to contribute a guest post on Bi-Polar disorder. Got a new therapist and a new sponsor this year.

Spent a rainy radical week in the Nevada desert for 4th of Juplaya and attended the work parties in preparation of Burning Man. Missed one work weekend to recover from completely unexpected gallbladder surgery… I can now eat any damned thing I like because the gallbladder is GONE.

Things got weird a few days before my yearly foray to Black Rock City in August. Had everything planned to spend the week before The Burn with my daughter and bestie Spankers setting up our theme camp. Then Burning Man itself. My yearly vacation to Magic, Family, Music, Art, Insanity, Bliss and Gratitude. Home.

Instead I spent the Burn in a hospital bed, paralyzed below the waist. Good times.
Today I exercise and stretch to keep those body parts in good working order. You never know when Tall Dark and Hebrew may come knocking on your door. WASP is good too.

Tomorrow is a new year. It doesn’t mean a new start but it implies a shove of momentum to me. We just won’t wake up tomorrow shiny and thin and rich.
Well you won’t but I still hold out hope.

Life is still funny. I’m still funny. The milk smells funny but there’s a cure for that. So I leave you with a tune and a wicked grin
Cheers to friends. Cheers to Life. Cheers for Tears…

Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives… and to the “good life”, whatever it is and wherever it happens to be.
-Hunter S. Thompson

Love, Cute Kitties and Porn
~Miss R

Merry Christmas! The Late Edition

It’s been a crazy few months. Wanted to dash off a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all. This is my favorite gift, from Peter of Wombania

My Christmas Card from the delightful Wombies

My Christmas Card from the delightful Wombies

Taking steps to regain my life back, literally. Really not steps so much as generic ambulation. It’s a start and it’s cooler than bow ties and a fez. The fatigue from the disease is akin to being hit by a truck every single day. The pain too. I ask you all to forgive my absence. The only thing I want for Christmas? A cure for Transverse Myelitis and for all of those who suffer far worse than myself.

Was accepted to the Johns Hopkins Transverse Myelitis program. All set to buy the plane ticket and check in for the first appointment. After much back and forth on the phone it was decreed at the last minute:  there is no housing for out-patients in clinic programs.
What the hell? Don’t they know who I am? Will work for treats.
Rents in Baltimore? Out of my league. Assisted living options in Baltimore for six months? Throw that in the ‘Brother Can You Spare A Dime’ pile as well. Tried everything possible to find funding. Nothing could be done. No charities for TM, no way to set up a fund or charity for myself. It’s still a dream.
Hell, I still don’t have an electric wheelchair, but I’m saving the gelt up.

Making strides far beyond the original prognosis -rim shot-. Hard work makes for amazing results. I lay about the house all day and exercise. It’s possible in Rachael Land
Was given a roughly 10% chance of walking again. Really? Don’t tell me what to do. I’m better off that way.

May you all have a wonderful, fattening, laughter-filled holiday iced with love and joy. If you don’t see me much it’s because I’m working on a new project, the most important one ever. Crafting a new life, learning to walk and talk and shake it baby.

Tripping the Light Fantastic. With no net.
Walk like an Egyptian? Never!
Dance like a Rockefeller? Hell yes.
Puttin’ on Riiiitz!

Putting on the Ritz

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!
~Miss R

Hanukkah Harry: The Mensch. The Myth. The Meshugenah.

hannakkuh-harrySM

YoYo-Dyne receives hundreds of thousands of search hits each December from folks spread across the globe. All looking for more information on that icon of Chutzpah, Hanukkah Harry.

Mr. Harry agreed to an interview and we are honored to present you with this historic discussion.

Miss R: Welcome Hanukkah! Can I call you Hanukkah?
HH: Thank you Miss R. It’s a pleasure to be here. For you, Hanukkah is just fine. Hanukkah Harry knows who’s been naughty or nice. Your naughtiness always makes up for your flaw in being only half a Hebe.
Miss R: Oh, thank you Hanukkah. You’re eyeing the tasty treats I’ve made. Care for one?
HH: Ummmm what are they? Almost looks like rugelach.
Miss R: It’s my own creation: Shiksa Cakes. I just used stale white bread to make the pastry and the filling is made with nuts, dates and mayonnaise. All Kosher!
HH: Going to pass on those but I applaud you. Remember the year you left out lobster rolls on the first night? It still saddens me to think that instead of socks I was forced to leave a lump of Plutonium-240.
Miss R: Not to worry Hanukkah, I sold it to a certain country in the Middle East and made a tidy profit.
HH: That’s my girl!

Miss R: Let’s move on to some questions. First, why did you wait until the late 1980’s to reveal yourself?
HH: It seemed the right time. Jon Lovitz approached me and I gave my blessing. What a funny boychik! He pissed me off though and I had to cancel his subscription to Funny B List Actors.
Miss R: What would you buy for yourself to celebrate the holidays?
HH: I’d buy time, and I’d get it wholesale. I like to call it a time off for good behavior deal.
Miss R: Who do you consider the sexiest woman in the world?
HH: That’s an easy one, not that your latkes don’t bring all the boys to the yard. It’s Mrs. Claus of course. Have you seen her lately? Hasn’t aged in a millennium! Got her looks from her father, a plastic surgeon.
Miss R: I see you wear your hair in the traditional Orthodox manner. A lot of our readers want to know why you haven’t kept up with the times.
HH: Are you kidding me? No way can I survive without these curly locks, and bagels.
Miss R: You’ve previously saved Christmas and proved yourself a friend to Goy and Jew alike. Are you still proud of this accomplishment?
HH: Proud? I get verklempt each time someone mentions it. Fred Phelps spontaneously combusting couldn’t please me more.

Miss R: We’re about out of time. From myself and all of the Lectoids here at YoYo-Dyne, here’s to a Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas. Any last thoughts?
HH: Miss R I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, and this wasn’t it. Just quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. Zey gezunt!

That’s all for tonight. Join us next week for our exclusive interview with the Baby Jesus.
Was bacon really the contributing factor in establishing his new religion?

hanukkah wish2

~Miss R