Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy Winner of the Week!

A Big Hello to our friends and axe wielding Viewers!

Live from our underground  bunker in an undisclosed neighborhood of Fabulous Reno Nevada, your update on the most highly rated contest now available in any media!

 The Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy Contest

Unpaid Spokesperson in no way represents Rachael’s actual image

• Survivor?  For lazy slobs with giant televisions and no job
• Big Brother? Could not watch an entire episode. It’s that cretinous
• Jersey Shore? Never seen it but I hear it involves a goodly amount of tanning lotion and buttsx. Time is better spent working on my newest piece of Artwork: Filth Encrusted Used Chewing Gum and Unidentifiable Icky Things On Sneakers.

It’s Interactive too
Not Interactive in the sense of the above listed contests. You know, Vote For Your Favorite by texting IAMABOOB to Sprint at the low low cost of $3.00 per vote. *
*no longer available in Washington D.C. due to overload of communications services during episode airtime.  Re-runs currently crash the Sprint network

Turn your Internet dial to YoYo-Dyne for the newest and best of contests. Guaranteed to benefit you and your karma, but more importantly, it benefits me.

Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy!

This week’s winner is Peter M. and The Wombies! Direct from the Great White North and Wombania come Wine Gums, a treat unknown to we in the lower 48. Just in time for Wombat Day! Get out your chocolate, wine gums, pancake batter and milkshakes on October 22nd. Meet Victor and Victoria, my adopted Wombies. FREE balloons for the kids!

You know they’re Canadian. The UPS delivery guy tumbled down the concrete steps outside repeatedly shouting Thank You Sir May I Have Another after handing over the delightful package.

Last week’s winner is Gina C from The OC! What can I say but… A full fucking pound of See’s Candy. My favorite assortment. Too bad for you folks East of the Mississippi, it’s Fanny Farmer for you.

The Beaver Babe (Gina C), Piano Wench (I AM that Wench) and Pope Dirty Bastard.

Don Pardo, tell them what they’ve won!

Well Rachael, our two top contestants win this Fabulous Lazy-E Boy complete living room set! Sorry, not available to residents of Canada or California .Shipping not included.

Also, potential fame and fortune for appearing as featured guests on the Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy Contest!

Last, a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat! Sent to our winners in six unwieldy enormous wooden crates. Sorry winners, shipping not included.

Rachael here with thanks to Peter and the Wombies, Gina C and all of you who have sent your good wishes and positive thoughts.

We’ll end tonight’s festivities with an interpretive dance created by me, for you.

I call it ‘The Zombie Pirate Walker Boogie!’

Thanks again and we’ll see you next week for another tingling and suspense filled episode of The Keep Rachael Voluptuous and Sexy Contest!

~Miss R

-bettie page photo courtesy of burymeinthisdress.com-

Why You No Call? The Children Miss You. I wanna slap you upside the head.

Said no one to me ever. I DO wanna slap you upside the head. You being the Royal You. Similar to the Royal We but spelled Oui. Now it time for a kick ass make-up of days offline. Laissez les bons temps rouler!
Note to Le Clown: This is New Orleans (Cajun) French so don’t be going and gagging at it. I beg your magnificent forgiveness for great times and awful grammar. Speaking only English, Russian and German (which is handy) just recognizing French is fab for moi. Another story for another day.

Changed my wireless/router name to ‘Stephen Hawking Is Locked In My Basement.’ I have no life.
Neither does Stephen….
I DO know how to party. Even without the booze I scare small children. My own is damaged for life. But she looks Mahhhhhvalous.
Please, won’t you help a starving disturbed family? Please send all of your cash to…. me. Information located at page bottom.

Have been so busy with work parties and the Demon Seed’s visit that there are 705 Unopened emails in my inbox. I see a mass delete coming.

Burning Man tickets came in the mail for both myself and my daughter.

Many of you know what happened to my lovely girl demon seed last year. She is coming on back anyway. My sweetie told me ‘Mom, I am NOT going to let some deranged freak ruin what is one of the best weeks I’ve ever had.’ That’s my doll. Saw her last week.
Was supposed to visit her in San Francisco this week. Damned money, or rather lack of, is ass.

We’ve all (Spanky’s Wine Bar and Village) started the yearly mass work-parties up in the Nevada desert to do maintenance, rebuild and build new big kid toys for the camp. Think carnival rides for pervs AND kids. No really, THINK about it.
We have the Teeter Totter of Death, centrifuge (the merry-go-round you push and pull to get spinning) Chairway to Heaven, and two new rides this year.
Having the Orgasmatron for the 15th year on the playa is just icing. We’re not called Spanky’s based on the Little Rascals films.

Here’s a video of our Spank-O-Matic

Okay, just wanted to check in. Miss all of you, all of your writing, all of your smiles. I need ’em. Giving them out for free too.

Rock On Kids. Off to 4th of Juplaya in another week. Hidden Hot Springs on the playa, 1500 people instead of the 60,000 at Burning Man. Firearms, Frogbat… I’ll take a few pics. Spanky’s is making an official presence this year.
No one is in charge of this thing so no one is ever arrested. How cool is that?

Fuck I love summer.

It Wasn’t the Salmon Mousse

 

Let’s Dance to Joy Division!

This is for Androgoth….

Oh my regular readers will dig this as well. Or clearly, you’re not my regular readers.
Let it tear us apart!

Hi there Wombies and Fraz, can I get back stage tix?

The Semi-Annual Top 15 Halloween Tunes

As usual I’ve been busy getting Funeral for A Friend up to speed on the piano. Neighbors dig me…. Not so much last week when I pulled my fave-to-play Halloween tune out of the floorboards. Dear god my piano softly wept. The neighbors,  not so softly.

 So without further ado:

1. Every Day is Halloween –Ministry
2. Funeral for a Friend – Elton John
3. Corpse Grinding Man – Harley Poe
4. Superstition –Stevie Wonder
5. Werewolf – The Frantics
6. Time Warp –Rocky Horror Picture Show
7. Werewolves of London – Warron Zevon (also playing this daily –but an easy tune)
8. I Put A Spell On You – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins
9. Little Drop of Poison – Tom Waits
10. RE: Your Brains – Jonathan Coulton
11. Hell – Squirrel Nut Zippers
12. Bad Things – Jace Everett.(True Blood theme song)
13. Bad Moon Rising – CCR
14. Psycho Killer –Talking Heads
15. Ghost Town –Shiny Toy Guns

Well, it seems there are some new Samhain tunes in town since the last YoYo-Dyne list. It makes an evil girl weep tears of joy. Mind you, this list reflects the author’s opinion.

On the other hand (THING?!) feel free to nominate any others you can think of.

NOTE: any mention of Monster Mash, Twilight Zone, Friday the 13th Theme or anything by Rob Zombie or Alice Cooper will be laughed off the comments page.

Just too easy.

Let us end this fine playlist with a few atrocious pictures of Halloween costumes… that you wouldn’t be caught dead (or decaying) in.

As for Miss R? I’ll be adorned as a serial killer. The costume my usual street attire of black skirt, black stockings, FMPs and black low cut blouse.

No, it’s not Goth.  It’s just that serial killers look like anyone else on the street.

Trick or Treat my friends. Oh, and don’t shoot the piano player.

Most Offensive costume of 2012

Pedo Bear Approved!

Damned furry footed freakin’ Hobbits

Horace and Cornelius

Love local stations. So few left. Even in Northern Nevada, even in our ghost towns.

Gerlach for instance;

KLAP – 89.5 FM Gerlach

Might hear classical, could be 80’s. jazz, trance, or Tony Bennet. Gerlach has gone from about a 1000 population to almost 35. The only local mine closed.
Last town before you drive the 6 to 10 hour wait that is the 4 mile distance to Black Rock City -Burning Man. Last radio station for hundreds of miles. Best for a thousand. You know, I would walk 500 miles.
Think there a few low watt religious and Mariachi, but they barely come in.

So tonight was Hello Dolly on local TV. The film version.
Let me say now I have seen Carol Channing perform the part. A revival in the late 70’s/early 80’s on Broadway. She’s 91 now. Holy shit. Still looks fab and makes appearances.

Carol Channing is the bomb, She’s the Louvre museum.
Only high point in today’s cinematic weirdnesss is the Hello Dolly sequence. The Diva actually speaks to Louis Armstrong and credits he and his orachastra.
May be classically trained on piano (and the only other thing allowed in our home was light opera) but the bete noire which I hid from the parental units (I’m Jack Benny’s age..19 forever as well) was and is Jazz(forte is Ragtime and stride), 70’s R&B, and punk (The Circle Jerks never heard of them).
The point is (GET TO THE DAMNED POINT!) is that I adore musicals. Grew up with them. Still dig ’em.
Louis Armstrong was one of the best trumpet players and fun vocalists ever. Ah, together is divine.

Been a great damned day. Walked all over, found at least 6 new places of business within a few block radius, including a cheese shop, new pub about to open, juice bar, pastry and espresso place and three clothing stores. The Irish bar that has been a block away on Virginia for 50 years is still there -grin-.

Midtown Reno

Fuck, thought I lived in the ghetto. Cooler every day…. because I can walk around here!
It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Accomplished nothing. A serene, private, blissful afternoon even with no money except for a $2.00 beer, is damned fine on a hot summer day.
~R

Food for Obesity. Or Thought

Beauty
Forever with the love of your life
Thin
Genius
Wealth
Common Sense
Humor
Creativity
Famous not Infamous
Sanity
…you don’t get it all
~Miss R

Been MIA for close to a month. Miss you Tony, Red, Guapo, Don, Michelle, Andro, Edward, Ashley, Ahmnodt, Liqourstore Bear, Bearman and all of my other favorite excellent writers.

Life is crazy as are most of us. Here’s a quick post, written in 3 minutes for FB.

NOTE: Usually eschew FB… have no desire to waste my tad ‘o humorous genius on the huddled masses. Well okay the huddled masses are good. It’s the morons and ignorant. Believe that’s a quote from Snidely Whiplash but I could be wrong.

It’s the thought that counts

Bearman’s 4th Annual Cartoon Charity Challenge

The 2012 Bearman Cartoon Charity Challenge!

 

 

It is time for Bearman’s Cartoon Charity Challenge! For the past four years one of the best cartoonists I’ve ever enjoyed has been donating money to local Cincinnati charities. Bearman did the caricature of me that you see as my Gravatar!

All of the rules are located in the links below.

Bearman in not only a fine artist but an amazing humanitarian. Add him to your blogroll, post a link to Bearman’s   amazing blog, Facebook or Google+ site.

Go to Bearman’s site and check this out. You’ll be amazed at how much he raises out of his personal funds. It costs you nothing and you’ll be helping many people in need.

The Following is from Bearman’s Charity Page

As in previous years, the first $500 raised will once again go to the Cincinnati FreeStore Foodbank. This charity does great things not only to feed those in need but also to help families get back on their feet in other ways.   Anything donated above $500 to the max $1000 will go to support the Down Syndrome Association of Greater Cincinnati.  I have a relative with Down Syndrome and this organization does an incredible job working with the families of those afflicted.

 But that is not all.  Some of you know I donate 100% of my commissions directly to Crayons to Computers.  It is a free store for teachers allowing them to stock up on school and art supplies for their students/classrooms.  So I am going to match dollar for dollar anything you donate to Crayons to Computers up to a max $500.  When donating just make it in Honor of Bearman Cartoons and they will know how to notify me.

 

Check it out, enjoy Bearman and his sense of humor, art, cartooning skills and most of all Help Out. All for free and you’ll also be a better person for it!

 ~Miss R

D is for Dammit!

Dammit! While not as functional a word as another favorite of mine (rhymes with muck- and oh Dammit I just gave away the post for F) comes in handy.

On a daily, ofttimes hourly basis.

Da Beemer, my car of choice, causes the verbal spewing of the D word at least once a week. Which is how often I Drive the Damned thing.

Two Days ago I found out the power steering pump is leaking like a sieve. Which while better than the U-Joint going, which was my guess based on the replacement of said piece three times in the four years I’ve had Da car, is still out of my budget.

Muck that! Said I. Followed by Dammit. Followed by my driving the beast to Autozone and purchasing several bottles of power steering fluid.

Dammit was also a fabulous word to use today while standing in a snow storm and putting $20.00 worth of gas in Da car. Gas needle went from empty to half full; giving me the general idea that there may, in fact, be a problem.

Could be the 1986 technology (read gauges, parts, windows not rolling up or down, U-Joints, power steering pump, etc.) but really, I Doubt it. Clearly the tank only holds 10 gallons of gas.

It’s a popular car! Well, in 1986.

So I say Dammit to my friends who point out that mine is the only such model in Reno still on the road.

Wanted to post a picture of Elwood (Da Beemer’s proper name) here. Unfortunately the borrowed digital camera that is currently charging is still not charged. So I had to create a sub-par graphic using PhotoShop.

 DAMMIT!

 ~Miss R

Deranged Writers Enjoying Righteous Posts

As the President -and thus far only member of – Deranged Writers Enjoying Righteous Posts
(DWERP) it is time for our first announcement.

Due to this Deranged Writer being out of town for three days, secluded in the boonies of an un-named Nevada town, the Inbox count climbed from 250+ to 782 unopened emails. Had a great time on the ranch raking and hauling sagebrush and oh those tumbling tumble weeds…. Lots of time with the horses and seeing friends.

National Security forbids the naming of this locality so it can only be revealed that there is limited cell service and no Internet hook-ups. Said town is  famous for being very close to the site of major nuclear testing in the 1950’s, resulting in the death of every single member of a Hollywood blockbuster to drop dead of cancer within 20 years of said production. Favorite cocktail at the local watering hole? A ‘Big-Ass Tumor on the Rocks.’ I had a double. Thought the sign read ‘Tuber’ and figured it was a local vodka.

So, besides spending time near this friendly, albeit somewhat barren city, your DWERP President was not only devoid of contact to the Interwebs, but also busy avoiding tap water contaminated with arsenic. Seriously. Just in case you’re wondering a river does run through it and many large and tasty ranch and farm vegetables are grown in the region.

Let’s  face it, if you were going to pick a place for nuclear testing Nevada is the place. Really, the drive from Reno to Las Vegas appears as though the entire state has been nuked anyway.

But I digress.

It’s the damned Inbox thing. I cannot keep up. The stress in simply SEEING all of that unopened email (98% of which are new Blog posts and Comments on Blog posts) is cause to reach for the Xanax AND Dalmane. It also keeps me from even attempting to write. Just knowing that there are so many other wonderful writers out there, that I cannot keep up with, dulls my creativity and fills me with guilt. It’s just impossible .

In an effort to keep DWERP alive, and yours truly out of  The Reno Home for The Cognitively Impaired I am deleting every post. A few will be kept to read. Miss R has enough addictions and does not need to add benzodiazepines to the list.

Apologies to all of you wonderful bloggers who have posted over the last 4 or 5 days. Will do my best to catch up.

Until then… DWERP ON!

~Miss R

Have You Seen This Cat?

todayinhh.com

hysterical piece about Quasimodo’s brother Fonzimodo. Today in History by Kevin Peter Connell

todayinhh.com

I’m Famous. Thank you Bearman!

Bearman mugged me… with the comment ‘Be careful what you wear in your profile pictures’.

Utterly fabulous cartoon!! He even got the purple  streaks in my hair, Burning Band cap and the San Fransisco sunglasses. Not to mention bosom hahahaha

ROBOTS OR DINOSAURS?

neither. Cake or Death!

President and CEO YoYo-Dyne Propulsion Systems: Reno Div.

But you can call me Miss R